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  #11  
Old 06-29-2017, 10:31 PM
breathemusic breathemusic is offline
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Yup... Totally right, I forgot about that part of the story. Ignore my comment and I now concur with the OPP thing going on.
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  #12  
Old 06-29-2017, 10:49 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LLY54ILY2 View Post
Is that a true statistic? #1 is dynamic incompatibility?
Nope. That statistic is, in fact, "total bullshit".

Think of all of the marriages that you've seen end (not sure how old you are), were they due to "mono-poly dynamic"? No, they weren't, they were alcoholism, extra-marital affairs, child rearing incompatibility, inability to communicate effectively, mis-match of temperament or personality types, etc.

In my opinion though, the #1 killer of relationships is unrealistic and/or unexpressed expectations throughout the life of the association (not just when their is a poly-bomb in the wings). It isn't always what actually ENDS the relationship, but it's what set the association up to fail when a big change came along.

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Originally Posted by LLY54ILY2 View Post
I have a lot of hope here, because my husband and I are reasonable people. I don't know what the situation will look like a year from now, or 16 years from now when the kids are out of the house. I imagine different stages in our lives will allow us the opportunity for different dynamics between us.
Being hopeful in your situation seems reasonable. What you are describing is an adult association where communication sounds like it is at least minimally intact.
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  #13  
Old 06-29-2017, 10:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle.

I'm going to repeat what I think I'm hearing in my own words to make sure I get it right. You correct me if I'm wrong, ok? I quote just to visually block it off.

Quote:
  • My husband was fine with my having a GF in the past. (That relationship ended. ) He's still ok with my having GF, but he's not up for being in an Open or poly network with my having a BF.
  • I have a crush on a guy friend.
  • I'm scared to tell my husband that I want to poly and be free to pursue this guy.
    • I'm scared Husband will say "Ok, but then I want to date other people too" and then I have to cope with sharing him with a new GF. (Before when I had a GF he wasn't seeing others so I didn't have to deal with that.)
    • I'm scared Husband will say "Nope. Not up for that. I'm up for being in an open/poly thing if you are dating women, but not men. There I cannot follow. So if that is what you want, we need to part ways so you can be free to do that CLEAN. And I can be free from stuff I don't want. I love you, but not even for you will I do stuff I don't want."
      • I am scared that if I have to end it with husband to date this potential, I'm scared the potential will go "Nope, Not into poly" and then I will have ended this marriage for nothing.
        • And I have no intention of leaving/desire to leave my husband anyway. I prefer to act out or be depressed (because I'm not living poly life) and stay married than consider letting go of the marriage so both me and husband can be free of living like that.
          • But at the same time... I wonder what it would look like if at the end of the day I am left unsatisfied with my life. I scared I would sacrifice for my husband and then become regretful/resentful later for making those choices.
I think at this time? You are not able to poly in a healthy way. So don't pursue the potential at this time. Get square with your life first.

But you cannot get square with your life first until you become willing to have some serious talks with your husband. Right now you sound like you are building up anxiety inside you rather than just getting on with sorting things out. "What if this? What if that?" stuff.

Bottom line? When you strip the anxiety stuff away? If it comes down to these choices?
  • If husband is only up for is open/poly with you dating women? And what you want is the ability to date who you want (men or women?) Then you and husband are not compatible for open/poly together. He wants one way and you another. So I grey it out as an option. Not gonna fly.
  • And if being in a mono marriage is going to lead to you acting out and being depressed? That's not awesome sounding mono marriage for either you or your husband. So I grey that option out. Not healthy living.

  • You don't want to leaving husband... but you may have to become ok with it as a possibility on the table. Or become ok with him wanting to bow out if he's not up for poly in the way you are. You could consider parting ways so you can be free TO pursue who you want however you want and free FROM acting out depression stuff. And Husband can be free from any acting out depression stuff and free from any poly stuff he doesn't want.

You may or may not get this potential as a BF, but at least you are living more authentically and true to yourself.

So I would consider all that first. Clean your metaphorical house.

Do not start cheating or enter in messy poly just because you didn't prepare properly beforehand or went about it half assed.

Quote:
I think I've always been poly, that's what I assessed from reflecting on my relationship patterns, desires (acted out or not), and fantasies. I know that I no longer have to feel bad or guilty about feelings I have. I trust they come from a good place and not a place meant to harm anyone. I feel like I can breathe easier in a sense.
Sounds like you making peace with yourself and living more authentically WITHIN has helped you breathe easier.

So I think this is the next step in your unfolding process... addressing all the stuff WITHOUT. So you can live authentically and breathe easier there too.

I encourage you to have the conversations you need to be having. Talk to your husband about the marriage compatibility and what you each want in the next chapter of your lives. If things no longer match, let it end with grace. Become good exes, coparents, and friends instead.

Quote:
I have a lot of hope here, because my husband and I are reasonable people. I don't know what the situation will look like a year from now, or 16 years from now when the kids are out of the house. I imagine different stages in our lives will allow us the opportunity for different dynamics between us.
Then be reasonable and talk about the stuff you need to talk about. What do each of you want in the next chapter of your lives? And are those things compatible?

Quote:
I guess, no. I haven't head on talked about all my fears with him. Some, but not all.
Stop holding back. Lean into it rather than away from it. Get on with sorting the things you have to sort out so you can "breathe easy" inside and out.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-30-2017 at 02:55 AM.
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  #14  
Old 06-30-2017, 12:49 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi BathedInSalt,

What's your biggest fear here? and, what's the fear that's stopping you the most from having a more in-depth talk with your husband?

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #15  
Old 06-30-2017, 12:30 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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"I think you're very wise to look at knee jerk reactions to find there basis however sometimes it's simply going to come down to preference and wanting it or things the way you or he wants them."
Surprisingly (to me) that's something I hadn't though of, that it might just come down to preference at the end of the day. I find that reassuring. Feels solid.

"Is your husband a member of the forum ?"
no, but I could see him joining in the future
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  #16  
Old 06-30-2017, 12:35 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I'm confused I thought a 5 yr sexual relationship with a women that ended by the other husband would count for something.

TBH I think my continued intimate non-sexual relationship with K counts for something. I didn't think we (K and I) ended our relationship when it became non-sexual.
In my view, and my husband concurs I've been in a relationship with the two of them for the last 7 years. We never looked at it that way until recently, never put a name on it, never investigated it in discussion in the context of poly, does that make sense?
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  #17  
Old 06-30-2017, 12:53 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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Thank you for being so thoughtful and thorough.

I have had conversations with my husband, I guess I should've stated that in my OP. I also see some of these fears as irrational or of little importance at the end of the day. I mostly wanted to confront them out loud with the help of you all.

My priority is to get square.
Yes the anxiety buildup is real, but after each conversation things get easier in the regard.
I do want the ability to date whom I choose, without restriction.
Do you really think I can't have a good mono marriage after this realization? I don't know that I will act out or be depressed, but I might. This is a conversation to have with my husband for sure. It's' going on the list.
Parting ways sounds awful. This is the best relationship I've ever had. I can't even begin to describe how good we are. I'm not unhappy in it. I love it. I'm not anywhere near throwing in the towel on this one.
I've already made peace with not having a relationship with my current interest. It just still stings a bit and causes me to worry about all the potential heartache I'm opening myself up to.

I really like the idea of living authentically within and without. At the end of the day if my husband and I can get to a place of understanding where we are at I could see myself being happy there for a long while. At least we could make best choices about our future.

This feels like a long road and I'm trying not to muck it up on the way.

Thank you again for your response, there are a couple ides you mentioned that I hadn't thought out the way you did.
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  #18  
Old 06-30-2017, 12:55 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
What's your biggest fear here? and, what's the fear that's stopping you the most from having a more in-depth talk with your husband?

Biggest fear: Divorce
I don't think my fears have stopped me from talking to my husband though.
Every coulee days we talk about something related to the topic of poly and relationship stuff.
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  #19  
Old 06-30-2017, 02:23 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BathedInSalt View Post
TBH I think my continued intimate non-sexual relationship with K counts for something. I didn't think we (K and I) ended our relationship when it became non-sexual.
In my view, and my husband concurs I've been in a relationship with the two of them for the last 7 years. We never looked at it that way until recently, never put a name on it, never investigated it in discussion in the context of poly, does that make sense?
Yes it makes sense and I think that's a huge positive factor in your situation.

My comment was to correct an impression another member had.
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  #20  
Old 06-30-2017, 02:27 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BathedInSalt View Post

"Is your husband a member of the forum ?"
no, but I could see him joining in the future
If and when he does I recommend he read this thread and perhaps react out to Al. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=85320

Quote:
I do want the ability to date whom I choose, without restriction.
Do you really think I can't have a good mono marriage after this realization?
I'd say it's going to make it a lot lot harder.


Why have you made peace with not having a relationship with your interest. I thought that was the goal ? And everyone was moving in that direction albeit slowly.

What's up with the new name ???

Last edited by dingedheart; 06-30-2017 at 02:44 PM.
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