Interrobang
New member
Hi,
My wife and I are new to being Polyamorous. This was her idea and she has plenty of good reasons to be poly. There are lots of things I like too. However, she's still figuring out what she wants out of being poly. She said it would take time for her to discover what she wants, but in the meantime anything goes. I just finally told her after nearly a year of dating that leaving me home alone wondering if she is coming home, where she is, who she's with is not cool anymore. I demanded text updates if plans change so I at least know where she is and if I should expect her to come home. I thought this was reasonable. She didn't think it was as reasonable as I did because it stifled spontanaeity, but she did agree, sorta. As of now that is the closest we've come to a discussion of expectations, boundaries, and rules. It's been a year of being poly and my wife still says she's figuring it out and can't agree to any mutual expectations or boundaries of any kind (safe sex being the exception. However, anonymous casual sex is still an option).
Yesterday a person my wife liked on OKCupid responded to her and suggested a double date. The other couple was very open about their rules and expectations and asked my wife what our expectations are. Well, we don't know. That other couple asking us what our expectations are precipitated a pretty heavy argument. FYI the other couple identifies as "not polyamorous".
Even though she's been dating and sleeping with people for awhile now whenever I mention defining our expectations and setting boundaries to protect comfort levels (mostly mine) she gives me the line that I'm just feeling patriarchal feelings of possession toward my woman; get over it. I don't know what to expect here, but I have a feeling that this isn't a male/female issue. I suspect that it is simply human nature to want to know what your partner's limits are and in what situations you would expect them to have sex with others. Right now her limits are "whatever feels right at the time". I feel like part of the reason we have been undefined for so long is because I still have yet to meet a partner I like in that way. Consequently, she has yet to experience any of the emotions I've been grappling with.
I've done a lot of soul searching and reconciling my own feelings over the last year of being poly. At this point you could tell me for anything, "this is just something you have to accept", and part of me would say, "welp, must be me then".
What's normal? Do many poly people go into this with an undefined relationship? Would a reasonable partner accept a partner who required that expectations be left undefined? At what point do you say "we need to define our expectations and set guidelines for being poly."?
My wife and I are new to being Polyamorous. This was her idea and she has plenty of good reasons to be poly. There are lots of things I like too. However, she's still figuring out what she wants out of being poly. She said it would take time for her to discover what she wants, but in the meantime anything goes. I just finally told her after nearly a year of dating that leaving me home alone wondering if she is coming home, where she is, who she's with is not cool anymore. I demanded text updates if plans change so I at least know where she is and if I should expect her to come home. I thought this was reasonable. She didn't think it was as reasonable as I did because it stifled spontanaeity, but she did agree, sorta. As of now that is the closest we've come to a discussion of expectations, boundaries, and rules. It's been a year of being poly and my wife still says she's figuring it out and can't agree to any mutual expectations or boundaries of any kind (safe sex being the exception. However, anonymous casual sex is still an option).
Yesterday a person my wife liked on OKCupid responded to her and suggested a double date. The other couple was very open about their rules and expectations and asked my wife what our expectations are. Well, we don't know. That other couple asking us what our expectations are precipitated a pretty heavy argument. FYI the other couple identifies as "not polyamorous".
Even though she's been dating and sleeping with people for awhile now whenever I mention defining our expectations and setting boundaries to protect comfort levels (mostly mine) she gives me the line that I'm just feeling patriarchal feelings of possession toward my woman; get over it. I don't know what to expect here, but I have a feeling that this isn't a male/female issue. I suspect that it is simply human nature to want to know what your partner's limits are and in what situations you would expect them to have sex with others. Right now her limits are "whatever feels right at the time". I feel like part of the reason we have been undefined for so long is because I still have yet to meet a partner I like in that way. Consequently, she has yet to experience any of the emotions I've been grappling with.
I've done a lot of soul searching and reconciling my own feelings over the last year of being poly. At this point you could tell me for anything, "this is just something you have to accept", and part of me would say, "welp, must be me then".
What's normal? Do many poly people go into this with an undefined relationship? Would a reasonable partner accept a partner who required that expectations be left undefined? At what point do you say "we need to define our expectations and set guidelines for being poly."?
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