Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 07-15-2018, 06:16 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 48
Default Fun boating, but not an easy crush

After maybe 3 months of my relentless requests that I want to go to the sea and do some boating with Morpheus in his boat, he finally got his boat to the water. I was so keen to join him that a flu drove me a bit mad. I was really frustrated! However, I only missed one opportunity to join him because of the flu, and just yesterday I managed to invite myself to a 3h driving around the archipelago here. What comes to motor boating, it was a blast. It's unusually hot here, so driving fast on the sea was a really welcomed cooling experience. Also, I badly needed to get out of the house. TeenKid is visiting us, and Kay is on vacation. Being 24h with two other people was really killing me. So, the boat trip was already a success in this sense. And in the sense that I absolutely love being at sea, at any capacity really. Sailing would be my most favorite activity at sea, but that is not available right now, so I take anything I get.

In addition, I got to spend some time with Morpheus. Surely much of the time the engine was too loud (the boat is really small and the engine really loud) to have any real conversations. Still, it took some time to get there, fill the gas tank and such, so we got to talk a bit. I don't know why his bad humour works for me, but it does. Probably because I like him so much. He told a dirty joke just when I was sipping my water, and of course I inhaled some of the water and almost suffocated. Yeah. So it was mostly fun, except to the suffocating part.

After we left the boat, it took ages to get back because of an accident in the public traffic. It became harder and harder not to touch him. I tend to think I'm somewhat good at reading people and their body language, and I definitely got the impression that he was not into me at all. Sure, he likes me as a friend, but I got the feeling I was friendzoned pretty well there. I have claimed a few times to Morpheus that I am able to behave, if needed, but I really had to make an effort this time to be cool-ish.

So afterwards I have been trying to get rid of these fantasies. It's not going well. My motivation to let go of my own hopes is really low, and I don't even know what to do. I'm not too interested in creating distractions, and I was even a bit reluctant when one was offered me (a family friend from abroad visited). What is equally alarming is that I'm easily able to explain away any elements not conforming to my fantasies. Like, if I experienced he's not into me, I can explain it away by thinking that he just lack courage to show his interest. And so on, and so forth. I guess a proper talk would help me to let these hopes go, but Morpheus is not that easy to communicate with. He also thinks polyamory is somehow difficult and not at all suitable for him. In addition, I like these 'benefits' of our friendship too much - I get to go boating, for heaven's sake! I don't want to rock the boat. Ha!

This crush is more severe I realized before. And it's getting worse. So this is not easy at all, although I've tried to invite some easiness into my life. Now it seems I'm going to break my heart, more or less, and I have no idea how to prevent that from happening. Taking distance won't work, it just makes me sad. Currently, I try to simulate a friend, and when that becomes too difficult, I just go along with my feelings and text him. It seems I text him every day now. I try to avoid it, but it requires some effort, so it's easier to just text him and watch his responses to become shorter and more indifferent. Then I give up and start to hope a new opportunity while my fantasies weave all kinds of situations (I mean sex).

PS I really miss fucking.
__________________
Aquamarine: 39, non-binary, pan, poly
Kay: 48, lesbian, poly, my wife for 4,5y, been together 6,5y
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 07-17-2018, 04:36 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 48
Default Now I got it

I finally realized the thing with Morpheus is that he is interested only if he's really drunk, like wasted. When sober, I'm properly friendzoned. I told Kay about my observation and she said she had known, but didn't want to rub it onto my face.

So I have been pretty pissed off lately. I managed to cry out some of the sadness, which is good. I'm quite disappointed to the situation, but maybe this observation helps me to let my hopes go.

At the same time, my flu got worse and I'm SO frustrated. I can't do anything, the weather is unusually hot. I'm physically uncomfortable and mentally really tense.

Oh, I have forgot to mention Kay's thing/relationship/whatever with her latest date kind of ended, because the other lady is not currently capable or willing or whatever. My point is Kay was really falling for her, and now she is basically heart-broken. So I try to help, support and comfort her, but I don't know how I'm doing because my thoughts are constantly about Morpheus.
__________________
Aquamarine: 39, non-binary, pan, poly
Kay: 48, lesbian, poly, my wife for 4,5y, been together 6,5y
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:24 AM.