Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-13-2018, 01:04 AM
BelleRose's Avatar
BelleRose BelleRose is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 60
Default Feeling Empty

I've been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now, and then today I had a thought for the first time that made me sad. That my relationship with George isn't real, or not as real as it could be, or would be, if we weren't poly.

It started with Luke. When we first met and started dating things seemed magical. I was so happy. I couldn't believe I had these two amazing men in my life who loved me. But then Luke and I fell apart. It wasn't immediately obvious to me that it was poly related, and maybe that was naive of me. But it turns out that because I was poly he didn't expect to have to put the same amount of effort into a relationship with me. He figured that since I already had a boyfriend it wouldn't be as much work for him. Coming to this realization over the past month or so has been really painful, especially when, after repeatedly telling me he loved me in the past, Luke later stated that while he enjoys what we have between us he wouldn't call it love. I was so heartbroken by this that I went numb for a while. Not just with him, but with everyone. Even George. I just felt so used. I didn't go out looking for casual sex. I'm not someone who enjoys or can handle that, and I'm very explicit about it. In the past, before poly, it just meant that people who wanted that passed over me, and I was fine with that. But somehow poly gets confused with swinging and that detail, despite my explicit nature, gets overlooked or conveniently "misunderstood". Since that discussion I have told him that we can't be more than friends. He's asked if we can be friends who play sometimes, but I honestly don't want that. I still have feelings for him, and knowing that he doesn't reciprocate my emotions makes the physical prospect bleak to me. Honestly I feel taken advantage of having shared my body with him at all under false pretenses, and when I think about how I felt about him, about us, before I realized the situation I was in, I feel completely foolish. Truth be told this is probably to do with most of what I'm feeling. I think because I feel hurt, empty and insecure with Luke, I'm carrying around those feelings in a general sense. Internalizing them. And they're leaking into my other relationships. Or maybe it's more than that.

With George, for example. Lately I've felt myself pulling away from him. Part of it is not knowing how to be vulnerable for him, and there's been plenty of cause to be vulnerable lately. Besides Luke, I have to move. I've been living with a roommate since Feb, the living situation has become hostile and I've opted to break my lease early with my landlord and move out at the end of Oct. This is coming at a transition in my career and I'm not financially prepared. Things are just so awful that I have no choice. Anyway, his way of handling that is sort of rubbing my back, making a pouty face (like a kid, with his lip poked out), and telling me "it sucks" and he's sorry that I'm going through it. First, it feels like empty words. Just the same thing over and over and over again. Second, it feels empty because of the limitations of our relationship. I have no idea where I'm going to be living in Nov and I've never been this scared in my life. Everyone in my life has offered to help in some way, whether offering to help me find a place or offering me a place on their couch. Hell, even Luke offered to help. All George seems to be able to offer me is sympathy. He's had friends stay with him and his roommate before. In fact, he has a friend staying with them right now. But his apartment is the meeting place for his other serious partner, Gina, and all his other partners. So of course he can't offer to help. How would that work? Neither of us has explicitly stated that this is the reason in the pouty moments that he pokes out his lip, apologizes and tells me that he wishes he could help. But we both know. And that's made the limitations of a polyamorous relationship a lot more noticeable to me suddenly.

On top of that he can be absentminded at times. I'm nit-picking now, but as an example, we were in a diner a few weeks ago after a day at the beach and struck up conversation with a gentleman at the bar. The gentleman asked where we were from and he said we were both from Brooklyn. No, I corrected, I'm from Manhattan. He turned to me shocked, exclaiming, "You're not from Brooklyn?!" Except that I told him this on our first date, and several times during our relationship. But it never sticks. After that I started paying more attention to him...well...not paying attention. Sometimes it's him not remembering things. Other times it's him finishing my sentences for me, but incorrectly, or just being generally presumptuous where I wish there was more opportunity to connect. To feel heard.

Finally there's the fact that we don't have anything in our relationship that's just ours. I tried to introduce a show to him, hoping that could be our "thing". I wasn't explicit that that's what I was doing, but that was my intention. Then, one week when I said we had to catch up on our show, he said he'd already watched it with Gina that week. I was furious for 30 seconds, fighting tears for the next 30, and then I just let it go. I could see that he was genuinely confused that I was upset and it didn't seem worth it to get into a whole thing over a TV show. Of course, for the rest of the season it was obvious that he'd skipped ahead with her, without me, and the shared activity never had it's same appeal again. Since then I haven't found anything private with him, and sometimes I feel like I'm just one of several in a revolving door of women that he does the exact same things with every week. Exclusivity IS important to me. There has to be something special between us, I feel. If it isn't love, and it isn't sex, that's fine. I'm not exclusive with those either. But I can be exclusive with SOMETHING for him. And without it I've started to feel like what we have isn't special. And because of that I've been pulling away, I guess. Not making as much of an effort when we aren't together. Not texting as much, or being short when I do. I haven't even been as open when we are together. A part of me feels blocked off. I don't think I feel safe investing more of my heart with George.

Which leaves Jose. Last week I almost broke things off. I'd been thinking of dropping the mono boys altogether after what happened with Luke. Admittedly I was coy about this. I should have been more direct. But I was out with Jose and, by way of trying to figure out where he stood so as to avoid another Luke disaster, I told him I was afraid of getting too attached to him in case he wasn't really okay with my being poly. He responded that he couldn't get too attached to me because I had a boyfriend. I flashed back to my situation with Luke and made an excuse to leave early. But later we talked about it - during the talk where I almost broke things off - and it turned out he'd had a misunderstand of my situation with George. He thought it was more like swinging. Once I explained, and also explained that I wasn't open to anything casual, he said he was actually open to more he just didn't realize it was an option.

Since then he's been more communicative, open, affectionate. And still I'm weary of him. I don't trust him. Won't let myself trust him. I'm constantly imagining that maybe he's just using me like Luke, and keeping myself pulled back just in case. Last night/this morning we finally had sex (we'd been having some ED issues which it now seems was anxiety related) and the night before, with a drink or two in me, I was able to actually let go and be happy in the moment. But this morning I felt myself deliberately shut down again.

It's worth noting that I have a history of abusive relationships and that I'm bi-polar. Emotional shutdowns where I literally can't feel anything aren't uncommon. But I don't think I'm depressed because this feeling doesn't transcend my romantic relationships. I think this is more of a defense mechanism because of what happened with Luke. Because I still miss Luke? If I weren't poly, I wouldn't be dating yet. I'd be at home, crying, watching Telemundo, eating fatty foods. But then if I weren't poly, I think, what would be stopping from being with Luke? But then I wouldn't have George, I think. And I love George, even though it's hard right now. I wouldn't want to lose him. Still, it is hard right now. I'm starting to doubt how significant a factor in my life the relationship can be, not because of US, but because of IT, the poly structure of the thing. And if George and I are limited by virtue of being poly, and being poly - and not solo poly, but already involved - is limiting my other relationships, potential and actual, then will I always feel empty like this? Not completely, mind you. Not time to fill up the tank empty. But just...I don't know...just shy of happy.

I'm having a lot of thoughts right now and I'm afraid my freelance writer alter ego took over toward the end there, but that's everything. Sigh. No advice required, but always appreciated.
__________________
ME: Belle - F | Bisexual | Poly | Domme | 30

Mi Amour
PARTNER: George - M | Straight | Poly | 43
Metas
META: Gina - F | Fluid | Poly | 38

Last edited by BelleRose; 09-13-2018 at 01:21 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-13-2018, 09:46 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,803
Default

Hi Belle,

You sound like you are torn about whether to be poly, like you want to be poly but you wish it had more of the mono benefits for you. Maybe some of this is just mourning the loss of your relationship with Luke, and it is leaking out onto your other relationships. You wish George would treat you more special, and you are unsure of whether you can trust Jose. All of these things were caused by poly, or at least they seem to be caused by poly. Part of you would like to leave poly, yet, another part would not want to lose the relationships you have. I am not sure where the empty feeling you're feeling is coming from, perhaps it is poly or perhaps it is Luke, or perhaps it is both. Spend some time thinking about it, you need to be sure that the life you have is the life you want, so that you can be happy in the moment.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-14-2018, 03:07 AM
tealheron11's Avatar
tealheron11 tealheron11 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 30
Default

Hi Belle,
Your post reminds me of a lot of feelings I've felt before, though I am in a different situation in that I had a live in partner (not anymore...) when I started on the poly journey.

I would have felt the same exact way about the TV show thing... It is important to feel that there are things/hobbies/interests and you share with partners that are the special "our" thing. My husband and I have sports. His other partner could care less, but I am a HUGE sports fan and we love to go to events and watch. If all of a sudden she decided to get into sports, and they did sports related things without me, I would be crushed.

I also have been involved with mono-ish boys. I have felt that sting of their lack of effort, of assumptions that since we have other partners, they don't have to be as emotionally available or consistent. In fact, every other guy I have slept with or gone out with, identifies as "mono" (i question this accuracy) but this is my life. There weren't very many good poly options in my area, and I was so desperate to freaking find someone because my husband got involved with someone very quickly and I felt left out and sad. The mono-ish are hard to figure out, aren't they? I fell so deep in love with my other partner that I have off and on considered giving up everything, including my marriage, for him. If he had asked me to, I would have. But he is not the type to do that, nor would he ever.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat more about things. I hope I have been validating, even though I don't have much help other than my own stories.
__________________
“even if this is a mistake. it could only be right to be this wrong with you.” ― Rupi Kaur



Khal Drogo- my hubs
Rhaegar- my lover
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-14-2018, 06:32 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 701
Default

Quote:
after repeatedly telling me he loved me in the past, Luke later stated that while he enjoys what we have between us he wouldn't call it love. I was so heartbroken by this that I went numb for a while. Not just with him, but with everyone. Even George. I just felt so used. I didn't go out looking for casual sex. I'm not someone who enjoys or can handle that, and I'm very explicit about it.

Since that discussion I have told him that we can't be more than friends. He's asked if we can be friends who play sometimes, but I honestly don't want that. I still have feelings for him, and knowing that he doesn't reciprocate my emotions makes the physical prospect bleak to me. Honestly I feel taken advantage of having shared my body with him at all under false pretenses, and when I think about how I felt about him, about us, before I realized the situation I was in, I feel completely foolish.
BelleRose, it just may be possible that Luke did/does really love you, but his monogamous mindset tells him you cannot be fully available to him... fully "his"... so he has backtracked on his previous declarations in order to guard his heart and so HE doesn't feel used and foolish. Kind of like a defence mechanism, he may have convinced himself he doesn't have those strong feelings for you as a method of self-protection.

Is this right or mature? Probably not. Is it understandable? Maybe so, since he is mono and most likely doesn't fully understand what is involved in polyamory.

************

I am totally with you on the TV show aspect, and needing to feel there is something "special" between myself and my partner.

As the hinge in a V between two mono, co-primary LD partners, I have to say each dyad enjoys many things that are "just between us" - including the work of particular artists and writers, songs and poems, in-jokes and pet names for each other - that don't "cross over" into the other relationship.

I think it's important to have these private special things in order NOT to feel like you're just some generic, replaceable lover. Of course, they ought to develop naturally over time... it's difficult to artificially create "special, just-us" moments, songs, interests... they have to occur spontaneously out of a GENUINE love of the same things or due to shared memories of particular incidents.
__________________
Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-14-2018, 10:09 AM
BelleRose's Avatar
BelleRose BelleRose is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 60
Default

Thanks everyone for the responses and advice.

Kevin, I agree that I'm reevaluating polyamory at the moment. I don't think I'm evaluating so much whether to be poly? Maybe? I feel like I am poly. Like it's just my orientation, and I don't think I'd manage in a closed, mono relationship. I don't know if what I'm missing is mono benefits necessarily, especially since Teal & Lula both relate to the TV show feeling. Reluctantly I'll say that it seems like what I'm reevaluating is my relationship with George. True, this could be an opportunity to just talk to him about what I need. But I also wonder if compatibility is a factor. For those of you who have been following the relationship, from pressuring me into KTP in the beginning, to being less than sensitive in front of me with PDA with others, and not the least bit proactive about these things. I guess, if I'm honest, I've been working really hard in this relationship. I've been the one on this forum, doing the research to facilitate a lot of the work he should have been doing as a hinge between Gina and I. In my more recent post, I was dealing with him behaving passive aggressively and withdrawing from me, and I was the one to finally initiate a conversation about what was happening there. Meanwhile during the actual withdrawing, I felt sad and alone. He'd just gotten back from a trip with Gina, and when I told him I felt like he hadn't been communicating with me his initial response had been to apologize, to say he thought I didn't want to hear about this relationship with Gina, and to (literally) send me 15 photos of them on their trip. As if that...somehow...was communicating...in our relationship? Truth be told it's becoming exhausting. Now I have to plan to sit him down and discuss yet another thing that feels obvious to me? That the idea of him giving away/sharing everything about our relationship has lessened the value of it to me. Lula, I agree that the shared things in our relationship should happen naturally. That I shouldn't be trying to fabricate these things, and I don't think I have. I just feel like it doesn't matter what we find together naturally because invariably he's going to give it all away! We could find a great restaurant together and celebrate an anniversary there. But knowing George's nature more, and that these things literally seem not to occur to him, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he loved the restaurant so much that he took Gina there a few weeks/months later, and then told me about it, complete with photographs of the food they tried, etc. Maybe this isn't fair of me, but between not wanting KTP, not being comfortable with PDA around me (with someone I'm friends with, no less) and wanting SOMETHING special about our relationship - this feels like a lot to have to EXPLAIN to someone. I wish he just got it. I wish he just got me. More and more it seems like he doesn't. Or maybe I've just hit my limit with these types of frustrations.

Luke is probably having a compounding effect on that. Obviously mono/poly is a glaring incompatibility. We aren't perfectly compatible in other respects either. I think it's possible, though, that the ways that I am compatible with Luke offset the ways that I'm incompatible with George. Like when I had both of them, I didn't mind certain things with George as much, but now they're becoming glaring.

So one way or another I need to confront my issues with George. Even if Luke and I magically worked things out, even if I found another partner and survived the mono/poly pitfalls, it wouldn't change what I'm feeling, which I'm beginning to think is resentment that's been building. The resentment would probably have started to build even without Luke in the picture, but since he was in the picture now I'm upset about both the difficulties in my relationship with George and the fact that it cost me a relationship with someone who seems to "get" me a little more organically.

It is very possible that Luke is just guarded. I guess it is what it is. Right now the intermittent emotional unavailability of the two mono boys is stinging like crazy. Plus issues with George...smh...

A part of me just wants to call it off with them all and mope around for a while.
__________________
ME: Belle - F | Bisexual | Poly | Domme | 30

Mi Amour
PARTNER: George - M | Straight | Poly | 43
Metas
META: Gina - F | Fluid | Poly | 38
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-14-2018, 12:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,775
Default

I could be wrong, but you sound sad more than anything else.

And like realizing you weren't compatible with Luke if he was looking for casual and you are not. Then breaking up with him has you evaluating your other relationships:
  • If Jose is one of the "mono boys" is he compatible with your type of poly at all?
  • George is poly, but is it the same kind of poly you want to be doing?

I think it is natural to do that at a break up. One tends to want to review their life.

To me nothing is more lonely than being surrounded by people that I cannot really connect with. Like being alone by myself is fine. That's not lonely. That's just enjoying time on my own. I dig that.

But spending too much time around people who just are not a match seems like it underlines the differences/lack of connection to these people. And it makes the time spent with them meh and a waste of my time. I feel lonely for people to really connect with where relating would be easier. Or even just wanting to be alone doing something else cuz that's more fun than doing blah with people I find meh. YKWIM?

Quote:
Maybe this isn't fair of me, but between not wanting KTP, not being comfortable with PDA around me (with someone I'm friends with, no less) and wanting SOMETHING special about our relationship - this feels like a lot to have to EXPLAIN to someone. I wish he just got it. I wish he just got me. More and more it seems like he doesn't. Or maybe I've just hit my limit with these types of frustrations.
It sounds like you've gotten tired of how much work you put into that relationship with not enough back in return to still be worthwhile. Maybe initially compatible but not deeply compatible and you are tired of all the work to maintain it. So now maybe you feel grumpy about having invested all this time and energy into the thing with George. Too much work for too little return.

Is that it?

I think you could have been more direct with George about wanting the show to be your shared special thing and more direct with Jose rather than coy. But other than that? If you are feeling spread too thin or overexposed and really just prefer to hole up a bit? Hole up a bit. Go do your fatty food and telemundo thing. Take care of you FIRST. Then figure out what you want to do about your remaining relationships.

Quote:
I think it's possible, though, that the ways that I am compatible with Luke offset the ways that I'm incompatible with George. Like when I had both of them, I didn't mind certain things with George as much, but now they're becoming glaring.
I don't think I can explain how I feel about that very well. But I do resonate with it becoming "glaring" that the "offsetting" thing no longer works.

I cannot compartmentalize like that forever. Or at least I couldn't in the past. For me that only works up to a point. Eventually I will want a "whole relationship" with people. Not like parts of this one offset parts of that one. Because that only lasts for so long for me before I start to feel grumpy. What I want is two whole partners. Not a bunch of "partial puzzle piece" partners.

If you needed Luke around to help "pad" the relationship with George... how great is the relationship with George anyway?

Quote:
A part of me just wants to call it off with them all and mope around for a while.
If that's what you want/need? To end all these relationships? Take a time out to heal? Start over later? Then you could consider doing that. Maybe that is where some of the resentment is coming from. Putting all these people and their stuff first, and not you and what you need first.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-14-2018 at 01:28 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-14-2018, 01:22 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,337
Default

Hello,
in your initial post, the vulnerability thing stands out to me. Relationships without vulnerability do start to feel empty. I can't just say "be more vulnerable with George" because sometimes people are not very compatible in that area, but if you found ways to do that, I think it would help a bit.
I wish you good luck, Tinwen
__________________
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-14-2018, 02:24 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 701
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BelleRose View Post
(George had) just gotten back from a trip with Gina, and when I told him I felt like he hadn't been communicating with me his initial response had been to apologize, to say he thought I didn't want to hear about this relationship with Gina, and to (literally) send me 15 photos of them on their trip. As if that...somehow...was communicating...in our relationship?

Truth be told it's becoming exhausting. Now I have to plan to sit him down and discuss yet another thing that feels obvious to me? That the idea of him giving away/sharing everything about our relationship has lessened the value of it to me. Lula, I agree that the shared things in our relationship should happen naturally... I just feel like it doesn't matter what we find together naturally because invariably he's going to give it all away! We could find a great restaurant together and celebrate an anniversary there. But knowing George's nature more, and that these things literally seem not to occur to him, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he loved the restaurant so much that he took Gina there a few weeks/months later, and then told me about it, complete with photographs of the food they tried, etc.

this feels like a lot to have to EXPLAIN to someone. I wish he just got it. I wish he just got me. More and more it seems like he doesn't. Or maybe I've just hit my limit with these types of frustrations.
Believe it or not, BelleRose, I get exactly where you're coming from with this dilemma.

Differing communication styles, and differences in the subtle dynamics of what each partner believes is appropriate/not appropriate to "share" or "cross over" from relationship-to-relationship (i.e. what makes any particular relationship special and unique to those two people) can cause issues of "deep compatibility" over time. (As GalaGirl refers to, above.)

I know this, because it's been an on-going battle and a major source of friction in my own relationship with Jester, once we'd gotten past the initial NRE/honeymoon phase.

Although we did develop our own rituals and have special songs, nicknames etc... there have been times when Jester has unwittingly attributed something I had thought was "mine" or only between us, to someone else (to Boho, or another past girlfriend of his) which has hurt me deeply. In those instances, I was immensely hurt --- but I did address my feelings with him ASAP; sometimes having to explain to him verrrry slowwwly, as if he were a child, exactly WHY those things hurt me and why most people who care about the other person's feelings would NOT consider it an appropriate thing to say/do/share.

The fact is, there are quite a few men (in my experience) and possibly some women too, who simply view these things differently: the don't experience jealousy, think it's silly or childish to "reserve" particular names/places/objects/tv shows etc for one person or context only. In short, they just don't get it. Their world view doesn't take "specialness" into account. Or they're simply oblivious to the subtleties of relationships - the sort of thing that is HARD to explain, as you say Belle, but that most people just take for granted as something you would/wouldn't do if you don't wish to hurt your loved one's feelings.

George may very well be in this camp. It doesn't make him "wrong" and you "right", necessarily... it's just a different style of relating... in which they DON'T put emphasis on some aspect of the relationship that you DO. That is most certainly an issue of deep (in)compatibility. It's possible that you may be able to explain your feelings to George and eventually get him to understand where you're coming from...with this particular issue. But if you find you're constantly having to explain in intricate detail exactly what you need and how you'd prefer him to act within your relationship, then yes, it will become exhausting and you may decide it's not worth the time and effort involved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
To me nothing is more lonely than being surrounded by people that I cannot really connect with. Like being alone by myself is fine. That's not lonely. That's just enjoying time on my own. I dig that.

But spending too much time around people who just are not a match seems like it underlines the differences/lack of connection to these people. And it makes the time spent with them meh and a waste of my time. I feel lonely for people to really connect with where relating would be easier. Or even just wanting to be alone doing something else cuz that's more fun than doing blah with people I find meh. YKWIM?

It sounds like you've gotten tired of how much work you put into that relationship with not enough back in return to still be worthwhile. Maybe initially compatible but not deeply compatible and you are tired of all the work to maintain it.
I feel exactly the same way about both relationships and friendships where there is only surface compatibility, but not deep compatibility. Personally, I'm not keen on wasting my time and energies on sustaining a one-sided relationship or spending time with people who really don't "get" me.

It can become very frustrating and hurtful to always be the one expending effort that goes unappreciated... or isn't reciprocated in a manner which makes me feel loved, cared for and fulfilled.

Quote:
I cannot compartmentalize like that forever. Or at least I couldn't in the past. For me that only works up to a point. Eventually I will want a "whole relationship" with people. Not like parts of this one offset parts of that one.
I feel the same way in regards to this also.

When I first started dating Boho, it was because my needs had been going unmet by Jester for some time. She "filled in the gaps" that had developed within Jester's/my relationship and provided me with the reciprocal communication, loving care and attention I needed when he dropped the ball so dramatically after the NRE wore off (for him).

Compartmentalising those two relationships only worked for so long, and to some degree, before I realised that what was missing wasn't love/attention/sex/communication "in general" - but those were things I needed, but wasn't consistently getting FROM Jester himself. And that what I REALLY needed was for him to understand this and to CARE about doing something to rectify the situation.

As the old poly saying goes, "adding" more people to a broken relationship, or to one where there are significant problems or incompatibilities is NOT miraculously going to fix the actual issue. Even though we may be poly, we need EACH relationship to be able to stand on its own merits. We need "whole" people as partners, not scraps or only the parts of themselves they're willing to share with us.
__________________
Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-17-2018, 02:05 AM
BelleRose's Avatar
BelleRose BelleRose is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 60
Default Part One

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

To me nothing is more lonely than being surrounded by people that I cannot really connect with. Like being alone by myself is fine. That's not lonely. That's just enjoying time on my own. I dig that.

But spending too much time around people who just are not a match seems like it underlines the differences/lack of connection to these people. And it makes the time spent with them meh and a waste of my time. I feel lonely for people to really connect with where relating would be easier. Or even just wanting to be alone doing something else cuz that's more fun than doing blah with people I find meh. YKWIM?
I know exactly how you feel about this. I literally feel the same way. I don't handle being lonely very well, but don't feel lonely when I'm just alone on my own. I actually love being in my own company. I go out alone often. I take myself out on little dates (lol). I love planning nights in for myself. It's being around people who don't get me that feels lonely and draining. And then I feel depleted.

I did speak to George since posting this, and I'm not sure we've come to a resolution. I'm not sure that we will. I'm sad, and I love him very much (which I've told him, especially now), but I think he too may be realizing that this may be an issue of deep compatibility, as you all have been saying. I explained how I felt about our relationship lacking any exclusive thing that was just between us. And said, as I did here, that I don't want to feel like I'm in a revolving door of partners that he just does the same things with. By way of providing examples I cited the TV show, as well as a recent museum trip he'd taken with Gina (he asked me to go to the same exhibit last week and I declined because the exhibit was very emotionally heavy and there'd been a death in my family the day before - I couldn't handle it). As the conversation devolved into the usual misunderstandings/push and pull and I started to get exasperated there was a heavy silence on the phone and I think he started to understand the problem. Not understand - still! - so much as maybe start to realize that it was the type of conversation we were having, the necessity of such a conversation, that was becoming problematic for me. Not necessarily specific behaviors of his. When we talked, he said that we were the thing that made the relationship special. The people involved. That it was unique from his other relationships because we were different people. But to be honest, it felt like a cop out to me. It's a beautiful idea. "The relationship is unique because we are." Sure. I'd buy that idea. But in reality I don't feel that way. The idea that he asked Gina to the museum exhibit after I declined just goes to my point. He didn't want to go with me. He wanted to go with someone, so when I declined he asked Gina instead. His response to this was that he didn't ask any of his other partners. He didn't want to go with just anyone, he wanted to go with "someone he cared about". To this I just sighed. That's exactly my point, I tried to explain. Someone he cared about. Me or Gina. Gina or me. Doesn't matter which, just as long as he's flanked at the museum by one of his girlfriends. Which makes me feel absolutely interchangeable.

Part of this might be due to my tendency to do things alone, too. I'm not the kind of person who needs a friend or lover to come with me to a movie I want to see, or to a restaurant I want to try, or to any other activity I'm interested in. I don't need a clique or a crew or to be flanked by someone - anyone - just as long as I'm not alone. Thus, when I do see friends and lovers it is always about them. It's never like, "Hmmm...I want to try this new restaurant that opened up. I'll see if my friend will go with me." It's more like, I want to see my friend, I know they like Spanish wine, oh there's a new Spanish restaurant in the village, let's go there! It hurts me that this isn't George's process. It hurts me that our shared activities, or proposed shared activities, don't start with me. They start with him. The thought process seems to be, "I'm gonna do this, wanna come?" And if I say no, he'll try Gina. If he didn't already ask her first. It's so impersonal.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling so sad, empty, and depleted. It's exactly what you're saying, Gala. The interchangeable feeling I'm feeing with George is making me feel like I'm not really connected to him, and that feeling has turned into loneliness, even when we're together.
__________________
ME: Belle - F | Bisexual | Poly | Domme | 30

Mi Amour
PARTNER: George - M | Straight | Poly | 43
Metas
META: Gina - F | Fluid | Poly | 38
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-17-2018, 02:06 AM
BelleRose's Avatar
BelleRose BelleRose is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 60
Default Part Two

Gala, another thing you mentioned, and Luna too, is the type of poly George is doing. That may be a compatibility thing as well?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
Believe it or not, BelleRose, I get exactly where you're coming from with this dilemma.

Differing communication styles, and differences in the subtle dynamics of what each partner believes is appropriate/not appropriate to "share" or "cross over" from relationship-to-relationship (i.e. what makes any particular relationship special and unique to those two people) can cause issues of "deep compatibility" over time. (As GalaGirl refers to, above.)

Although we did develop our own rituals and have special songs, nicknames etc... there have been times when Jester has unwittingly attributed something I had thought was "mine" or only between us, to someone else (to Boho, or another past girlfriend of his) which has hurt me deeply. In those instances, I was immensely hurt --- but I did address my feelings with him ASAP; sometimes having to explain to him verrrry slowwwly, as if he were a child, exactly WHY those things hurt me and why most people who care about the other person's feelings would NOT consider it an appropriate thing to say/do/share.

The fact is, there are quite a few men (in my experience) and possibly some women too, who simply view these things differently: the don't experience jealousy, think it's silly or childish to "reserve" particular names/places/objects/tv shows etc for one person or context only. In short, they just don't get it. Their world view doesn't take "specialness" into account. Or they're simply oblivious to the subtleties of relationships - the sort of thing that is HARD to explain, as you say Belle, but that most people just take for granted as something you would/wouldn't do if you don't wish to hurt your loved one's feelings.

George may very well be in this camp. It doesn't make him "wrong" and you "right", necessarily... it's just a different style of relating... in which they DON'T put emphasis on some aspect of the relationship that you DO. That is most certainly an issue of deep (in)compatibility. It's possible that you may be able to explain your feelings to George and eventually get him to understand where you're coming from...with this particular issue. But if you find you're constantly having to explain in intricate detail exactly what you need and how you'd prefer him to act within your relationship, then yes, it will become exhausting and you may decide it's not worth the time and effort involved.
Yep, I think that's about the size of it, as they say. Lol. I've thought about the TV show. Let's pretend it was Glee (it wasn't lol) so this doesn't get vague. No, I never said, "George, I'm so glad that we started watching Glee together and have been enjoying it. Can this stay private for our relationship alone?" But the thing is, I didn't say that because I didn't think I had to. That's the exact kind of subtlety that Luna is talking about, and I SO get it. If George had heard about Glee, neither of us had ever watched it, and he asked me if I wanted to watch together. And we ritualistically watched every week. And had inside jokes and even made phone ringtones of our favorite parts of the show (all this really happened, btw). And then one weekend I was away with Luke and missed a Sunday - I would NEVER skip ahead and watch the show with Luke instead. It feels so obvious to me! It's becoming a, "I want you to want to do the dishes," issue. When we were on the phone he asked me - of course, asked me, because I need to be the one to find a solution to the problem - how I would want him to behave instead. If I said I didn't want to go to the museum, would I rather he went alone, he asked. I can feel that he doesn't get it and it's so heartbreaking. First, besides the excruciating work it would be to CONSTANTLY explain and explain and explain everything - I don't want to prescribe his behavior! I don't want George's compliance! I just want a little damn consideration. I just want him to think before he acts. Most people will acknowledge that poly relationships require more work, but I feel like his approach is frankly, lazy. I'm doing all the work. Cleaning up all the messes. Coming up with all the solutions. What is he doing?! Where is he stepping up, taking responsibility, taking initiative?! Where?! (Sorry, I'm getting upset.)

I'm very sad about this, but I'm starting to feel like I may be in the wrong relationship. Or like I need to take a serious break for myself before I can continue doing any more work. I'm thinking about types of poly, and recalling an evening where Gina was out at our bar. She came over and told me she was going home, but then because her husband's date went well and he wasn't going home, she decided to go home with George instead. George also has several other partners besides Gina who are essentially just sex partners that he sees consistently every other week or so. That works for him, but that would never work for me. Personally, I'd be offended if a partner had planned on going home and asked me if they could spend a night with me only because their other partner was going to be unavailable. But Gina and George seem to do that sort of thing pretty seamlessly with no one getting offended and no feelings being hurt. I'd have felt used in the moment, like I was just I filler to distract from a lonely night. It's in these instances that George and I don't see eye to eye. When I try to explain my feelings, the theory behind specific events, the bigger picture, doesn't resonate with him. I wish it did. I wish he understood me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It sounds like you've gotten tired of how much work you put into that relationship with not enough back in return to still be worthwhile. Maybe initially compatible but not deeply compatible and you are tired of all the work to maintain it. So now maybe you feel grumpy about having invested all this time and energy into the thing with George. Too much work for too little return.

Is that it?
I think so. Grumpy, resentful. Something is definitely brewing. About a month ago I posted about a very confrontational group text that Gina sent George and I, and at the time I was super proud of myself from standing up for me, maintaining my boundaries, etc. It's only now looking back that I'm starting to get upset that George dropped the ball as a hinge. That I had to draft a multi-page email that reads like a legal document to prevent my boundaries being crossed by a metamour. I've been vague on the details, but an issue that caused a lot of strife between our poly network was me having a UTI, Gina having one at the same time, and this leading to her finding out that George and I weren't using condoms. Apparently he'd agreed to tell her if he started doing that with me, but forgot. It turns out it was nothing. The drama that spun out from there (with her all but accusing me of bringing an STI into her poly network) happened at the very beginning of my relationship with Luke and contributed to him needing the break that eventually ended the relationship. I live in NYC and have been waiting for an appointment with my GYN for over a month. When I mentioned the upcoming appointment to George I asked if he'd ever gotten tested. Turns out he was tested over a month ago, negative for everything, but didn't bother telling me! I know I'm finding fault with everything now, but this is why I'm becoming grumpy. I think that situation shows that George's laissez-faire approach as a hinge creates problems, and I think I'm just tired of solving them, trying to solve them, and having them unfairly affect me.
__________________
ME: Belle - F | Bisexual | Poly | Domme | 30

Mi Amour
PARTNER: George - M | Straight | Poly | 43
Metas
META: Gina - F | Fluid | Poly | 38
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:09 AM.