Feelings for a friend - romantic or not?

Normally I'd post this question elsewhere, but I'm asking here because I expect I'd get many monogamy-centric responses elsewhere, and I want responses that more accurately reflect my worldview.

I have strong feelings for a close friend. She was the first girl I slept with and I love her very much. She is now in a monogamous relationship with a man.

Recently, I've been struggling with some feelings of jealousy. Most of the time I'm happy for her and her boyfriend, whom she likes very much.

But sometimes...

Sometimes I just want to kiss her. I want to keep her with me for a little while, cuddle her, have her sexually. I want to spend time with her.

However, I don't often find myself obsessively thinking about her, as I do about most crushes.

I'm not exactly sure what I want from her. Our friendship seems to hover on the edge of romantic, and we both consider ourselves more or less heteroromantic, but...

See, people who aren't in a poly mindset might say "jealousy means you like her romantically! that's how you know how strong your feelings are!" But I don't think jealousy implies strength of affection.

How can I figure out what I feel for her? Could it be merely friendship and sexual, not romantic?

What do you think?
 
I think it's totally normal to feel a little wistful and to still desire connection with lovers who have since moved out of out grasp. When you're poly and they're in a monogamous relationship, it's all the more wistful because you can see how you two could be together if it weren't for that one, silly rule they have with their partner (I'm not saying monogamy is silly, but it can feel that way when it's in the way of what you want!).

Is it friendship, is it romance... why try to categorize it? It probably doesn't fit neatly into any one definition. As long as you don't torture yourself over it, and can respect her choices, let it be the affectionate, somewhat-desirous friendmance it is. :)
 
I have said here before, I have a tendency to fall in love with my friends. I actually have a crush on one my staff at the moment. ! I usually don't think about it, but sometimes, late in the day, she'll be gabbing at me, and I kind of lose my train of thought...

I think when you're a person who loves to love, sometimes the heart runs off when the brain knows it's not the 'right' place to go.

Annabel, 'friendmance' I LOVE IT :D
 
Oh, no.

:(

I thought it was just a friendmance, like you said. I really did. But... last night I ended up sobbing in a corset and panties on my best friend's shoulder, in the middle of a hallway, over this girl.

Drunken and holding me as I held her up, she told me she loved me and hoped we were still friends when we were thirty (she's 19). I told her of course we would be, stroking her hair and feeling that familiar tug behind my sternum. She said how her boyfriend made her feel so beautiful, and I said, "You should feel beautiful. You are." She said, "Even when I'm pregnant, and fat, and farting?"

I said, "Always."

And she said, "I'm so glad you're my friend. I hope we're friends when we're old and gray."

All of this interspersed with talk of how much she loves her boyfriend, thinks he's perfect for her, doesn't fight with him, and thinks she wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

And I just started tearing up. I held it in and gave her back to her boyfriend (who was waiting in the hall because she'd briefly kicked him out of the co-ed bathroom to tell me about her feelings for him). Then I went back to my hall (same dorm) and just broke down.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell her how I feel? Her boyfriend is a very jealous person and wouldn't be okay with her dating me - in fact, if he knew she'd had sex with me he probably wouldn't want her seeing me at all. (Though I know she'd see me anyway and tell him that was unfair of him.)
 
Drunken and holding me as I held her up, she told me she loved me and hoped we were still friends when we were thirty (she's 19). I told her of course we would be, stroking her hair and feeling that familiar tug behind my sternum.

It's a hard thing. Do you let her slip away and regret the chance not taken and the love left unexpressed, or do you spill it and risk her pulling away, thinking she's making it easier on you by not being right there so close?

I don't have an answer for you. Only you can decide what outcome is acceptable, but I'll tell you this: putting yourself through hell by keeping yourself in limbo is no way to be.
 
It's a hard thing. Do you let her slip away and regret the chance not taken and the love left unexpressed, or do you spill it and risk her pulling away, thinking she's making it easier on you by not being right there so close?

I don't have an answer for you. Only you can decide what outcome is acceptable, but I'll tell you this: putting yourself through hell by keeping yourself in limbo is no way to be.

You are right.

I'm going to tell her, next week, in person. I'm going to tell her and it probably will not go how I wish it would. But at least I'll be free of this.

If she doesn't reciprocate, I'll choose to pull away anyway.
 
I told her. She reciprocates!

Her boyfriend said he's okay with her and I having a romantic relationship, but he wouldn't want our relationship to be sexual.

Why would he feel this way? Is there anything I can have her show him that might help?
 
I told her. She reciprocates!

Her boyfriend said he's okay with her and I having a romantic relationship, but he wouldn't want our relationship to be sexual.

Why would he feel this way? Is there anything I can have her show him that might help?

There's no reason to rush into things. Be romantically involved for now and let her decide when it's appropriate for the two of you to become sexual. She can discuss it with him and you can be supportive, but If you push this you could jeopardize things.
 
There's no reason to rush into things. Be romantically involved for now and let her decide when it's appropriate for the two of you to become sexual. She can discuss it with him and you can be supportive, but If you push this you could jeopardize things.

Sorry, I was unclear - I'm willing to be very patient. He said he may never be okay with us being sexual together.

She would be okay with being sexual right now if not for him.
 
Well it seems like he is apprehensive and slightly threatened. If might be a good idea to tell him that eventually you will want that in your relationship with her but for now you are okay with starting off slowly and seeing how it goes. That his pace is important to you and that you wish to make sure that he is as comfortable as possible with this process. I would add at the end that you will be considering everyones comfort as much as possible and if that means that the sexual aspect need pushing to ensure that, that you will be advocating for moving ahead in this department. I see no reason to sugar coat or make promises that are impossible to keep. After all, part of a partnership is often sexual. If that is something you and her desire then its important to be honest about your compromise for him and your willingness to compromise for now.

This is reminding me of my journey with this with my partner Mono and my now ex, Leo. You can read about it in my blog from Christmas 2010 until the spring of 2011. It was a ride that I think ended my relationship with Leo. Neither of us were getting our needs met I don't think and as a result I was just not able to go to the depth that I am accustom to and really need.
 
If might be a good idea to tell him that eventually you will want that in your relationship with her but for now you are okay with starting off slowly and seeing how it goes. That his pace is important to you and that you wish to make sure that he is as comfortable as possible with this process.

[snip]

This is reminding me of my journey with this with my partner Mono and my now ex, Leo. You can read about it in my blog from Christmas 2010 until the spring of 2011. It was a ride that I think ended my relationship with Leo. Neither of us were getting our needs met I don't think and as a result I was just not able to go to the depth that I am accustom to and really need.

She told him all that. He basically told her that to him, sex is almost sacred, more sacred even than love (he's very inexperienced - she's his first girlfriend and his first sexual partner). I made it clear to her, and I'm sure she did to him, that we'd take it as slowly as he needed.

I'll go read your story. Thank you so much for your support, Pepper.

Would you mind checking out my more recent post about this? http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22190
 
Sorry, I was unclear - I'm willing to be very patient. He said he may never be okay with us being sexual together.

She would be okay with being sexual right now if not for him.

I know what you meant. I was saying it's her decision as to when she broaches the subject with him.

Well it seems like he is apprehensive and slightly threatened. If might be a good idea to tell him that eventually you will want that in your relationship with her but for now you are okay with starting off slowly and seeing how it goes. That his pace is important to you and that you wish to make sure that he is as comfortable as possible with this process. I would add at the end that you will be considering everyones comfort as much as possible and if that means that the sexual aspect need pushing to ensure that, that you will be advocating for moving ahead in this department. I see no reason to sugar coat or make promises that are impossible to keep. After all, part of a partnership is often sexual. If that is something you and her desire then its important to be honest about your compromise for him and your willingness to compromise for now.

This is reminding me of my journey with this with my partner Mono and my now ex, Leo. You can read about it in my blog from Christmas 2010 until the spring of 2011. It was a ride that I think ended my relationship with Leo. Neither of us were getting our needs met I don't think and as a result I was just not able to go to the depth that I am accustom to and really need.

I'm much newer to all of this and maybe I'm wrong here so I'm asking but do you think it's a good idea for her to bring this up to him now? Being sexual isn't something you should rush into. There's no reason to discuss it now if they don't need it now and are happy being romantic in other ways. As with other relationships, when the time is right is when you should approach that subject, at least in my opinion. I feel like he isn't going to be receptive to the idea especially if it's the OP that's bringing it up.

*shrug* Maybe I'm being naive but I think it's better to have a good time now and worry about the heavy stuff later, when it's necessary. She's effectively gambling that he's not going to just be like, "If you can't agree to this you can't see her" where as later on in the relationship when he realizes that his girlfriend's time is shared but her love is not he may be more receptive.

This is new for the guy as well as for the two of you.
 
KyleKat, thank you for your perspective! She brought it up to him now because for both of us, I think we'd be ready to have sex (again) right now, and that would make us both very happy. She also, perhaps, envisioned it being a possible problem in the future. I think she made it clear that we'd be willing to hold off for awhile.
 
I know what you meant. I was saying it's her decision as to when she broaches the subject with him.



I'm much newer to all of this and maybe I'm wrong here so I'm asking but do you think it's a good idea for her to bring this up to him now? Being sexual isn't something you should rush into. There's no reason to discuss it now if they don't need it now and are happy being romantic in other ways. As with other relationships, when the time is right is when you should approach that subject, at least in my opinion. I feel like he isn't going to be receptive to the idea especially if it's the OP that's bringing it up.

*shrug* Maybe I'm being naive but I think it's better to have a good time now and worry about the heavy stuff later, when it's necessary. She's effectively gambling that he's not going to just be like, "If you can't agree to this you can't see her" where as later on in the relationship when he realizes that his girlfriend's time is shared but her love is not he may be more receptive.

This is new for the guy as well as for the two of you.
Possibly leaving it would work. I have not known that to be the case. If I think that I would want to have sex with someone down that road I would be honest about that. I did say that she should go at his pace as much as she can, but sometimes that means no pace at all and that isn't okay either. If things are going well right now then great. The thing is that if she doesn't at least put it out there that this is likely going to lead to sex then when it comes up at that time it would be THEN that he will need to think about it, rather than having the chance to think it through and get the help and support he needs. If I were him I would want to know now, not later and possibly feel that the wool has been pulled over my eyes.

Also, to him, this might not be anything more than two women expressing the depth of their friendship. They are talking about a deeper bond and connection than friendship. I think that they should be honest about that and all it entails. That's my take on it anyway. Of course they will do whatever works for them. There is no "right" way of doing any of this relationship stuff. :p
 
Also, to him, this might not be anything more than two women expressing the depth of their friendship. They are talking about a deeper bond and connection than friendship.

I actually think he's deluding himself into thinking maybe this is not much different from friendship. How can he know she wants to be with someone who isn't him and have that be no different to his (currently anti-poly) mind than her only wanting to be with him?
 
Well its not been long since this all panned out though. Time. There is nothing but time. There is no rush for this to unfold I would think. Sometimes the joy is in the journey, not the destination.

I have met many people who I just haven't been able to be with because they have a different view than me or their partner does. It happens. The question indeed is how much to invest in the journey. People aren't going to have the same view on things. People don't all have the same view of poly.

I have found that if I go into any relationship with the attitude that I am curious about others and grounded in my own view then I feel much more content and like I can avoid situations that are not right for me. I go into each relationship/friendship/partnership valuing differences and seeing how to mold those differences into a relationship. I don't think anyone is right or wrong; they just don't know me or what I think yet and I don't know them.

Sometimes I learn something from them because I remain open to learn more... sometimes I have something to offer them and change occurs. If they decide that I am worth knowing, and I decide that they are worth knowing then the wonder and curiosity can begin. As soon as I go into it with the aim to change them, that moment of purity is lost. Just my take from a woman who went through the wringer with her poly boyfriend (its a huge part of my blog from Christmas 2010 until this past summer 2011). I'm passing this on as it might help you find some patience with him. :)
 
Well its not been long since this all panned out though. Time. There is nothing but time. There is no rush for this to unfold I would think. Sometimes the joy is in the journey, not the destination.

But oh, this journey right now is not joyful. I'm just trying to survive right now.

Sometimes I learn something from them because I remain open to learn more... sometimes I have something to offer them and change occurs. If they decide that I am worth knowing, and I decide that they are worth knowing then the wonder and curiosity can begin. As soon as I go into it with the aim to change them, that moment of purity is lost. Just my take from a woman who went through the wringer with her poly boyfriend (its a huge part of my blog from Christmas 2010 until this past summer 2011). I'm passing this on as it might help you find some patience with him. :)

:) Thank you so much. I'll try to be patient.

He makes her very happy and she loves him, so he must be special even though this situation is really painful.
 
Update: Eight Years Later

Reading through this thread, gosh I was so young and so caught up in my own feelings and desires.

I don't know if anyone who commented is still active here, but I wanted to tell you that she married this man, who is absolutely wonderful, in 2016. They became open a year or so ago.

I realized back then that I didn't want to marry her. I couldn't give her what he could. But I was halfway in love with her and still am, and now I get to kiss her and hold her hand, even sleep with her if it gets there. He and I are friends, as well.

I am also very much in love with my girlfriend, who I think I will very likely marry. We're happily open and were friends for five years before getting together.

Sometimes life turns out in ways you don't expect.
 
Sometimes life turns out in ways you don't expect.

Ain't that the truth!? :p

I was not one that commented on your thread, but I joined the forum a month before the OP and recognize the people who did. Sometimes things work out in ways you could never, ever, anticipate.

Here's to joy and happiness in your life and in the lives of those you care about!:)
 
Wow, man reading all of that just gave me rushes of both good and bad feelings remembering times both long ago and not so long ago when similar emotions were felt for various persons.

*reads back over* Hmm perhaps I'm not beung vague enough.

Regardless, as a total newbie, welcome back and it's so nice to hear things are coming around and working out. ^_^
 
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