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  #21  
Old 06-30-2017, 04:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad it helped you some.

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Do you really think I can't have a good mono marriage after this realization? I don't know that I will act out or be depressed, but I might. This is a conversation to have with my husband for sure. It's' going on the list.
I'm not sure. If you are out there dating who you want, it isn't a monogamous marriage any more. It's Open marriage. So no. You cannot have a monogamous marriage if you are also dating.

If you mean you want to be in a Closed marriage, where it is just you and husband. And husband is Open enough for you -- like willing to listen and talk about your poly thoughts and feelings without wigging out or it being a big thing? And you are Closed enough for him -- no dating other people? Maybe that's a place to come to compromise because you don't feel bottled up inside or like you cannot breathe.

If you mean a marriage where you cannot express you poly side, husband doesn't want to hear about any of it? It's supposed to be swept under the rug? I don't know if him loving only the "acceptable" parts of you and not being interested in all of you would eventually make it so you grow apart, grow resentful or miserable.

I would hope that if you are in an unsatisfactory situation that at THAT point in time you would consider parting ways rather than choose to stay miserable and start acting out or get depressed or whatever. I mean, that goes for all marriages. Not just ones with poly people in it. If something is going deeply wrong and there's no way to solve it or all the things have been tried already and it is going nowhere... the final thing to try is to stop being together. Part with regrets maybe, but part all the same so the misery stops and the future can hopefully be better.

Quote:
I really like the idea of living authentically within and without. At the end of the day if my husband and I can get to a place of understanding where we are at I could see myself being happy there for a long while. At least we could make best choices about our future.
Then I will hope this for you also. That you and husband can talk and arrive at a place of deeper understanding.

Hopefully you can sort all this anxiety and stuff out so you can breathe easier within and without.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-30-2017 at 08:50 PM.
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  #22  
Old 06-30-2017, 05:21 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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I will read that linked info.
I made peace with it because it just feels like it's not going to happen. I'm very reluctant to think that D and I are going to get to a place of giving poly a real go anytime soon.
Also (and this is a new development) I casually asked J if he had always had mono relationships, lead up to asking him if poly was something he'd ever considered and he said that "it wouldn't be a good fit for me".
From the beginning I'd assumed that any groundwork I do with my husband would just better prepare us for if this pop ups again. With my heart beating the way it does I'm almost certain it will. I wasn't actively looking for J.
So, the goal here is D and I reaching an understanding so that in the future we're better off.
Of course this could all be just a way that I'm protecting myself. Believe the worst and be surprised when things go better.

The new name has become a thing lol I picked the first username bc it was pretty anonymous, letters and numbers but it was annoying me bc it wasn't something pronounceable. I wanted to change it quick so not to confuse anyone I've been talking with and I came up with the one I have now but wish I would've just shortened the one I had. Oh well. I am not gonna bug the admins again. I already feel annoying :P

What's up with the new name ???[/QUOTE]
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  #23  
Old 06-30-2017, 05:25 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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What's up with the new name ???
[/QUOTE]

Also.
I live by the ocean. The beach is a necessity for my sanity.
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  #24  
Old 06-30-2017, 06:58 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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Thank you GalaGirl

Also, I had read Al's story. It came up in a search I had done.
Sorry about the format of my posts. The quote feature looks messed up. I'll get it straight.
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  #25  
Old 07-01-2017, 02:03 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I was thinking Al's story might be beneficial for your husband to read.
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  #26  
Old 07-04-2017, 03:13 AM
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Shaya Shaya is offline
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Don't know if it will help. My wife found the concept of limerence helpful in explaining her recurrent attractions o men over the last 10 years. My wife and I are mono though, so I sometimes tend to have a bias in looking at new romantic love as something that can be dangerous (you know, coz we're mono). If new romantic feelings are okay with everyone, then go enjoy poly. If new romantic feelings are posing serious problems for your day-to-day life or you find yourself losing time because of hours spent fantasizing, then consider looking into limerence, because even if it isn't limerence, it sounds like these feelings are hard for you to handle and some of the theory around managing limerence may still be helpful for you. Maybe. I dunno. Worked for my wife, at least for now. We plan to reassess this in the near future.

Cheers,
Shaya.
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  #27  
Old 07-04-2017, 01:39 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaya View Post
Don't know if it will help. My wife found the concept of limerence helpful in explaining her recurrent attractions o men over the last 10 years.
Cheers,
Shaya.
Are you reading my mind? Just yesterday I read a post on here that mentioned limerence and being unfamiliar with the word I looked it up and read an article that possibly you had linked in another post. Now I will definitely look more into it. The article mentioned love addiction and while that doesn't resonate with me I'd like to learn more.
I still don't quite understand limerence.
I do see that in me strong feelings make me feel an urgency to act. As if they are going to suddenly disappear if I don't DO. I'm making strides to DO less though and simmer more. Enjoy the good feelings, not let them cause anxiety.
It's hard though.
The ways in which I have been doing are involving myself in the forum, reading, self reflecting, talking to my husband. I think those are healthy actions as long as they aren't consuming.
Does that make sense?
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  #28  
Old 07-04-2017, 01:41 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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I posted a separate thread called "How isn't this polyamory? (long read)
I'd be ever so grateful for those helping me out in this thread would take a few moments there.
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  #29  
Old 07-05-2017, 02:30 AM
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Shaya Shaya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BathedInSalt View Post
The article mentioned love addiction and while that doesn't resonate with me I'd like to learn more.
Love addiction is tricky. It's not a real diagnosis in the sense that most psychologists, and the manual of psychology the DSM V, does not include it, though apparently there was a lot of debate about including it in there. On the one hand, there are people in this world who self-identify or have been identified by their counsellors as "love addicts". These would be people who have burned through multiple good relationships in a series of serial monogamy often with affair overlap. They would have left a metaphorical trail of destruction in their wake, including destroying themselves (metaphorically of course). They seem to chase the NRE high, or behave in ways that people may call an NRE junkie. To heal, these people seem to benefit from putting a label on their self-destructive behaviour and that label seems to be "love addict." It seems to help some people to have a label and to call it an addiction.

The reason it isn't included in the manual of psychiatry seems to be a growing reluctance amongst health professionals to medicalise sexual differences between us. After all, gay sex, nymphomania and other so-called 'deviant' sexual acts used to be in the manual of psychiatry and people used to receive treatment for these conditions including electrocution. There seems to be a feeling amongst psychiatrists that wanting to fall in love over and over again until you reach a ripe old age, may not actually be a psychological disorder. It's possible that a rich and successful person can lead a rich and successful life while chasing an NRE high healthily as long as all parties involved are okay with this. It's probably similar to living the single life... all your life. This article explains the problem with "love addiction" as a diagnosis.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BathedInSalt View Post
I still don't quite understand limerence.
Try the forums on limerence.net. There are many personal anecdotes there that my wife found useful. May be less useful for you. You may not identify with limerence, though as i mentioned before, if these romantic feelings are intruding on your life, the theory around management of limerence may be of use even if it's not actually limerence. I dunno.
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  #30  
Old 07-05-2017, 05:10 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Meh... there are people who have steadily used heroin for decades without becoming broken-down addicts.

That doesn't mean heroin use is "healthy."

People who go on endorphin benders, maybe ruining careers & draining retirement accounts, aren't "falling in love" except in the bad-melodrama sense of Romanticism. When they sober up, there's all sorts of tears & abject apology & promises to never "do anything like that" again -- much as any relapsing alcoholic.

Maybe call it a disorder. As a clinician told me, a client can have all the DSM symptoms... but if it's not dragging that person's life down, it's NOT a disorder.

A standard diagnosis might be imperfect, but at least it frames treatment options. Maybe when an NRE junkie feels the beginning of the Big Wave, she can take a pill that'll cap it, allowing her to step back & be a bit more objective.
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