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Old 10-06-2010, 03:28 PM
notalwaysez notalwaysez is offline
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Default Loss of Impromptu Private Moments

My partner and I have been together under the same roof for 8 years. During that time we have had several good friends that have shared in our life via overnight or several weeks.

In January of this year, we met a wonderful woman (NM) and in August of this year we asked her to join us in a permanent live in relationship. She lives an hour away, so at this time she stays with us about 4 or 5 days a week while we work out combining households.

One of the things I am noticing about myself, is after 3 or 4 days of her being here - I am missing mine and my partner's impromptu private moments and I start emotionally shutting down. I don't like this about me.

During the first part of the year, when NM would stay over - she had her own room, although many nights she stayed with us in our room. When the offer to combine households came to the table - part of something she asked for was to not have separate bedrooms any longer. I guess I didn't really think it through, or think of the what ifs... it seemed like a natural thing to request - and I agreed. Although I did say - separate beds within the same room, simply because 3 in one bed is doable on occasion, it is not a comfortable night's sleep to contend with for the rest of my life.

Anyway, now she is here more and more (sometimes up to 7-9 days in a row). We all care so much for each other, yet - the other night, my partner in bed with me, NM in her own bed - he reached for me in this private intimate way he and I share - and I withdrew, for I knew - it was no longer a private situation. NM was there, in the room.

We have all spoken about these type of scenarios arising and how they "might" be handled. NM suggested that we simply ask her to leave the room for a while. To me, that is just too weird - impromptu is all about the moment. I have suggested, that I would prefer a private room all my own (btw - we do have the necessary rooms available within the home) to which of course, my partner refuses to even consider. I fear (pretty much know) suggesting to NM that she should indeed have her own room, she would be hurt and would probably choose to remain friends, but no longer entertain being with us 24/7.

So that is one scenario. A second scenario that occurred just this past week, was middle of the day, I was in the kitchen and my partner came in and wanted to get it on right there against the kitchen sink. It was a hot moment that could have been awesome - yet.... knowing that NM could have walked in at any time and seen it or heard us, she would have felt left out and not included - due to my concern for her - needless to say, we did not get our freak on in the kitchen. Again - one of those impromptu moments.

Now - does NM and the head of household have their impromptu private moments? - of course they do. And it doesn't bother me at all so why am I so edgy about all of this?

Although I would love for NM to be in our lives for the rest of all of our lives, I really don't want her in my bedroom every night for the rest of my life.

Anyone willing to comment and offer some insight or suggestions to help me figure this out?
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Old 10-06-2010, 05:03 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Posts: 2,872

While being impromptu is nice, it can't always happen. You may have to change how this looks to you. Maybe a surprise date for just the two of you. You might have to give up on never having the ability to be spontaneous at home and just schedule time.

Maybe you need to talk to NM and ask her to randomly surprise you with time. That type of thing

This really isn't much different than having roomates. Its just the way things have to be. My wife and I live with a close friend and we battle with this constantly. We have to get creative sometimes.
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Old 10-06-2010, 05:18 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Personally, it is no worse than having a child. Billions of people have done it successfully, and (hopefully) billions will contine to do it for many many years to come. I think you just need to be ok with getting your "freak on", and if you get caught, then you get caught. Invite her to join or not. If not, politely say something like "Oh, sorry. We were just leaving. See you in a little while.". At least, this is how I would handle the situation if one of my kids walked in on my wife and I. (We have two kids. 18 and 13. We've been interupted a few times.)
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Old 10-06-2010, 07:11 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Living together

Yea - living together requires a lot of forethought and space. Benn there- done that - probably will again but wiser now.

What we've learned - and kind of formed requirements around....

1> Everyone needs to have their own private space regardless of how close you are. This is not a bad idea even for two people ! That private space is pretty much 'off limits' to anyone else unless it's an emergency or via invitation.

2> If anyway possible, create equivalent 'public' space, but in order for even this to work, you have to communicate solidly about what expectations are to be met - be it cleanliness, activities etc.

3> Private baths are also almost a must have. It's amazing how silly little things can annoy someone else and cause problems. i.e. a stray hair left behind etc

4> Sex needs to have space for that spontaneity you speak of and everyone has to understand that. A little common respect and decency goes a long way. If two have it going already, any third should expect an invitation to join and NOT take it personally if that invitation doesn't come. As you've discovered, those special moments just show up unannounced and everyone should have no desire to change them ! It's different when you all start together but coming late to the party needs to have a penalty

Out of time.............maybe more later.

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Old 10-07-2010, 06:59 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I think I would get to the bottom of why she has a need to be in the same room and see if there is another way she can get her needs met and move her out of your room. Why can you not all have your own rooms and schedule time each week in different dynamics... two of you, then the other two, all of you... even in bed for a short time and then everyone out for the rest of the night... all this would take trying and negotiating until a balance is reached.

I agree with the spontaneity thing. You have been fortunate enough to be able to enjoy that at all! Roommate, kids... all equal no spontaneity. Maybe you need to negotiate an empty house with only you and your love at home sometimes.
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Old 10-07-2010, 07:48 AM
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geminigirl geminigirl is offline
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Location: Victoria, BC
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Wow, so many options here for different yet exciting dynamics.. it all depends on the people involved and what you each want as individuals.

I admit I'm sort of curious about why your other partner is ok with sleeping in a separate bed in your room.. is it because she enjoys watching you both? Could you incorporate that in your dynamic somehow when she's there so that you can still enjoy an intimate moment with your longer-term partner but have her present?

Poly sex can often involve a juggling of perceptions and expectations, but so long as everyone is feeling happy about it, there is no reason not to do something. It sounds like you still have a few days a week without her there, so you DO still have time to be completely private... what about including her to a limited extent (if that is what she wants and is happy with) in your intimate moments?

Just a thought (from someone who has been there).
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Old 10-07-2010, 11:39 AM
notalwaysez notalwaysez is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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Thanks to everyone that responded. Definitely some good advice and I know I have to work on myself a little more especially since NM will eventually be with us 24/7.

In regard to her request to being in our room. She openly said it is about her insecurity to have "her" room, while "we" have our room. And we did talk about this in great depth. NM said, she completely understands and respects our relationship. She also said it is the security of, if needing to get up in the middle of the night - having the ability to see us there alseep, to know we really are there, or to gently stroke a leg while she heads to the bathroom or whatever - again, it is all about security for her.

What actually makes me chuckle a little, is that we do indeed have a very large, beautiful home - with four bedrooms, each one being their own individual Master suites/private bath/dressing areas, etc (and it will be just the three of us). Yet we are all being stuffed into one room. LOL.

I know that as we progress forward, there are going to be some bumps - but in my heart, I know the happiness and fun of all of us living and working and making a home together will far out weigh those times we have a way of life hiccup.

Again, thank you.
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:36 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,217

Four master bedroom suites?

I think the solution is obvious.

You each get your own suite, and the fourth suite belongs to the three of you collectively. You are so fortunate to have the facilities to be able to do this. What are you waiting for?
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Old 10-07-2010, 03:34 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Posts: 2,872

it really doesn't sound like you have a problem. Sounds like you just need to organize the house a bit hahaha
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Old 10-07-2010, 07:20 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Location: Oregon, USA
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I had the exact same thought as Neon. One suite each, with your personal belongings there, and your personal space, and the ability to be alone or invite whoever you want into it (well, you'll make your own rules and decide). And a shared space that is for all of you.
That sounds like my ideal place and configuration, I'm not sure why you're all sharing one room when you could all have your own personal space!
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