KT's Blog

I guess we'd need the word "monoamorous" to differentiate between people who only love one person at a time and people who only have one sexual partner at a time.

Tonberry - I agree with you!

monogamy (noun) - having only one spouse at a time
syn: monogamous(ness)

polygamy (noun) - having more than one spouse at a time

Polyamory - is the practice, desire, or acceptance of cultivating more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and felt consent of everyone involved. Polyamory intends to develop relationships of the utmost breadth and depth without compromising one for the other, while maintaining heart-space for the self and for the possibility of new relationships.

So per the dictionary definition - we are monogamous - we are only married to each other. Unfortunately there isn't a word to describe our relationship as it pertains to our limited swinging and non-monogamy doesn't cover it. Swinging was recreational, no emotions were involved and it didn't change our marriage.

Monogamy and Polygamy refer to the number of spouses or mates you have, while polyamory refers to how many people you love and are intimate. Swinging is what swinging is - but in my opinion prior to 2rings falling in love with MG we were monogamous - but enjoyed messing around and having sex with other people while together.

I know I'm probably not making my point - and like I said, it's semantics and in the end doesn't really matter does it? We are here now, our marriage isn't what it was - it has changed and I'm choosing to focus on the positives that this change has brought.
 
I am tired. I am worn out: mentally, physically and emotionally. I am sick of the emotional rollercoaster I've been on. It's exhausting. One day things are great - then almost without warning we are miserable.

A few weeks ago, I had an overwhelming amount of hatred in me. I have never felt that intensity before and I didn't want to feel that way anymore. It was hurting me and my husband more than the object of my hatred. So I spent some time reading about forgiveness and letting go. I worked at it - and I was succeeding. The hate was fading. Then things get blown up again - and the hatred and anger came right back. Again - I worked at suppressing those feelings and worked at forgiveness. I focused on the positives in my life and in our marriage. Life was good again.

2rings and I were celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary last week and had plans to spend the whole day together (no kids for 12+ hours!!!) The morning started off great. We were connected. We were appreciative. We were in love. Then on a drive out of town - a touchy topic was brought up and a huge fight erupted. 2rings pulled the truck over, got out and took a long walk. It gave us both time to calm down. When he came back - he just looked depressed and beaten down. It broke my heart. I tried to calmly talk to him. He pulled over again and we sat and fought, yelled, and cried for hours. The day was ruined. We will never get that time back and we will always have that memory of our 15th anniversary. It breaks my heart. By that night when it was time to pick up the kids - we agreed to put everything behind us and try to salvage the rest of our night. We did - but it wasn't the way it should have been. We really needed that day to reconnect and to reflect on and appreciate our love.

We moved on and enjoyed our weekend. He had a date Saturday night - and I went out to a friends house for a party. I had no negative feelings about him going out. I just looked forward to him coming home and putting his arms around me. He did and I was happy and content.

Sunday and Monday morning I felt loved, appreciated, needed and wanted. Then it all went downhill - and fast. Words were posted, feelings hurt, anger erupted, mean words were texted, apologies and forgiveness on one side (MG and 2rings) - more anger and fighting on the other (me and 2rings.) Another late sleepless night. Apologies this morning. Accepted by one (MG) - rejected by the other (2rings.)

I'm just worn down. I'm sitting here at work, with tears in my eyes as I type this. We both want different futures. He loves MG - and her and I won't ever be friends. Too much has happened - too much distrust, anger, harsh words, cattiness and disrespect. I am understanding that he needs her in his life. They are soul mates after all. They both feel that they were meant to be together. So where does that leave me? How does that speak of our 20 years together, our 15 years of marriage, our children? I can't compete with soul mate. If they are truly destined to be together - then him and I aren't - our marriage wasn't supposed to happen. I am in their way. I'm starting to wonder if divorcing would be better for everyone all around? He wouldn't feel pulled between her and I, I can move on with my life and find a man who loves me and only me, or learn to be alone, our kids won't have to see us fighting all the time and MG would get what she has been after all along.

Maybe the "forever" that him and I had planned - just wasn't meant to be?

I've been reading the boards for the past two days - and there are sooooo many people on here who are struggling with polyamory. A few people were ready to end their marriages this past weekend. Fights, miscommunication, anger, jealousy, hurt, misunderstandings, misery, heartache, fear. What's the point? How is this good? How is this healthy? Prior to my husband and MG falling in love - our marriage was strong, solid, unwavering. We fought - but over little insignificant things. Nothing that would put a wedge between us as this has. Nothing that would push us both to the brink of divorce. What's so good about this? It's only brought out the worst in both of us.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much more he can take. I don't know how much more our marriage can take.

And it breaks my heart.
 
Last edited:
I think part of the problem is that you're trying to supress the feelings.

Supressed feelings ALWAYS come back - whether it is direct or sideways.

What works for me - is not supressing feelings - but working through them. Finding the source of the anger, setting boundaries so you're safe to deal with the anger.

If the anger is worked through, sorted through, if you're allowed to FEEL it and OWN it, then you'll be able to let it go.

Its hard. It's REALLY hard to let go of anger - especially if its been there for a long time. Anger is a comfortable friend. Its safe to be angry. It's easier to be angry. Its really hard, really scary to let go of the anger.

(((HUGS))) to you - I get the emotional roller coaster - and its not a fun place to be.

Jane
 
Hi Kt

First I just want to say I feel for where you are right now. It sucks big time and I'm sure hurts even more after you were getting so much better. Hopefully getting out that big post will have helped some and you will be a little lighter by now.

Can I just say to anyone on this board who thinks that it is OK to be on a roller coaster, because you accept the lows and enjoy the highs, that it really isn't. A roller coaster always comes back to rest in exactly the same place it started. When I left my marriage, I got off my roller coaster, boarded a little boat with Z and set sail for a certain destination (the life we are building together). The seas may be rough at times, calm at others but we are moving forward, unlike anyone who sees themselves on a roller coaster.

I must admit KT that I have often thought about whether you guys should call it a day and move on separately. And maybe you should, I don't believe life is supposed to be so hard.

BUT have you thought about what that would actually look like? You obviously still love 2rings. His relationship with MG could very well move to a higher level. You guys have children so separating wouldn't be a magic pill of pain relief, you would still have to see and deal with each other a lot, except he might be with MG. You would be confronted by your pain even more directly. In my experience many of the issues you have inside a marriage are increased on the other side of the fence.

Can I ask, what set it off this time?
 
Forgot to say that when we were in our earlier stages of getting to grips with polyamory we also had a similar problem. We had little time to ourselves (away from work and Z's kids). We really wanted to make the absolute most of our time together but then things that hadn't been dealt with because of lack of opportunity would surface and we both felt deflated because our special time felt ruined. It was like a double whammy.

Our solution was to accept this and so we removed our expectations around our "special time" . We started off any time we had together with a special de-briefing time where we could deal with anything that was bothering us in a controlled manner. We accepted that this time and any feelings that surfaced as a result were more important and had to be worked through before we could get into our loving space.

Hope that helps:)
 
Sorry things are not turning around KT. Fell free to e-mail any time. I get what you are taliking about.

*HUGS*
 
I think part of the problem is that you're trying to supress the feelings. Supressed feelings ALWAYS come back - whether it is direct or sideways. What works for me - is not supressing feelings - but working through them. Finding the source of the anger, setting boundaries so you're safe to deal with the anger. If the anger is worked through, sorted through, if you're allowed to FEEL it and OWN it, then you'll be able to let it go. Its hard. It's REALLY hard to let go of anger - especially if its been there for a long time. Anger is a comfortable friend. Its safe to be angry. It's easier to be angry. Its really hard, really scary to let go of the anger.
(((HUGS))) to you - I get the emotional roller coaster - and its not a fun place to be. Jane

Thanks Jane - I have been trying to get to the root of my anger and hatred. I've expressed how I feel to my husband - but that only hurt him. I told MG why I felt the way I did about her - that only hurt him again. And it hurt me. I have been suppressing my feelings because I want to move on, I need to move on. I have to put this all behind me and be happy in my marriage and be appreciative of all the positives that go with it. But then something happens - and I erupt again. At this point - I'm not sure what else to do.

Hi Kt - First I just want to say I feel for where you are right now. It sucks big time and I'm sure hurts even more after you were getting so much better. Hopefully getting out that big post will have helped some and you will be a little lighter by now.

I must admit KT that I have often thought about whether you guys should call it a day and move on separately. And maybe you should, I don't believe life is supposed to be so hard.

BUT have you thought about what that would actually look like? You obviously still love 2rings. His relationship with MG could very well move to a higher level. You guys have children so separating wouldn't be a magic pill of pain relief, you would still have to see and deal with each other a lot, except he might be with MG. You would be confronted by your pain even more directly. In my experience many of the issues you have inside a marriage are increased on the other side of the fence.

Can I ask, what set it off this time?

Thanks Sage - I don't feel lighter for getting my feelings out in that post. I've been down and depressed all day. I drove home from work bawling my eyes out - thank goodness for Visine. I can't let the kids see me upset anymore.

We have talked about divorce several times over the last year and a half - and everytime, we realize that it would be much more heartbreaking and damaging for us and the kids. We have talked about the kids, the house, finances, living arrangements etc. He has made it clear that if we divorce, he will stay with MG because why should he end a good relationship because ours failed. So yes, I do know that she would still be around and that I will still have to deal with her being in his life - not to mention the possibility that she could become my childrens step-mother. Divorce isn't going to make things any easier - it will make things much, much worse. I just don't feel that I can go on. I just don't feel that I am ever going to be ok with this. I just feel like giving up. I know I sound weak - I guess I am.

Sage - I will PM you as to what set it off this time. I don't want to get into it on here.

Our solution was to accept this and so we removed our expectations around our "special time" . We started off any time we had together with a special de-briefing time where we could deal with anything that was bothering us in a controlled manner. We accepted that this time and any feelings that surfaced as a result were more important and had to be worked through before we could get into our loving space. Hope that helps:)

That's not a bad idea - but I don't know if that would work. I would think that too much anger and resentment will come up and we won't be able to get passed it. Lately, him and I can't talk about her without a fight starting.

Sorry things are not turning around KT. Fell free to e-mail any time. I get what you are taliking about. *HUGS*

Mono - thanks! I appreciate it. It's frustrating to be misunderstood.

I'm exhausted and need to go to bed. Hopefully things will look up tomorrow.

Thanks again to everyone who has supported me and who have PM'd me thanking me for my blog and what is has done to help them. It means a great deal to me. :)

Goodnight - Kat
 
Suppression will never work.
I've been watching Maca do that for 9+ years KT.
IT WILL NOT WORK.
Ever.

The problem with the way you are "dealing" with it-is that you are putting it on MG and 2rings.
These are YOUR feelings.
You need to deal with them.

OF COURSE it hurt them to have you throw your feelings in their faces (not being rude, just the truth, I JUST had this conversation with Maca).


The bottom line is that emotions/feelings are NOT solid things. They are fickle.
They come, they go.
And they do it REPEATEDLY.

Therefore it's almost always a dangerous activity when one decides on a course of action based on emotions-because by their nature emotions are like the ocean, they wash to and fro endlessly.
Actions need to be based upon specific plans and goals.


When your emotions feel good, you do well.
But when your emotions are negative you suddenly attack the relationship between 2rings and MG.

But, emotions aren't dependable gauges of what is best for you or your life.

A child feels anger and hurt when told "No" to some activity they desire to do or some thing they want to have.
However, the adult who said "No" recognized that having that thing or doing that activity at that time was not what was BEST for the child EVEN THOUGH THE CHILDS EMOTIONS said it was.....

We are all people, adult and children alike. We think much the same way.
When something feels "good" we decide it's good for us-but that's a crock of shit a lot of the time and we know it (eating icecream, not good for you, but feels great).
When something feels painful we decide it's bad for us. But the truth is that this is also a crock of shit a lot of the time and we know it as well.

SOMETIMES things that feel good are good for us, sometimes they are not. SOMETIMES things that feel bad are bad for us, sometimes they are not.

The only way to FUNCTIONALLY decide what is or is not best for us is to take the emotion out and consider-what is it that you are trying to accomplish in your life? Then make a list of what steps you need (go backwards from the finish line to now) to do in order to accomplish that.
THEN DO IT.

Regardless of what the circumstances are going to be with you and 2rings in the future-attacking MG is NEVER going to be a good thing for your life. Period.

For the record, the same is true for EACH of you. However, if you want to make it WORK-you can't focus on ANYONE but yourself.

It's YOUR job to set the example in YOUR LIFE of choosing to do that which is best for making you and your loved ones into the "best version of yourself {themselves}" in EACH moment of EACH day.
 
I've been reading the boards for the past two days - and there are sooooo many people on here who are struggling with polyamory. A few people were ready to end their marriages this past weekend. Fights, miscommunication, anger, jealousy, hurt, misunderstandings, misery, heartache, fear. What's the point? How is this good? How is this healthy?

Before Cricket joined our family, I didn't have a solid marriage. We had discussed divorce long before she came into things.

Why?

Because we had spent to long living by societies norms. To long trying to fit eachother into the boxes we were supposed to be in.

Cricket coming into our lives made us both wake up. Made us both fight for what had 8 yrs ago.

Is it worth the pain, misunderstaning, fear, jealousy? Yes. I think it is.

It's worth my husband being loved by as many people as he wants or needs. It's worth the honesty that we have been lacking for years. It's worth our passion being rekindled, by remembering who it was we fell in love with in the first place.

I played a role in his cheating, I wasn't giving him what he needed. And I couldn't reconcile, why, now that we were better, he still needed her. But I can now, after taking the time to actualy hear her. He needs her for the same reason he needs me, because he loves us. And there is no greater emotion in the world, no greater magic, no greater nurtishment, than love.

If you are going to live off your emtions, live off love. Your love for him.

I am a very emotional person. And while I agree with LR that emotions are ever changing and cannot always be depended on for rational decision. But use my emotions as a gauge for where I am in making decisions. And Love is the one I use the most.

It is out of love that I saccrafice time with my husband so he can have time with Cricket.

That part of his life being fulfilled, has brought a new sense of security to our life together.

The secrets, the lies, the hidden life are all gone. We're more open than ever.

Cricket and I working through our issues. I can't say we'll ever be close. I can't predict the future. But we are no longer on edge and putting Karma in the middle.


What I am trying to say, is for me, it is worth it, no matter how painful. The pain has provided a building block. The pain has allowed me to grow and Karma and I to grow together.

The same can happen for you, if you let it. Clinging to what was, instead of embracing what can be, will only cause you to fall further into a deppression.

If you aren't willing to divorce and walk away, then be proactive in your life. Stop waiting for everyone else to make it okay for you. No one is going to affirm anything until you do it for yourself. No one is going to tell you, you are okay, until you decide for yourself to be okay.

You've read my blog, you're well aware of where things have been and are going. You've read my blogs of pain, and my blogs of success.

Our difference, is, I'm not against polyamory. I was against how it came about. I viewed her as his solution to being ignored, and when he wasn't being ignored anymore, I didn't know why he still needed that fix. I missed the fact that they truly love eachother.

I think it may help if you let youraelf acknowledge that. Feel it. Accept it. And feel love for the fact that instead of just one person, you're husband is loved by two women.

Who wouldn't want someone they love, to have more?
 
Wow, hun, that was amazing and beautiful.

I feel all special and loved now :D.
 
I played a role in his cheating, I wasn't giving him what he needed. And I couldn't reconcile, why, now that we were better, he still needed her. But I can now, after taking the time to actualy hear her. He needs her for the same reason he needs me, because he loves us. And there is no greater emotion in the world, no greater magic, no greater nurtishment, than love.

If you are going to live off your emtions, live off love. Your love for him.

I am a very emotional person. And while I agree with LR that emotions are ever changing and cannot always be depended on for rational decision. But use my emotions as a gauge for where I am in making decisions. And Love is the one I use the most.

It is out of love that I saccrafice time with my husband so he can have time with Cricket.

Great post-I kept in the points I'd like to highlight for you KT.
I too am a VERY emotional person. But-because I understand that emotions are so volatile and ever-changing, I don't allow them to be the gauge of my choices, because inevitably-the emotion changes and then the choices seems a mistake. :(

LOVE is a great gauge and the only thing I would disagree with Mohegan (and more than half the population) on is that I don't agree that TRUE love is an emotion.
The emotion is worthless as a gauge for choices-but the ACTION VERB love is an AWESOME gauge for choices.
;)

(again, Mohegan-great post!)
 
KT, I've been silent on your issues for a good long while, just kinda sitting in the background and observing - and this is what I've determined.

You don't want to share. Period.

Everytime someone gives advice or suggests something to help you make poly easier, you come up with some reason that it won't work, or is really difficult, or something else to justify why you won't do that thing.

I have yet to hear from you why this is such a difficult thing for you to deal with - why can't you accept that your husband loves you AND someone else? This is not a rhetorical question dear, but a real, honest one - what is it about that situation that you can't deal with?

It seems to me, from my perspective, that you avoid and dodge issues like this so that you don't have to deal with them. And THAT is why you are constantly on the "roller coaster".

If you were to deal with these things, one at a time, I think you'd find that life - poly or otherwise - would be much better, in the long run. But not dealing with them, living day-to-day in a situation where you're just saying "oh, woe is me" and not doing anything about it... that's a sure way to depression and mental breakdown.

So, think about it - why is this so difficult for you? Are you insecure about your husband? Are you insecure about yourself? Are you just plain territorial? Do you feel like you're going to be "left behind" because your husband is with another woman he loves? These are all possibilities.

I'm going to have Mo post what her reasons were for feeling the way she felt, after I'm done here.

Not wanting to live your life in a never-ending fit of depression and misery does not make you weak, but not being willing to take the steps to analyze and address the problems? That certainly does. And weakness will only make you more miserable. This may not have been the most pleasant thing for you to read, but like LR said, sometimes the things that are good for us hurt like hell.
 
We were talking about things last night and I really wanted to express my issues and how I fixed them, because in someways we are very similar. And I do hurt for all three of you. I want things to work out for you guys.

You and I both tend to get stuck on one thing or one group of things and it is very difficult to move past it.-Find something else to do. Set aside a time for you and 2 Rings to talk and then that's it. Let it go. If you want to bring up the same thing for the 20th time, find something else to do. It'll be hard at first, but soon you'll both be more receptive to what the other says, knowing that dead horse is going to be buried.

Doesn't mean you can't bring up and alternative solution to something you've beaten to death. IF you really think it may solve things. If you are just disguising it so that you can keep beating the horse, force yourself to move on.


I didn't want to share, because I was afraid I would lose something. I was afraid he didn't have enough time, energy, love to go around. I was afraid we would start to fall apart because he was with her so much. I was afraid things would no longer be special between us because he had this other woman, whom I didn't connect with, so I couldn't share in it.

That was the big thing for me. I am a full on give my all share in everything person in a relationship. I want to know all about your day even if all you did was play video games all day, because I love you so much, I don't want to miss out on any aspect of your life.

Kinda like when your kids are growing up and when they're getting to that point that they're gonna walk soon- you NEVER leave them alone, so you don't miss it. Wouldn't be terrible for the sitter to see their first steps. :eek:

WHY??? Why would that be so bad? Will they never walk again? Will they remember that the sitter saw their first steps and not you?

I started to really address things when I went to work. Because I HAD to priortize. I HAD to set things up so that time was equal and I was taken care of, and of course there would be time I would miss b/c I was at work.

I stopped trying to catagorize everything. I tried to make all of our time together special. Even if I was on muscle relaxers and flat on my back. We used that time to talk about the day. What did he and Cricket do? What would he like to do tonight? I no longer needed specified time to talk, I used any time available. I no longer needed to see his "first steps" every day, because some of it just wasn't as important as snuggle time.


Yes it is hard to grasp the concept of sharing. But when I started thinking about how to make our time together count, it made me see that he does have enough love to go around, because love is nourishment. If my love for him is whole and true, and he FEELS it and KNOWS it and SEES it in all that I do, then he has a full tank to give back to me, and to give to g/f. If her love is nourishment as well, Well then we have a pretty well fed, well loved man on our hands, and that makes us pretty damn lucky.

So when I got to that point I realized, it didn't have to be about her and me. I love Karma. I am married to Karma. I promised to take care of Karma, to make sure he never wanted. I want to always have his best interest in mind.

Which is where the more love thing came in.

Isn't it in his best interest to let him be loved and to love all the people he possibly could?

How selfish and uncaring of me, to want to restrict how much love he can have.

How am I taking care of him, if I am restricting the amount of emotional nourishment he can have?

It still takes scheduling and care. As near as Saturday I felt ignored and left behind, but that was a lot of my own fault for NOT COMMUNICATING MY NEEDS. Men are not mind readers, no matter how much they pretend to be.

We'll never be perfect. We're human. But if all actions are done in love, instead of spite and anger, who really loses?

When I give up some of my time b/c Cricket needs him, I get it back, when she decideds, they should spend their day here, b/c I'm in pain and need him. She and I weren't talking then. She put herself in a uncomfortable position, out of love for Karma. And knowing he wanted to be there for me.


A lot of careless selfish acts are removed from the equation, when all parties start acting in love.

You and MG don't have to ever talk again. But if you live life, making decisions based on your marriage, your health, 2 Rings health, and your love for him, you may find things become a lot easier to handle.
 
We have talked about divorce several times over the last year and a half - and everytime, we realize that it would be much more heartbreaking and damaging for us and the kids. We have talked about the kids, the house, finances, living arrangements etc. He has made it clear that if we divorce, he will stay with MG because why should he end a good relationship because ours failed. So yes, I do know that she would still be around and that I will still have to deal with her being in his life - not to mention the possibility that she could become my childrens step-mother. Divorce isn't going to make things any easier - it will make things much, much worse. I just don't feel that I can go on. I just don't feel that I am ever going to be ok with this. I just feel like giving up. I know I sound weak - I guess I am.

KT, you are unhappy with him and you believe you would be unhappy without him? That may be so, but in the long run, in which scenario would you reach happiness?

Do you still love your husband or do you love the idea of him and how he used to be and therefore waiting for him to return to that state?

“He has made it clear that if we divorce, he will stay with MG because why should he end a good relationship because ours failed.”

Are you afraid of breaking it off because then you would consider it as a failure? Are you competing with MG for which relationship is happier/better?

I’ve been following your blog for awhile (I’d really like to hug you, KT *hugs*) and yay, I’m not a lurker anymore and the reason is this:
I fear that if you don’t work this out somehow to the level of content (be it you accepting your current family situation and moving forward or breaking it off and moving forward and building friendships/interactions), the resentment is going to continue building up to the point where you will hate each other and then the divorce would be unavoidable.
The reason I’m saying it (and I have little experience) is that I have a half-sister in another country who doesn’t want to do anything with me, probably partly because my dad and his ex-wife were so long gone into fights and hatred that they couldn’t stand each other, but they wouldn’t separate until the last minute. And when they did, they erased each other from their lives as much as they could.

My few words to you, but I can be completely off!

Happiness is achievable, if you will it.

Lots of hugs,
Myzka
 
You and MG don't have to ever talk again. But if you live life, making decisions based on your marriage, your health, 2 Rings health, and your love for him, you may find things become a lot easier to handle.

I think KT has explained that part of the problem is that her husband feels that it IS necessary for the two women to interact to some extent. He wants MG to be accepted as a member of their nuclear family, and THAT, to my understanding is the source of the friction (or a big part of the source). Please KT set me straight if I got the wrong idea.

Of course, I am not privy to the details of their melt-downs, such as what happened on the 15th anniversary, except for what I read in this blog. But that is what it all seems to keep coming back to. I see KT TRYING to "live life making decisions based on [their] marriage, ...health, and [her] love for him", but he wants something more than that, which she is not prepared or equipped to give. And you know what? KT didn't AGREE to give HERSELF to MG, so she shouldn't be made to feel as if she's not doing right by her marriage because she doesn't want to share HERSELF with her husband's girlfriend. 2R SHOULD BE KISSING KT'S ASS AND MG SHOULD BE KISSING A PICTURE OF KT'S ASS for KT's generosity in putting her husband-and-father-of-her-children's happiness ahead of her own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:mad::(
 
After reading for awhile Kat's blogs and MG's posts. I find it heartbreaking.
I cannot image knowing that someone else is my husband's "soulmate"

It has always seemed to me that Kat is the one who is being expected to do the changing and there is a basic lack or respect for her. Is Kat always right, no I do not believe that. However, I do believe she is in a difficult postition. I have lurked and seen her make strides and then seen her melt down. However, one thing that always comes out is she is wrong.

I wish Kat could find a safe place without fear of reaction for her thoughts by MG and 2Rings.

I am keeping good thoughts for all involved. I truly hope it can all be worked out. These are my thoughts and opinions and honestly I have been afraid to post them.
 
I'm not saying 2 Rings and MG don't have their part to play and their own changes to be made. But this KT's blog, addressing KT's issues. Which is where my answers stemmed from.

We can only fix ourselves not everyone else. We can only do the work on ourselves, not everyone else.
 
Wow - I don't even know where to begin......

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post from yesterday - - - the supportive ones AND the slap across the face ones. I need both of them. Yesterday I was at a low point, and couldn't hold it in. I know it bothers my husband and MG when I write long, negative, woe is me posts - but it helps me to get it out and to get peoples honest replies, no matter how hurtful.

I have to get up for work in a few hours so I am going to respond to as many people as I can tonight - then I will respond to more at work tomorrow. I'll try to make this as short and concise as I can. Please bear with me though.

It's worth my husband being loved by as many people as he wants or needs. It's worth the honesty that we have been lacking for years. It's worth our passion being rekindled, by remembering who it was we fell in love with in the first place......He needs her for the same reason he needs me, because he loves us. And there is no greater emotion in the world, no greater magic, no greater nurtishment, than love........If you are going to live off your emotions, live off love. Your love for him.........But we are no longer on edge and putting Karma in the middle...........And feel love for the fact that instead of just one person, you're husband is loved by two women..........Who wouldn't want someone they love, to have more?

Mohegan - - - first of all, thank you. It is my love for my husband that is keeping me here, that is forcing me to continue to push through my fear and pain, that has kept me from walking away or forcing him to break up with MG. I know that they love each other. I acknowledge it. I accept it. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. But that pain is causing me to lash out at them both and that is causing him pain - how can I do that to someone I love more than anything? I can't. You're right - - - I should want him to be loved as much as possible and there is no doubt that MG loves him with all of her heart.

I too am a VERY emotional person. But-because I understand that emotions are so volatile and ever-changing, I don't allow them to be the gauge of my choices, because inevitably-the emotion changes and then the choices seems a mistake. :(

LR - I completely agree that emotions change quickly and reacting on them leads to mistakes. I just wish that I had the self-awareness to stop reacting to my negative emotions and instead had the ability to step back, realize what's going on and refraining from reacting until I can calm down. That is a huge flaw that I have to work on - restraint. I don't just react to how I'm feeling at that moment or to the issues that caused those feelings - I drudge up things from the past and cause things to explode even more. I am going to have to find a way to recognize my emotions, figuring what is triggering them and find a way to calm myself down long enough to let the feelings fade before reacting to them and making things worse.

You don't want to share. Period.

Karma - I don't disagree. He's been my best friend, my everything for 20 years. Sharing him with MG is very difficult. But he's not mine to share. He is his own person and I need to let go and let him be him. But your right - I am struggling with someone else having a part of his heart.

Everytime someone gives advice or suggests something to help you make poly easier, you come up with some reason that it won't work, or is really difficult, or something else to justify why you won't do that thing.

Not really sure what you are referring to specifically. People have suggested I try many different things: forgiveness, self-love, getting a life of my own...I have tried to do those things. I am still trying those things. Forgiveness is very difficult for me to give right now - but I am trying and I will have to eventually - for me, him and her. Self-love - that is the hardest. I don't love myself. I don't like myself. I have exceptionally low self-esteem and always have. I was working on that with my therapist - but I don't see her anymore. The last few weeks I have been doing more things on my own and trying to have a life outside of my husband. I am trying to do what I can when I can. If there is something specifically you are talking about - please let me know so I can give it some thought and try to change it.

I have yet to hear from you why this is such a difficult thing for you to deal with - why can't you accept that your husband loves you AND someone else? This is not a rhetorical question dear, but a real, honest one - what is it about that situation that you can't deal with?

It hurts. It makes me extremely jealous, angry, bitter, resentful. I hate that he takes time away from me and the kids when we have so little time together because of work schedules. Knowing that they are intimate, share secrets, are experiencing new things together make me crazy with jealousy. Part of me is afraid that he loves her more. That I am not important to him anymore. If they are soulmates - where does that leave me? I feel like he is abandoning me when he goes out with her. I'm hurt and angry that she is so important to him that he is willing to hurt me and risk our marriage. I feel like I am competing with her - and I can never win. The things that he sees in her are things that he doesn't see in me - - and I take that as me lacking. I don't feel good enough for him. I know that I am not expressing myself clearly - there are many emotions that are clogging my heart. I am going to think about this a little more and see if I can give you a more concrete reason.

It seems to me, from my perspective, that you avoid and dodge issues like this so that you don't have to deal with them. And THAT is why you are constantly on the "roller coaster". If you were to deal with these things, one at a time, I think you'd find that life - poly or otherwise - would be much better, in the long run. But not dealing with them, living day-to-day in a situation where you're just saying "oh, woe is me" and not doing anything about it... that's a sure way to depression and mental breakdown.

I don't think that I am trying to avoid or dodge issues. I just get so overwhelmed at times that I shut down. I do have depression and anxiety and am trying to control it with medication. It doesn't always help.

Not wanting to live your life in a never-ending fit of depression and misery does not make you weak, but not being willing to take the steps to analyze and address the problems? That certainly does. And weakness will only make you more miserable. This may not have been the most pleasant thing for you to read, but like LR said, sometimes the things that are good for us hurt like hell.

You're right - anyone can sit around saying "woe is me" and yes, I have done that at times. But I have also taken many steps to try to stop feeling the way I do. I have seen two therapists, I am now on two different medications. I came on here first looking for help, support and advice. I have read several books on Poly and on attitude. I have talked to a few of my friends who know. I have tried to be friends with MG. I am trying to get a life of my own so I am not so dependent on my husband. I have taken steps - maybe not all the right ones, but I've taken them.

As I said earlier - having people give me a needed slap in the face does hurt - but it's what I need at this point and I do appreciate it.

I have to get to bed - my alarm goes off in 5 hours. Neon, LMBL, Myzka and Mohegan - sorry I didn't get to your posts tonight. I promise I will respond more tomorrow.

Thanks again everyone! Goodnight - Kat
 
Last edited:
I'm not saying 2 Rings and MG don't have their part to play and their own changes to be made. But this KT's blog, addressing KT's issues. Which is where my answers stemmed from.

We can only fix ourselves not everyone else. We can only do the work on ourselves, not everyone else.

This-For those of you who've been lurking-if you read around you'd see that many of us have given similar advice to MG. If you asked her she could tell you for certain that I point blank told her that she needs to treat KT with the love and respect that she deserves AND the love and respect she may not always deserve. Period.

BUT-this is KT's thread and she's asking what SHE can do to make her life better.
She can't MAKE 2rings or MG do or say or be ANYTHING.
She can ONLY make herself change, do, say or be something.
So it's ASININE for us to tell her they should this or they should that. She can't make those things happen therefore saying those things is only going to compound her misery.

She SAYS she wants to be happy-therefore she's getting advice on what SHE can do for HERSELF to make HER LIFE more happy.
 
Back
Top