How to handle this situation?

vanquish

New member
In less than a year, my significant other will be turning 21 and will want to celebrate going out. She wants to take a trip to New Orleans and really do it up big. I'm all for that of course. My 21st was a blast and I want her to have that.

We're both in a bit of a quandry. We both are leaning towards me going on the trip, but are also wondering if it might put a cramp on her picking up some strange ;)

Should I go, but spend a day to myself? Should I just hang as usual, and we both hang out as we normally do? Usually when we're in public, if one of us gets a bite from someone the other one pulls back a little, though we do acknowledge the relationship and don't hide it.

Anyhow, just wondering how the rest of y'all would handle it.
 
I would go for sure. There is plenty to do in New Orleans, if you need to keep yourself busy while she does her thing. It is a large enough city where you do not have to cross paths unless you want to. I would say get two rooms or a suite with more than one bedroom. I know some people feel uncomfortable with others listening to them having sex or even being in the vicinity while their partner is with someone else. That is why I suggested two rooms. Who knows? You might meet someone, too. I say conduct yourselves as if you normally would at home and of course, be honest about your relationship. Just ask her directly if she feels like your presence will cramp her style.
 
Personally, my priority on my 21st was to spend it with people who knew me for some of those years.
 
How would miss pixi and I do a trip to New Orleans or some other fabulous city? We'd be hand in hand the whole time, enjoying each other's enjoyment.

We don't do casual sex with strangers, since we are polyamorous, not polysexual.

But you do what you like. If you're there several days, I guess you two could hang out a lot together but maybe have an evening for her seeking her "strange" alone. If that is what she feels she wants. Personally, I'd be nervous letting my gf loose alone in a city full of horny guys with who knows what kind of morals and ethics. :eek:
 
I would go for sure. There is plenty to do in New Orleans, if you need to keep yourself busy while she does her thing. It is a large enough city where you do not have to cross paths unless you want to.

Very true. Supremely easy to do something separate. Whether it's a few hours or a day.


I would say get two rooms or a suite with more than one bedroom. I know some people feel uncomfortable with others listening to them having sex or even being in the vicinity while their partner is with someone else. That is why I suggested two rooms. Who knows? You might meet someone, too.

On one hand, if I get a suite, I might have to hear her having sex with someone else. I don't think I'd mind, but I've never been in that situation. I'm already cool with her going out on dates that include sex, but if me and the person (girl or guy, she's bi) had to cross paths, it might just be weird.

On the other hand, if she's having sex in her own bed, that would mean she wouldn't be at his/her room all night. And could be ready to go do something else more quickly.


I say conduct yourselves as if you normally would at home and of course, be honest about your relationship. Just ask her directly if she feels like your presence will cramp her style.

We've never quite been in a situation like this. We've discussed it a bit and haven't come to a real answer. Not that it's a painful conversation by any means, we're both just ...meh...not really sure which way to go.


Personally, my priority on my 21st was to spend it with people who knew me for some of those years.

Oh she will be. Her sister (26), her mom (52), her bff (21). And a whole bunch of friends from down there as this is her old hometown.

She's expressed that it would be very cool for me to go. We have a BLAST when we're out together and this is a one-time experience.



How would miss pixi and I do a trip to New Orleans or some other fabulous city? We'd be hand in hand the whole time, enjoying each other's enjoyment.

We don't do casual sex with strangers, since we are polyamorous, not polysexual.

But you do what you like. If you're there several days, I guess you two could hang out a lot together but maybe have an evening for her seeking her "strange" alone. If that is what she feels she wants. Personally, I'd be nervous letting my gf loose alone in a city full of horny guys with who knows what kind of morals and ethics. :eek:

She'll be 21. She's got wild oats to sow. I get that and heck, I'm less than a year divorced so I'm not trying to get married again right now. But we do love each other and are committed to each other. Casual sex is fine by our relationship standards. We always come home to each other.

As cute as she is and as fun as she is to talk to, she's always going to be coveted whether it's NOLA or not. And I'm fine with that. We both go on dates with other people so that's not the hugest deal. The problem would be with it becoming awkward as one of us (probably me simply because she's an extra hot female and let's face it, it's easier for females to get something going than for men)

It seems like a shame to miss out on this extra special trip that will be talked about for years to come if we can come to some sort of understanding. Why not be a part of something so fun that we can share together.

Roleplaying this out a bit, I guess if we're out at a bar and a spark happens for one of us, to make it non-awkward, the one of us not being hit on would just go into "friend mode" and let that whole thing play out. When there's no romantic encounter going on, we would be affectionate and loving as we normally are.

It could get really strange if one of us meets someone and decides to hang out with that person for more than just one night. Meaning seeing them multiple times, possibly including meals and stuff. If it's just a one-night stand, that's easier to put our relationship to the side for because it's just a matter of hours. But if the new person hangs around for a day or two, I'd think that's a bit long to be sidelined for. (To be fair, she's not the kind to keep a guy around for that long, so it's probably a non-issue, but I like to be prepared for anything.)

We'll just need to talk about it more, I guess.
 
Ok -- a SPECIFIC bar idea since you are still are talking to her and learning your role as lover/friend/minder/chaperone person. Just idea -- tailor it for you if you like it.

"Winging it" with no plan is not safe to me. "Have safety word plan in place" to enable one to take risk in sane way is safer to me.

If you are out together and she wants to pick someone up? She gives you the paper with her name/number/hotel key and YOU deliver it to the person and say "My friend, the lady at table ____ wants me to give you this with her compliments. If you would like me to introduce you, I'd be happy to walk you over."

Person up for it and intrigued, you escort X to her table.

"M, here is X. How about some drink/snack?" Make chit chat for 10 min in trio or so. End with "Smile for camera bday girl!" (take pix of them on cel phone.)

Then say "You guys seem cozy so I am going to bow out and let you two get acquainted on your own and take in some sights myself. M, call me in an hour to check in. Have fun you guys!"

M can explain who you are to the degree she's happy with -- he's my friend, this is my bday vacation, etc.

You disappear to where you and M agreed you would be "on call." Your hotel room, hotel lobby, whatever. Don't drink booze if you are on chaperone duty, do your JOB. When it is your night for wild oats she is the chaperone she can return the favor then.

That let's X know you have your "safe word stuff" in place with M, and if X pulls a creeper you will be raising hell and setting the police on X's ass like white on rice with full name, handy recent photo of last location seen. Hell, take a pix of the license.

A pix of ID and pix with bday girl is cheap admission into her hotel room for sex adventures. Best turf is her turf -- her hotel room. Hotels don't have guns, knives, other people in the closet to rape you gang bang style, etc. Then you can be in YOUR hotel room -- best next door. Or in lobby. Handy.

If she's decided to hook up and leaves the location to do it, X knows she's gonna be calling to check in with you first to tell you where she is and when the NEXT check in call will be happening. M can let X know to expect her to call post sex to check in with you -- her safe word person. Still up for sex fun -- yay. Not? Shoo.

No creeper with a brain and unhealthy boundaries is gonna pull a stunt with a chaperone around WITH a picture, expecting check in calls. X doesn't need to know you have hotel room next door. Creepers dont' like "hassles" -- nobody gets raped on supermarket produce stands. The goal is to put enough hoops to weed out the crazies, but not so many it spoils the fun or makes it unsafe.

Decide the safe words for

  • Doing (w)ell. no probs-- ("Having a (W)oNDERFUL time! Check in soon!") "well" = "wonderful" W's.
  • HELP! (G)et me out. ("Having a (G)REAT time! Check in soon!") get me out = "great" G's.

That's your cue to make up shit and say you are glad she called because you are drunk and are lost in town, are in the hospital, lalala so she can go "OH CRAP! My friend! I am so sorry -- let's do this tomorrow ok? I need to get him. And LEAVE with x none the wiser. Solve tomorrow tomorrow. Get tonight solved NOW.

Any adventurous polysexual person with a brain and healthy boundaries will recognize "a clean, healthy hook up" and praise the heavens for sane hook up people to hook up with with "safe word" manners.

It is possible to have fun sowing wild oats with some precaution and style/manners. ;)

My 2 cents.

Galagirl
 
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Agreed. Winging it sounds terrible. Specifically I like the safe words plan.

I'm not sure if the going over to the person at the bar idea is very workable, simply because it sounds a little forced.

Both I and her friends can impress upon the guy that she's protected. Getting a pic of the driver's license sounds doable too.

As for acknowledging our relationship, I agree that should be at her discretion, however I will reserve the right, if it's an extended period of time (day or about that) to be affectionate...depending on the situation.

Gala, I like the way you think. Still a lot to figure out. I may not even go if it's just going to be a setup for me getting pissed on (by the situation not her).
 
You don't want to go to be free of "feeling pissed" so you can feel emotionally safe. Ok, playground it...

  • If you stay, does that mean she goes off with a different safeword person that is not you?
  • If you stay, does that mean she risks going alone with no safeword person safety net?

Just lifting that up as maybe another thing to talk about with her and clarify as you negotiate the boundaries on this trip with each other.

So the trip can be had for her, "fun enough" can be had for both of you (together or separate), "safe enough" can be had for both of you (together or separate), and your shared relationship POST trip can continue ok together.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl, I like your scenario very much. It allows people to go out, meet others, establish safety, and have fun. My BF's only "rules" are #1-Personal Safety First and #2 Have fun. As long as those things are in place, he feels comfortable with me pursuing any scenario I wish. I will have him come and look at your suggestion. Heck its a good idea for our teenage daughters too....

Thanks!
Willow
 
We had a really short discussion when the subject came up by happenstance. She's not totally sure, but she thinks she just wants to go with the girls. She said she may even just celebrate here in town.

I was kinda hoping to go, but no biggie I guess. There will be other trips.
 
I didn't notice this trip is planned months from now. I was thinking NOW, Mardi Gras.

So, she's from New Orleans, and has family and friends there to spend her birthday with. She'll have her sister and gf along on the actual birthday fiesta? And Mom too, or at least Mom nearby. Sounds like she has backup, people she can let know who she is going off to fuck with, if that does come to pass.

Kinda funny actually, that you are so concerned about this when it's months away...
 
I wouldn't say that I was overly concerned. It was just that it came up a few times due to her excitement about getting to drink (legally) and it was unresolved. I thought I'd put it to the wise minds on this board.

I love her a lot so when I hear "fun trip" my mono brain I begin to fantasize about all the fun we could have. I'm re-training myself after a 14-year marriage where the ex and I hardly ever spent a moment apart from each other. :rolleyes:
 
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