New to Polyamory, looking to talk

Alexanc

New member
Hi! I’m new to polyamory and trying to navigate through my thoughts and feelings about it. Unfortunately, I don’t have a community for this so if anyone is available to talk, let me know!

To give some background, I had a relationship for the past 2 years and we started opening the relationship. I recently met his other love, and it was an interesting experience. I think we were all uncomfortable to some degree because there’s no framework. We all came in with some research and ideas, but most of our experiences have been through monogamy. So we are now on a break to sort through or thoughts, so I’m curious what other people’s first time experiences were, especially coming from monogamy, the mistakes that were made, and the things that were learned.
 
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Hello Alexanc,

My poly experience started in 2006, up until then I had been completely monogamous. I would have to say that my biggest early mistake was getting overly caught up in my NRE. I should have had more concern and consideration for my wife at that time. You can read more about my story in my blog, also I would be happy to answer any questions you might have. I am certainly available to talk, either publicly on this thread as I will be following it, or you can message me privately. I hope you will enjoy your stay on this forum.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Re

Thanks for sending your story!


I don’t have cohesive thoughts right now as sort of just processing, but...

What we’ve learned so far is the art of communication. I think there’s also a level of self love, confidence and independence that a person in a poly relationship should have or at least be willing to actively work towards.

Even when we spoke recently to recap the “break up”, I look back thinking “wow I should’ve stopped to process my emotions more thoroughly”. So I’m certainly learning a lot about myself while trying to understand what exactly I need in these relationships (what kind of information do I want to share, or want shared; what my style is; etc)....I think this may be some trial and error. Some heartbreak and great moments that I have to be open to. But also recognizing what may be learned from society, my parents, etc.

At the moment, we’re not talking as he has things he needs to do and wants to think very hard about (in regards to continuing this journey, etc). For me, I would like to explore it more. I definitely have been at odds with monogamy...I think it works for some, but I question it for myself. I’ve watched people cut down on what makes them happy, and I wouldn’t want that. I would want my partner/s to be free. But in practice, it can be a bit challenging. As a result, I’ve been spending more time researching about it, listening to podcasts, and I’ll be attending some community events this week which I’m extrmeley excited for. Even when I first entered “the lifestyle” (swinging), I loved immersing myself with people that were in it because of the people and how we understood each other.

So by reaching out to this community, I’m also trying to see the experiences others have had and the joy that’s come out of polyamory. There’s something so beautiful about it- the love that everyone experiences. I think the discomfort in meeting other partners, as noted in your bio, is something to work past because it’s a totally new experience. There aren’t many mainstream stories about polyamory, but that’s What I love about it. it’s something to be created and to come naturally. Relationships change and grow, but that’s natural. And to tie it back, this is where the importance of communication comes in and self awareness.

Just rambling because while I want to share this with my partner, we are still processing what we experienced.
 
We did a lot of small steps over several years before bringing on a relationship.

The first "meet" between a girlfriend and my wife went better than I could ever have imagined. They chirped like birds and laughed all night together and they were hip on being friends. About 8 years ago now.

It's really funny because the first web-chat girl I ever interacted with, while my wife looked on... she was going to divorce me afterwards. She came to her senses shortly, and then started to laugh. But this was the kind of Jeckyl/Hyde road we went down.

First stripper - same thing. She did not say "divorce" but I could see she was losing it and I was really confused. I thought she had set me up. But she said "no, I am hardening myself".

Well for whatever reason the actual sex with a bona-fide girlfriend, no problem. The mistress I stayed with the longest, no problem.

And one other... drama. That gets you the door right away. We have a rank order, it does not work for everyone nor do we even expect the majority to follow that model.

We have separate households, it just seems to work better for us. The wife is a voyeaur and would like to butt in and run the play by play. But I just like loving two people. Separately. You have to do business together, so to speak. There is money, schedules, planning weeks in advance or longer...

The kids know but they have never interacted with anyone else I have seen. They make jokes about it, and I am on the webchat with them in my girlfriend's apartment so it isn't something we hide. Discretion is the better part of promiscuity, lol.
 
Hi Alexanc,

Poly can certainly be a challenge, you are doing the right thing by doing your research. Communication, self-love, self-awareness, learning from outside sources, confidence, independence, meeting other partners, all of these are important pieces to a successful poly picture. You may also want to check out Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness, it tells about the joy that's come out of polyamory. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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