Perhaps because I am single....

OneUncagedBird

New member
I have a question, to new and old alike. What I don't understand is the need to make someone a husband or a wife and then have a gf or bf or a tertiary or whatever the other levels are. I understand the multiple relationships, the need to love and be loved by more than just one, I just don't understand the getting married part. No judgement on my part, just querying as to why people choose to set up the tiers and have all the labels. I am trying to understand the choices that so many people on this forum have made. I guess, I just feel like if you are going to marry, then it should be monogamous. But if you aren't going to be with just one person, then don't marry. Perhaps I am just new and naive, but I would love to have other perspectives, please.:cool:
 
I have a question, to new and old alike. What I don't understand is the need to make someone a husband or a wife and then have a gf or bf or a tertiary or whatever the other levels are. I understand the multiple relationships, the need to love and be loved by more than just one, I just don't understand the getting married part. No judgement on my part, just querying as to why people choose to set up the tiers and have all the labels. I am trying to understand the choices that so many people on this forum have made. I guess, I just feel like if you are going to marry, then it should be monogamous. But if you aren't going to be with just one person, then don't marry. Perhaps I am just new and naive, but I would love to have other perspectives, please.:cool:

I think you might have the order wrong. A lot of couples fall into poly together and then deal with the consequences. In fact I can only think of one couple getting married while being involved in poly. (congrats TP...today is your day ;))

Also, I know in regards to my wife and her family. The social construct around marriage is exceptionally important to them. In order for me to ever be accepted and recognized as her partner in life, I would need to be married. Sometimes that construct is important in a persons life. I am her life partner, so it is something I saw as a good thing to do for her and in turn us.

When we married, we had no definition of fidelity in our vows. Does that change your opinion on marriage and being open? Marriage, in todays world, is what you make of it. It is not a religious political construct anymore. My marriage was a celebration of the love I feel for my wife. The love just doesn't include monogamy.

As a non-religious person, this is easy for me to clearly define. Others may have a larger difficulty with it.
 
I have wondered the same thing.....why marry if you are not going to be monogamous to each other.

After reading on my forums & egroups over the last several years it has come to my attention that a LOT of people don't realize they are poly until after the marriage. They marry, have kids together and then decide they wish to add some spice to life. They want a third (or more) adult to round out their family. They go unicorn hunting.

They discover that unicorns, while not totally mythical in the poly realm, are darned near close to extinction in the form they want it--to love them both equally (nearly impossible IMNSHO), the single HBB who is unattached AND has no kids of her own who will also be monogamous to them both (close the relationship), having no other relationships for herself.

Some have come to poly via the route of cheating. The one cheated on loves the cheater so very much that s/he is willing to open up the relationship for that ONE person so their spouse can be happy. Some even open it up to the extent that the one cheated on develops other relationships as well.

Still others have always had these feelings of poly-ness but bent to the will of society-at-large and decided to go the path of least resistance and have a monogamous marriage. They are miserable, not all but a good portion, and go one of three routes. They cheat, they leave their spouse so they can finally be who they feel they truly are or they talk to their spouse about opening up the marriage so they can stay together AND still have other loves and relationships.

Others have come to poly through self introspection. They have started dating a poly person, have done their research and come to the conclusion that it is for them. They decide that they would rather buck society and be happy with multiple relationships than go with society and maybe be happy sometimes and live a lie.

Others have always been polyamorous since their earliest years, never imagining anything other than having multiple relationships.

In short it doesn't always happen that a poly person gets married, knowing they're poly, and continuing to have relationships after the marriage.

Yes folks, this is MY opinion and MY opinion only. YMMV and probably will. I'm looking forward to seeing others thoughts on the topic.
 
Interesting thought. I began as mono. I was taught mono, believed mono, etc. We became swingers, but still carried the mono mindset (to us, sex does not equate with love). And ultimately, our poly relationship was a serendipitous result of swinging. So what I have as my foundation in this poly relationship is, essentially, my marriage. It is the solid ground on which I stand, when I reach out for new experience

I can understand your question. I guess if I were single when I began in the poly world, I might be asking it as well. We all have different journeys:)
 
For us, My husband and I have been married almost 12 years. We have 2 beautiful(albeit crazy) boys together. We decided recently to add my boyfriend who is actually a ex of mine and was his best friend since early school years. It sounds odd to most people. But my BF loves me and I love him. I wont say I love my bf with the same intensity as I do my husband. With the 3 of us its natural. We have all known each other so long we just connect. I know the fact S and I are married should scream MONO! But it doesnt to us. My marriage is a priority. I talk to S about everything. have since we were teens and just best friends. He has always been my rock. My bf is the one who made me laugh instead of cry. Neither one like seeing me cry lol. It doesnt happen often. We see it as a puzzle. You cant have the whole thing with out the pieces. And this is a 3 piece puzzle. :D S is always my first. my bf comes next. And my bf accepts that and respects my marriage. To me my marriage is a seal between me and S that no one can break. It doesnt mean that he owns me or I him. That piece of paper doesnt tell anyone what they HAVE to do in marriage. That you HAVE to be mono. That you are to only live the way that others do. That paper just signifies a love that we wanted to make permanent in the eyes of the courts. lol I think in the eyes of many Im a cheater(of course if hubs approves...is it really) Or a slut. whatever. In the eyes of our house(which is the only thing that matters) I am loved. Im lucky. I have 2 men who love me beyond words. I have 2 men that love to please me and I love to please. All and all Im just one lucky gal to be married to the most wonderful guy in the world. And a added bonus of a boyfriend whom loves me and wants what is best.
So after this long winded thing I say everyone has a different mindset. In our house this works for us. And being Mono is no longer part of it.
 
For me, having come into non-monogamy after marriage, I always looked at it as something we shared.

Marriage for me is about tradition. I believe in the tradition of marriage, I wanted the white dress, and I took my husbands name after marriage. I will never marry again. He is the only one to ever be my "Husband"

We also have a d/s relationship. My marriage vows included, "love, honour and obey" (I have to be reminded about the obey part)

I wanted my children to have their father's name.

My capacity to love another or have a non-monogamous relationship is not exclusive of that. It is inclusive. I want/need family. Some is my blood family. The rest is my chosen family. My husband and family comes first in my life - and when you are a part of my chosen family, you are a part of my family for life.

I have read Redpepper's description of having a "tribe" I can see how that description fits. And I love reading her blog :)

So why marry? Because I wanted to. And he wanted to. And no matter what, he's my chosen family.
 
First, I came in to polyamory after being married; poly is the (relatively) new development in our relationship. (We were married this last summer, poly stuff came up this October or so.)

However, I think I'd go for marriage even with poly. To me, marriage is a public declaration that we are committed to doing our very best to make this relationship work for life. It's not a decision that I made quickly, or one that I take lightly. If I were to have a long-term poly relationship with second person that I felt willing to make that commitment for, I would want to have some kind of marriage ceremony or decision (although it obviously wouldn't be legal and, because of job / family issues, may not be quite as public).

Of course, the social bonuses of marriage are nice - I was getting sick and tired of being treated badly when I tried to help Mal with doctor's appointments / school business. Receptionists etc seem to be much nicer when I can tell them I'm his wife (as vs his fiance / girlfriend). Might get interesting if I find a female partner and tell them I'm her wife lol. :)
 
for us,

we were swingers before we were married.
we married and remained swingers but very very select in our partners.. mostly couples we care deeply about and have NON-SEXUAL relationships with as well as sexual ones...

we never considered being poly... and now 6 years into our marriage, it's coming up... as someone pointed out in my first thread I show the signs... multiple marriages, swinger lifestyle...

why did I marry my husband... several reasons.. he wanted to have a wife (for the first time)... I wanted him to have health insurance, it made the legalities of our life easier... his daughter as my step gets health insurance and calls me mommy....he and I are committed to each other in a way I can't imagine being committed to someone else like...

IF he and I agreed to walk away from swinging and poly (and we still may) we would be fine... POLY and swinging enhances our life...
 
I feel the same way about marriage being what you make it. To us, it's a sign of commitment. Neither of us are religous, so it has nothing to do with that. It's just a symbol that we choose to be with each other forever. We are in love and know we can't live without each other. That doesn't mean that we don't still want someone who will be as equally important to us. With us, if we find someone else, we want to all be equal in the relationship, not just be a married couple, who has a girlfriend, just because that's what society may say it is.
 
I got married because Maca needed marriage for a sense of security. If that piece of paper helped, so be it.

There is no "level" or "designation" of whose more or less important for me.
Husband/boyfriend/lover/sister
whatever.

They're my chosen family and I love them.
 
An excuse for a really big party?

Seriously though, our daughter was nearing school age, there are a lot of legal benefits to getting married and it provided certain safeguards we found valuable.

Also, yeah, we had enough money finally to do it up in a fun way. It was great to celebrate our relationship. We've been together for eleven years and are the most stable couple in our group of immediate friends.

We couldn't see a downside to doing it, and the benefits were many.
 
I'm not one for marriage at all and have never liked the idea. It's a lot of religious and political mumbo jumbo to me. That being said, many people do see it as important to show their commitment or such.

I don't see how in a poly relationship, you could only marry one person either. Surely you love everyone in the relationship? Why not marry them all? Again, I understand it's illegal in most places for polygamy, but if it's something you believe in, it's certainly worth fighting for. I think people should definitely be free to marry whoever and however many people they wish. The political side of life should stay right out of marriage and relationships in general.

I think another great way to do the same but without the complications of legal marriage and religion getting in the way, is to just have an informal ceremony. I think if any partner I was with wanted to get married, I would probably go through with an informal ceremony.
 
Somegeezer, I don't know about your part of the world, but in the U.S. there are legal issues to consider, especially if children are involved.

Much of my motivation to get married was to protect my daughter and her father and to make sure that, if something were to happen to me, clear rights of inheritance and custody were established.

Were my husband and I not married he would not be as well-protected under the law in the event of my death. I could definitely see my mother trying to get custody of our daughter and my money, and wills can be contested.

Also, our medical insurance is through his job. Being married helps there, and with our taxes.
 
Somegeezer, I don't know about your part of the world, but in the U.S. there are legal issues to consider, especially if children are involved.

Much of my motivation to get married was to protect my daughter and her father and to make sure that, if something were to happen to me, clear rights of inheritance and custody were established.

Were my husband and I not married he would not be as well-protected under the law in the event of my death. I could definitely see my mother trying to get custody of our daughter and my money, and wills can be contested.

Also, our medical insurance is through his job. Being married helps there, and with our taxes.

When children get involved, I understand it is very complicated there, yes. I'm not sure what that would be like here. Most likely, they would be left alone, unless the child was in obvious neglect or abuse. But that's with any relationship. I understand legal views can be quite different to here.

If it was about the mother dying and the father was not married to her, it wouldn't matter as long as he is on the birth certificate as the father. If no father is on there, it would go to godparents or whoever is in the will. If there are none, then it gets very difficult.

Again, medical issues here are waaaaay different. Quite complicated differences to really explain in a paragraph. I'm a pretty terrible writer as it is!

But yes, things are a lot different here than there, but if all things are put aside and we look at marriage directly as a form of commitment to love, I don't personally see it as something I would want to be involved in. Others dream of being married from a young age. =]
 
But yes, things are a lot different here than there, but if all things are put aside and we look at marriage directly as a form of commitment to love, I don't personally see it as something I would want to be involved in. Others dream of being married from a young age. =]

Right, I mean, who needs the sanction of the state or religion? Just because we have a legal document doesn't mean we are more committed. It changes nothing, other than we have found that we like referring to each other as "husband" and "wife" as it is a good shorthand for the degree of our commitment to the outside world.

We have a nesting, life-building relationship. No piece of paper has any bearing on that, it is something we have built together, through hard work and with patience and love.
 
Right, I mean, who needs the sanction of the state or religion? Just because we have a legal document doesn't mean we are more committed. It changes nothing, other than we have found that we like referring to each other as "husband" and "wife" as it is a good shorthand for the degree of our commitment to the outside world.

We have a nesting, life-building relationship. No piece of paper has any bearing on that, it is something we have built together, through hard work and with patience and love.

Which is why I would prefer something like an informal ceremony. That way, no legal document could ever have bearing on it, even if it wanted to. I just find it unfortunate that we live in a world where "I love you" is never enough. Most likely due to its overuse by people who don't understand the true meaning of the phrase. It has made most people immune to it. They need a legal document to prove it, because their words aren't enough. But like I said. There are a few people who truly love the idea of marriage and I do not knock them. Everyone has something that works for them. =]
 
my husband and i are new to poly... we got married first, and developed interest in poly after. but since we got married mainly because of insurance and children, we would have gotten married regardless. :) i'm a stay at home mom... i need my husband's insurance and the married tax status. plus we own a home together and i need the security that if the relationship goes south i won't just be kicked off the property with nothing.
 
You know two Ari, PN and I were and have always been poly. 10 years in this summer. We designed our vows to indicate that we were not exclusive. We didn't intend to live together at all until it became evident that if we didn't buy a house now we never would be able to afford one here and we were right. We fully knew the likelihood of others coming into our lives and our common goal was to raise a child or two with loving chosen family. We are doing that.

There were several reasons we got married.

  • Acceptance, love, legal benefits (we had a ceremony four months AFTER legally getting married... we didn't tell anyone and just got some friends to come and sign the papers for us), we get along well on things like running a house, finances, etc.,
  • We wanted to raise children in a committed relationship and marriage proved to us that we were committed. After years of relationships that came and went I needed something that I could sink in to. I didn't believe that I could have that until I was married.
  • I found that the actual preparation and process of the marriage was a huge turning point in my life; a right of passage that is taken very seriously in our culture; I took it seriously, event though it was completely our design. I take tradition seriously and value it.

I would discuss marriage to Mono if he was up for it and PN was in agreement, but his views of marriage is that it is meant for one time in your life and one time only. He married once and that was the marriage part of his life, now he is on to a different thing... I don't see how it's different, but I would very much like to commit to him and have our loved ones witness that.

There is something very moving, and incredible when you are witnessed doing something that makes you vulnerable. There is nothing more vulnerable than a pure and rich love on a wedding day to me. I love weddings. :) Why not have those happy moments to share with others...

There is so much that isn't happy in our world, I think everyone should have a ceremony of some kind to celebrate themselves... weddings are very much about that; celebrating the people who are marrying. When else do we get together to tell stories about them, give them gifts, cherish their love for one another and set them up with a good foundation by agreeing that we will be their for them if times are tough. All so important I think.
 
Thanks RP. I had forgotten you two had been poly the entire time. To be honest, even pengrah and I are a little different then the "norm". We have been open the entire time, when we married we were in an open relationship. The poly side got added about a 1 year into our marriage.
 
Wow...

Thanks to everyone for your stories and honest answers! This was amazingly enlightening to me, which is what I was looking for. I do understand the legal ramifications and the need to protect the children, pass property on and spousal rights. That makes sense.
It also makes sense that many people come to poly after marriage, when in our society it is not something that is ever discussed as a viable option unless you happen to be around people who live a poly lifestyle. You just sort of seem to stumble upon it as a missing piece of the puzzle (to quote someone, sorry I forget who).
I also find it intriguing and thought provoking to re-examine what marriage actually means. I have been married, and I know that a piece of paper does not and will not guarantee faithfulness. And, I have come to the conclusion that a relationship will work or it won't based on the people involved and the effort put forth. Not because you stood up in a church. I have no delusions when it comes to this, but I do find it interesting that all involved have said that marriage is truly defined by the individual. Who says what it is or what it isn't? Traditional marriage had to be defined by someone somewhere a long time ago before it became a tradition, right?
In other words, I appreciate the interesting stories and the sharing of each persons journey. And, this does actually open up my field of vision in this area. I don't think I will change my mind and want to be married again, but I do understand it all better. Thanks everyone.
 
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