No idea what to do...

krysjah

New member
I am so lost right now. For the past year and a half, I've been in a quad with hubby and another couple. I've always been the one who wears her heart on her sleeve and isn't afraid to express love and affection. We decided to close it between us to try out my idea of a quad... See about it being an actual relationship between the four of us. My girlfriend has an analogy that I feel is perfect...

We're all reading the same book. Hubby is in the table of contents.. Interested in what it has to offer.... Her hubby is in chapter 7, she is in chapter twelve... And I read through the entire thing quickly. She came up with this a little over a year ago... And it's accurate.

She and I say I love you to each other, but it feels more like we're best friends... And not together together. We've been intimate 3 times that I can think of.

Her hubby... My other other half... Has never been expressive about feelings... Has to make effort to text in a regular basis... But when we are alone.. The chemistry is definitely there. We have great conversations and the sex is mind blowing. He calls me on my bs and I appreciate that.

Hubby and I are in a great place. Communication is strong.


So my issue is thus...

A little over two weeks ago, hubby and I met another couple over board games at a convention. Innocent at first. They are awesome people that just moved to town and want friends, so we made friends. The husband messaged me two days later saying how happy he was that we met and that we should make plans to hang out. We originally had it set a week out but we're able to rearrange things to hang out that night. We went to their place... Played board games and had a blast. Conversations led to our poly lifestyle and they mentioned that they've dabbled a bit and that was that. He and I realized throughout the night that we have an uncanny amount in common. Even the spouses were amazed. Needless to say... We hit it off really well. The past two weeks we've hung out with this couple almost every day... In a platonic game playing sense... And the hubby and I have been talking every single day through messenger. His wife thinks that it is adorable that he and I have a "crush " on each other.

Thinking that I was the only one with more than friend feelings in our quad... I didn't think the others would be upset about my discovery. I mentioned it and now have had two very long conversations where they both told me that they thought I knew how they felt (no clue... Bc again... I'm the one who expresses) and that they were definitely not ok with this new development. We agreed to cross that bridge when we get there because new guy and I don't even have a blessing from his wife (She wants to get to know us better first).

I'm so confused and I feel like I've betrayed the other two... But I am upset because why wait for something to come up for them to express how they feel about me?! It just doesn't seem fair to me that I've been sitting here feeling like the weirdo... When they've been close to the same page as me... Just not telling me.

This new guy is even factored into the above analogy.. He's read the book too and we're gushing over how awesome it is together.

Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. If you want a little more history you can see my past posts... I've only had a few so they should be easy to find.
 
I should also mention that I don't want anything to end. I've always been the kind of person who has too much love to give.
 
I am sorry you struggle. Let me repeat back what I understand so I know I got it, ok? Let me know if I get anything wrong:

You are in a Closed quad with your husband, BF, and GF. (The BF and GF are married to each other.)

You do not like that BF and GF don't express how they feel, esp love for you.

You recently met a couple while gaming. You and the gamer husband have a crush on each other now that you find you have so much in common. His wife thinks it is cute and all, but no blessing to date or anything. This is in the land of "we are gamer friends with a crush on each other" and that's about it.

You tell your partners that you met this gamer friend and he's cute and all -- crush for you.

  • Your husband is fine with you having a crush on the gamer guy.
  • Your BF is upset? Or YOU think he is upset?
  • Your GF is upset. Or YOU think she is upset?

You do not have all your partners' blessing to date gamer dude anyway -- that's shelved for now.

YOU are upset though, that you wanted to share a fun crush thing with your people, and then they roll out (????) and receive it with (????). Rather than expressing however it is they feel about you all along. Or responding with (????) which you would like better.​

Have you told them that? That you prefer they express all along rather than save it up? And how you prefer they respond when you share harmless crush stuff? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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I was briefly In a quad (couple months) the husband of the couple wanted it closed and I thought long and hard about that but at the time choosing a polyfidelitous relationship wasn't right for me. It went against everything I wanted and believed in. You have to make the choice what is right for you. Its up to you if you want to aee where things go with this new guy but be aware that the other couple could also choose not to support your choice.
 
Yes. Pretty much nail on the head.

They both have expressed that they are upset about it and don't like it. I told both of them that I wish they would have expressed these things all along and that it's not fair to me to save these feelings for a situation to arise.

As for gamer guy... I wish that I could just say... No, they are not ok with it... But we have a super intense connection that I can't even begin to imagine not having anymore...
 
Further clarification...

It's easier to answer within the text...

I am sorry you struggle. Let me repeat back what I understand so I know I got it, ok? Let me know if I get anything wrong:

You are in a Closed quad with your husband, BF, and GF. (The BF and GF are married to each other.)

You do not like that BF and GF don't express how they feel, esp love for you.

You recently met a couple while gaming. You and the gamer husband have a crush on each other now that you find you have so much in common. His wife thinks it is cute and all, but no blessing to date or anything. This is in the land of "we are gamer friends with a crush on each other" and that's about it.

You tell your partners that you met this gamer friend and he's cute and all -- crush for you.

  • Your husband is fine with you having a crush on the gamer guy. yes
  • Your BF is upset? Or YOU think he is upset? he is upset
  • Your GF is upset. Or YOU think she is upset? she is upset

You do not have all your partners' blessing to date gamer dude anyway -- that's shelved for now.

YOU are upset though, that you wanted to share a fun crush thing with your people, and then they roll out (????)stated that if I pursue then they were out ut... Because they didn't want to put themselves through that and receive it with (????). dislike and suddenly there are feelings and they are not ok with the idea of me being with anyone else. Rather than expressing however it is they feel about you all along. Or responding with (????) let's talk about why these feelings are happening... Or that's cool.. You found someone just like you... Thats gotta be interesting.. Or something... I dunno what I expected... But in my brain I felt.. Hey, now I don't have to bug them with all my feelings and stuff... which you would like better.​

Have you told them that? That you prefer they express all along rather than save it up?yes And how you prefer they respond when you share harmless crush stuff? :confused:

at this point I'm not so sure it is harmless. All I know is that there is a super intense connection.
Galagirl
 
You can't help when crushing on people. You CAN control who you date and when. At this time, dating him is not on the table.
  • You are in in CLOSED quad.
  • He's in a CLOSED Duo.

I think you could be disappointed you wanted to share some harmless "whee!" crush stuff with your partners. And while husband was fine, BE and GF reactions left you feeling raw maybe?

Unless I am missing something to me it is over the top to say "we're breaking up if you pursue" when you just have a crush. You aren't even asking to Open so you can date. Why leap to the break up place? Jeez.

And like you would pursue / cheat without checking in with people first -- that's not demonstrating good faith in you. Why would you go crazy after building this far and cheat? Jeez.

Kinda leaves a bad taste in one's mouth to be treated like that. Did they mean to do that? Or not intentional but are wigging out with their own insecurities or inner freak out? I can understand withdrawing after a reception like that. But in the long term I don't think that's the answer. I think it's better to sort it out.

Galagirl
 
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Just another perspective...

You said that you are the one who expresses your feelings. Had you told them that you weren't feeling much affection from them, that you were presuming that they felt mostly friendship feelings towards you, and that you felt hungry for something more?

It might have been a lot for them to hear all at once-- that you weren't feeling the kind of affection you'd like, that you were interested in opening the quad, and that you had already found a potential person to date. That's a lot of information.

But my main point is, did they know you felt like the weirdo? Is there a way to address those feelings without changing the relationship structure? Or do you fundamentally need to change the structure, even if this new guy doesn't end up being available.

You have heard of the "relationship broken, add more people" mistake? It sounds like your focus might need to be on mending your home relationships, before indulging in the new crush.
 
They don't want you to be friends with someone you have a crush on? Geez, that's a bit harsh. You only told them about some mutual attraction, which may or may not last. The new guy's wife hasn't consented to anything more than friendship, so it is just an assumption they are making that a crush will lead anywhere else.

Do they think that polyfidelity means they get to veto any association they disprove of? Sounds to me like perhaps you want to discuss opening up the dynamic to allow for more involvements and how to handle it. Just because they say they will be out if that happens shouldn't mean they won't discuss what is underneath that kind of decision-making.
 
My wife said I love you to her g/f a lot of times and yet was not intimate with her unless I was part of it. She would do all the normal thing two women do to each other and then when they left the bedroom, they acted like best friends, not lovers. Never held hands or kissed outside of sex. So I understand what you said in your opening paragraph.

It worked for us for a few decades though. I think that the fact that they were best friends, first and foremost, is what made it last so long as the sex faded away with age.
 
Hi krysjah,

Just kind of adding to the good input/advice already given, but I have a question. This guy, whom you have a crush with. What are your plans with him? What do you see happening between you and him in the future? I remember you said things were getting pretty intense between you and him.

The other couple (GF, BF) in your quad: I am wondering if they were in touch with their feelings before now. I mean, maybe they wanted you to be exclusive to them, but they didn't realize that until now? I've often seen and heard of situations where someone thought they could handle something, only to find out, when it actually happened, that they couldn't handle it.

You'll have to figure out your own priorities in case you end up making a difficult choice in the future. We'll try to help on this end as much as we can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Update... there's a lot...

Well, since the last post, I had extensive conversations with the other half of the quad and I decided that at this point in time it was "too little too late" and that I couldn't be the person that they wanted in a relationship.

We decided to keep sex in the picture because they wanted to. GF and my hubby have always had a "friends with benefits" type thing, and that's not changing. I don't really involve myself in their relationship, or arrangement I guess, because it's between them.

BF and I discussed keeping that option on the table if the opportunity arises, although, personally, I'm not sure if that opportunity will arise... He's having a tough time dealing my decision, because it took me getting outside attention for him to realize that he does have feelings. But I'm willing to never say never.

So as of right now... the quad has been opened back up.

Now... current situation.

Hubby and I have been together for 10 years, and we've had our bumps, but always seem to be able to work through them, and have become REALLY good at constant communication throughout everything.

Our biggest issue (other than the typical money, etc ones) has been his motivation. For about 6 years now, it keeps coming back up that he is failing to succeed in furthering himself in life. At first it was due to just being indecisive about school and career and such, but then he finally decided on one, and started nursing school 2 years ago. I was so incredibly proud of him! During his second semester, we had issues with roommates and major financial stress, and this caused him to fail classes and get kicked out of the program. (Even though I told him over and over and over that I had it under control and that his full time job was school and school alone... but I understand that can be easier said than done...) I didn't beat him up about it at all... I tried to be as supportive as possible at the beginning of this year when he went through a major funk getting down on himself about school and the effect on his future. He told me recently that he was really surprised that I didn't leave him at the time. It was the furthest thing from my mind because I love him dearly and wanted to support him in his time of need.

But a month or so passed, and he was able to get out of his funk, so I encouraged him to look into other nursing programs. He kept putting it off for one reason or another, but I was trying to not "mommy" him and let him handle his own affairs as an adult, casually reminding him every once in awhile. We needed that time to get back on our feet as well, so I understood. Our goal was for him to start back up January 2015. So he was taking care of getting his transcripts sent over, and had a deadline of October 30 to have everything in.

Well he didn't make that deadline due to procrastination on his part, which will now delay him another couple of months... For the first time in our marriage, I gave him an ultimatum. (I HATE the idea of one, but felt as if it was a last resort to maybe get him to wake up.) He has one more chance... if school was delayed one more time due to his doing, then I would leave. I'm tired of pulling and being the only "go-getter" in the relationship. I just don't have the energy anymore to worry about both of us getting stuff done in order to be successful. At some point he needs to step up and make himself succeed.

But after that ultimatum, my mind started wandering to what it would be like if he failed to meet that.... and I felt ok about it. That was a red flag for me and scared me.

Now, going back to the new guy that this post was originally about... he and I have continued to become close... and while his wife is still not ok with it, he has confided in me that their marriage is rocky and has been for awhile... the school/motivation being one of the big things, and her being unable to unpack any of her baggage from long ago no matter how supportive he's tried to be, being another. Point is... he and I have discussed hypothetical situations of us end up together and realizing that we would be a very good and powerful couple together, which I know is very dangerous conversation, but I'm trying very very very hard to keep it separate from the issues with my husband. I've made it very clear to both him and Hubby that I will never leave Hubby for him and I expect the same from him. If Hubby and I split... it will be for our own issues, and again, I would expect the same from him. I have no desire to split up his marriage.

Back to Hubby.... he's been aware of the feelings for the new one ever since they first started, and we are still constantly communicating about everything for the past couple of weeks.

We are thinking that maybe it would be good for us to go separate ways in order to be able to fully concentrate on our own lives and successes (which, I didn't mention above, but I'm waiting to start my Master's degree until he's done with nursing school because we cannot afford to do both at the same time.) He thinks that he's holding me back (And so do my parents. Which is really tough to hear because I really value their input on things... :( ), and he's even told me that he's though about just letting me be with the new guy because he can offer so much more, which I quickly tell him no because if that is going to happen, it would be independent of any decision that hubby and I make.

I still love him... that has not changed throughout all of this, but I am faced with very very tough decisions in my near future and I just... my stomach is in knots just thinking about it sometimes.

Marriage is a big thing... and we're trying to exhaust all conversations and hypotheticals before making the final decision. I think we may even try counseling just so I can have that comfort of knowing we tried everything before going separate ways.

I don't even know if I have a question... just felt the need to update and see if anyone has any input into my situation.
 
I know NRE can be a powerful thing but I would suggest taking a step back from your crush and keeping him/a theoretical relationship with him out of your thought process regarding your marriage.
 
Even though you want to keep the new boyfriend potential relationship separate i t is hard to do. The what if's will play through your mind.

With that said I think the better ultimatum to your husband would have been "If you do not enroll in school by X, then I am going to enroll in my Masters program and you will have to wait until I am done before you continue". In my mind it aligns the consequence with the action more closely.

Mike
 
Your relationship with your husband has had some challenges and disappointments, as well as many wonderful things I am sure. It seems like he is such an unmotivated person that he is even willing to set aside the marriage instead of work on his issues for you both to grow as a team. He just may be someone who is okay with getting by in life with as little investment in it as possible. But that doesn't work for you.

Sometimes embarking into having multiple relationships illuminates existing problems in the long-standing ones. That doesn't mean that being poly or open caused those problems - but it helped to shed light on them.

I am often surprised how much people feel they need to hang on to a relationship that doesn't work anymore, just because there is a legally sanctioned acknowledgement of it on a piece of paper. I wanted to do that, but my husband needed out and said so. As much as it devastated me, several years ago, I now have an opportunity to create the life I want to live instead of how it was, always hoping for improvement on things that were going nowhere.

If I were you, I would separate from hubby and work on all the things you need to do to achieve and accomplish what you want in life, AND I would always be sure to check my motivations and expectations about the new relationship to make sure it is not influencing you. Yes, it can be done. It will take a lot of self-awareness and diligence on your part to compartmentalize things to a certain degree.

I don't see anything wrong with wanting a more solid and cohesive partnership than you have had, as long as you look at what is fantasy and what is reality. It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and can do this very thoughtfully. Many others would not be able to. I wish you all the love and luck in the world as you take the steps you feel you must!
 
I think what you are finding is that in many of these poly relationships as with a lot of things in life people are cool with what you are doing as long as they are getting something out of it. Your current bf and gf were cool with you and your husband swapping partners with them because they were getting something out of it too. They are not cool with you taking on another partner outside of them because they are not getting anything out of that relationship. It is jealousy and simple selfishness and that's really all there is to it. I hate to say this but the whole poly world is suppose to be about caring and sharing and leaving jealousy out if it but that rarely happens because humans have a very difficult time shedding selfishness.
 
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