KaijuPanda
New member
Hi all, I just joined this site today but I've been lurking and reading a lot of posts recently. Lots to process. My bf of 7 years and I have recently jumped into the non-monogamy waters, and I think so far it's going pretty well. I learned I was asexual several months ago, which is what prompted me to suggest looking into poly. I think he's really wired that way anyhow, so he was excited to try it. For the moment, he's really the only one meeting new people, but I'm free to do so as well, of course. We've been reading a lot, talking a lot, and trying to do this right from the start.
A hypothetical has come up, though, which we are having trouble agreeing on. He brought up the idea of overnights in general, and I think I'm okay with him spending the night elsewhere as long as he texts me so I'm mentally prepared to be alone in the morning. But then he asked about bringing a date home to our house to spend the night. I really balked at that idea. I'm fine (hypothetically, at least!) with him having a planned overnight at our house with someone he's been seeing, but for reasons I can't quite hash out, the idea of him bringing a date home on the 1st or 2nd date because it's the nicest or most convenient option is not cool.
We're not really into the idea of hierarchy, and I don't need to vett potential partners or even feel that they're "serious" for him to have overnights generally. But this idea that he might go out on a date and, unplanned, come home later (when I might be home) with a stranger to shag in our guest room and then have coffee in our kitchen in the morning just doesn't sit well with me. So I wanted to ask more experienced folks what a reasonable, ethical solution to this looks like. I don't want to get railroaded by "respect each relationship", but I really do want to respect each relationship and not insert myself between him and another person. Is he asking for too much too quickly, or is this just a thing I need to wrap my brain around?
A couple things he's mentioned which partly inspired the hypothetical question: Apparently several poly people he's been interested in on OKCupid have specified that overnights at either residence need to be okay, and he thinks a potential thing he had with someone (a few dates) petered out because he wasn't able to spend the night her and she really wanted that (at that point we hadn't discussed any sort of overnight agreements).
Thanks so much for any advice!
A hypothetical has come up, though, which we are having trouble agreeing on. He brought up the idea of overnights in general, and I think I'm okay with him spending the night elsewhere as long as he texts me so I'm mentally prepared to be alone in the morning. But then he asked about bringing a date home to our house to spend the night. I really balked at that idea. I'm fine (hypothetically, at least!) with him having a planned overnight at our house with someone he's been seeing, but for reasons I can't quite hash out, the idea of him bringing a date home on the 1st or 2nd date because it's the nicest or most convenient option is not cool.
We're not really into the idea of hierarchy, and I don't need to vett potential partners or even feel that they're "serious" for him to have overnights generally. But this idea that he might go out on a date and, unplanned, come home later (when I might be home) with a stranger to shag in our guest room and then have coffee in our kitchen in the morning just doesn't sit well with me. So I wanted to ask more experienced folks what a reasonable, ethical solution to this looks like. I don't want to get railroaded by "respect each relationship", but I really do want to respect each relationship and not insert myself between him and another person. Is he asking for too much too quickly, or is this just a thing I need to wrap my brain around?
A couple things he's mentioned which partly inspired the hypothetical question: Apparently several poly people he's been interested in on OKCupid have specified that overnights at either residence need to be okay, and he thinks a potential thing he had with someone (a few dates) petered out because he wasn't able to spend the night her and she really wanted that (at that point we hadn't discussed any sort of overnight agreements).
Thanks so much for any advice!