NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

Minxxa,

I really appreciate your perspective and self disclosures. I feel like such a phony saying this, but I am really sorry you went through being in Sarah's position.

I think you are right about the loss, and the need to be on my own and be ok with it. Not surprisingly, having them take a step back has brought up all kinds of hurt from my other breakup that I thought I had already gotten over. My past relationship was honest. We lived together for 7 years, and we had so many good times together. I broke up with him after trying to reignite the spark for two years. He is still in his PhD program. It became his main focus. He never mistreated me persay, but certainly took me for granted. I moved away for grad school. We would see one another one or two times ever couple of weeks. Sometimes he wouldn't even get up from his computer to say hello and give me a kiss. I felt soooo neglected emotionally and sexually. When Sarah and Paul came around they were so available, attentive, expressive and loving. They filled that void, I guess. I got used to it. I let me guard down.

Now that they have stepped back I think I am reliving some of the feelings of neglect and loss that I felt when my fiance started to be so unavailable. I never made this connection so clearly until now. Thank you for being so helpful! My crazy emotions are making a whole lot more sense now.
 
Hmm, it is definitely a good thing to make this connection and become aware of what's underneath it all.

If I were you, I would look and see if you have a pattern or belief system that causes you to seek out people who will eventually neglect or ignore you. We all have scripts we follow, old tapes we play, subconsciously, and a lot of the time our own beliefs and attitudes become self-fulfilling prophecies. There may be a small voice inside you that says you don't deserve long-lasting love. Or there may be a part of you that sees a relationship is over but you lack the confidence to end it, so you let it fizzle out until you feel victimized and must leave. It could be any number of scenarios we believe about ourselves or what kinds of relationships we deserve and can have. If you see a pattern -- that is, when the dynamics of one relationship are strikingly similar or reminds you of others you've had before -- that's a good place to start looking. And if you find this to be the case, don't judge yourself about it. Just be aware of this way of operating and be on the lookout for it in future.
 
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Hi, PC,

I don't have anything more to add here...you've gotten some good advice and input. I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there, keep going to therapy, consider what NYC said about patterns and tapes.

JG
 
Hmm, it is definitely a good thing to make this connection and become aware of what's underneath it all.

If I were you, I would look and see if you have a pattern or belief system that causes you to seek out people who will eventually neglect or ignore you. We all have scripts we follow, old tapes we play, subconsciously, and a lot of the time our own beliefs and attitudes become self-fulfilling prophecies. There may be a small voice inside you that says you don't deserve long-lasting love. Or there may be a part of you that sees a relationship is over but you lack the confidence to end it, so you let it fizzle out until you feel victimized and must leave. It could be any number of scenarios we believe about ourselves or what kinds of relationships we deserve and can have. If you see a pattern -- that is, when the dynamics of one relationship are strikingly similar or reminds you of others you've had before -- that's a good place to start looking. And if you find this to be the case, don't judge yourself about it. Just be aware of this way of operating and be on the lookout for it in future.

I just brought this idea up in my last session! I don't date abusive individuals, though I have a pattern of going for emotionally unavailable individuals. This couple is the closest I have come to being with emotionally available peolpe, but by virtue of the fact that they are unfamiliar, and not fully clear about polyamory, they do not always apply their emotionally supportive behaviors to me, making them essentially emotionally unavailable to me.


They did come over tonight and I had a talk. Nothing was really resolved but concerns were aired. That at least helped my frame of mind, helped make me feel like I had a release. Sarah did say that her only problem was Tom and I being in love, which is a HUGE problem!
She wants to be with me, she just doesn't want Tom and I to love one another...I have no clue where this is going. Like always she said she would think about it, and have more ideas about where she wants things to go at some later date. She just never follows through with this claim. The biggest challenge is conveying an emotionally detached, and non-judgemental frame of mind with her, because on the one hand I know she is sensitive and I don't want to be emotionally manipulative, but on the other hand I am flat out hurt by her not wanting us to be in love, and not taking any time out of the last 8 months to be ok with it.
 
Her not wanting you and Tom to be in love is kind of irrelevant at this point, isn't it? You're already in love. She can not want it all she likes, but it's too late. The question is, will she deal with it or not? If the answer continues to be not, you're just going to keep hurting and this won't be able to go on in anything like a healthy fashion.

Maybe you guys can set a hard deadline. Like, a month. Either she decides she's ok with the way things are, and opens up to it (which means allowing the two of you to express your feelings and act like loving individuals... with boundaries that respect their relationship if needed, certainly, but with couple time for you and he as well), or she's not and she has to realize that means letting you go.
 
:)

When something is not going my way, yes, I do 'state that I am not happy with the situation'. But I have been practicing a technique recently that is supposed to increase my motivation & others. After stating the problem, I proceed to 'explain what I would like to do or what I would like to happen' in order to fix the situation, or make me feel better.

Offering up possible solutions is often better than simply complaining about the problem.

Good luck :)
 
I'm going to guess that the reason she is so concerned with you and him being in love is because she (and he, and they together) have NOT fully worked through the past loss of trust issue. He lied and cheated on her with other people, and in some place she "accepted" that's what he needed and has opened up the possibility of him having that in their life to keep her family intact. But moving from that to really being able to accept him loving another are two completely different things. She might very well not be poly, but be "accepting" that this is what he needs to do.

When you don't fully trust your partner, don't feel that they've made you a priority (not the only one, just A priority), and are not getting your needs met-- it is VERY difficult to then be open and loving and accepting of them doing these things for somebody else. And after infidelity (and that's what it was as they weren't poly when he was out running around and lying to her), it takes quite a bit of work and effort to rebuild that trust before the relationship can heal.

And you can "intellectually" think that poly seems to make sense and is what you want, but if you're not emotionally together and healthy you're going to find the hurdles and issues that get pulled out a lot harder to get over.

To me this seems like another case of a couple NOT getting their shit together before dragging somebody else into the mix. And unfortunately, not only does the couple suffer, but the individual that has come into the situation usually gets a lot of drama and/or the short end of the stick. :-/
 
I'm going to guess that the reason she is so concerned with you and him being in love is because she (and he, and they together) have NOT fully worked through the past loss of trust issue. He lied and cheated on her with other people, and in some place she "accepted" that's what he needed and has opened up the possibility of him having that in their life to keep her family intact. But moving from that to really being able to accept him loving another are two completely different things. She might very well not be poly, but be "accepting" that this is what he needs to do.

When you don't fully trust your partner, don't feel that they've made you a priority (not the only one, just A priority), and are not getting your needs met-- it is VERY difficult to then be open and loving and accepting of them doing these things for somebody else. And after infidelity (and that's what it was as they weren't poly when he was out running around and lying to her), it takes quite a bit of work and effort to rebuild that trust before the relationship can heal.

And you can "intellectually" think that poly seems to make sense and is what you want, but if you're not emotionally together and healthy you're going to find the hurdles and issues that get pulled out a lot harder to get over.

To me this seems like another case of a couple NOT getting their shit together before dragging somebody else into the mix. And unfortunately, not only does the couple suffer, but the individual that has come into the situation usually gets a lot of drama and/or the short end of the stick. :-/

Very true all a lot of fronts. Thanks once again for the very thoughtful comments!

Just to be clear though, Tom was unfaithful to his ex-wife, not Sarah.

Also, not that this makes a significant difference, but they are not married.
 
Very true all a lot of fronts. Thanks once again for the very thoughtful comments!

Just to be clear though, Tom was unfaithful to his ex-wife, not Sarah.

Also, not that this makes a significant difference, but they are not married.

Actually, what am I saying!? He was unfaithful in the first three months of their relationship. He was still married and hadn't told her...though he claimed they were not intimate, but none-the-less that's a HUGE betrayal not to tell you're married. I would think five years would be enough to heal from that, though I have never experienced that kind of betrayal so what do I know....
 
Actually, what am I saying!? He was unfaithful in the first three months of their relationship. He was still married and hadn't told her...though he claimed they were not intimate, but none-the-less that's a HUGE betrayal not to tell you're married. I would think five years would be enough to heal from that, though I have never experienced that kind of betrayal so what do I know....

Interesting. To me, though, starting a relationship like that means they never HAD any trust to begin with... so it's not as much recovering from that as trying to build trust where there is nothing.

Regardless, I could make guesses all day as to what's going on with their relationship and that wouldn't help at all as they are only just guesses! I'm thinking that maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is to focus back on YOU. Figure out what you want, what you need, maybe learn a little bit about yourself and why you make the choices you do. And spend some time grieving the loss of the previous relationship. Let yourself feel that loss so you can move through it and come out the other side.

Maybe this was just a big smack on the head that it's time to focus on yourself for a while. For me, the trials and tribulations I went through this year were what it took for me to figure out I needed to get some clarity on myself and do the work I'd been putting off. Had things not been so dire, I would have put off the work further. Sometimes things have to get bad enough and kick us out of our comfort zone and away from our distractions in order for us to have the incentive to do that work. :)
 
I would think five years would be enough to heal from that, though I have never experienced that kind of betrayal so what do I know....

I would bet a lot of buttons, that there are two old sayings, that play in the back of her head. Things we are all taught.

' If he`ll do it with you, he`ll do it to you.'

and ;

' Once a cheater, always a cheater. '

For that reason, she could possibly always be on guard.
 
The suggestions you have had here are great I think. I agree that you would do better to focus on yourself at this time. It sound like they have some stuff to work on in many areas.

This is sounding like it is turning into a friendship. She doesn't want you to spend alone time with him, you don't seem interested in being romantic with her, neither are available to spend time with right now and he seems to be unavailable entirely. It sounds like this went way too fast and imploded.

I think if I were in your circumstance I would negotiate alone time with both of them and together time. Regular date times that are discussed and followed through with until something changes. If you are only interested in him... then this is a vee and it might suit to start treating it as such (or did I miss something there). Spending date time with him and social time with both of them is what I would suggest. Why beat around the bush trying to make this something that is it isn't. If it ends up being a friendship, so be it. If the bonds deepen, so be it. One thing is for sure as far as I am concerned, time to slow right down.

It sounds like she is likely to be confrontational about alone time with him for you. So I think I would prepare to put my foot down about this. It is completely unreasonable to not have that as an option. Either you can agree to it and suck up how you feel, or not and she will have to suck up how she feels, or you can end the relationship. Private time is one of the most important things... actually, there is really no point I can see, for the long haul, that would make a dynamic such as yours work any other way.

What I am suggesting is to take the emotion out of this and make it scheduled in time slots. The emotion can come during those time slots. That way, you can sort out your life and look forward to scheduled dates and so can they; no expectations, no assumptions; some time to sort stuff out personally and time to let nature unravel what will be.

I think one text a day is reasonable... that can be negotiated too. If they don't text and you want to say hi, text them! There is nothing more damaging that expecting texts and not getting them... you create your own drama with that one I think.
 
Polycouple......I was in a poly relationship for a short time with an established couple. It wasn't a triad in that he and I were a couple and he and she were a couple. She and I weren't. Anyhow, I moved to be closer to them and because I wanted to live in a warmer climate. I spent the first month living with them (as we had all agreed on ahead of time) to give me time to find my own place in the new area. (I had a job in the new area BEFORE I moved.) My new job was a little over an hour from where they lived. I found a place to rent and moved out at the end of one month. I chose to rent a place in the town where my new job was so I didn't have to commute so far.

He reassured me that while we certainly couldn't see each other everyday like when I was living with them, we could certainly touch base a few times a week. (I didn't come into the relationship as a "secondary". I had been clear I wanted to be another primary and he agreed with that.) Well that never happened after I moved out. In fact, I never saw him/them once a week much less more often. I missed them deeply. It was such a loss to have such closeness and then it was gone. They encouraged me to "find some of my own friends" where I moved to so I wouldn't be so lonely. The thing is.....I missed THEM!! They were my friends and he was my lover. They couldn't easily be replaced by others. (Now mind you....it wasn't just time alone with him I missed and wanted. I had spent time with them as a couple, with their extended family members, etc. I'm also very comfortable spending time in my own company.)

They continued to live together and going on with their lives, rarely taking my thoughts/feelings into consideration when plans were being made about how they would spend their time and other commitments they had made. Finally I told him I would like a commitment to seeing each other once a week in some capacity....he said he couldn't commit to that; It was too much pressure with all his other commitments. It hurt to lose him/them, especially after having experienced what it was like to be together on a daily basis.

Polycouple.....I'm right there with you in terms of the sense of loss and am sorry you're having to go through this. (The polycouple I was with weren't/aren't a married couple either. They had started out in a "V" with her in the middle with her husband and with our guy living together before I met them. Then her husband left and filed for divorce to be in a mono relationship.)
 
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NRE or falling in love?? feeling tortured!

hi all, so happy to be perusing this forum. i already feel better, but still feel like i need some insight on my situation.

here's the summary: i am a queer woman, partnered for 5 years. always thought i might be poly but got into a mono marriage with my current partner Alex, even though we are not very sexually compatible, thinking i could make it work. eventually i cheated on Alex and we re-negotiated and did a lot of work to improve our communication and open things up.

i am now seeing someone who started out as just a fuck-buddy, i'll call her Sam, but after having mind-blowing sex with Sam somewhat regularly for the past couple of months i have started developing feelings for her. i have tried my best to keep things as casual as possible without emotional ties but the more time and sex i have with her the more my feelings deepen.

now i am away on work travel and Sam has another fuck-buddy staying with her from out of town and i feel awful. i have this terrible craving/withdrawal feeling and terror that Sam is off with someone else and this whole thing has taken on this intense prominence in my mind. i have even avoided Sam's phone calls while i've been away because i've felt so vulnerable and didn't want to break down or get intense with her on the phone while she has someone else staying with her.

i'm trying desperately to try and figure out what this means, what i want, and what i should do. i read another thread about how its not really possible to feel NRE for more than one person at a time, and now i feel obsessed with the idea that maybe i am in this alone and she is off falling in love with someone else, who is somewhat more available to her since i have a lot of agreements i have to honor with my primary partner that sets a lot of restrictions on how much time i have been able to spend with Sam.

Am I just being ridiculous and obsessive? is this how NRE just is? i have talked to Alex a bit about how I am feeling but feel terrified to talk to Sam about it, for fear of totally freaking her out. She has said she is content with this arrangement, has a hard time with missing me sometimes but thinks its worth it.

help??
 
Try thinking about it this way. What if everything was exactly the same except you were single. What would you do and think then? It's ok to be falling for someone when you thought it was just going to be casual, it happens to people both poly and mono all the time.

The fact that she says she has a hard time missing you makes me think she won't freak out if you let her know that you might be crushing out on her just a little. Let her know that you really like her and ask if she'd like to go out for coffee sometime (you don't even have to call it a date). :)
 
I think a lot of the time, people who want to keep things casual really want to keep things casual. I am still a bit broken-hearted about a guy I was seeing who wanted it to be FWB and when I told him of the deeper feelings I had for him, he broke it off. Upsetting, to say the least. I am not projecting my relationship onto yours, but I know that around that time, I was starting to feel this frantic longing for him, it was torture when I didn't see him for a while, and when I look back on it, I see I was a bit out of control. Now I'm not sure I was falling in love with him. The sex was so-o-o-o good, probably the best I'd ever had at that point, and I was obsessed. Or possessed, maybe, LOL.

I think you should do what you can to get both feet on the ground. Use the time apart to take care of you, connect with Alex, cultivate a fuller sense of satisfaction within yourself, and get some exercise to dissipate some of your energy. Try connecting with more people around you, and do fun things that you love, so that you aren't hanging on every moment you will have with Sam as the be-all and end-all. Eventually you will just settle into a feeling of okayness. It will still be exciting, but not all-consuming if you work at it. Just try not to give in to that frenzied neediness.
 
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Yes I think you are obsessed. Is that a bad thing? No, I don't think so. Its what us humans do... The thing is though that the part of your obsession that says that she is yours; "how could she possibly..." or "how could this other person think that they could be near her like I am" is what needs to be addressed. She is her own person and you yours. She is not yours to keep close. You can have close moments when you are together and even over text, but she is capable and going to have them with others too. Just as you can and have.

I also suggest you concentrate on yourself and your other relationships of every kind. Its important, I think, to keep a balance of all things in life and it sounds like your balance needs a bit of re-balancing.

If I were in your situation I think I would call her up in a good moment and wish her well with her guest and tell her you will see her when you get back. Then I think I would text her every day, say hi, put lots of smileys on there and say what you are doing and wait it out until you get home and then some. I think I would go home and concentrate on what I have been neglecting as a result of the NRE of having this woman in your life and try not to obsess about her. Then I would see her for coffee, a meal, whatever and ask her how her time went and catch up... see how you feel and ease back in or pull away accordingly... if you feel like you want to ease back in I think I would then tell her what went on for you and how you feel about her and see how that goes.
 
Beginninglove,

How are things with Alex? He/she (?) gets only a brief mention, which centered on sexual incompatibility. I get the impression you're not happy being with Alex. I could be way off the mark, though. Who knows?

Playing with Sam seems like playing with fire. This is exactly why I don't do the fuckbudy, casual sex, thing. If the sex is good then I'm emotionally involved. If I'm not emotionally involved, the sex is no good (for me!). If it is a relationship I want, with sex included, then it's best to start out as good friends (for me!).

Maybe you can transition from sex buddies to love partners. Maybe not. But what is the deal with Alex? Where does Alex fit in to this picture?
 
First of all, it's not impossible to be in NRE with 2 people at the same time. Of course, unicorns in triads can feel this. I also felt it, not as a unicorn, but when I had been with my current gf for 3 mos, I met a guy and had NRE for him as well.

Just sayin.'
 
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