New kid on the block

BasicallyBasic

New member
Hey there everyone!

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years now and decided together about maybe finding another member to add to our relationship.

I have a very odd personality and am very blunt and say things I shouldn't and it makes some people uncomfortable sometimes.

My question for you guys is how? How do you find someone and where do you find them?

My hubby and I have been open to this lifestyle for a year now and we have yet to find someone. I don't know HOW to find someone and to be honest I'm getting impatient. We live in Oklahoma and people around here are very closed minded. So I don't know if maybe its my awkward behavior or the community or what. I am just getting discouraged I guess.

Thank you guys and I am very excited to start these forums!
-BB
 
You could start by not trying to "add" someone to your relationship like a condiment on a burger. That's not how things work. Then, ask yourself why you think you are owed this type of relationship? Did you get impatient when you couldn't "add" a husband to your life? Why is this any different (hint: it's not).

Next, you could read this: So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter.

Very few bi women, especially experienced, poly bi women (also known as HBB, or "Hot Bi Babes") will date couples (again, read the above). In answer to your question: most people on this site don't find someone to "add" to their relationship. Triads are very few and far between, and tend to explode spectacularly. The one that do work do not, that anyone here or that I've ever met in person have seen, start as a couple unicorn hunting. Those, pretty much without exception, end badly. What people do find is that dating separately is the best way to do poly; and, in VERY rare circumstances, a natural triad will sometime form that is great. This is rare, not an expectation, but rater a happy coincidence.

Your best friend on this site is the search function. Search "triad" and "unicorn," and read those threads. It's unlikely your "bluntness" is the issue, and very likely it's that you're unicorn hunting.
 
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Thank you for the link. This is the first time I have done any sort of online outreach/research into this online.

I'm sorry if my post came off as rude or entitled. I know add was the wrong word to use, I apologize. I meant we are ready to start a new relationship with another.

Unicorn, that's a fun term. I did not know about that until you posted so I'm already learning. Thank you for that!!
-BB
 
Hi BasicallyBasic,

Have you had any luck with OKCupid? That is probably the best starting point. And there's FetLife, it's not a dating site but you can certainly find poly people there.

Continuing that train of thought, are there any local poly groups near you? Google "Oklahoma polyamory" or "polyamory" with the name of the major city closest to you. Plus you can try these links:

Some of those are dating sites, others are to help you find other poly people in your area.

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
As someone in a triad: please read up on "couple's privilege". You can just google it, look it up on this site, or on the ones that Kevin kindly posted. There are a ton of minefields you will have to cross, both as a couple looking to date together and for your elusive Lady Unicorn. The best way to deal with those issues is to educate yourself, and talk, talk, talk! Talk to your wife about potential situations, and how you would like to deal with them. Also, be prepared to renegotiate these discussions with your new ladyfriend: she gets a say in her relationships, too!

For example, if you and your wife decide together that you would like to see your new partner twice a week... what if she needs to see her lovers more than that? Conversely, what if she has a busy schedule, so she can't accommodate? What if she has other partners? Many people open to poly may already have a relationship or two (or more). In fact, I can see how having your unicorn be someone experienced and familiar with poly being a very, very good thing. Green horse, green rider: trouble coming! As my grandmother used to say. These are things, plus more, you should talk to your wife about. I swear, it will feel like you do nothing but talk, talk, talk, especially in the beginning!

It's very hard being the "third" to a couple. It's easy for your needs and wants and fears to get trampled, it's easy to be always "out-voted". If there is a disagreement, it's likely to end up "couple vs third" unless the members of the couple are very self-aware and conscious of their potential bias. Being fair to all parties is essential. Expecting some nebulous hypothetical woman to fit cookie-cutter style into you and your wife's lives is unrealistic and will lead to drama and heartache on all sides. If there is any strife or hidden difficulties in your current relationship expect it to be exacerbated and brought to light. Even in the best-case scenario, expect that your life with your wife will be shaken up, broken down, reevaluated, and pieced back together, likely into an entirely different whole. In my (admittedly limited) experience, a couple can't build their life to leave room for someone like they are a missing puzzle piece: you have to make a new puzzle all together.
 
please read up on "couple's privilege".
Better yet, couple privilege.

The problem with most "poly meetup" groups I've been to is that they are dominated by (1) couples looking for single HBBs, & (2) single guys looking for two HBBs. Go to a poly social group to socialize, not to hunt.

I get the impression that most "couple looking" aren't interested in being in any way part of the vaunted Polyamory Community. They want to jump into the water, wrestle their unicorn into the boat, then disappear forever to their private paradise. But, having been told as much by a few couples, I'm kinda cynical that way. ;)

IMNSHO, all the "dating type" sites added together make a VERY shallow pool being actively overfished, & many of those seekers have nothing better to do with their lives than ogle all their bobbers, waiting for the faintest sign of a nibble.

Online is NOT "safer" or somehow more private, much less useful. The AshleyMadison.com database was hacked, so now there's "member" data floating around: real names, home addresses, search history, & credit card transactions. Gizmodo.com found "more than 70,000 bots" (ELIZA programs, that is) in the AshleyMadison data, pretending to be women. One former employee alleged she created more than 1,000 fake profiles in a month for the Portuguese-language site alone.

There's plenty of places where you DON'T have to pay out big chunks of cash, or hand out sensitive personal information... but you DO have to actually step away from the computer & learn how to talk to real people. :eek:

Where I have met most of my lovers
  • science fiction conventions
  • Wiccan social groups & community rituals
  • Renaissance Festivals
  • Naturist events
  • bisexuality socials
  • Morris dance events
  • BDSM socials
  • swing club public socials
  • friends of friends (yep: blind dates, knowing I'm poly)
My friends tell me that they've at least found commonality in their Unitarian Universalist churches, but I'm not very churchly myself. There are a few bi-oriented bars scattered around (like the Town House, in Saint Paul MN).

Number of people I have met from all dating-type sites (including poly) since 1998: 2
Number of polyfolk I have known before they signed up on poly sites: ~20


In sum, anyone waiting to order up a "life partner" online & have her delivered UPS is more likely to be waiting a LONG time.

And that waiting leads to desperation, thus poor judgment -- I have seen couples get fleeced by unicorns who "desperately needed a loan for medical bills" or some such nonsense, & I've heard of one who had a nice income once she learned how easily she could get "her couple" fired, booted out of their church, etc.

When you meet someone socially IRL, at least there's a small chance you'll also know at least one other person who can give you THEIR opinion as to whether your proposed "partner" is sane, sober, disease-free, nonabusive... single...
 
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Better yet, couple privilege.

The problem with most "poly meetup" groups I've been to is that they are dominated by (1) couples looking for single HBBs, & (2) single guys looking for two HBBs. Go to a poly social group to socialize, not to hunt.

I get the impression that most "couple looking" aren't interested in being in any way part of the vaunted Polyamory Community. They want to jump into the water, wrestle their unicorn into the boat, then disappear forever to their private paradise. But, having been told as much by a few couples, I'm kinda cynical that way. ;)

IMNSHO, all the "dating type" sites added together make a VERY shallow pool being actively overfished, & many of those seekers have nothing better to do with their lives than ogle all their bobbers, waiting for the faintest sign of a nibble.

Online is NOT "safer" or somehow more private, much less useful. The AshleyMadison.com database was hacked, so now there's "member" data floating around: real names, home addresses, search history, & credit card transactions. Gizmodo.com found "more than 70,000 bots" (ELIZA programs, that is) in the AshleyMadison data, pretending to be women. One former employee alleged she created more than 1,000 fake profiles in a month for the Portuguese-language site alone.

There's plenty of places where you DON'T have to pay out big chunks of cash, or hand out sensitive personal information... but you DO have to actually step away from the computer & learn how to talk to real people. :eek:

Where I have met most of my lovers
  • science fiction conventions
  • Wiccan social groups & community rituals
  • Renaissance Festivals
  • Naturist events
  • bisexuality socials
  • Morris dance events
  • BDSM socials
  • swing club public socials
  • friends of friends (yep: blind dates, knowing I'm poly)
My friends tell me that they've at least found commonality in their Unitarian Universalist churches, but I'm not very churchly myself. There are a few bi-oriented bars scattered around (like the Town House, in Saint Paul MN).

Number of people I have met from all dating-type sites (including poly) since 1998: 2
Number of polyfolk I have known before they signed up on poly sites: ~20


In sum, anyone waiting to order up a "life partner" online & have her delivered UPS is more likely to be waiting a LONG time.

And that waiting leads to desperation, thus poor judgment -- I have seen couples get fleeced by unicorns who "desperately needed a loan for medical bills" or some such nonsense, & I've heard of one who had a nice income once she learned how easily she could get "her couple" fired, booted out of their church, etc.

When you meet someone socially IRL, at least there's a small chance you'll also know at least one other person who can give you THEIR opinion as to whether your proposed "partner" is sane, sober, disease-free, nonabusive... single...

Another view:

While meeting people open to poly through hobby groups that attract alternative open-minded folks, like the ones on Raven's list is a great idea, I've had success on the dating site OK Cupid. I joined in January 2009, met my gf a few weeks later, and we have been together 7 1/2 years.

In that time, I have talked to hundreds of men. I have been messaged by thousands. I have been on approximately 30 first dates. Out of that came about 7 or 8 relationships lasting from 3 months, to two guys who I was with for 2 1/2 years each. Currently I have been seeing a man for 8 months now, very happily, with no end in sight.

My gf and I always date separately. We are looking for different qualities in a male lover. My desire is for a regular bf/gf kind of arrangement, with good sex, usually involving certain kinks I enjoy. I like a guy who comes to my house often, helps me with household and yard projects, who likes a lot of sex, but also likes to go out on dates. My gf's desire is for a D/s power exchange kind of thing, where she is the sub.

What you desire in a partner, and what your h desires, may be just as different. This is addressed in the article posted above, So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter.

I concur with the other posters, that seeking a unicorn is a recipe for disaster. They call HBBs "unicorns" because they are a myth. They do not exist.

Living in a conservative area makes your dating pool very shallow. I live in Massachusetts, a liberal state (mostly). It is much easier to do poly in liberal cities or states. Ever consider moving?

Read that article, and read everything on morethantwo.com. Read here. Read the More Than Two book, and the book Opening Up. Then discuss your opinions on what you read with your husband. It's only fair to your future lovers that you and he are on the same page, and not struggling with jealousy and bitterness and fear when one of you finds an OSO.
 
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If you regard any woman who doesn't want to be the 'third' in 'your' relationship to be close-minded, you're going to find that most women are close-minded.

Others have pointed out enough links to show the many problems that unicorns run into, with couple privilege especially. To choose not to walk into this situation, to actually want what you yourself have--a marriage--is not close-minded.

Would you consider being the third in another couple's relationship, where you are the one who has no legal marriage, who may not get to fully share the home and the burdens and joys of life, who may go to bed alone several nights a week, who knows deep down that you're likely to be the one discarded if there's a problem?
 
If you regard any woman who doesn't want to be the 'third' in 'your' relationship to be close-minded, you're going to find that most women are close-minded.

Others have pointed out enough links to show the many problems that unicorns run into, with couple privilege especially. To choose not to walk into this situation, to actually want what you yourself have--a marriage--is not close-minded.

Would you consider being the third in another couple's relationship, where you are the one who has no legal marriage, who may not get to fully share the home and the burdens and joys of life, who may go to bed alone several nights a week, who knows deep down that you're likely to be the one discarded if there's a problem?


Your post makes me so sad! The way you put it. I never want anyone to ever feel like that while they are in a relationship with me!!!
 
The way I put it is exactly how it ends up feeling to a great many unicorns, and I dare say even to a great many single secondaries.

Are you willing to let this third potentially have everything you have in a relationship with your husband? A home, a shared bank account, help with the chores and burdens of life, children? Are you willing to face that sometimes husbands fall very much in love with the 'third' and want to put them first? Or would that upset you, because you expect to always be your husband's priority?

The questions are not there to make you sad, but perhaps to suggest that you yourself be a little more open-minded as to why women are not rushing to be part of this, instead of dismissing an entire state as 'close-minded.'

THINK about what you are really offering this potential third.
 
The more I read and from hearing what you guys have to say I'm not sure this is what I am looking for.

I am looking for a friend MAYBE more but my husband would like multiple partners for sure.

I'm still struggling with realizing I MAY be bisexual in the first place as I have never been with a woman, relationship or otherwise.
 
The more I read and from hearing what you guys have to say I'm not sure this is what I am looking for.

I am looking for a friend MAYBE more but my husband would like multiple partners for sure.

I'm still struggling with realizing I MAY be bisexual in the first place as I have never been with a woman, relationship or otherwise.

If you're "bi-curious," but not ready emotionally for a full on relationship with someone other than your husband, and he just wants some "strange," perhaps you two should try swinging. That would be a way for you two to get your feet wet, so to speak, in polysexuality.

Most polyamorists do not do threesomes or group sex. Some do, sometimes, but generally, love is an intimate thing, and physical expression between two people is what comes from love. Threesomes are complicated and need finesse, good manners and trust.

But if you just want some hot sex, you can make friends in the swingers clubs, get your sex in some configuration or another, and then go home as a couple.
 
Threesomes are complicated and need finesse, good manners and trust.

Yes, this!

Add to the list:
- Excellent communication
- Realistic expectations: it's not always Super Hawt Sex (sometimes it's a total debacle!)
- Extra large surface area to fit all the parts
- A surprising amount of lube to keep those parts running smoothly
- A good sense of humour (to laugh at the debacles)
 
Yes, this!

Add to the list:
- Excellent communication
- Realistic expectations: it's not always Super Hawt Sex (sometimes it's a total debacle!)
- Extra large surface area to fit all the parts
- A surprising amount of lube to keep those parts running smoothly
- A good sense of humour (to laugh at the debacles)

Don't forget a big enough bed with individual covers for all ;)

A thick skin helps, too, because there will inevitably be times where one person feels excluded, insecure, envious, or jealous.

Diplomacy and empathy go a long way in smoothing ruffled feathers. They also help when/if one of the couples break up, or transitions their relationship into something other than romantic. Which is likely (considering that the vast majority of romantic relationships do not last into old age.)
 
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