Giving support
Yesterday was the first time I have actually met a mono person to discuss their journey into a possible mono/poly relationship. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a fan of people going down this path, especially for younger people exploring their first serious relationships. I normally turn people away who ask to talk to me, because I am afraid to discourage them. But there is not a lot of support available from my perspective in our "real world" community. She's also a very nice and mature person, so I accepted the invite happily.
She asked me to talk to her because A) I am pretty much the only mono person in our local community and B) she wanted to talk with some one who wouldn't immediately think she was crazy for pursuing this.
I had a good talk to Redpepper about how to approach this, and came up with the idea of asking questions about what she wants from a relationship, mixed in with a bit of my experiences and lessons learned.
She had already done a great deal of work internally and was able to clearly state that she wants to pursue this. She is in love. Because of her confidence and self-awareness, we shifted gears from "should you do this?" to "how to do this."
We talked about identifying what she needed to move forward, which was a very solid core relationship (think
primary for those who like the word, like me). So we talked about starting there; both of them identifying what that would take and communicating how to achieve it. It all tied into building foundations. First, you start with the footings (which are a clear understanding of ourselves; needs, wants, expectations) and then pour the foundation. Once that is cured and the relationship is solid, then you can look at adding other levels.
We sat there for two hours and had a very enjoyable and mutually-beneficial discussion. I learned things from her and she learned things from me, I think. I left feeling that I had helped both her and her partner, and ultimately felt enriched by the experience. Not that I want a bunch of coffee dates, I'm way too reclusive for that.