Love Languages - touch

NovemberRain

New member
hi all,

I was reading on another thread that opalescent's partner had to learn that touching as much as she wanted was sometimes irritating. And it hits home. Hard.

So, I'm wondering about anyone else's experiences with mis-matching desires for touch? Do you think relationships can go long when it's mismatched?

One of my partners, I asked him 'do you know I love you?' 'yes' 'how?' 'because you touch me' (that was long before I knew about the love languages)

The other one only wants touch when he wants it, and then only briefly. He's good for a pat, or a few strokes of his hair (he has gorgeous hair), and then he's done. When we were mono, it became very painful for me. I am more able to tolerate it now, and I'm able to touch him less. In part, because I know I can fulfill all that with the other, who leans into any touch; even in his sleep.
 
Katie and I have been together 5 years. I can't remember the last time I've gone a day without touching her multiple times. She gets so frustrated with it because she is not a touchy person and I will literally cuddle and hug and hold forever. She just wants brief bugs and kisses. She's been attempting to be more tolerant lately and I've gotten a lot of couch cuddle TV time as a result. Yay!

Give me someone I can treat as a giant teddy bear and I am content.
 
Keith and I have been talking about this lately... He has been VERY touchy feely lately and it has been driving me CRAZY. I knew it would be his primary love language, so I made him take the assessment the other day and lo and behold... It was far above the others.

I have control issues. To the extent I should probably examine why they're there, but that's another issue... I can't stand to not have the freedom to move about as I wish - which isn't possible when you're lying next to someone who wants to have both arms around you as well as legs intertwined and heads leaning together. Since taking the assessment and becoming aware of why touch is important to him and realizing that it's not the same for me AT ALL, we've been able to balance pretty well.

Luckily, my main love language is quality time, so the two work together pretty well when you're aware of what's going on. I get to have his focus on me while we do things together, and I just have to make sure we're holding hands, he has his arm around me, I'm holding on to his arm as we walk, or something like that and we are both fulfilled. :)

@November - I personally don't really like people touching me around the face, I can stand to have someone play with my hair when I'm in the mood, but other than that.. I would rather pretty much to be left alone (kind of sounds like your partner). I have however found that when we are just sitting around reading, watching tv, or something like that, I can have my legs on him without it bothering me at all (he sits on one side of the couch, I sit on the other and spread out so my legs/feet are propped on his lap). He gets his sense of touch, I get my sense of space. Maybe something like that could work for you two?
 
MrS doesn't tolerate much touching. A few pettings of his gorgeous long curly hair when he has it (he shaved it all on Friday...and the Penguins still lost!) or a quick kiss/hug are about it. Doesn't like much contact when he is sleeping. I need more touch than that - so when I need contact I go stand beside him when he is on the computer and he leans his head against my belly...and I know I am loved without smothering him.

Dude, on the other hand, is VERY needy in the touch department - always wants to cuddle, kiss, hug forEVER, watch TV with his head in my lap and sleep all in a tangled heap. (One of my favorite of our poly quotes arose from this http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=124542#post124542) Sometimes I have to tell him he is stealing my air and he has to be satisfied cuddling my legs for a bit so I can breath.

We learn each other's languages and try to adjust...

JaneQ
 
thanks y'all :D

I do much better now that I'm aware of it. It was just interesting the last time we slept together...we don't do that terribly well together. I am often restless because of the pain, and he sleeps light because he's not accustomed to sharing a bed. But I was trying to snuggle and pet him, and it just irritated him instead of soothing. But now I know not to do that. However, he's perfectly content to fall asleep smashed together. Note to self: no petting in the sleep.

I used to have a lover that wanted to sleep with me like a teddy bear, my nose smashed into his sternum. It was occasionally a challenge to breathe, but I sort of liked it.

km, I used to not be able to tolerate touching on my neck ~ I had an incident in toddlerhood of someone holding me down by my throat. Now I can barely stand fabric at my throat, but I think that's more due to my physical condition. I used to love turtlenecks (now too hot, plus the whole choking feeling). But the touch is fine (not that many folks touch there!) Was interesting to get over.
Don't even think about touching my belly button. (oh we've had stupid fights about *that*)(I know he thinks I'm holding it back from him to be spiteful, but if he touches it the mood is so far gone as not to return)
 
lol, JaneQ, I've actually told that story! I love it too!
 
Sward is of the physical touch department. Big time. I like touch, but only in a special way most of the time: passive and calming is great, actively gong all out with touching and caressing and such easily gets on my nerves. I like lying together in front of the TV or just cuddled together for sleep or a quick stroke here or there over the day, but I hate it when I have to concentrate on the touch all the time it takes place. And Sward is a master at making yourself aware of the fact that he is touching you right now.

The hardest part is always when we sit down to eat. If we haven't had the chance to see each other over the day till that point, he is all over me. And I hate being interrupted when I eat (food is my third lover, in a way, I love eating :p ). There have been some serious hurt feelings on Sward's side and unnerving moments on mine when this happens. When I concentrate on my food, everyone asking physical attention of me feels like an intruder on my quality time with my dinner. Sounds strange but that is the case.

I am a quality time person, as well as a physical touch one. But it seems that my taste concerning the appropriate touch is quite special. I am well matched with Lin in that regard and have to look out for Sward getting enough touchy times even though I may be not in the best mood for it sometimes. But as already mentioned, those two go well with each other and I get my quality time as well while getting into the situation of touch with Daddy Bear :D So everything works out most of the time.
 
Don't even think about touching my belly button. (oh we've had stupid fights about *that*)

OH! I'm the same way! I hate that. My ex never could understand why I'd slap him away from my belly-button. Stay away, I mean it! I don't know why, I just hate the feeling. Ewww. And TOUCH is my most prominent love language, so go figure.

My sister is the same way about her belly-button, ever since she was a little girl and saw the Three Stooges episode where someone sticks a beach umbrella into Curly's belly (he was under the sand). You can't go near her - she'll scream and kick.
 
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I used to not be able to tolerate touching on my neck ~ I had an incident in toddlerhood of someone holding me down by my throat. Now I can barely stand fabric at my throat, but I think that's more due to my physical condition. I used to love turtlenecks (now too hot, plus the whole choking feeling). But the touch is fine (not that many folks touch there!)

I don't know where it comes from, but I really don't like having (the front of) my neck touched. I can't wear necklaces that are short, let alone a choker (not that I wear jewelry often). Can't wear turtlenecks (or even mock turtlenecks, or any high neckline at all that isn't very stretchy) - spend the whole day tugging at my neckline.

Dude and I will be spooning on the couch watching TV and he will be absentmindedly stroking my arm, boob, ear, jaw...gets to my neck - "Aaack!" - and I jump up off the couch.

Dude, and VV now that I think of it, sometimes enjoy being choked lightly during sex play (which I can accomodate) and have apparently had previous partners that also liked this (not me). Doesn't freak me out now - but I had to learn how to re-direct them without breaking flow. Again adjustments...

Don't even think about touching my belly button. (oh we've had stupid fights about *that*)(I know he thinks I'm holding it back from him to be spiteful, but if he touches it the mood is so far gone as not to return)

OH! I'm the same way! I hate that. My ex never could understand why I'd slap him away from my belly-button. Stay away, I mean it! I don't know why, I just hate the feeling. Ewww. And TOUCH is my most prominent love language, so go figure.

My sister is the same way about her belly-button, ever since she was a little girl and saw the Three Stooges episode where someone sticks a beach umbrella into Curly's belly (he was under the sand). You can't go near her - she'll scream and kick.

Sounds like this is fairly common! I squirm just thinking about someone thinking about touching my belly button. My reaction here can be involuntarily violent as I attempt to defend my naval. For some reason this ends up coming up in conversation (MrS, I'm looking at you!) when we are all hanging out, drinking, talking. Moving day a few years ago Dude and MrClean playfully (and drunkenly) decided that they were going to test this and proceeded to try to carry me off out of the garage. MrS warned them that I could not be trusted to control my defense reflexes in this regard (he was a recipient of an involuntary knee to the 'nads back in college). Final outcome was that I single-handedly (literally, ONE hand) moved an upright freezer about 2 1/2 feet as I grabbed on in an attempt to resist an anticipated belly-button-touching. Took 3 guys to put it back in place.

JaneQ
 
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I am all about the snuggling. During summer when it gets too hot, then it's tough. Winter on the other hand, I can't get enough. One of my pet names for the ladylove is "snuggle-up-against" similar to "snuffleuffagus" fron sesamie street I suppose.

when taking the love test, I scored three times higher in touch than any other category.

touch makes me happy. :)
 
I am pretty evenly matched between "Quality Time" and "Physical Touch", my partner is almost the same between touch and "Words of Affirmation" (although he's a bit higher in "Words"). After a long marriage where my husband didn't like much touching unless it was a means to an end (sigh), it is WONDERFUL to have the touch on such a casual, everyday basis.

The only thing is, when one is missing ("Quality Time"), the touch tends to be missing as well, and when he's with his OSO for any great length of time, I start getting REEEEAL tetchy. Doesn't help that I'm mono and don't have another outlet for my time/touch needs unless my kids are here and all snuggly. :p

With my marriage, it went on a LONG time (more than 15 years) without the "touch" need met, but we had "time" in spades... that really did help, but it still felt empty by the time we finally acknowledged it was over.
 
I'm a physical contact junkie.
I love being touched, and I have a strong tenancy to utilise touch as an expression of affection.

With my wife she has a few fairly specific types of physical attention she requires and enjoys, giving or receiving, and these are constant, public or private, however she also has a short list of things she really hates (doesn't like her hair being played with, at all!)

Contrasting with another lady I've become involved with again, she's a full contact cuddler, extremely reactive to receiving all kinds of touch, as well as giving, except when in public however, in which case she prefers all public displays of affection (physically speaking) be minimal for the most part.

Contrasting further with the lady my wife is getting involved with, She is very affectionate physically all around, big fan of giving neck and back rubs and cuddling up, but its often very casual without erotic overtones to it, which is to say its friendly contact more so than "sexy" contact.

Between the 4 of us, its 4 very different levels and preferences when it comes to touch, takes a bit to navigate everyones contact-language and needs.
 
So, I'm wondering about anyone else's experiences with mis-matching desires for touch? Do you think relationships can go long when it's mismatched?

I am, and always have been a kinesthetic hoar.
{Kinesthetic learning is a learning style in which learning takes place by the student actually carrying out a physical activity, rather than listening to a lecture or merely watching a demonstration. It is also referred to as tactile learning. People with a kinesthetic learning style are also commonly known as do-ers.}

I love to touch!
A major mis-match in my 25 year relationship with the man I married, is that he is touch-averse. (Not fully disclosed/discovered until after we were married.) My desire to touch the hubby and being rejected for my main way of expression did affected my self-esteem, but not nearly as much as the emotional abuse, Yet, I believe if it were not for the multitude of other issues for our relationship, this would have not been a deal-breaker in itself.

My friends are touchers, my son even still hugs me at 20yo, and I found a career in massage therapy where I can provide safe, non-sexual touch to my heart's content.

My current partner loves to be touched. I call him a "nerve stroke junkie." We find ourselves holding hands without thinking about it. He asks me to "pet" him. I can fall asleep stroking his back. I am in pure heaven.
I have to laugh, because he often comments he feels guilty that he does not touch me as much or as skillfully; but my touch and expression being loved, accepted and even sought out is absolute bliss to me. I think I'll keep him!
(Just need more time together in person to touch him, dammit!!!!)

I guess, for me anyway, to touch means more than being touched back, though I really do like that too.

Precious
currently Mono to my poly Sunshine
 
I guess, for me anyway, to touch means more than being touched back, though I really do like that too.

Absolutely... All I really got to do with my ex was scruffle his head every so often. Touching his face was RIGHT OUT. Very, very different ways of expressing love, and it did feel like a rejection. Not the only reason for the dissolution of our marriage, but once the disconnect got to be too large, that really didn't help.

And now I get to DO the touching as well as BE touched. Absolutely love it. :)
 
I am, and always have been a kinesthetic hoar.

meeeee tooooo :)
(I'm also very kinesthetic, but I have high synesthesia)

... but my touch and expression being loved, accepted and even sought out is absolute bliss to me.
...
I guess, for me anyway, to touch means more than being touched back, though I really do like that too.

I was so surprised to learn that about me too! It's the being able to touch. I like to be touched, but I'm often satisfied easily and then I need to breathe or move or whatever. It's about that he always leans into my touch for more that is so very satisfying to me.

I can just put feet my in his lap and get an absent-minded rub (which is so much more awesome than many folk's intentional rubs) without even asking. He likes to fiddle with his hands, and it matters not if it's a toy or my feet. ! :D
 
hi all,

I was reading on another thread that opalescent's partner had to learn that touching as much as she wanted was sometimes irritating. And it hits home. Hard.

So, I'm wondering about anyone else's experiences with mis-matching desires for touch? Do you think relationships can go long when it's mismatched?

One of my partners, I asked him 'do you know I love you?' 'yes' 'how?' 'because you touch me' (that was long before I knew about the love languages)

The other one only wants touch when he wants it, and then only briefly. He's good for a pat, or a few strokes of his hair (he has gorgeous hair), and then he's done. When we were mono, it became very painful for me. I am more able to tolerate it now, and I'm able to touch him less. In part, because I know I can fulfill all that with the other, who leans into any touch; even in his sleep.

I was with a man who was finicky about touch. Most of the time he was fine and generous with it; but there were times when he didn't want to be touched. I knew he wasn't rejecting me (often it was more that he had spells of feeling overstimulated), but I always felt I had to read his mood to determine if it was okay for me to touch him. Still we were together until he died.

Then I met a man who was just as prone to touch as I am. Enjoys giving touch and being touched ~ 24/7 Oh my, what a difference. Simply speaking it was one of the most fulfilling relationships I've ever experienced (didn't hurt that our minds melded equally well).

(Sadly, that was a triadic situation in which after full commitment to the triad, his wife changed her mind and we are no longer together. Unfortunately, his wife often tends to reject being touched, so he's back in the boat he was before he met me.)

I now know that any relationship I have in the future will need to have this component in full.
 
touch is theessential component of love. I cant imagine myself sitting next to my love without our bodies touching each other , at least our hands will be on each other
 
My s/o loves to touch, so I'm sure if he took the test that would be his main thing, while mine is not. I can go for days without. He's teased me about throwing his arm off me during sleep and all I could counter with was, "Well, you know it's not comfortable for me and all that" because it really isn't. I noticed that with my ex too. It was nice for a little while and then I always had the urge to take his arm off and get comfy.

I think a relationship can go long even if you're mismatched in that sense but it literally takes honest communication and some effort on the parts of everyone involved. I know I have work to do in that respect, because it's important to him. That's how he feels loved. I never want him to feel any other way.
 
I'm a very touchy person, it's my main love language. I don't know what I'd do if someone I was dating didn't like being touched. :eek: I'd feel lonely and rejected. In fact, it might never get to that point at all if I was constantly refused physical contact.
 
I am a very huggy person, and my wife likes some touching. However my GF really likes to be touched. When we sleep together we might as well be tied together all tangled up. If one of us wakes up, you know kinda partially, and we happen to be apart , zap we fall back together.

My wife has a very sensitive scalp and I don't touch her hair much, however my GF really likes to have her hair brushed. Well lo and behold all of a sudden my wife is asking me once in a while to brush her hair ( gently of course ).:)

When my GF and I are together we are touching all the time,her husband (mybf) doesn't do much touch,although he is slowly coming around a bit.
 
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