What does a mono husband do about his daughter's discovery of her mothers poly?

Status
Not open for further replies.
nycindie...hi

I have absolutely no idea who joel and hedda are or their story but this was consensual. What does nervous break down mean?? Perhaps I'm having one right now .....kidding.:)

I was suppose to call her back and talk to her however I've been putting it off didn't feel like put himself through that.

To clarify I knew nothing of this. Never was told of any of this.

Why should I stop calling her those names....after all the time, money, energy, I should have more of a right to use that language. They or rather he ...(and she allowed) to be called those names repeatedly or to use those crude terms describe her body parts in emails and with markers on her body. That's the reason I didn't call....I really want to know if she would enjoy me calling her those names....by the way I only listed the ones I could remember there are more.

Photo's not staged... emails not staged....pretty sure.

And yes I have appointment for therapy for myself and I hope it will help.

Compassion for my kids ...Yes... but I'm not at a place yet to extend any compassion to them. Their behavior since the melt down has been less....way fucking less then impressive. Some responsibility for this might go a long way. They can do what ever they want then and now I get to do the fucking clean up and in addition I'm suppose to be kind and compassionate, reasonable. ....REALLY.

I promise nothing I do will impact my children in a negative way. my left hand was up the entire time I typed it......I'm right handed

Thanks D
 
Just so you know, while you might not be used to seeing photos like hers, they are not uncommon for those in a BDSM lifestyle. If you have ever looked at Fetlife you will see photos like hers. They are drama and release for some people. Who knows where she came from when having them taken. For some there is a sense of pride. It might be that she had no choice.

I said in an earlier post, it could be that she is owned by him as a slave. He could be her master and she could take that very seriously. You need to find out if this is manipulative abuse, or her choice before nailing her to the cross I think.
 
Carma

Are you sure...I wont feel better ...I'm thinking maybe just a little.

unfortunately they have indeed made it about me in there emails. Trust me I have perspective.


Wow never thought of my wedding vows... No I didn't take the name calling out of context I have the context. lets all be clear I have yet to call her any of those things yet. I plan to.... but I haven't yet.

And yes it may make me feel better....maybe not but I will to risk it. Less risk than some stuff I can think of.
 
Might I ask (of dinged on behalf of everyone).

It's been MY impression that this is a venting place for Dinged. If that is the case, he has chosen a very reasonable, rational method for dealing with his high-strung (to be expected) emotions in a way that is not damaging to his children...


I grant that he sounds furious (as would I be) but to assume that he's acting it out is a whole other thing....


Having the professionals do their job in investigating every avenue so that they can ensure the best method to help the children... well that isn't vindictive, that ball was set rolling when he said "help, my daughter isn't ok"......

Dinged, am I mistaken in this observation?

I think that a lot of the "OMG what are you going to do you sound so pissed" reactions are based on the belief that what you are venting here, is what is coming out throughout the day, but that isn't my impression...........
 
RP

You could be right but if it is a sense of pride why hide 200 miles away a let others clean up the mess.

Not trying to be funny but she has already been nailed while be nailed to a cross. Tied actually.

thanks D
 
To clarify I knew nothing of this. Never was told of any of this.

I meant that you knew she was having a relationship with him. You had met him and were trying to accept it and be poly for her. Lots of poly couples don't know what their partner is doing with their other partners. But my point was that he could say (as a defense) you always knew they were carrying on.

Joel Steinberg and Hedda Nussbaum:
A Love Betrayed, a Brief Life Lost
Hedda Nussbaum at Wikipedia

I do hope LR is correct and that you are using this site as a healthy way to vent. But I also agree with Carma that your rage about this is scary. At least it does scare me. Please be careful.
 
Last edited:
I mentioned earlier that it might be worth clarifying if this is a place to vent for you dinged... I fully support that if it is. It's so important to have a place to vent and wlak yourself through what has happened and what you think you should do about it... I too would like to know if that is what this thread means to you... clarification?

Sorry, I laughed outloud at "asswhore." :D inapproporiate? I dunno, I thought it funny rather than scary, I would love to know if that is misplaced though, because it could easily be taken as scary also!
 
Bella
thank you ....it may end up happening that way.


Redpepper

As to the slave thing....what difference should that make to me. If that's true somebody owes me a check???? Last I checked she was using my name....I don't remember a transfer of ownership?? At the very least I've been housing, feeding, clothing "his " slave . What is the general day rate for a Slave ??? Is it better from a psychological point of view of the slave to have a high value or a low value because lets not forget were talking about a slave who is repeatedly told her status (fucktoy asswhore fuckpig) worthless or worth very little as a human. ?????

YES I'm Angry on many levels .....What I've said that is scary I'm not sure I understand. All the terms I used in reference to my wife were used by her in response in most cases to her "bf"/owner . I could give you an example of their very enlightening dialog if anyone needs clarification or understanding.

I must admit fuck boy was my invention.....condescending sure ...scary??? I don't think so.

NYcindie

Yes you are correct about the relationship...I understand.
After going on the link you provided and seeing her photo I did remember her beat up face being on the cover of People mag. Never really read about it at the time....or even today...if it becomes an issue I will. Thank you for the resource


New twist to the story....got a call few minutes ago from my new cop friend telling me fuck boy had unpleasant experience at a local night club back in Nov. Apparent his wife was out with girl friends and was dancing with some guy and he got up set. Had words with the guy ...it got a little physical he got thrown out.... started man handling wife...bouncer flagged the cops.... they step in to cool things down. They left in separate cars. No arrest. I bet Cumslut took a pretty good beating over that one.....I bet she didn't even know...poor dumb slave.

My daughter was getting the mail Sat and came in the house and said what are we going to do with her mail? Then held up a piece and said I wonder what they'd think. My wife sits on 2 charity boards....one is the women s shelter...which had sent something related to an upcoming event...I opened it to see if it was something she would or should respond right away. I told her that was a great question and all her questions that I can't answer should be written down and presented to her mom and or therapist.

Bought the family an Ipad that same day. My new tech friend was helping set it up and asked if we wanted this email app...to merge all email accounts ...my daughter and I answer at the exact same time with about the same intensity NO . Then she looked at me with a smile....knowing we were on the same page. What cool device...I personally will have very little time with it ..... no major fights yet.

Sun talked to sister in law for update....not getting better might be getting worse. Was reluctant to answer any questions of fuck boys recent involvement....might have a distorted view of situation. I couldn't talk freely on my end so I let it go. I think she needs to see everything I have now accumulated. Grandma has been extremely quiet lately... how strange..

Thanks D
 
Redpepper

As to the slave thing....what difference should that make to me. If that's true somebody owes me a check???? Last I checked she was using my name....I don't remember a transfer of ownership??

Dinged, I know that part of your hurt and anger over all this is not having a good working understanding of BDSM.

As her husband, of course, you do not own your wife. That kind of thing went out in early 20th century, when women got the vote.

Being a slave in a BDSM sense is not like enforced slavery. It's a consensual agreement made between 2 adults for personal growth and, usually, sexual satisfaction. Presently my gf of 2 years has been accepted as a domestic slave by her bf and his gf. They all find this arrangement fulfilling for a variety of personal psychological reasons. My gf and I are still very happy together, and I am glad they give her something (power exchange) I have little to no interest in providing.

At the very least I've been housing, feeding, clothing "his " slave . What is the general day rate for a Slave ??? Is it better from a psychological point of view of the slave to have a high value or a low value because lets not forget were talking about a slave who is repeatedly told her status (fucktoy asswhore fuckpig) worthless or worth very little as a human. ?????

Having those kinds of words written on one's body during a sexual scene, or having them whispered to one during sex, can be releasing and sexually stimulating. Heck, my gf has written "[Her name's] Slut" and other words on my body from time to time. When a sub gets into "subspace" while being dominated in some way, it can be very erotic and even cathartic. As part of your healing around all this, you might want to read some websites or books on modern BDSM, just to see your wife may well not have been harmed by this kind of treatment, but actually pleased and comforted.

I recommend Radical Ecstasy for starters.

http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Ecstasy-SM-Journeys-Transcendence/dp/189015962X
 
Please don't let your anger at your wife lead to you disparage the lifestyles and practices of the many nice people here who practice or dabble in BDSM yet are full of sympathy for you and have a profound distaste for the way you have been treated and the thoughtless manner in which your wife has handled herself.
 
Hi, Dinged.

I very, very seldomly post here (more often than not, I just don't have anything to add that hasn't been said), but I have been reading and keeping up with your situation.

First of all, I want to offer some HUGE sympathy for you and your daughter; what an awful thing for a kid to see, and read, about her mother, and what a horrid thing for you to experience.

Secondly, I want to not -quite- echo what's been said about having some understanding for your wife. Where my thoughts differ from what's been said here is, I think it'd be better said for you to have sympathy for a BDSM (especially submissive) mindset - but not necessarily for your wife. Think about what she's going through and have sympathy for her, yes (I'll get to that later), but not for what she's done.

I'm not saying she shouldn't have played as a sub for her bf. BDSM really can be great. I love it. But she did a lot of things, knowingly and also unintentionally carelessly, quite wrong to you and her family. First and foremost in that is the lying. She hasn't been honest or straightforward with you through any of this, and considering that you have been trying, AFTER HER AFFAIR, to be comfortable with her being polyamorous, withholding truth from you is unnecessarily cruel. The lying and the cheating are serious and grave offenses. The texts and emails behind your back, when she was supposed to be enjoying family time, also were just ugly and inappropriate. Then you also mentioned that she'd been using your money for physical therapy for helping her recover from playing with the bf, and not telling you that she needed the physical therapy because of the wild sex she'd had. That seems pretty wrong to me. If they played hard enough that she required physical therapy, it should be her or his money going into her recovery, not yours. (I'm not sure my opinion of using someone that hard, either, so I'll keep my mouth shut there.) For a simple example, I don't ask a significant other to buy condoms for me to use with another lover, I buy my own damn condoms. Make sense? But take it a step further - she used your money for physical therapy AND misled you as to why she needed it. There seems to be a pathological lot of lying going on. But the biggest thing that was done was the HUGE negligence in allowing access - unintentionally, intentionally, doesn't matter at all - to her daughter (or son! *It could have been him who used the computer next) pornographic images and text. NO KID should EVER be exposed to naked pics of Mommy or Daddy, let alone images depicting sex acts that they might not understand.

What I'm trying to get at is, it was okay for your wife to play sub to the bf, and have dirty things written on and said to her (though, I would go so far as to say it was wrong for her not to disclose the nature of the relationship). It was NOT okay for her to lie, cheat, mislead, and use you. It was wrong of her to use scheduled family time as part of her sexual playtime with the bf. And it was SERIOUSLY wrong to expose her kids to the material in question. I don't think she deserves any sympathy for what she's done. She's been horrifically and hopelessly selfish in ways I can't even conceive of being. And I'm no saint, that's for sure.

Now, where I DO think she needs some sympathy and understanding (I said I'd get to it).... Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. She has made some BIG, FAT, HORRIBLE, DAMNING mistakes. She is probably only now coming to understand fully what she's done. She has probably ruined her marriage, she has hurt her husband deeply and irrevocably, she has caused actual harm to her daughter through very stupid and avoidable negligence, she has caused irreparable damage to her relationship with her own daughter.... She's probably feeling despondant. Maybe suicidally depressed (I know I would be, if I'd fucked up that badly). For this, I think she could need some sympathy and understanding. Not understanding for what she's done, but understanding for how she's feeling. It's got to be impossibly horrific for her. Try to keep that in mind. Someone that ruinously depressed wouldn't take much to tip right over the edge. Be careful what you say to her. Be careful how you say it. Sure, her daughter's pissed, but don't push toward a suicide, here. Some day your little girl's gonna want her Mommy again.
 
Last edited:
I agree with Viable Alternative, and have done so while reading the entire thread. Here's the tl;dr -

It is NOT wrong for your wife to be a slave/submissive in a relationship.

It IS wrong for her to carelessly/accidentally/on-purpose create a situation where your daughter gets to see evidence of her parent(s') sex acts. The same could be said if you decided to whack off to porn in the bathroom without closing/locking the door and your daughter walked in on you.

It IS wrong for your wife to lie about all these things.

It IS wrong for your wife to be putting her kinky sex life before the well being of her family.

I hope you are able to distinguish between the real issues and the red-herrings. This sounds like a lot of no-fun for you and your children.
 
magdlyn

The pain is mostly centered around how this has effected my daughter. Every night an hr or so after she has gone to bed she comes to find me crying and asking why this or why that. It's not that I don't have a good work knowledge I have no working knowledge. I have no idea what was whispered,I do know what was emailed in the ritualistic and mind controlling manner. As I said I could give examples.... That aside what would you tell you 12 yr daughter or your grown mother if you were the subject of this. I think I asked you similar questions when this first started.... I do appreciate your prospective.

At this time I really don't feel like researching further as to finding understanding because I haven't seen any actions by either of them to help in the clean up or trying to understand the damage they may have caused. Or presenting their position as to give me and family a understand of bdsm.
I assume she got something out of doing it/being apart of it.

Penny

I hope I haven't disparaged you or anyone here. Don't really care about fuckboy and cumslut as far as disparaging goes.

Got to go but look forward to further comments. D
 
magdlyn

The pain is mostly centered around how this has effected my daughter. Every night an hr or so after she has gone to bed she comes to find me crying and asking why this or why that.

Sure puts you in an awkward and uncomfortable position.

It's not that I don't have a good work knowledge I have no working knowledge. I have no idea what was whispered,I do know what was emailed in the ritualistic and mind controlling manner. As I said I could give examples.... That aside what would you tell you 12 yr daughter or your grown mother if you were the subject of this. I think I asked you similar questions when this first started.... I do appreciate your prospective.

Well, frankly, I wouldn't tell my mother or my MIL about anything other than that I found photographic evidence and emails that showed my wife was cheating. What she and her bf actually did in the bedroom is not their business.

At this time I really don't feel like researching further as to finding understanding because I haven't seen any actions by either of them to help in the clean up or trying to understand the damage they may have caused. Or presenting their position as to give me and family a understand of bdsm.
I assume she got something out of doing it/being apart of it.

Well, this is a tough one for sure. I don't think you should focus on tit for tat. I don't think it's your wife's bf who should be giving your 12 yr old child sex ed at this point! Surely you'd agree. And your wife is in the midst of a nervous breakdown... she's incapable of it now. Plus, it is my understanding she and your daughter aren't on speaking terms right now either.

So, that leaves you. If you and your daughter have never had any sex ed type talks, now is the time. She needs to know no one was hurting her mom against her will. Heck, some kids that might accidentally walk in on their parents having vanilla sex might wonder, "Why is Daddy hurting Mommy?" when they hear all her moans and groans.

Personally, I got an early education on kink when finding my dad's Playboy magazines (back in the late '60's, pre-internet) and a copy of a de Sade book and an old book called Fanny Hill, when I was about your daughter's age. Your daughter may have seen BDSM porn on the 'net already... it's everywhere.

What exactly does your daughter ask you?
 
Similarly, if I was approached by this hypothetical child of mine with a question about BDSM, I’d probably discuss it in terms of power dynamics. Since power is the fundamental property of BDSM sexuality, it also strikes me as a particularly good segue into a discussion of self-empowerment. Perhaps, “Just as different people love people with different bodies, different people love others with different wants. Sometimes, as part of specific kinds of games, people find it fun to play by rules where one person gets to make decisions and the other person, only if they agree to it, will follow the rules.
I did a bit of a search for you... this quote was from this site http://maybemaimed.com/2010/01/31/on-talking-to-children-and-adolescents-about-bdsm-and-sex/ ... thought is was useful and made me consider how to explain to my own child if it ever comes up.
 
I don't know if you have children? But you are grossly understating it. "saw something she shouldn't and now she's upset"..... Upset can't really be used in this. My mother died recently and they were close and yes she was upset. This is factors bigger (X). It has been suggested that it would have been less traumatic if my wife had died in some accident or the loss of another family member.
I do have kids, although not yet at that age. I appreciate your willingness to listen, and I understand even if you don't want to use anything I say, it'll at least be here for the next guy too.

I do have a gift for understatement, but that notwithstanding, I think a huge portion of the possible damage to the kids isn't merely from the act, but in how the adults around the kids react to it.
I don't care if they're 13 or 30, if you panic, your people will panic with you. There's a lot of condemnation of inappropriate pictures being shown to the kids, and I won't suggest that negligence would be an excuse, but it's only half the equation. The other half is what happens after.
I don't know who is suggesting that a death would be a better or less traumatic alternative, but it sounds to me like someone who's more afraid of sex than they are of death.

A lot of the damage could be mitigated...with actions like not acting as if they've been horrifically damaged by this exposure to alternative sexuality. Kids are excellent at believing what they're told...so what message will the get from, "You poor thing, you must be so traumatized!" as opposed to "That sucks, but you'll live, so how to we work through this as a family?".


I'm continually surprise by the comments thinking I could destroy my kids lives....how ...in what way... I'm still functioning at work. At home ... Make the meals... help with homework, get them to there things appointments.

Sure, her daughter's pissed, but don't push toward a suicide, here. Some day your little girl's gonna want her Mommy again.
So glad VA decided to post. This is one possible scenario that I could foresee if you're thinking with a angry heart, and not with a clear head.
 
Imaginary Illusion and Viable Alternative... you really nailed it. I've been following this thread since the discovery of the photos and haven't chimed in on the main matters involved because I hadn't pulled together my thoughts in an articulate manner. Now all I can really add is my +1.

+1 most sincerely to your recent posts. You've voiced my own thoughts and concerns better than I could have, and added insight I hadn't achieved.

I am wondering if dingedheart's wife was going through sub frenzy. It is my understanding that some submissives, particularly when first encountering BDSM, can become so overwhelmed by the experience that they begin to engage in dangerous and irrational behavior seeking more.

It is a topic I know very little about, though a submissive friend of mine subjected herself to an abusive D/s relationship for a time and is still dealing with remorse and self-loathing as a result. She left this relationship shortly before we became confidants and confesses that she finds her own behavior impossible to explain, like being seized by madness.

I have only dabbled lightly in D/s and so broach the topic in hopes that those more knowledgeable than I might comment on it. The submissive headspace is powerful and euphoric. I know that endorphins are released, and that a submissive is vulnerable to deep psychological triggers that he or she might not know existed within them.

Does anyone here have any experience with sub frenzy? Does it really exist? Does it seem a rational explanation for some of dingedheart's wife's irrational and destructive behavior?

I am not remotely trying to excuse dingedheart's wife's behavior, which has violated both the principles of polyamory as I've come to understand them and the principles of safe, sane BDSM that I have seen outlined in other venues.
 
Does anyone here have any experience with sub frenzy? Does it really exist? Does it seem a rational explanation for some of dingedheart's wife's irrational and destructive behavior?

It's similar to NRE, which is similar to opiates in the way it acts on the brain. You're not thinking rationally when you are under the influence. If your drug-of-choice is suddenly taken away, you go into withdrawal.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top