Open relationship vs poly

DarlingGirl

New member
Hello! :) I would like to start off by saying that I am new to the forums! :D

Lately I've been wondering if I am monogamous or not. I've been talking to a few friends about open relationships and poly and they both are intriguing me beyond my belief. Months ago I told myself I would never be interested in these sorts of relationships, but here I am, highly interested in them. Well, I am mainly interested in open relationships and not poly.

I would like to know the difference between the two, though. How does one deal with jealously whenever it pops up in both an open relationship and a poly? Considering that I am quite a jealous person and how would one deal with it?

The way I see an open relationship is that, for example my partner has these sexual desires, these fetishes that I'm not into *extreme BDSM for example* and my partner found someone that did and have sex with that person. Things like that.

I'm willing to try open relationships in the future when I start dating again seriously and maybe even poly.

Words of advice, stories and pretty much anything, I'm open to it.
 
"Open" can mean two things within non-monogamy. It might mean that your configuration is open to new partners opposed to being closed to new partners (polyfidelity), or it could mean that you are in a relationship which is "open" to interactions with other people.

The next part of this is that some people use "open" to signify that there are some restrictions on their interactions with others - for example, they may be restricted to casual sex or friends with benefits, so a limit on emotional intimacy outside of the couple. This is different to a polyamorous relationship where it is more expected that there will be significant emotional intimacy with others.

I don't really feel threatened or resentful of a partner having other loves so jealousy isn't something I am particularly familiar with. Envy perhaps. I've been a "secondary" to someone with a "primary" and wished that I had a "primary" too. I have been mistreated and possibly abused by a partner who used to ensure I knew that I was the only one they treated this way and that made me feel very negative about myself and my relationships, but I can't really say that I have felt jealous. I strongly suspect that I would view feeling jealous and having to manage it all the time as a sign that non-monogamy wasn't my ideal relationship style.

The way I see an open relationship is that, for example my partner has these sexual desires, these fetishes that I'm not into *extreme BDSM for example* and my partner found someone that did and have sex with that person. Things like that.

The problem with "open" relationships in the way I described them before (limited emotional intimacy outside the dyad) is that both people in them have to be "monoamorous" (only need/desire one love) for it to truly work without it being constant hard work. If someone like me (polyamorous) agreed to that relationship style, I would have to only interact with people who I actively disliked as a person but found physically attractive because hanging out with them + sex with them would = emotional intimacy (love). That would be of limited appeal to me and would be more work than I am willing to put into a relationship.

Additionally, from experience, when you find someone who is highly sexually compatible with you, it is unlikely that love type feelings will not develop.
 
I consider my marriage open because my husband is not poly, he just likes having sex with lots of women but isn't interested in a romantic relationship with anyone else. My boyfriend is monogamous and isn't okay with me having additional partners but is fine with a "don't ask don't tell " policy
 
Generally, an "open relationship" is about sex. A polyamorous arrangement is about love. Naturally there's some overlap, but in very basic terms, that's the difference.

However, in an open relationship, it isn't always easy to avoid developing romantic feelings for the person who's supposed to just be a sex partner. When Hubby and I first opened our marriage in spring 2013, he made a rule that I couldn't have ANY feelings for another partner. I could only fuck them. I pointed out that that was incredibly unreasonable and unrealistic; for one thing, I can't have sex with someone with whom I don't have at least a friendly-acquaintance connection with. For another, you can't always control emotions.

He agreed with what I was saying, so that rule was changed to an *agreement* that friendship with a sex partner was acceptable, but if feelings became romantic, we would cut ties with that person. Each partner we had during that part of the openness was told up front that that was the case, before any sex or anything happened, so no one would be blindsided. Hubby only had one sex partner, and he did develop feelings for her--and lied to me about it--which was why he not only cut ties with her but stopped seeking other partners entirely. He still has the *option* to do so if he's inclined, but he says he doesn't trust himself not to screw up our marriage in the process, plus he finds it way too difficult to find a woman who's willing to become sexually involved with a married guy even if his wife says it's okay.

The whole polyamory thing came about when I developed romantic feelings for a friend with benefits and told Hubby "I'm in love with Guy, and I'm contacting him today to cut ties with him, but I wanted to be honest with you about it first." His response was, "No, don't cut ties with him. Loving him isn't going to take away from how much you love me; you just have a lot more love in your heart than I do, and I'm okay with this."

At that point, it became polyamory rather than an open marriage, in my perspective at least, because it was no longer solely about sex. Having a loving, romantic relationship with a partner other than Hubby was now acceptable. And honestly, it was even less about sex than the open marriage had been. Guy and I had primarily a long-distance relationship; the FWB thing was during a few months when he was in my area for work, but for over a year of the year and a half we were together, he was several hundred miles away. Sex obviously didn't happen. (I don't deal with sexting, cybering, etc. Not my thing.) It was *only* a romantic relationship. Likewise, for the last two or three months of my relationship with S2, as we limped toward the final breakup, there was no sex, but there were still loving, romantic feelings on both sides. And even before that, sex had become infrequent with us.

As for jealousy... that's a tough one. Jealousy is an acceptable emotion. To me, it's related to fear. I was jealous of the woman Hubby hooked up with because I was afraid he would leave me for her. I told him this, told him that I didn't want him to stop seeing her solely because of my jealousy, and asked him for reassurance that there was no basis for my fear. So I guess short answer: It's okay to feel jealous, it's how you handle it that matters. The most constructive way I know of to handle it is to be honest with yourself and your partner about having that jealousy, not using it as leverage to make them change their behavior, and asking them to reassure you about the specific thing you're jealous about.
 
Hello DG - I'm new here too. :::waves:::

This conversation has me thinking about what I've gotten into .... an open relationship or a poly relationship? I'm beginning to think that it was only going to be poly if the primary was acceptable - otherwise I'm just an outside playmate.

The more I read - the more questions I have. Should have known :rolleyes:
 
I think of polyamory as a type of open relationship. There are many kinds of open relationships - some involve love with others, some do not. "Open relationship" doesn't signal "no love allowed" to me, it just means that the partners are open to outside relationships.

Poly relationships by definition do include love (or emotional attachment to varying degrees.)

This diagram more or less works for me:



relationship+chart.png
 
This is not going to be helpful at all...yet I feel compelled to respond. :rolleyes:

"Open" to me has two different definitions. 1.) "Open" to new relationships (i.e. the opposite of "Closed" to ANY new partners, at all.) and 2.) "Open" to new relationships, with the caveat that they are purely sexual (i.e. as opposed to "Poly" relationships which allow for "feelings")

In my (simplified) version of definitions:

Swinging = sex only, couples do together
Open = sex only, couples can do apart
PolyFi= sex+emotion, couples do together
OpenPoly= sex+emotion, couples can do apart (= my version of poly)

PS. With regards to the previous chart - we are in the pink oval under the yellow oval in the right side of the diagram! Relationships -> Open relationships -> Polyamory -> Multipartner Poly
 
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I am poly but not in an open relationship.

I have two husbands I love very much and I am not searching for other partners.
 
This is not going to be helpful at all...yet I feel compelled to respond. :rolleyes:

"Open" to me has two different definitions. 1.) "Open" to new relationships (i.e. the opposite of "Closed" to ANY new partners, at all.) and 2.) "Open" to new relationships, with the caveat that they are purely sexual (i.e. as opposed to "Poly" relationships which allow for "feelings")

In my (simplified) version of definitions:

Swinging = sex only, couples do together
Open = sex only, couples can do apart
PolyFi= sex+emotion, couples do together
OpenPoly= sex+emotion, couples can do apart (= my version of poly)

PS. With regards to the previous chart - we are in the pink oval under the yellow oval in the right side of the diagram! Relationships -> Open relationships -> Polyamory -> Multipartner Poly

PPS. If you like a even more complicate diagram I like this one:
nonmonogamy2.5.1.gif
 
This is my favourite diagram to give to people on different relationship models.
 

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"Open relationship" doesn't have any specific meaning. It's a bit of a catch-all for all things non-monogamous. Lots of people will tell you otherwise, but the variety of specific definitions they give demonstrates exactly what I mean.

Polyamory is a bit more focused. The prefix "poly" and suffix "amory" specify the numerical and romantic aspects of the relationships respectively. Sexual aspects are not specified and may or may not be involved.

If some specific term happens to resonate with you and/or your partner, go with it. But labels are superficial and picking one won't give you a specific rulebook to follow, contrary to what dozens of bloggers would have you believe. At the end of the day, you'll have to work out your own parameters, regardless of what you call it.
 
I'm loving all the diagrams! :D
 
Sorry OP, I did want to give a little advice about jealousy.

I used to be mono and I thought "no way could I ever be poly". I was jealous, I liked being mono (serial monogamist, anyway) and I worried about disease or being "left out in the cold".

So, how do I deal with jealousy? I recognize it for what it is: Fear. Once I've done that, I acknowledge that fear is not something I want to base my decisions on. I am a brave person, I am a force to be reckoned with and nothing can keep me down! So, what is my fear, exactly?

Usually it is that someone I care about is going to ditch out on me bc she is having a better time with someone else. I realize that being fearful and jealous doesn't help that situation at all. If anything, it makes me LESS attractive and more likely that the imaginary scenario I've created will become reality. (the old "self fulfilling prophecy")

I am comfortable with myself and have confidence. I am aware there are people out there who are more physically fit, financially fit, funnier, better looking, better lovers, better communicators and whatever other qualifications or attributes one might look for in a partner. I'm just me. I have to trust who I'm with is with me because I'm me and they love me.

Another thing that helps is I try to practice non-attachment. Which is different than not caring. It means I care, I love, I value and cherish but I do NOT require anything from that person. They don't have to tell me they love me or kiss me or otherwise fulfill some expectation I have. My dead mom is a good example, I love her like crazy and she doesn't even write! Reciprocation is a wonderful thing, but my love is not dependent upon it.

There's a wiki on Non-Attachment HERE
 
"Open relationship" doesn't have any specific meaning. It's a bit of a catch-all for all things non-monogamous. Lots of people will tell you otherwise, but the variety of specific definitions they give demonstrates exactly what I mean.

Polyamory is a bit more focused. The prefix "poly" and suffix "amory" specify the numerical and romantic aspects of the relationships respectively. Sexual aspects are not specified and may or may not be involved.

If some specific term happens to resonate with you and/or your partner, go with it. But labels are superficial and picking one won't give you a specific rulebook to follow, contrary to what dozens of bloggers would have you believe. At the end of the day, you'll have to work out your own parameters, regardless of what you call it.

I agree with this, but starting out with no points of reference leads to ignorance, the labels aren't a replacement for critical thinking and decision making, it's simply a way to start the conversation in a way that even the newest person to "polyamory" and whatever that means to you can understand another. Otherwise we start arguing about terminology and not about how the person wants to run their own life. Semantics schemantics lol.
 
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