On coming out, and false friends

My Facebook will largely be a Poly-free zone for the forseeable future... our families are pretty conservative and while we know exactly who won't understand, working out who would is a bit more difficult... my LJ and certain trusted fora with private areas will probably be fair game though.
 
WWWwooooooowwwwww! Ok, so today my wife came out to her mom completely. Her mom was ok with it! In fact, her mom said that she and my farther in law were in a relationship with another couple during the 70's. :eek: WHAT!!!!! Her mom noticed that L had stopped talking about S & D as much, and that she (L) sounded a little upset, and so asked her flat out if we (L and myself) had broken up with S&D. my wife said that we had, but that wasn't the reason for her being upset. She told her it was because of a new person in our lives, and myself, not exactly working out ideally. L told her mom that she (L) was seeing a guy and that he was a different race. (i.e. not white) Her mom said "Honey, I don't care if he's black, white, asian, or alien. As long as you're happy.". Wow....I never expected that! LOL So there you have it...The people who matter to us the most, are mainly ok with it....The ones who matter less to us, have issues. Interesting.
 
WWWwooooooowwwwww! Ok, so today my wife came out to her mom completely. Her mom was ok with it! In fact, her mom said that she and my farther in law were in a relationship with another couple during the 70's. :eek: WHAT!!!!! Her mom noticed that L had stopped talking about S & D as much, and that she (L) sounded a little upset, and so asked her flat out if we (L and myself) had broken up with S&D. my wife said that we had, but that wasn't the reason for her being upset. She told her it was because of a new person in our lives, and myself, not exactly working out ideally. L told her mom that she (L) was seeing a guy and that he was a different race. (i.e. not white) Her mom said "Honey, I don't care if he's black, white, asian, or alien. As long as you're happy.". Wow....I never expected that! LOL So there you have it...The people who matter to us the most, are mainly ok with it....The ones who matter less to us, have issues. Interesting.

Mind completely blown! That is awesome!
I am nowhere near being able to tell my family about it and likely never will. Just trying to share less controversial info with my mother is hard enough when she thinks anyone who isn't a fundamental baptist and conservative republican is a deviant and/or compulsive liar.
 
WWWwooooooowwwwww! Ok, so today my wife came out to her mom completely. Her mom was ok with it! In fact, her mom said that she and my farther in law were in a relationship with another couple during the 70's. :eek: WHAT!!!!! Her mom noticed that L had stopped talking about S & D as much, and that she (L) sounded a little upset, and so asked her flat out if we (L and myself) had broken up with S&D. my wife said that we had, but that wasn't the reason for her being upset. She told her it was because of a new person in our lives, and myself, not exactly working out ideally. L told her mom that she (L) was seeing a guy and that he was a different race. (i.e. not white) Her mom said "Honey, I don't care if he's black, white, asian, or alien. As long as you're happy.". Wow....I never expected that! LOL So there you have it...The people who matter to us the most, are mainly ok with it....The ones who matter less to us, have issues. Interesting.

That's awesome to hear. When I told my mother (my wife was on the phone at the same time), she just repeated over and over that "open relationships don't work." Almost as if repeating a Mantra. It was quite funny actually. I quietly said "don't work as compared to what? All those excellent monogamous relationships in our family & extended family... of which I can name only one? 'Cause if that's working, at least my failure will be a ton more interesting!"

Months later when she was in town (actually only a couple of weeks ago), we sat at the edge of the lake and talked about everything. She managed to say at this point, that if you can make it work more power to you.

I'm out to a few friends and my sister. Slowly expanding that circle but feel no need to push it out to everyone. Though I have thought about posting it on facebook. Any facebook friend of mine paying close attention probably already knows because The Ethical Slut is in my book list, as well as certain info in my blog alludes to polyamory.
 
Many of our friends guessed that we were poly before we came out. Some were shocked but supportive. We haven't actually lost anyone, I don't think. But I'm actually sad right now because it appears that someone who we thought was supportive actually feels very negatively about our choice to be poly. So, I feel your dilemna.

Our group policy was, just act like you're not doing anything wrong. Don't make a big deal about it and enjoy life as it comes. We haven't had any big announcements, except when I just can't stand the suspense of not knowing if a certain person knows and I spill the beans. I'm not a good secret keeper.

No way I would ever tell my mom, or my family. My mom knows about poly from other friends of ours, and disapproves heartily. But she recently shocked me by revealing that she knows I'm Pagan and she didn't have a heart attack, so who knows? We do quietly insist to family and friends that Asha and Sunday and their children are important people in our lives and they're not going away.
 
TL4everu2, I teared up I was so happy to read that! I could feel your excitement in the post, ha ha. :) Yay for you!

We're just waiting to tell family until Joshua is done with his deployment/military. I am not sure how it will go or how we'll bring it up, but that's a ways off yet for us.

Lemondrop said:
Our group policy was, just act like you're not doing anything wrong. Don't make a big deal about it and enjoy life as it comes.
Good advice!
 
TL4everu2, I'm so happy to hear that story! As Chuck Berry sang, "C'est la vie, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell"!

B came out to her sister today about us...her sister said "Uh, I guess Hallmark doesn't make a card for that, but congratulations!" One day way in the future I might come out to my sister too, but probably not until after my father goes on :( Unfortunately my wife will probably be able to come out to her sister soon after hell freezes over, maybe not even then :(
 
Why are people who are usually tolerant on sexual minorities so anti-poly? You have to realize on this board I'm talking about, if you aren't a supporter of gay marriage, you're all but a pariah, so it's not as if this is some hotbed of social conservatism...and yet the level of anti-polyamory is fairly high.

In a word, the answer is ... Oprah.

It's all Oprah's fault. If Oprah Winfrey had had several good programs meant to educate the public about what polyamory is and why it's just as okay as being gay, we'd be sitting in the shade sipping lemonade.

More seriously, I think the problem is that polyamory is misunderstood. It's misunderstood largely because it is so marginalized that it's little talked about by people who can represent us accurately and compassionately / sympathetically. It's little talked about because it's largely invisible; and it's largely invisible because too many of us poly folk prefer to live in the closet ... because coming out sucks, because we're so "alone", because we're invisible.

Wash, rince, repeat.
 
If we were smart -- SERIOUSLY -- there'd be a topic in this forum on The Great Oprah-Poly Letter Writing Campaign. It'd involve getting the world out to the entire global poly community..., We'd all send Oprah a letter on The Poly Closet and how she could help us all break out of it.

All the letters should be sent on the same day, or week, so it floods her with 'em.

SERIOUSLY
 
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I came out to two of my coworkers yesterday and I have to say that the best work to sum it up, besides surprise, was curiosity. I told them about compersion, how couples will set rules to differentiate it from cheating, about being open with each other's partners in general terms, as well as telling them about Tonberry having a boyfriend (one of the coworkers is Tonberry's friend, she was the one taken most by surprise). For all that yesterday was otherwise not fun for me, it felt good to have that off my chest and now I can be open with the two of the people I feel closest to at work. There is a third person I would consider telling, but she doesn't realise just how big a gossip she is with her tendency to let things slip, and she personally knows the one person in the world I will never come out to, namely my grandma.
 
I got a theory.

I'm pretty sure many of us have met this person before even when in a mono relationship; they are the person who either made "friends" with our SO, or was the last man standing of their social circle to get a girlfriend. Whatever the disguise, they scoured for reasons to drive a wedge between you and the person you had a relationship with. In their mind, for you to be someone serious to your SO, you needed X, Y, or Z qualities and you were lacking in their eyes.

Knowing there will always be people who judge how sound a relationship is and can't keep themselves from passive -aggressively broadcasting it, maybe poly folks hesitate to let others know because of the drama fallout it can elicit from others? If you're already trying to manage the needs and feelings of the people you are romantically involved with - who needs to have to manage the opinions and feelings of "outsiders"?

Sure, we could all come out hollering and maybe we wouldn't seem so odd for the previously unknown numbers becoming known, but at what cost and to the betterment of whom?
 
Sure, we could all come out hollering and maybe we wouldn't seem so odd for the previously unknown numbers becoming known, but at what cost and to the betterment of whom?

this is my question now in life. Who would benefit. usually it's me, so therefore I leave people alone with it. Pretty much everyone knows there is either something going on or knows what is going on... but really, other than my co-workers, I really kinda wish sometimes that I didn't say anything... really its a lot of work to keep them working on their shit around it and oft times I really don't have the energy or time to bother... if they never knew then they and I could go about our merry way together.

I dunno, maybe I'm just tired and burnt out today.
 
We're not telling our families, we hardly tell them anything anyway. They're bigoted, hurtful, manipulative and have lost their right to be any major part of our lives.

In our circle of vegan friends (who are our closest & most trusted friends too) the fact that we're open/poly/non-possessive/whatever came out yesterday. No drama, they were of the opinion that as long as it's honest & everyone involved is happy, who cares?

:) :)
 
I am considering telling my dad soon, as he would be the most accepting out of any of our family, IMO. He's supported me through a LOT and I can't see this being any "worse" than anything else to him. :D I guess we'll see if I go through with it...
 
I made the mistake about a month ago of telling a friend because he knew something was up. After telling me I was insane and should "divorce the bitch" he then avoided me for 3 weeks. He has only just started talking to me again but we don't mention my marriage.
My wife has told one person this week (last night in fact) who thought it was great and wants to meet all of us.
 
I'm sorry your friend was so negative, Vodkafan. :( I had a friend freak out and put down my marriage, too. It took a little bit for them to talk to me at all and are just now okay talking about my relationship with M and not just with my husband. He still doesn't fully understand poly, though, and associates us with swingers... It's a long process to get everyone on the same page, I'm learning.
 
Just wanted to say I told my dad today and he was supportive. :) I teared up, which was dumb, but I always worry about disappointing him (I don't think I ever could, but he's one of my best friends and means a lot to me). So we're good. :D
 
Just came out to a couple more friends last night. One kinda knew, and his gf said "OMG! I would have figured T to do something like that, but not YOU L!". LOL She was SHOCKED. Oddly enough, the club we went to with them, is...."friendly". ;) They frequent that club, but claim they are mono. :rolleyes: Anyway, they both thought L and I were "swingers", and wanted to know the diff between "swingers", and "poly's". So we told them OUR version of whats different. They were a bit shocked, to say the least, but theyt are friends, and don't care about it. We also asked them to our "re-do of our vows" on July 2nd. They said they wouldn't miss it, but wanted to know why we said "re-do", and not "re-new". We explained that we wanted to write our OWN vows to reflect the people we have become, and our lives today....as opposed to traditional vows which were written by some clergyman over a hubdred years ago, representing some couple that I have never met before.
 
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