Teacher & Protector

PossiblyPoly

New member
Basic situation:
My husband (G) and I have been married 10yrs. Recently, he's come to me with a proposition. A female friend of his (C), is going through a particularly rough patch in her life. Mostly involving her current relationship with her boyfriend who is a good friend of G's.
Her relationship is looking like it's on the downswing. G has been trying to counsel them, as they are going through a very similar situation as he and I had 5yrs ago.
Last month, he visited them for about a week and spent time with both C and her boyfriend in an attempt to get them to see the other's side of the situation. C is at her wits end and her boyfriend doesn't seem to be capable or willing to fix the issue.
Upon his return, G confides his concerns to me. He's really gotten to know C better and is heartbroken for her. She deserves someone that will make her feel important and loved. He wants to show her how its supposed to be. He feels protective of her and wants to make her happy.
His question to me was, How would I feel about bringing her into our home?
He admitted to finding her attractive and that sex would be part of the situation.
I found myself open to the idea. His obvious concern for her happiness went a long way to aleviating any feelings of jealousy over his wanting someone else. If he had asked for simply a girlfriend, my answer would have been an immediate 'no'.
I considered our marriage monogamous and had intended to keep it that way.
However, this situation has caused me to re-evaluate that.
This protector attitude of my husband's is something we have in common. If we could open our home and family to C and bring her into our happiness, I would like to try.
My reservations are that while I'm less bothered by him having sex with another woman, I'm still ...... wary.
The other issue is that I am currently 7mos pregnant with our second child. As C has yet to decide if she wants to continue to try with her current boyfriend or not, I'm sure I'll have delivered this baby and she'll be at least a few months old before this proposition could become a reality. My feeling however, is that the idea of C having my husband's child brings up some very territorial feelings.
I don't know if its a sign that I'm not as okay with this as I think or if its just a limit to my ability to share. (Maybe that's the same thing?)
As if, I'm okay to share my home, my affection, my husband, but not my children?
At this time, she says she does not want any kids. However, she's young (23) and I certainly would not blame her for changing her mind later. Also, my husband is considering a vasectomy as he does not want any more children. So perhaps, this may be a moot issue.
We've also spoken about the possibility that C may, after being with us for a while, find someone else she wants to be with. We aren't looking to continue to add and so would release C from us. Perhaps that would be the avenue she would use to have children of her own. Though a part of me feels like thats not entirely fair to her.
Has anyone else been in remotely this possition? Or at least had these feelings?
 
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Oh. My. God. Are you for real?

This idea your husband has of "protecting" her by bringing her home to fuck her and show her what a good relationship is like, is so offensive, so utterly outlandish, and so NOT polyamory, I can't even begin to explain why. I have a hard time believing that your only issue with this is the possibility that she might get pregnant. It boggles my mind that there are people in the world that actually, seriously think like this.

If she is in danger, there are agencies and halfway houses where she can find shelter. If she needs to learn about relationships, she can do it by living her own life and being in relationships. Certainly, your husband does not need to protect her by brandishing his cock like a sword. Geez, I just... can't believe... I'm nauseous now.
 
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This seems very, very, very predatory to me.

"Showing her how it's done" shouldn't entail trying to manipulate her into living with you and your husband or having sex while recovering from a bad relationship. Showing her how it's done SHOULD be helping her find a neutral, safe, supportive environment where she can grow as a person and figure out what SHE wants, not what YOU think she "needs." Not a place where she is going to have some guy think he's going to make everything better by fucking her.

I'll be 23 in a few weeks. If someone suggested to me that I should move in with him and his pregnant wife (or wife who has just given birth) so he/they could show me what a healthy, normal relationship is like, but of course I would have to have sex with him to really learn, I'd run the opposite direction.
 
Wow. Ok. So not the response I was expecting.

Obviously, I'm not explaining this very well. The title of the thread may have been a poor choice as well. (Also, I'm thinking I put this thread in the wrong category.)

He isn't simply going to bring "her home to fuck her and show her what a good relationship is like".

He confirmed it this morning, that he's in love with her.

He wants to show her a good relationship, not simply for the example, but to actually give her a good relationship. He would like her to be a part of our family.

She isn't in any danger with the relationship she's in now. Her current boyfriend isn't abusive, just neglectful.

As for the protector thing, does one not desire to protect someone they love? Is that a bad thing? I'm protective of my husband, my children, my mother and my best friend, among others. I wouldn't use that to limit anything they'd do, but I certainly would have issue with anyone that hurt them. I would do what I could to make them happy again or prevent the hurt in the first place.

The decision is entirely up to her. We've given her the option. Let her know we're serious about it and that should she decide not to, we're still here to be friends.
G talked to her this morning, encouraging her once more to talk to her boyfriend to see if things couldn't be resolved. G thinks that if her boyfriend would pull his head out of his *** and actually work things out with C, they could be a good couple.
However, the boyfriend seems completely disinterested in working on anything.

My husband is most interested in C's happiness. If she could be happy with her boyfriend, then that'd be the end of it. We'd remain friends.
If things don't work out with her boyfriend, G loves her and so would like to show her what that entails.

Is that creepy? Is that predatory?
Its not like he's out shopping for a young, vulnerable girl to lure home for sex.

Maybe I'm just not getting what this polyamory business is about.
Lord knows, this is the first time I looked into it beyond watching a special on TLC or the BBC.
 
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He would like her to be a part of our family...

If things don't work out with her boyfriend, G loves her and so would like to show her what that entails.

Is that creepy? Is that predatory?

Yes, it still comes across as creepy and predatory. I think you and he should leave her alone.
 
Well, its disturbing that it comes across that way. It's certainly not the intention.

At this point, we have backed off. No more will be said unless she brings it up.

I'm still a bit lost as to why the desire to take care of someone you love is creepy, but we may just be looking at it from completely different angles.
 
I'm still a bit lost as to why the desire to take care of someone you love is creepy, but we may just be looking at it from completely different angles.

Wanting to help her find happiness is not the creepy part, wanting her to immediately move in with an established family when she has never been in a romantic relationship with either of you is (IMO).
 
She's a grown woman; grown women do not need to be taken care of. That is the first part of why it is creepy.

Why do you and your husband think he knows what is better for her? Doesn't she have family or other friends? If she is in a difficult relationship, she can deal with it herself. She is an individual and makes her own choices. You say it isn't abusive, which is good, and would be a case for helping her by finding resources or taking her to some sort of shelter. She can leave her bf and stay with friends who have no intention of fucking her.

Bringing her into your home and having sex with her is not "taking care of someone." I question his love for her. It just sounds like lust and a need to be in control.
 
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Ok. That's miscomunication on my part.

It wouldn't be "Hi, welcome to our home. Lets go screw."

We had a rough plan of maybe a series of visits, sort of like dating. To give her (and us) time to see if this relationship would even be feasable. Just how we'd go about that was something to be ironed out once/if she decided this was something she even wanted to attempt.

I hadn't even thought that anyone would get the impression that it would involve sex straight away. My apologies.
 
She does have friends, though few family. I don't know how close she is with any of them. The brother she was closest to was killed a few months ago in an as of yet, unsolved crime.

Of course, if she felt more comfortable going to stay with them, that'd be perfectly okay.

No one is saying she has to come with us. We are simply offering her a place within our family, should it be something she wants.

Controlling is not something that applies to my husband. Again, that must be my inept presentation of this situation.
 
There is still an air of arrogance surrounding your intentions, whether the sex happens right away or down the road. The fact remains that your husband has an ulterior motive in helping her, which involves sticking his dick in her.

At least have the guts to be honest and tell it like it is. Instead of saying he wants to rescue and protect her, admit that he wants to seduce her.

Furthermore, when someone is in the midst of a difficult relationship or recovering from a break-up, either of which is where she would be, it is not a good time to enter into their first poly arrangement. I really think you two need to back way off from doting on her and trying to turn her heartbreak into a relationship with you.
 
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Is this how he went about getting you to marry him. "Hey baby, your boyfriends an ass. Dump the clown, move in with me and I'll show you how it's done!"

It just seems like you guys think it's OK to skip all the normal dating steps, because it would be a "poly" dynamic. It's not. If you really care for this women, be a friend! If you have her move into your home because she has no place else to go, do NOT date her. Once she is back on her feet, with a place of her own, then you can ASK her if she would like to date you. DO NOT approach her with your agenda of being one big happy poly family. Sorry, but it should take years before everyone moves in together.
 
Is this how he went about getting you to marry him. "Hey baby, your boyfriends an ass. Dump the clown, move in with me and I'll show you how it's done!"
.....
Sorry, but it should take years before everyone moves in together.

Actually, you may have hit something there.
We did meet a few months before I ended an engagement. We were friends during that time, but shortly after my breakup felt like there might be something more.
At that time, he was half way across the country from me. Our relationship had been conducted entirely over the phone and online.
I moved to another state and he asked if I'd like company. I said I would and he bought a greyhound ticket to meet me. Initially, we were just going to have a casual relationship. Roommates with a bit of fun in bed.
Two years later, we married and here we are 10yrs after that.

Perhaps because of how our own relationship started, moving in together doesn't seem all that crazy. Afterall, it worked for us.

We even had something similar to what we're offering C before. The only difference then was that there was no sex involved. My best friend moved in with us for 3yrs. She had not known my husband before that. At the time, I wasn't comfortable with there being more than 2 of us in this relationship, though we had discussed it.
In fact, if it weren't for her leaving us to care for her disabled mother, I think we might be broaching the subject again, if not already there.

If C lived in the same state as us, we probably would simply begin spending more time together and do this gradually. As she's two states away, it would simply be easier to bring her here, give her her own space within the house and go from there. I can see where that might not be the ideal situation.

You're correct that these things would best be handled over time with everyone in their own comfort zones. I don't know that its possible in this situation. Honestly, I don't know that this proposition will even be taken up. C has a year of college left and we all agree that that is very important. Whether she finishes at her current school or transfers to the college here, will be up to her. All of this is up to her.

I'm not 100% that she will do this. Right now, she's struggling to get her boyfriend (whom she currently lives with) to show some kind of interest in saving their relationship. He told her this morning that he doesn't see the problem and therefore, is done talking about it, but she isn't ready to give up yet.

Which is another reason why I said it could be months, if not a year or more before any of this comes to pass. We've got to give her current relationship time to play itself out. G let her know that she's got another option should it not work. If it does, great. C gets what she wants, G gets to keep his friendship with her and her boyfriend, I get to keep my family where it is with no great upheaval.

If not, and she is open to this, then we've all got to sit down to a long and serious conversation. In person. We'll hash out the details of how we'll make arrangements and all that then.

My question here, wasn't "Is this a good idea?", it was more like, "My husband wants to bring another woman into our relationship and I'm mostly okay with it, up to the point of her possibly getting pregnant. Apparently, that is where my line is. Is this a sign of maybe I'm not as okay with it as I thought?"

Apparently, I should have just said that and saved the backstory as I've made a complete mess of this thread.
 
First, separate the theoretical/fantasy from reality. Sure, in fantasyland, you ride in on the white horse rescue her from the stupid ass boyfriend, she looks into your husband's eyes and falls madly in love and everyone rides off into the sunset together. Nothing wrong with that fantasy as long as you both realize it has very little to do with reality.

Almost guaranteed anyone she dates after current boyfriend is going to be a rebound relationship. Do you really want that to be you guys? She sounds like she needs supportive friends, not someone who's long term agenda is to get into her pants. Be her friend first.

A word of advice: two women sharing the same living space is difficult under the best circumstances, add in a pregnancy/post partum AND a poly dynamic, you are asking for huge amounts of drama that will likely end in catastrophic disaster.
 
What, move it so more people can jump all over her for her backstory, which wasn't even the point of her post?

Admittedly, asking for opinions on her feelings regarding pregnancy makes it not really a blog, but seriously, nycindie, "nauseous"?!?! Shame on you. I don't care how "blunt" you think you're justified in being just because you happen to live in New York, it was quite possible to explain your issues with her situation without being so scathing.

It's unfortunate that you give such considerate and wise advice at other times- it makes it hard for newbies to determine when they SHOULDN'T listen to you.
 
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This does appear to properly belong on a different board, so I'm moving it.
 
Open minds, open hearts, open home.

It sounds like both you and your husband's hearts are in the right place. I can understand everyone expressing concern over the idea of everyone moving in together right off the bat, but I have to say that I don't think that any of your story strikes me as a "predatory" concept.

I have helped friends in the past by having them come and stay with me while leaving relationships that were no longer serving them. Have helped friends in rough patches by having them live with me for a few months, or just enjoyed helping them save for their first house while co-housing with me. Even if I was having sex with any of them (which one of them I was) I don't consider that predatory - I consider that living together, and having a relationship at the same time.

I think it takes a lot of courage to consider polyamory when you've been in a monogamous relationship for a long time. Kudos to you for not being totally closed to the idea, and for seeing your husband's ability to love another human being while still loving you. Obviously there are lots of questions to answer, and things to figure out, but in the meantime, don't allow people to bully either of you away from your truth - there are people with very strong opinions on this board and it can catch a person off guard at times!

She *is* a fully grown woman, which means that she is capable of choosing who she wants to be in a relationship - and who knows, she may choose your husband and a shared life with both of you. While it makes sense to consider larger life questions (like having a child, or living together) as a general concept, my only advice would be to take things slowly, and concentrate on communication and exploring what is in the here and now. I can totally relate to getting too far ahead of myself in relationship, and once I take my foot off of the gas and look around, I always feel much more grounded.

Good luck, and keep posting!
 
Hey there. You've stumbled into a lot of negativity that is likely because what you guys are considering -- "bringing in" a younger woman to your established relationship (there was actually a thread devoted entirely to people's distaste for this type of language, due to it's correlation with problematic situations: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22905), moving her in right away, expecting exclusivity from her as a condition of the relationship -- are all hallmarks of the sorts of poly relationships that tend to be the most explosive, messy, painful, etc. It's so much, so fast, when things are still so new, so volatile, and frankly so imbalanced. Can it work? Maybe! Does it usually? No. And the person who gets burned worst is typically the newer, almost always younger partner.

There is a huge power imbalance between a long-established couple and a younger single person engaging in a new relationship with one or both members of said couple (great essay on navigating this situation: www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html). By moving in she will become dependent on you. If/when it becomes messy, she may well lose her place to live. If/when she wants to be with someone else, she will lose the relationship (why is it that your husband gets to decide he wants to become involved with someone new, but she never gets that freedom?). If/when she decides she ever wants kids, she will lose the relationship. How is any of this fair to her or teaching her good things about relationships?

If he wants to date her, fine, good, there is nothing wrong with that. He seems to have kind of a paternalistic attitude towards her (what makes him qualified to teach her what a relationship should be... isn't he a flawed human being like the rest of us? doesn't she have her own things to give, to teach? and who's to say his love will protect her, when it might well break her heart worse than the situation she's in now?) but ok, an older man/younger woman dynamic can in theory be healthy. But don't assume you can incorporate her into your lives after a few visits and have it go well.

It takes a lot for two people to blend their lives, a lot of sharing and compromise. Are you willing to give her all the same opportunities to mold her surroundings, to arrange the house to suit her, to ask for sacrifices and compromises from him, the way you and he have surely done for each other in the course of your relationship? Are you willing to let her be a full partner in devising a new threeway partnership... or are you just willing to let her find a niche in the dynamic you've already created? If you cannot in good conscience say that you can give her full partnership -- and honestly, with all of this being theoretical at this point you can't promise anything, as you don.t know how you'll actually react when things are reality rather than imaginings -- then don't put her in the difficult position of living with you early on, and don't be so selfish as to demand exclusivity. Let her live her own life as an independent person and he can date her as such, visiting her in her own place, letting her live her own life with him as a part of it. Why on earth not do it that way?
 
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With regards to your territorial feelings, it's normal to feel that way. The crazed, uneasy thoughts of a metamour becoming pregnant took hold and I couldn't shake it in the beginning, even though my s/o had yet to become physically intimate with anyone else. Eventually I calmed down and realized I was getting ahead of myself, what with everything not moving nearly as fast as it was in my head.

I do think y'all need to reconsider this plan to move her in as your girlfriend though. If this relationship ends she'll need friendship, not an intro into poly.

And can I just say, from an outside perspective without all the details, your husband's deep involvement in C's situation is...strange. Almost a week visiting them? I dunno. Strikes me as odd.
 
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And can I just say, from an outside perspective without all the details, your husband's deep involvement in C's situation is...strange. Almost a week visiting them? I dunno. Strikes me as odd.

I agree. It is odd. And what about his friend, her boyfriend? Won't it jeopardize his friendship with the guy if he steps in, swoops her way, brings her home, and keeps her as a lover? Or does he see having her as totally worth losing his friendship with the guy, which is a definite possibility, I would think?
 
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