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  #1  
Old 09-14-2018, 12:26 AM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Default What do you do when someone cancels on you?

For the second time now, Whiskers has had to reschedule on me. The first time he told me about 5 days in advance and apologized that he forgot he had theater tickets with a friend. The second time was for tomorrow and we had daytime plans for some time when we would both be able to be free from work — and then a meeting got scheduled last-minute and now he can’t make it.

Both times, I had made plans accordingly taking into account these dates when planning time with others. And then when he cancelled I wasn’t sure what to do — should I try to see if Ponytail wants to hang out now that I am unexpectedly available? Is that weird? Like I am giving Ponytail “leftover Whiskers dates”? It feels weird to just sit at home when I’d love to see Ponytail with the additional time, but it also feels weirdly disrespectful to ask someone out for a time when you were originally scheduled to be with someone else....

Am I overthinking this?

ETA: I should add that Ponytail knew about my plans with Whiskers both times. It had come up when I was making plans with Ponytail — he suggested these times and I said, “I have plans with Whiskers then, but I could do ____ I if that works for you?” So an impromptu date proposal to Ponytail would come with the explanation that my date with Whiskers had been rescheduled.
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Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) —> 42, M, Queer

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old

Last edited by MsEmotional; 09-14-2018 at 12:33 AM.
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  #2  
Old 09-14-2018, 03:48 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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For me, it depends on the validity of the reason and how often "things come up". Canceling for work or kids reasons is always valid. Forgotten tickets would be fine on one occasion. Being very sick is also fine, for a sniffle I give the other person the option to cancel, you never know about immunity systems for themselves or others in their circle.

If it keeps happening then I would take it that their method of scheduling and mine and are not in sync.

Canceling something is not something I do lightly or do I expect the person I am seeing to do lightly.

As a fellow parent and a full time worker, my free time is limited and one of most precious commodities. I wrangled over how to deal with flaky friends for years and the result is that I have very little patience with it anymore.

If Ponytail is fine with impromptu dates, then that is a great, ask him how he feels about it? My guess is he won't be happy if Whiskers keeps canceling because it will make you sad.

Have you shared with Whiskers that sticking to the schedule is important to you? MHO is give it a bit longer but it becomes a pattern then...
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Last edited by Atlantis; 09-14-2018 at 04:43 AM.
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  #3  
Old 09-14-2018, 08:59 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Yes, you are over thinking this.
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Old 09-14-2018, 03:34 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Is it twice in a row, or were there other Whiskers dates in between the cancellations?

If you've seen him since the ticket business, I'd say you're overthinking this.

If it's twice in a row, I'd be leary... and wonder if perhaps he views his time as more valuable than yours. I wouldn't panic just yet though. Give it another couple of weeks and see if it happens again, then base any decision you might choose to make on how often he cancels dates and what reason he gives.

Even if the reasons are genuine, I would soon tire of someone cancelling on me relatively often.
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Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
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  #5  
Old 09-14-2018, 04:25 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
Is it twice in a row, or were there other Whiskers dates in between the cancellations?

If you've seen him since the ticket business, I'd say you're overthinking this.

If it's twice in a row, I'd be leary... and wonder if perhaps he views his time as more valuable than yours. I wouldn't panic just yet though. Give it another couple of weeks and see if it happens again, then base any decision you might choose to make on how often he cancels dates and what reason he gives.

Even if the reasons are genuine, I would soon tire of someone cancelling on me relatively often.
I think i wasn’t clear about what it is that I am asking. I am not asking what to do about the Whiskers situation, but rather what to do about making plans with Ponytail if Whiskers (or anyone else) cancels on me. Like, does it make someone feel like a “backup plan” if I offer to get together at a time when I had previously said I had plans?
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) —> 42, M, Queer

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old

Last edited by MsEmotional; 09-14-2018 at 05:26 PM.
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  #6  
Old 09-14-2018, 04:39 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsEmotional View Post
I think i wasn’t clear about what it is that I am asking. I am. It asking what to do about the Whiskers situation, but rather what to do about making plans with Ponytail if Whiskers (or anyone else) cancels on me. Like, does it make someone feel like a “backup plan” if I offer to get together at a time when I had previously said I had plans?
I'm sorry, the title of the thread might've thrown me off.

I'd do what Atlantis suggested and ask Ponytail himself, ahead of time, how he feels about the issue. Just say, "if I have plans with Whiskers (or Glasses or anyone else for that matter) and they get cancelled for whatever reason, would you feel odd about me asking you if you'd like to do something on the spur of the moment? Because I really like spending time with you, and if my schedule opens up unexpectedly, I wouldn't want you to feel weird about it."

That way, it's up to him. If he happens to know you had prior plans and who with, but he's already agreed that it's okay for you to ask him out if plans change abruptly, then I'd take him at his word. Even so, there is a chance he might feel differently in the moment, but he can always say so if you've been open and honest about the possibility and reasons up front.
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Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
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  #7  
Old 09-14-2018, 06:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
what to do about making plans with Ponytail if Whiskers (or anyone else) cancels on me. Like, does it make someone feel like a “backup plan” if I offer to get together at a time when I had previously said I had plans?
If you are worried about Ponytail maybe feeling like he is "back up plan" -- be on your own this time.

Then later ask Ponytail how he would feel about it in future... should you have called to check if he still wanted to hang out?

Then you can know and RELAX.

Galagirl
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  #8  
Old 09-14-2018, 09:00 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Hi MsE,

I tend to agree with the others, ask Ponytail how he feels about the topic in general before a specific instance comes up. Does he mind being "the replacement date?" Let him decide.

I personally wouldn't mind being the replacement date, at least I don't think so.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #9  
Old 09-14-2018, 09:35 PM
ref2018 ref2018 is offline
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What if you had plans with a friend and those plans got canceled for any reason. This should be no different. People get sick, their houses blow up from overpressured gas lines, etc. all the time, and then you're all dressed up and no one to hang out with...
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  #10  
Old 09-14-2018, 09:47 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ref2018 View Post
their houses blow up from overpressured gas lines, etc. all the time, and then you're all dressed up and no one to hang out with...


I’m not usually one for conspiracy theories.....but you paint quite the picture. Exactly how often has this happened in your social circle?
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) —> 42, M, Queer

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old
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