Poly and Affairs

Syrope

New member
Hello everyone,

I'm new to the forums, and have been involved in the poly lifestyle for the past year.

I'm a married woman who is also seeing another man, a Dom (as his submissive) for the past six months. My husband is currently not seeing anyone at the moment. Generally (apart from a few hiccups) things have been going well.

My husband has recently met someone he would like to start seeing which is great, but I have some concerns and wanted to get some feedback.

The woman he's met is someone he works with in the same department. She's also married and not in a poly arrangement. Basically, if he were to start seeing her, she would be having an affair on her husband.

I'm at a crossroads here. On the one hand, it's her business as to whether or not she chooses to have an affair.

On the other, I fully believe in the ethos of poly as being open and honest from all partners, and I feel really uncomfortable being privy to a dynamic that may involve cheating, even if it's only by-proxy. I want to support my partner and his choice in partners, though had hoped he would have met someone who is open to poly, or is involved in poly. I have other concerns, mostly for her safety knowing she comes from a very conservative background (that unfortunately also has high rates of domestic violence), as well as the impact her affair could have on her child.

I certainly don't want to come across to my husband as being unsupportive now that he's met someone he'd like to get involved with, nor am I wanting to be hostile or critical of this woman as I'm sure she has her own reasons and challenges with her marriage and an affair seems appealing.

I just don't really know how to support him in this situation, and ethically I just feel like this isn't poly.

Any advice, experience, feedback would be appreciated.

Thank you,

-S
 
I'd say he's risking termination. How readily can he get a new job?

I have firm personal beliefs about not getting involved with co-workers; my wife didn't, & that was fine by me. In your situation, I'd first ask her whether she preferred her job OR maybe getting closer to the guy. (She worked in investments, & a petty office squabble could screw up a LOT of peoples' money.) And I'd point out that the risks are greatly reduced if his wife gives informed consent.
________________

Dunno if this applies to you, but... I had a lover who was also involved with a married guy behinds his wife's back. She eventually broke up with me because HE endlessly ragged her about having sex with a married guy -- meaning ME. :rolleyes:

You might want to have a deep, serious, ongoing conversation with your husband as to whether there's the teeniest chance he's looking to "jump ship" on you, because it's not uncommon to do so by dislodging someone else from their marriage (thus ensuring they're a little damaged & needy & clingy).

Is he capable of recognising the path toward such a "happy accident" before the trip even begins?
 
That's a tough one. I would be inclined to say it's not my problem that my partner made a bad choice...but the job thing throws a wrench into it. His job affects your household. It is difficult enough to date someone from work, but this particular situation is much worse.

I wouldn't be able to support the decision, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be supportive of my partner. This is bound to end badly.
 
You might want to have a deep, serious, ongoing conversation with your husband as to whether there's the teeniest chance he's looking to "jump ship" on you, because it's not uncommon to do so by dislodging someone else from their marriage (thus ensuring they're a little damaged & needy & clingy).

Is he capable of recognising the path toward such a "happy accident" before the trip even begins?

Conversely, what are her intentions. It's not uncommon for a person to shop for a new spouse before dumping the current one. She gets found out. Her husband kicks her out. She suddenly finds herself on her own and pressures her lover to become her new spouse.
 
Ravenscroft,vinsanity0

Thank you so much for your responses.

I agree with both of you that it's messy and will end badly.

I had a long talk with my husband tonight and have cancelled a session/time with my DOM scheduled for tomorrow to continue to work on this.

Ravenscroft, I hadn't considered the prospect of him potentially jumping ship, but I have added that to my list of concerns that we discussed tonight and are continuing tomorrow.

Vinsanity0, I didn't read your response before chatting with hubby but I again agree and do have that concern about her intentions as well. From what I've heard, she is unhappy in her marriage.

I guess for a quick update we discussed my concerns which included a range of things, from the stuff discussed above (closed marriage, cheating, working together) to how it'll impact how we do our relationship (open communication and honesty vs sneaking around, boundaries around timing etc). This led into another more serious discussion about issues around trust etc which I think was needed.

He's decided not to go forward, and stated that he's worried about it impacting us, but also is taking into consideration a number of my concerns that he hadn't really considered.

But now I feel really horrible, because I feel like I've just shut something down for him and definitely didn't want to do that (not once did I say 'no you cannot see her,' I only listed my concerns and the risks of his involvement) but at the same time, I just feel that this particular arrangement is really, really messy.

I want to support him but I just cannot support an arrangement of an affair when I really believe in the ethical dynamics of poly as open, honest communication. I also offered to shut down my relationship (as much as I'd rather not) to allow us to work on this for a longer period if we need, though he rejected that. And regardless as to what the relationship this woman has with her husband (I have no idea if it's abusive, loss of connection, etc), I just feel like I cannot be a third party to her cheating. If she was in an open marriage and didn't work with him, I'd say go for it.

Anyways thank you again, it's at least good to know that I'm not alone in thinking it's a bit too messy.
 
Sounds like you're being as reasonable as you can possibly be, in the face of a potentially questionable decision by your partner. You stated your concerns, and it sounds like he agreed they were reasonable. Keeping your concerns to yourself would likely have caused worse problems down the road.
 
As a side note, it's not necessary to offer to shoot your Dom in the foot just because your husband narrowly avoided shooting himself in the foot. While that's 'fair', it's not helpful to any of you. I get that you want to support your husband. Consider other ways of supporting him that may not be 'fair' but help all of you.
 
FWIW, I don't think taking up with a person looking to have a cheating affair is ethical poly either.

He's decided not to go forward, and stated that he's worried about it impacting us, but also is taking into consideration a number of my concerns that he hadn't really considered.

Good. Glad the talk went well. Hopefully this positive experience helps you feel more confident in expressing your concerns to spouse.

But now I feel really horrible, because I feel like I've just shut something down for him and definitely didn't want to do that

Why are you feeling horrible? What did you do?
  • You expressed your concerns. Kinda have to -- he isn't a mind reader
  • You helped him see and consider things he hadn't thought of yet. That's helpful and supportive.

In light of new data, he decided not to pursue this woman at this time. He could have also chosen to keep going anyway. His choices belong to HIM.

Right now?

  • He's still able to date other people.
  • If she cleans up her marriage situation, and asks him out? He can consider dating her again under the new circumstances.

What have you "shut down?" His options still seem pretty wide open to me. I think you could relax more on that.

I also offered to shut down my relationship (as much as I'd rather not) to allow us to work on this for a longer period if we need, though he rejected that.
Why would you even offer to shut down your relationship with your Dom? When you don't really want to? If there's a problem with Dom, are you going to divorce husband to work on stuff with Dom? :confused

Just offer to reschedule your date nights, friend time, hobby time, skip church, skip gym, and so on to create a space for extra discussion. No need to throw the baby out with the bath water.

It's almost sounds like you are "keeping score" somehow between you dating and your husband dating. Like you are so anxious to keep it "even" or something. Is that happening here? :confused:

It's ok to have and express concerns. But don't let anxiety take over everything either. Try to relax more.

Galagirl
 
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Don't feel bad that your husband came to his senses. Trust that he made his own decision. You merely gave him some things to think about.
 
Hi Syrope,

I think you did the right thing in bringing your concerns to your husband. And, I think he did the right thing too, in not going forward with that would-be affair. Don't beat yourself up here, you did fine. Your husband can find and date other people.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'd say you did the right thing with regards to voicing your concern. The thing is, that his involvement with another partner DOES affect you, since he is involved with you. Sure, he's an adult & can make his own decisions, but you are part of the mix, so unless you have an agreement where you have no position to speak, you have every right to give your input.

Another thing I would suggest for anyone facing that type of dilemma, is to put yourself into the shoes of the partner who may be cheated on... If you believe that you have the right to know if your're being cheated on, then it's definitely cheating by proxy to be involved with someone engaged in an affair.
 
I'm not sure if it's relevant, but has the husband **ever** had another partner outside of the marriage? If the answer is no, then this may be a sign that he is having trouble making 'proper' poly connections. It's no secret that a man will usually have a harder time attracting additional partners, especially if he is married.

Perhaps talk to him and ask him if he is having trouble getting another partner. His attempt to see a married (cheating) woman might be a sign that he is grasping for straws, and if he continues down this road (of not having success finding another partner), it could end up with him becoming resentful that he lost the only chance he had at another relationship--even if it was an affair.

Sometimes actions like this are a sign of deeper issues.
 
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