I'm in over my head.

I'm down stairs discussing what my wife really wants, FWB vs true poly and I burst into tears!! Me! I've just spent the last 10 minutes weeping like a small child and i don't even know why. I haven't done this in...years? I thought i was doing so well, now I just feel broken and alone.

I came upstairs to my office and closed the door so that I don't hurt my wife. I don't want my pain becoming her problem. Fuck me I really am on my own here.

just had to document this as it happens, i have a tendency to minimize.

You've been going through a LOT, talking with your wife and processing internally. Sometimes we just cry, and that's healthy. Enjoy the release if it happens again and don't read too much into it.

Don't shut your wife out ... Your hurt IS her problem. She needs to see exactly where you're coming from, so that she can appreciate all the growth that's happening within you and exactly what you're doing for HER.

When Indigo and I went through our growing pains, he had some pretty intense fears. We both calmed our fair share of tears. I reassured him many times that I loved him and wasn't going anywhere. Sometimes when he'd ask me these things, I would have to ask if I'd done something wrong, because I was trying my hardest to be loving and supporting and he was still hurting. Yes, this was frustrating. But, he in return made sure I knew that I hadn't done anything wrong; he was just working on his own insecurities.

Seeing exactly what he went through allowed (and still allows) me to better anticipate his needs. When he asks "silly" questions (Do you still love me? Am I still interesting?) I know it's not me, and if I don't know for sure, I ask. He's able to reach out for reassurance without sitting and stewing on things because he doesn't want to ask a question or express a feeling that appears to come out of nowhere. It doesn't come from nowhere. I've seen his journey - and I feel pretty damn lucky to have someone with me who's been willing to work that hard.
 
I like what Trucker Pete said, about just meeting as you would meet a new friend. My husband and bf knew each other for many years before we broached the subject. Maybe it's better to just get to know him a little. I was always over-the-moon happy when my husband would mention one of my bf's good qualities to me. I felt like he was truly seeing him through my eyes, and that put us on the same page. It was awesome that he was so willing to see what I see.

My bf (Jack) and I had been flirting and feeling the tension for years before my husband told him he wanted us to follow this through. He had already dealt with the sting of watching my infatuation and feeling helpless and scared and all sorts of mixed emotions. Since this is so new for you, I think it will help to just watch and see if there is any tiny (or not so tiny!) flirtation and how that makes you feel. See how respectful this man is in your presence. Wow, it's going to be an interesting night! Many of us here have been in your shoes. I remember when my husband told me he was going to talk to Jack about going "all the way," so to speak, I was afraid Jack would think we were freaks. I also felt like we were talking about him like he was a plaything. It turned out that the men were so respectful and classy about it, everything really did go great.
 
It's okay to cry. I've never been one to show a lot of emotion, but with my growing pains (seems like a good phrase to fit), I couldn't help it. There is a lot for a mono man to come to terms with when his wife comes out as poly.

If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't do it on your own. You need to include your wife in everything, so that way she can know where you are with everything, and she can comfort you. Not to mention, that your pain is going to be her pain, whether you are there or not. I'm sure she is hurting too, for putting you through this. Getting reassurances won't always help, but they are nice to hear when you are feeling alone.

Either way, just remember; you aren't alone. You have a wonderful wife that has enough trust in you to bring such a life changing event... She wants to include you in everything, so you need to do her the same way.




One thing that I've found throgh my still very fresh journey, was that the days that things were the worst, were the days that I learned something new about myself. So while they might be hard, don't just chalk it up to poly and go on about your business. It's the best time to do introspection, and every time things get bad, you might be able to get to a reason of why you are feeling the way you are feeling. For me, it started out pretty basic; fear of loss and some other things. Then as time went on, I figured out why I had the fear of loss. After that, another bad day, more tears, and I figured out that I wanted to fix it all, to provide all the needs that Jen has. More tears, more progression, and I got to what I think of is the core of my problems, which is the codependancy.

So every time I cried, I discovered another reason why I felt that way. The knowledge of that helped me to get along, until the next time I cried, and figured out a deeper root. So it takes time, but the most important part is communication. Jen and I started out really strong with communication, but as time went on, I kind of sank into myself, and if Jen asked if I was doing okay, I said "yeah", even if I wasn't. That wasn't a good place to be, and I ended up hurting myself a lot in the process. I'm building it back up now, but it was pretty deep....

So just make sure you share everything, since that is what this is all about! Sorry for the book.... But I feel strongly for you, since we are sharing a lot of the same feelings.
 
truckerpete Carma and Beodude123 thanks for the advice.

Today was an odd day. I was experiencing low level anxiety for most of it, But once I came home I mellowed out and right now am at complete peace with this new idea. What's that about?

The tears for the most part are still a mystery to me, but it was the worst emotional pain I've gone through in decades. I've made an agreement with the universe that I'm no longer going to lie to my wife or myself about how I feel throughout this journey.

yesterday I asked my wife what it was she truly wanted from this FWB or a true Poly lifestyle? After some thought and and some hesitating she responded Poly. And that's where I lost it, You see I knew, I intuitively got that what she wanted was much more the a FWB but both of us were afraid to address/discuss it. Only so much a guy can deal with at once, ya know?

Tomorrow(wednesday) I'm going to meet the man of Mystery,at a social event. No place to bring this up and as he hasn't yet been brought into the loop on this I'm just going to watch hm and see what kind of man he is. However My wife T and MR. Mystery are going out Thursday to discuss some business over drinks and dinner and if the opportunity arises my wife will let him know how she feels about him and see if he's interested.

So I need a plan for Thursday.

Also even if it doesn't work out with Mr Mystery my wife has made it clear she will be looking for a secondary, so I'd best get busy learning to accept this.
 
Floodgates

truckerpete Carma and Beodude123 thanks for the advice.

Today was an odd day. I was experiencing low level anxiety for most of it, But once I came home I mellowed out and right now am at complete peace with this new idea. What's that about?

The tears for the most part are still a mystery to me, but it was the worst emotional pain I've gone through in decades. I've made an agreement with the universe that I'm no longer going to lie to my wife or myself about how I feel throughout this journey.

yesterday I asked my wife what it was she truly wanted from this FWB or a true Poly lifestyle? After some thought and and some hesitating she responded Poly. And that's where I lost it, You see I knew, I intuitively got that what she wanted was much more the a FWB but both of us were afraid to address/discuss it. Only so much a guy can deal with at once, ya know?

Tomorrow(wednesday) I'm going to meet the man of Mystery,at a social event. No place to bring this up and as he hasn't yet been brought into the loop on this I'm just going to watch hm and see what kind of man he is. However My wife T and MR. Mystery are going out Thursday to discuss some business over drinks and dinner and if the opportunity arises my wife will let him know how she feels about him and see if he's interested.

So I need a plan for Thursday.

Also even if it doesn't work out with Mr Mystery my wife has made it clear she will be looking for a secondary, so I'd best get busy learning to accept this.

I have read this thread with some interest. Many of the things you are going through, and the reactions you are having, are very similar to the ones my wife went through when we experimented with polyamory a while ago.

Having said that, I can possibly relate a little to what your wife may be feeling on the other end of the equation.

I see a pattern here. You are sincerely invested in bringing happiness and joy to your wife. You *also* have a lot of unresolved issues and feelings about the situation.

It seems you may be tending to shelve those issues and feelings in a hope to lessen the impact they may have on your wife. My wife had the same tendency. To me, she would put on the brave face and boldly thrust forward with the poly plan, while inwardly she would be building up a hidden bubble of feelings and fears.

The problem with that tendency is that bottling up feelings can only last so long before one explodes in a blitzkrieg of tears, panic and anxiety. To your wife, this may seem totally unexpected. She has been only privy to your brave face, and may not know where the sudden bursts of emotion are stemming from.

One way my wife and I have tried to remedy this is to make sure we communicate more, and more often, to try and make sure those feelings and anxieties are let out in smaller, more manageable doses.

Perhaps set aside a time during each day where you both agree to talk about it, and you commit to letting her know what you're really feeling on the matter. This will give you an outlet, and her a chance to re-assure you, and share with you what her feelings are.
 
Also even if it doesn't work out with Mr Mystery my wife has made it clear she will be looking for a secondary, so I'd best get busy learning to accept this.

You are a trooper my friend...but relationships mono, or poly aren't an isolated thing. Good on you for working so hard to get yourself up to her level, but I'd caution her about plowing forward when her current partner isn't ready.

On of the maxim's that comes up frequently, other than communication (which Robfire was just touching on) is going at the pace of the slowest person.
While we're on the subject, I do home your wife has been doing her homework too...if not here than via one of the other resources.
 
It seems you may be tending to shelve those issues and feelings in a hope to lessen the impact they may have on your wife. My wife had the same tendency. To me, she would put on the brave face and boldly thrust forward with the poly plan, while inwardly she would be building up a hidden bubble of feelings and fears.

The problem with that tendency is that bottling up feelings can only last so long before one explodes in a blitzkrieg of tears, panic and anxiety. To your wife, this may seem totally unexpected. She has been only privy to your brave face, and may not know where the sudden bursts of emotion are stemming from.


This just happened to me, so please take that to heart. It was the scariest thing I've ever gone through. I've been talking a lore more again, and it's feeling a lot more manageable.
 
This just happened to me, so please take that to heart. It was the scariest thing I've ever gone through. I've been talking a lore more again, and it's feeling a lot more manageable.


That's good to hear. Please don't take what I said negatively, it wasn't meant to be a slam at all.
 
No no no, I wasn't meaning that to you. I was talking to freetime. I wanted to convey the importance of not bottling things up, because you will have a breakdown. It's not fun.
 
Ok I'm daring to share a little about where I am today with our situation, and I hope no one will pounce on me for it!

Actually, all the communicating got to be overkill for us, after awhile. What came to light was the extreme co-dependency in our marriage.

Now we are really trying to work through that, while poly is still a part of it. Ugh. It's where we are. Doing some great work, actually. Loving the husband immensely for it, too.

Bob (my husband) is seeing a therapist now (we were going to her together, she is awesome and totally open-minded with the poly thing). He is really trying to focus on his own personal growth for awhile, while I work out my relationship with my bf, separately. For now, less information, more space. It's a new place. I admire Bob for saying, "I'M OKAY, I am an adult, I am not going to fall to pieces while you explore your own heart." This is totally new, though. We hashed through a lot those first 5 months. Ad nauseum, really! Now Bob is going to work on strengthening other relationships in his life, and developing some new ones, too. Not necessarily sexual ones, I don't mean that -- but guy friends, girl friends, work friends, even quality time with our kids, who have been on the periphery as we have worked on holding our marriage together (and yes -- we DID feel that focusing on our marriage was the best thing we could do for our kids, through those first crucial months that could have broken us and destroyed our family). I'm so glad we persevered! But, um, yeah, the kids had to fend for themselves a lot while we were engrossed in so much serious talking!

I'm not saying that communication isn't a great, great thing, and necessary too, especially at the beginning. But when I see Bob, focusing on Bob and trusting that our love is going to be strong enough to hold us, I feel a surge of renewed faith and security in him, in our marriage. His new developments of personal strength are incredibly attractive to me. I cannot imagine EVER leaving him, ever. He has become my rock.
 
Robfire: Thanks for sharing your experience, That's exactly my style of communication, and a style I'm putting away, hopefully for good. I've Talked more in the last week about what's really going on with me/us/her than....well I don't really know when. Odd. One of the first thing the folks here recommended for me was to stop pretending/lying/avoiding and get busy talking about what was/is really going on. Easier said then done. I've suffered from an affliction I refer to as "Superhero syndrome" No fear to big, no lie to small,this closed mouth fool can carry it all. Seems I can't. Guess that big S on my chest stood for stupid not super. Sorry about the rhyme, trying to be clever and failing badly. Bottom line, is that we now talk about us every day.

ImaginaryIllusion: Good council. I may be Insane but I want her to move forward. She, whom I will now refer to as T has stated that if I want her to wait or not act she will stop. But that's just delaying the inevitable. I'll never get to where I need to be with this until it's real and in progress. My fear of loss, rejection etc. will only be truly gone when i see T coming home, after spending time with him. I hope. I don't if this makes sense, but I have to get to where I'm going to deal with where I am. And at that time I'll find out just how far I've actually come.

Thanks for keeping and eye out for me by the way. Nice to know I've got folks here to keep me focused and help me with this oddly exciting life change.

Beodude123
Sucks don't it? I'm finding that not only are the tears unexpected, but the embarrassment afterward just adds to the problem. I have to get over feeling embarrassed about being human, yes another issue to work on. Lovely. Thanks for sharing, glad to know I'm not the only one.

Hi Carma, You're far ahead of me in this dance. I am glad to hear you and Bob have found some equilibrium. I hope to one day be at a stage where I don't feel at war with myself..

Right now, today, as I post this I am fear free and reflective. The next two days are going to be or could be very different for this wee lad. Wish me luck. I'll post about tonight after I get home. Stay tuned.

FT
 
So, T and I had sex....great sex! not unusual for us really, but what is different is that its been 15-16 times since last Thursday! The day I first started posting here and the first day I admitted to being in over my head. No I'm not bragging, (ok maybe just a little bit) but I am startled at what's going on. The excitement, Passion raw sexual energy are intense. Is this normal? Because A guy could grow to like this.
 
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So, T and I had sex....great sex! not unusual for us really, but what is different is that its been 15-16 times since last Thursday! The day I first started posting here and the first day I admitted to being in over my head. No I'm not bragging, (ok maybe just a little bit) but I am startled at what's going on. The excitement, Passion raw sexual energy are intense. Is this normal? Because A guy could grow to like this.

Yup, totally normal. It will pass, but enjoy it while it lasts!
 
T and I went out tonight to a social event where M was supposed to show up as well. he never did. This is the second time he's been a no show and it makes me wonder if this guys right for the job so to speak. He had made plans last Thursday to get together with T but bailed on her. ( see first post)the day this all go started for me, and now tonight he had intimated he'd be at the gathering tonight but didn't show. Frustrating for T and for me.

It'll be interesting to see what tomorrow night brings as that's the one to one "business" date they have set up.

I have a serious question, I actually want this to work out for T. it's a mix of getting past the will she, won't she see this guy and wanting to see her have a new life adventure. What's the question? Right! How the hell did I get to here and how do I keep it here? The feeling of acceptance and support I mean.

The difference in how I feel and how I think of this experience today as compared to my first post is shocking. I'm in a completely different place spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. Is this real? Is it temporary? Is this normal?

Wow, I talk a lot. Sorry about that, but this whole week has been far outside of what I thought I knew and believed about myself, my marriage and my wife.

I'll stop talking now.
 
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It's been my experience that there is an ebb and flow of acceptance. You seem to be in a place of greater compersion right now, and that is awesome, but don't be surprised if that changes.

When it changes, don't make the situation worse by berating yourself for not being in the lovey state you are now. Simply accept it and focus on the bigger picture. Are you generally becoming more accepting? I think so, given what I've read.

Overall, things will get better and easier if you and your wife keep up with all the hard work you're putting into this. Day to day, (hell, moment to moment!), you will see much larger flutuations.
 
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how do I keep it here? The feeling of acceptance and support I mean.


It won't always be there, if your experience is like mine. There was a ton of back and forth. Just remember to talk it out, and eventually you will get to the base of your fears. That day, for me, was a big stepping stone in the right direction.
 
So, T and I had sex....great sex! not unusual for us really, but what is different is that its been 15-16 times since last Thursday! The day I first started posting here and the first day I admitted to being in over my head. No I'm not bragging, (ok maybe just a little bit) but I am startled at what's going on. The excitement, Passion raw sexual energy are intense. Is this normal? Because A guy could grow to like this.

Mmhm this happened to me and my ex too. As i felt more accepted as bi and poly, and he also got into the idea, our sex life heated up dramatically.

In fact, even tho we eventually broke up (after 30 yrs), to the very end of our relationship, the sex stayed hot. One of the last days we were together, we had so much sex, he came 5 times in 24 hours. New record for him, in all those years together (and not bad for a 55 yr old guy :) )
 
Well here we go.

Magdlyn: (and not bad for a 55 yr old guy ) Hahahahaha Hell M, that's not bad for an 18yr old!

Beodude123, Truckerpete, redpepper, Thank you for sharing your experience. it's pretty awesome to have folks helping me out with this. So much is changing for me, How I see my relationship, myself and my wife. This week has been and continues to be one of the most intense times in my entire life. And that's coming from a guy who has done and experienced some pretty heavy shite.

T is out tonight on her date as I type this. I'm feeling.......tired. No sadness no fear, just tired. T left acting like a school girl going out on her first date, and I felt like her Dad telling her to be careful and call if she needed to. We put into place some ground rules for tonight, no unprotected sex, no sleep overs, call and tell me where she is if they go to his house, and if she drinks, to call me and I'll come pick her up. Did I miss anything? Don't know.

What I do know right now in this moment is that I love that woman more than I can adequately describe. I'm focusing on that love and our history together to keep me from wandering into the dark places of fear, mistrust and jealousy.

I'll post again after she returns tonight and let you know it went. After all in one way I'm on that date to, ya know?

FT
 
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