tealheron11
New member
I’m not really sure what I am looking for in terms of advice or feedback in posting this. I just need to air my thoughts and feelings in a safe space. If anyone has ever experienced anything like this, I welcome your perspective!
Brief history is that I am married (let’s call him H). H and I opened up last year around Feb. H met and started dating his current partner about a year ago. Let’s call her G. H and I had been talking about moving from the state we currently live in long before he started dating G and even before we opened up. It had kind of been a long-term plan to re-locate somewhere because we were ready to and because the state we live is expensive. Of course, it depends on jobs and such. h was upfront with g about this from the start. The conversation was revisited several times too.
Over the past year, H and G have gotten really close, which is expected- it’s a romantic relationship. I have generally been okay with this and accepting of their increased intimacy and the time he spends with her. I have had to really check myself and my feelings and reactions, because at times to be it felt like their relationship moved faster than I was ready for or expected- for example? Saying “I love you” or meeting her kids (G is married with kids, we do not have kids). I pretty much took responsibility for my feelings or tried to, and let H know if I felt a boundary had been pushed, and we talked it through. H doesn’t like the idea of there being primaries etc, but it definitely feels like she takes priority over me a lot of the time.
Speed up to now, I got a new job outside this state, and H ang I talked about moving. G knew from the beginning that this was a possibility but she’s really freaking out. I understand her being concerned or scared. But H doesn’t want to end her relationship. In fact, it seems like she and her family were willing to relocate closer to where we would go- at least that’s what H thought and what she said. But now she is really feeling insecure, and is accusing H of moving just to make me happy. h has made a habit of complaining about me to her, so it seems she has a different idea of our relationship than is totally reality. I did something really shitty and ‘read an email she sent him (we have each other’s passwords but it’s not like we check each other’s emails) and in the email she blasted me, sounded like he’s only doing this for me, like he acts like he doesn’t love me, etc. it was a real shock. h isn’t mad that I read the email but now he’s dealing with her feelings. I’m not mad I guess, but I feel like she just wants him to choose her over me and not move. It seems like she thinks the opposite- that I want him to choose me. This whole thing sounds really dumb and immature, poly relationships in theory are supposed to be able to evolve and change but this just seems like a mess. My thing is we talked about moving for years and he has been open to it, and he is legit excited about the new place. I am not forcing him to move. He admits he doesn’t say all my positive traits around her so she has this impression he’s not as committed as he is.
I feel really stupid like we are “fighting” over an adult person who can make their own choices. I flat out told him if he really doesn’t want to move with me, we can stay together but just not stay married. I don’t really see the point of being married to someone and not being geographically close to them, but I guess that’s my own “thing.” He does want to move and stay married. I feel very irritated like she is trying to manipulate him, and she doesn’t know the whole of our relationship. She also is upset he hasn’t introduced her to friends and family - mind you, H just told his parents we are open two months ago. It was a very big deal. She feels like their relationship is a secret. But we are trying to be careful about our family who might not understand and trying to respect their boundaries. I am sorry if this jumps around so much.
I am not mad at H, just frustrated at the situation. I wish I liked G better as a person. I might be more empathetic toward her more if she handled things differently.
There is so much more to this, but this is the most relevant info. I also have another partner but that isn’t super consequential in this scenario. My lover is in the military and is leaving also, we know we will end our romantuc ties but stay friends.
Thank you, I appreciate any feedback from anyone who has been through something similar! This feels like I am a 4 year old writing about friendship drama.
Brief history is that I am married (let’s call him H). H and I opened up last year around Feb. H met and started dating his current partner about a year ago. Let’s call her G. H and I had been talking about moving from the state we currently live in long before he started dating G and even before we opened up. It had kind of been a long-term plan to re-locate somewhere because we were ready to and because the state we live is expensive. Of course, it depends on jobs and such. h was upfront with g about this from the start. The conversation was revisited several times too.
Over the past year, H and G have gotten really close, which is expected- it’s a romantic relationship. I have generally been okay with this and accepting of their increased intimacy and the time he spends with her. I have had to really check myself and my feelings and reactions, because at times to be it felt like their relationship moved faster than I was ready for or expected- for example? Saying “I love you” or meeting her kids (G is married with kids, we do not have kids). I pretty much took responsibility for my feelings or tried to, and let H know if I felt a boundary had been pushed, and we talked it through. H doesn’t like the idea of there being primaries etc, but it definitely feels like she takes priority over me a lot of the time.
Speed up to now, I got a new job outside this state, and H ang I talked about moving. G knew from the beginning that this was a possibility but she’s really freaking out. I understand her being concerned or scared. But H doesn’t want to end her relationship. In fact, it seems like she and her family were willing to relocate closer to where we would go- at least that’s what H thought and what she said. But now she is really feeling insecure, and is accusing H of moving just to make me happy. h has made a habit of complaining about me to her, so it seems she has a different idea of our relationship than is totally reality. I did something really shitty and ‘read an email she sent him (we have each other’s passwords but it’s not like we check each other’s emails) and in the email she blasted me, sounded like he’s only doing this for me, like he acts like he doesn’t love me, etc. it was a real shock. h isn’t mad that I read the email but now he’s dealing with her feelings. I’m not mad I guess, but I feel like she just wants him to choose her over me and not move. It seems like she thinks the opposite- that I want him to choose me. This whole thing sounds really dumb and immature, poly relationships in theory are supposed to be able to evolve and change but this just seems like a mess. My thing is we talked about moving for years and he has been open to it, and he is legit excited about the new place. I am not forcing him to move. He admits he doesn’t say all my positive traits around her so she has this impression he’s not as committed as he is.
I feel really stupid like we are “fighting” over an adult person who can make their own choices. I flat out told him if he really doesn’t want to move with me, we can stay together but just not stay married. I don’t really see the point of being married to someone and not being geographically close to them, but I guess that’s my own “thing.” He does want to move and stay married. I feel very irritated like she is trying to manipulate him, and she doesn’t know the whole of our relationship. She also is upset he hasn’t introduced her to friends and family - mind you, H just told his parents we are open two months ago. It was a very big deal. She feels like their relationship is a secret. But we are trying to be careful about our family who might not understand and trying to respect their boundaries. I am sorry if this jumps around so much.
I am not mad at H, just frustrated at the situation. I wish I liked G better as a person. I might be more empathetic toward her more if she handled things differently.
There is so much more to this, but this is the most relevant info. I also have another partner but that isn’t super consequential in this scenario. My lover is in the military and is leaving also, we know we will end our romantuc ties but stay friends.
Thank you, I appreciate any feedback from anyone who has been through something similar! This feels like I am a 4 year old writing about friendship drama.