Advice needed.

panda95

New member
I have a lot to say so bare with me please. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We live together and have a 1 year old son who was planned. We have plans to have another child and buy a home in the near future.

My boyfriend's brother who we were both very close to recently passed and his mother also passed 3 years ago. Things have been different between us since the brother passed but I feel like we're both just mourning. My boyfriend has always been a little emotionally detached. Him and his ex were off and on for I think around 5 years. He's told me some things about her, not all good, and he was extremely hurt about their break up and everything before we got together.

Recently, my boyfriend began researching polyamory and told me that he is in love with 2 people. Me and his ex. He describes us as complete opposites of each other. He wants to reach out to her and have a relationship with each of us, both emotionally and physically. He feels as though he has made a self discovery that he's never been whole and that having both of us will make him whole.

I am extremely blind sided by all this. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it but I'm having major issues. I want to be with him. I love him and want him to be happy. But in the beginning of our relationship, he went behind my back and was contacting his ex for a month before I found out. He stopped contacting her and she still tried to reach out a few times before she finally stopped maybe 2 years ago. I feel like she has already disrespected our relationship by reaching out to him and I also feel that he has insinuated that the disrespect is ok by continuing the contact back then. I am not ok with him having a physical relationship with her. I told him that is he wants to talk to her and if that will make him feel better, then I am open to it. But that's not enough for him. He wants then to have a complete relationship outside of our life with her and have the physical part as well. He wants our relationship to be the primary relationship, and theirs to be secondary. I really don't know what to do and am completely crushed. I feel as though our entire relationship has been a fraud and knowing what I know now, I don't think we can go back to where we were before. He says he can't lose me and wants to stay with me but his decision is that he wants us both.

I just need some advice please. Sorry for the novel.
 
I don't believe for a second that they have discontinued contact.

This isn't ethical poly. This is a whitewash for cheating. Others will be along who will assure you of what poly is and isn't. I just wanted you to know you have my empathy..
 
I have a lot to say so bare with me please. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We live together and have a 1 year old son who was planned. We have plans to have another child and buy a home in the near future.

It sounds like you should put those plans, at least, on hold, while dealing with the relationship issues!

My boyfriend's brother who we were both very close to recently passed and his mother also passed 3 years ago. Things have been different between us since the brother passed but I feel like we're both just mourning.

My boyfriend has always been a little emotionally detached.

Has your bf withdrawn even more since his brother died? This is very common with men who are grieving. I had a bf lose all his interest in sex, romance, even cuddling, when his mother died fairly young. He broke up our relationship and we went to "just friends."

He and his ex were off and on for, I think, around 5 years. He's told me some things about her, not all good, and he was extremely hurt about their break up and everything before we got together.

Recently, my boyfriend... told me that he is in love with... me and his ex... He wants to reach out to her and have a relationship with each of us, both emotionally and physically. He feels as though he has made a self discovery that he's never been whole and that having both of us will make him whole.

I am extremely blind sided by all this. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it but I'm having major issues. I want to be with him. I love him and want him to be happy. But in the beginning of our relationship, he went behind my back and was contacting his ex for a month before I found out. He stopped contacting her and she still tried to reach out a few times before she finally stopped maybe 2 years ago.

Or maybe he just got better at keeping it a secret on his phone...

I feel like she has already disrespected our relationship by reaching out to him and I also feel that he has insinuated that the disrespect is ok by continuing the contact back then.

This is all on him. He is responsible for responding when she reaches out. It sounds like he never got over her.

I am not ok with him having a physical relationship with her. I told him that is he wants to talk to her and if that will make him feel better, then I am open to it. But that's not enough for him. He wants then to have a complete relationship, outside of our life, with her, and have the physical part as well. He wants our relationship to be the primary relationship, and theirs to be secondary.

We have a member here whose wife told him she wanted to rekindle with an ex. She "dropped the poly bomb." But they managed to work it out by being completely transparent and doing lots of research into polyamory together. There was no sneaking around. Al99 is the member.

I really don't know what to do and am completely crushed. I feel as though our entire relationship has been a fraud and knowing what I know now, I don't think we can go back to where we were before. He says he can't lose me and wants to stay with me but his decision is that he wants us both.

I just need some advice please. Sorry for the novel.

You can't control your husband. If you want monogamy and he doesn't, it sounds like you have come to a crossroads. Al99 was blindsided but he felt able to Open the relationship. You do not want polyamory, so it sounds like you have to walk.
 
He has definitely been more withdrawn since his brothers passing. But more emotionally withdrawn than physically. And I would be more open to poly if it weren't for the fact that it's her. Like he doesn't want other women. He wants me and her. I feel so embarrassed and used and stupid. I've always known that he was still in love with her. I just convinced myself that if I was a good enough girlfriend, after a time he wouldn't need her anymore and I would be enough. I do everything for him. I'm a fool, I see that now..

I was thinking maybe he's just confused with all the grief and is trying to find a way out or something. I don't even know if counseling or therapy can fix this.
 
I'm so angry. I've never been so angry in my entire life. And I'm so scared...on top of the fact that my older sister is currently separated with her husband and is staying at my mom's with her two kids so my family is already under a lot of stress. I don't have anyone to go. I'm stuck.
 
I'm sorry this is happening.

Speak your truth.

  • If he wants to talk to her and if that will make him feel better? Then you are open to it.
  • You are not ok with him having a physical relationship with her. You do NOT want to be in a poly V with him and her.

Do not plan another child together. Do not buy a house together.

I don't think we can go back to where we were before. He says he can't lose me and wants to stay with me but his decision is that he wants us both.

He is not the boss of anyone but himself. So if you do not wish to participate in this, it is not gonna happen like he wants. If she doesn't want to participate in this, its not gonna happen like he wants. For a V to happen, it has to be a "3 people yes" thing and he does NOT have the consent of all parties.

If this whole thing has soured you on him and you think he was just using you and never got over his ex? Walk away.

I'm so angry. I've never been so angry in my entire life. And I'm so scared...on top of the fact that my older sister is currently separated with her husband and is staying at my mom's with her two kids so my family is already under a lot of stress. I don't have anyone to go. I'm stuck.

Talk to your family. I know things are hard but don't keep it secret.

Maybe you and sister can be roomies and find an apartment together?

Galagirl
 
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Hello panda95,

The bottom line here is, that your boyfriend wants a physical (not just emotional) relationship with his ex, and you are not okay with that. If he goes ahead and has sex with her anyway, you will have to decide what you'll do. You have a child so that complicates things if you decide to break up. Your family is already dealing with one breakup and your sister is already staying at your mom's with her two kids. So that's one less option of where you could stay. I guess you could bite the bullet and stay with your boyfriend for the time being, but definitely don't have a second child with him, and don't buy a house with him. That would only make the situation worse. Honestly, you need to find a way to break up with him, if it takes awhile that's understandable, but do it as soon as you can. He has not been straight dealing with you.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. :(
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I have to say that I'm also finding it VERY difficult to believe that she stopped talking to him 2 years ago and he hasn't reached out either, and he's now suddenly asking you for a poly relationship so that he can be with her. If that were actually the case, he would have no idea if she would even be receptive to the idea, because he wouldn't have spoken with her in 2 years.

Not only should you not have another kid or buy a house with this guy, I think you need to ask him to come clean as to whether or not he's been talking to, or worse, seeing her and cheating on you behind your back. At the very least, he hasn't been up front with the fact that he's in love with someone else and if they're still talking, then it's an emotional affair.

If he doesn't want anyone else, and all he wants is specifically her, then I wouldn't so much call that polyamory, as wanting to have his cake and eat it too. I mean, is he suggesting that it would be fine for you to sleep with and fall in love with someone else too? Or just him?
 
I'm so angry. I've never been so angry in my entire life. And I'm so scared...on top of the fact that my older sister is currently separated with her husband and is staying at my mom's with her two kids so my family is already under a lot of stress. I don't have anyone to go. I'm stuck.

Honey, I feel so bad for you! Of course you feel this way! That tells me you are normal.

The rule on affairs is that when they are discovered they drive it deeper underground.

So then you get "trickle truth", where they admit to the things you caught them red-handed with. That's all we did, yeah, the things you can prove.

Polyamory is not your problem.

Do not have children, do not mix finances. That decision alone should take a lot of weight off you. There is no emergency requiring those.

Polyamory cannot be achieved in an environment of bad faith, deceit, and manipulative behavior.

Well, it can. But lives get ruined.

My wife had a fantasy honey - about me having a mistress. So we figured out how to engineer that. Details are unimportant but from the outset nobody had anything "sprung" on them. No after-the-fact (after the child) revelations. We do have kids. But before we had them, she made her fantasies REALLY clear.

The strategy of you working hard enough to make up for what was lacking in him didn't work. He was lacking in devotion, apparently. If you really were #1, then you would not be the last to know. That's being #3 in your case, with the three of you.

Good luck, it is awful not knowing the future. You are the one in charge though, and do not make the mistake of digging a deeper hole.
 
I've always known that he was still in love with her. I just convinced myself that if I was a good enough girlfriend, after a time he wouldn't need her anymore and I would be enough. I do everything for him.

His cheating aside, you would do well to take responsibility for your end of things. You're not a victim of their "disrespect," you're a participant in a relationship that does not feel safe or nurturing. Nobody can ever inflict this upon us, we have to choose it. You do everything for him? Really? Why? In a safe, loving and emotionally secure relationship, neither partner has the feeling that she does everything, nor needs to. Both partners feel generally cared for. Why do you keep yourself in a position in which you must constantly be proving your value?
 
You guys are all right. He's trying to find a band aid explanation for just wanting me to be ok with him cheating. I found out that he most definitely did talk with her about this before even bringing it up to me. I've talked to a few people I know personally in the community and they say the same that you all are.

As of right now, all future crap is off the table. I don't trust him anymore. I'm not sure how he can make this better or if that's even possible. Rooming with my sister is not an option. She's a psycho and is very irrational and reckless. I can't live with her again. I'm hoping to get a better paying job within the next few months and get a place for myself and our son. He's a good dad. And he has already agreed without me asking to stay with a friend for now and continue paying rent where we live. My other sister is willing to help me get a place and with tax season coming up, I'll figure something out.

Thank you for your help. <3
 
"But in the beginning of our relationship, he went behind my back and was contacting his ex for a month before I found out. He stopped contacting her and she still tried to reach out a few times before she finally stopped maybe 2 years ago. I feel like she has already disrespected our relationship by reaching out to him and I also feel that he has insinuated that the disrespect is ok by continuing the contact back then."

I think this needs closer examination, maybe not for this relationship but for others. Not everyone would think it's wrong to keep contact with an ex so for many people, there wouldn't have had to be any initial creeping around just to keep in touch. I'm not even speaking about poly people here. Then, again, not everyone would think it "disrespectful" to contact an ex who is in a new relationship. In fact, if you knew a new partner was forbidding it and you cared for your ex, you might carry on so they have an outlet in a potentially abusive situation. Controlling at least. Context matters a lot here.
 
Hi panda,

Thanks for keeping us posted, it sounds like you are beginning to assemble a decent exit strategy, I consider that to be good news. If you can break up amicably, that would probably be for the best. He is a good father so it is probably good for him to still be involved in your son's life. But I do agree with you that a breakup is needed.

Keep us updated if you're willing,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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