Ari's Blog - Beginning

note to self-can replace "God" w/ "any higher power"

THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.

Copyright A.A. World Services, Inc.
 
THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.

Copyright A.A. World Services, Inc.
This is awesome to know. thanks for posting it :)
 
I sit here contemplating. I made the mistake of reading my blog front to back haha. It was surprisingly hard to read my beginning in this journey. When I started this blog, I was excited and happy. I thought I had found an end game in a way. I had found and been found... the joy I had, regardless of the turmoil left me happy. I came from a fireball of pain last winter and early spring... I was finally "getting" poly and understanding the joy it can bring. I was actually posting less because I was... caught up in my relationship. I understand why people who are succeeding usually move on, its easy to just live poly instead of talk about.

I wonder about myself. Am I cut out for this. Certain people believe I am poly through and through. But am I? Love for me a rare... very rare commodity. I don't give it out, I don't love easily. When I love someone, I know its for life. There are certain fundamental poly beliefs that .. don't make sense to me.

Fluidity being one. People write like its an easy process to adjust your relationship with someone as they come in and out of your life. Fluidity for me is a huge effort. Its... worth it, but holy crap people, its difficult for me. How come in my head this always feels like one of those puzzle games at a truck stop, trying to slide people in and out as you see fit, to make it work.

I also wonder how many people are really just addicted to love. Jumping from relationship to relationship because it is "easy" in poly and fills that need. Never truly mourning the previous relationship. Or hell... maybe thats a monogamous thing. Mourning a relationship. haha I have to chuckle at that because I have a harder time figuring out what to do with Love than I do in dealing with death. People die, animals die... part of life.. fact of life. Thank you very much... I see and read people on various forums and.. I swear to god they are as much an addict as I was to alcohol. The drug release from NRE has them blinded to what they are actually doing (I would love to see stats on how long relationships last... 3 to 6 month average?... about the time NRE lasts). Do I find myself judgemental, hell yes.

How many couples fall into this because of dissatisfaction. Their core relationship is sucking wind, but instead of breaking ties they open up. Does this work, sure, sometimes, it fulfills them, but most times it doesn't. Its a patchwork house looking to explode at the first storm because the base isn't strong. Its like watching a trainwreck... we can all hope and dream, but this is a shaky foundation to get your start in non-monogamy... I once used jenga as an example of how healthy non-monogamy should work. If the base isn't built right the whole house will come down.

Oddly enough, I found a mythical unicorn, one who wanted to talk about relationships. This was not one I wanted to get involved with but... she had some interesting points. Being a very honest unicorn I found her blatantly honest about her intentions. Low self-esteem, scared to commit and terrified of being "needed" in a relationship. She was a secondary and a unicorn by choice because she wasn't stable enough to be in a regular relationship. Now I know poly isn't about the unicorn hunt, but how often does it start that way? I wonder how many people really try to think to themselves why someone would be a unicorn? I am not saying all unicorns are like this, but I know I have wondered about some.

Do I sound cynical. I am. Sorry to say I am. I am on a journey of self discovery. In that discovery I am looking at everything in my life. Including my relationships (past present and future). Pengrah and I are different people in poly. I need to understand that and respect that. But then I look at all the "potential" red flags in the poly beast. I know I can love more than one... that is special and unique... and should be.

I treasure what I have and what I had. I look at these "potential" red flags (including some others I am keeping to myself) and compare them to the reasons I am non-monogamous. To the reasons I can be poly. You see, I need to eliminate all of the things I dislike in order to figure out how I fit and honestly, to see if I should still be fitting. I still don't know where I fit, but this is how I process. Maybe this is my inner coach. "ok the kid sucks at running, is short, can pass the ball and is a pretty decent shot... point gaurd it is".. maybe thats part of my journey in non-monogamy. This is simply another chapter...

Or maybe I just worry to damn much about where I fit and should just accept what I am .. *shrugs*.. I guess that can be another thing to add to my step 4

I am not saying there isn't good poly. I see it, I even had it... poly, as in monogamy has a whole range of good to bad.
 
You're going through a very reflective time Ari, I'm sure you'll come out of it stronger and wiser and with a heart that is even more capable of deeper and more wonderful love.

Thanks for posting the 12 steps LR.
 
Ari-that's an awesome post.

I tend to think similarly. I am POSITIVE that there are people out there who are addicted to NRE. Maca is one. It's one of the reasons I promote taking time to actually get to know someone over a length of time.
BUT-I won't digress in your thread. ;)

To ya'll who appreciated being able to see the 12 steps in writing-you're welcome. It's a good idea to note, for the purpose of people who aren't addicted to alcohol, but may be addicted to something else, you can easily replace "alcohol" anywhere it's stated in the steps with whatever your vice is. ;)

Ari-you're kicking ass. Keep up the great work. Someday you might want to take some of this, print it out, add some more info and publish a book.
 
Ari-that's an awesome post.

I tend to think similarly. I am POSITIVE that there are people out there who are addicted to NRE. Maca is one. It's one of the reasons I promote taking time to actually get to know someone over a length of time.
BUT-I won't digress in your thread. ;)

We can digress, my thread, I love digressing... ;).

I think in my head the "red flagged" NRE applies more to length of time between meetups. I don't mind riding the nre wave. But if you are jumping new relationship to new relationship I would question the intentions :)

Ari-you're kicking ass. Keep up the great work. Someday you might want to take some of this, print it out, add some more info and publish a book.

Thanks LR :eek::eek:
 
We can digress, my thread, I love digressing... ;).

This is good, I don't really want to invest the time going to a meeting.

So you make your inventory and then in number 5 you admit your "wrongs". Don't know if I like that, it triggers images of a wrathful, judgmental god and what are "wrongs" anyway? Most of us are doing the best we can with the level of understanding and baggage we have at the time.

I've acknowledged my errors (like that better) to those that matter and I did write letters to my ex and youngest daughter acknowledging them, but I felt that they were both still in much the same space they were when I was erring. They didn't get me then and they still don't seem to, so the exercise did leave wondering at the point of it all.
I can understand it more if you've done some really dumb things to totally innocent bystanders but most of us hurt the ones we love the most and it's all part of a dynamic between the parties involved.

I think I'm doing AA by correspondence. My oldest daughter goes regularly so I get this stuff from her too.
 
I don't mind riding the NRE wave (been a long time, but anyway).

I think it's more a matter of understanding that's what it is-not thinking that NRE is "what it's all about" or using NRE to hide from the truth of real life, real relationships, real responsibilities.

;)

Sage-

Don't get too hung up on the terminology. It's meant to be a guideline towards bettering yourself and your life. ;)

Wrong/mistake-both are the same thing.
 
This is good, I don't really want to invest the time going to a meeting.

So you make your inventory and then in number 5 you admit your "wrongs". Don't know if I like that, it triggers images of a wrathful, judgmental god and what are "wrongs" anyway? Most of us are doing the best we can with the level of understanding and baggage we have at the time.

The steps are key to do in order for a reason, especially 1 to 3. Step 3 allows you to accept that God will be there to help you. If you aren't alone and have that help, you can progress into step 4... (the rest of the steps become a mishmash, but truly understand and working steps one to three give you the foundation to hit step 4 to 9 or 10...)

Here is a workbook I found to help understand the steps logically... I am a geek and agnostic. The God aspect made me wary but I ignored it.

http://www.docstoc.com/docs/6076732/AA-12-Steps

It might help you understand a bit more.

Step 4 is really brutal. I can't lie. It is a mindfuck. You make a list (AA recommends using the resentments, fears, who you hurt methods) and how YOU impacted those. This list is for you only, but the power of your faith can help you through it.

Step 5 is telling yourself, God and someone else. The reason for that, I thinkg, since I am not there, is like a confessional. You release it into the world and get it off of your chest.

Keeping in mind that most people I have heard do these steps, do not do them perfectly the 1st time. They go back and keep doing them and keeping finding things to look at themselves. So make as honest a list as possible would be key I think. We put up a lot of walls to protect ourselves, those take years to put up, they dont usually come down overnight.

I've acknowledged my errors (like that better) to those that matter and I did write letters to my ex and youngest daughter acknowledging them, but I felt that they were both still in much the same space they were when I was erring. They didn't get me then and they still don't seem to, so the exercise did leave wondering at the point of it all.

My sponsor would ask me if in finding those errors, did you find the root of the problem and fix that, or simply look at the error and admit you did something wrong. I can look at the way I emotionally abused a friend of mine, and say I was wrong, but why did I respond like that to people? Why was I acting like a giant douchebag? Thats the key...if you did that, thats great.

Its not their job to get you. Its not their job to understand. Its more a cleansing process for you. Step 9 is about making amends. And making sure you don't hurt people in the process. If someone can't forgive you or doesn't want to get to know you, there isn't much you can do. You have to trust you have done your best.

I can understand it more if you've done some really dumb things to totally innocent bystanders but most of us hurt the ones we love the most and it's all part of a dynamic between the parties involved.

Not all people are skilled at forgiveness :)

I am not in a place to truely help. I can .. well do what I just did, but I haven't even hit step 5. I can logically look at the steps and think of them like counselling. AA isn't trying to help you stop drinking... YOU have to do that.. AA is trying to get to the root of the problem that made you need to drink in an uncontrolled insane manner. By fixing the root problem, you fix the drinking.

Its a really simple theory that takes a butt load of work. And it works for any and all addiction. (food, sex, love, drugs...)
 
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Hey Ari, your post about NRE was really relevant and interesting... I agree, there are different types of poly... would you mind if I quote you to start a thread? Or would you mind starting a thread? I'm talking specifically about this part... although there are several thread starters there. One of which I am going to start and not quote you... :p Here is the quote

"How many couples fall into this because of dissatisfaction. Their core relationship is sucking wind, but instead of breaking ties they open up. Does this work, sure, sometimes, it fulfills them, but most times it doesn't. Its a patchwork house looking to explode at the first storm because the base isn't strong. Its like watching a trainwreck... we can all hope and dream, but this is a shaky foundation to get your start in non-monogamy... I once used jenga as an example of how healthy non-monogamy should work. If the base isn't built right the whole house will come down."

Would you mind?

I also liked what you said about not posting when things are going well. I am the opposite. I post when things are going well. It's now, when things aren't, that I find it hard to find things to say... I guess because I am depressed and stumped these days. I'm getting through it and coming out the other side now. But it makes me think that maybe there is something to that in me that is off some how... there ya go... another possible thread...

anyway, if you could let me know I would appreciate it.
 
Sage, the Steps were first written in the 1930's and so still somewhat use the language of those times. Also, when one goes to AA, hopefully you work the steps with a sponsor guiding you. And every sponsor has their own take on the steps and adds their own flavor to doing them. A sponsor might even let you know when they feel you're ready to work a particular step, and either encourage you or caution you in working them according to your progress and state of mind.

The "wrongs" generally come out of your personal inventory, which you look over and review, and get honest about. Lots of "wrongs" can be those injustices and unhealthy behaviors you have done to yourself -- it's not necessarily just about admitting "bad stuff" you've done. For example, putting others first at the expense of your own well-being can very much be a "wrong."

Hope that helps clarify.

PS - I'm not in the program but have attended many meetings with friends and relatives for over five years, and still have good friends who are very much involved in AA, with lots of time under their belts. I'm extremely familiar with it.
 
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Hey Ari, your post about NRE was really relevant and interesting... I agree, there are different types of poly... would you mind if I quote you to start a thread? Or would you mind starting a thread? I'm talking specifically about this part... although there are several thread starters there. One of which I am going to start and not quote you... :p Here is the quote

"How many couples fall into this because of dissatisfaction. Their core relationship is sucking wind, but instead of breaking ties they open up. Does this work, sure, sometimes, it fulfills them, but most times it doesn't. Its a patchwork house looking to explode at the first storm because the base isn't strong. Its like watching a trainwreck... we can all hope and dream, but this is a shaky foundation to get your start in non-monogamy... I once used jenga as an example of how healthy non-monogamy should work. If the base isn't built right the whole house will come down."

Feel free. I don't mind if you start a thread using that snapshot thought :)

I also liked what you said about not posting when things are going well. I am the opposite. I post when things are going well. It's now, when things aren't, that I find it hard to find things to say... I guess because I am depressed and stumped these days. I'm getting through it and coming out the other side now. But it makes me think that maybe there is something to that in me that is off some how... there ya go... another possible thread...

:) its interesting to see the different dynamics, I often wonder how much poly is working in the world, in those people who never found "polyamory". Or used poly sites for what relationship help they needed and then moved on to actually live their relationships.

When things are going well, I just don't have much to say... I am too busy living or trying to live my life in the relationships I want. It would be like being on a "love" forum and finding the love of my life. There is just no point to staying...

As much as I love to convey information and give good examples, and I remember last year, bitching about how many people leave when things work... I did the same thing, which I now totally understand. Poly is relationship busy, being involved on a site with a crap load of relationships... kind of saturates you in a poly swimming pool. I think THAT may be it right there. Living in the relationships and being saturated by discussions on the relationships became ... redundant.

When I was an admin on a bike forum... I posted more in the fall through spring. When I was actually biking, I disappeared. It might well be the same effect.
 
Ari and RP- I think a thread on that first topic is interesting subject. Some I have read on here definitely came into poly when there was a problem with the primary relationship. Problems of compatibility or interests or even communication-style. Of course once they were in it, some primary relationships- the ones with a good foundation where the partners are strong individuals have survived the transition from mono to non-mono. I do think that it is fair to say some enter into poly in a less than ideal way, however, if it can help the individuals be happier as individuals with a new ability to connect with others in ways they were not previously connecting, then it is possible for that patchwork to find some support in the "batting" that poly can offer a weakened relationship. Sometimes...not always. There are numerous examples where poly for a weak relationshp has completely shattered the primary relationship. but again, I have to say that poly is never the cause of the breakup from my observation on here and other sites, but rather a grasping at straws. It isn't ENOUGH to keep a bad relationship together. Know what I mean?
 
I am in an awesome place right now.

Work - is going great. I have to create a proposal to re-design the IT structure within the company I work for. This is officially turning regional and will give me more freedom to do the parts of the job I love as well as more freedom to travel.

Sobriety - what is alcohol again? Honestly, not getting cocky but even under some very stressful times I have not really been craving drinks... too much ;)... AA is going well and Pengrah is making some good friends out of the deal too.

Romance - Pengrah and I are doing great. Things are rolling along great, this has been a very healing time.
And to continue the great news, Sourgirl and I are back together. This past bunch of weeks has been hell (with AA etc) but we have both done some growing and learning. Her strength in trying to help me during some of my darkest times is beyond admirable. I love her dearly and am beyond happy to have her back in my life as my girlfriend.

I am lucky to be loved by two very patient women. I count my blessings daily...

Ari
 
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I am in an awesome place right now.
...

Romance - Pengrah and I are doing great. Things are rolling along great, this has been a very healing time.

Oh, good!

And to continue the great news, Sourgirl and I are back together... I love her dearly and am beyond happy to have her back in my life as my girlfriend.

Aha! I thought so, from some hints you've been dropping around the boards. Good work, brother. So glad you've come to this new healthier place.
 
Thanks everyone. Exciting times ahead, heading to Calgary for a birthday visit, best gift I can think of is being reunited with my love. :)
 
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