FacingComplexity
New member
First of all, hi everybody! I've been a bit of a lurker, as I tend to be on occasion, and this is my first thread.
I wondered if I could get other people's opinions or thoughts on a situation I am in. Firstly, some background. I have been in my current relationship for 4-5 years. It started monogamously and semi-cohabiting, but after a couple of years, with the spectre of imminent geographical seperation looming large, we discussed an open relationship. After a few incidents of casually seeing other people for fun this turned, around a year later, into my partner starting to date another person. This has become a serious relationship, and they have been together for about a year; around half way through this relationship my partner and I moved in together; my metamour lives quite nearby and they see each other a few times a month. (Initially, they saw each other on a very casual basis, with 2-3 months between trips and pretty sporadic internet contact.)
Through all of this, I have had a bit of one-off/friends-with-benefits style fun with a couple of people, and my partner has had the same with a few more. At this point, my partner considers themselves to be polyamorous; I do not, and have (somewhat successfully) attempted to deal with my difficulties with polyamoury (all the usual stuff of jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity...) to maintain our relationship, which is still going very strong, but has a few relatively thorny issues strung in around between all of the good bits.
So, to the issue at hand: I am still not very comfortable with poly, and possibly in some ways never really will be; it will always be something that upsets me at times.
I've looked up all sorts of advice about how to deal with the pain of polyamourous relationships, and the consensus tends to be "sure, it's painful, but you get the benefit of being true to yourself, of being open about who you are without having to hide, and you get to date multiple people, so deal with the pain by appreciating the benefits." However, a lot of the time it feels like I get to deal with a lot of the pain, but don't feel any of the benefits - it's not an aspect of my life that I feel restricted about hiding, I would probably be very happy if our relationship had stayed monogamous, and even if I wanted to date multiple people (something I am open minded to trying) I haven't found anybody who would be interested.
Of course, I would like my partner to be happy, and also to stay with them, and sometimes I feel I have sacrificed having a monogamous relationship to be with them still, but sometimes it's hard to see what benefits I get alongside the additional heartache - it can feel like only I am compromising on the big things, and that can lead to me feeling devalued.
There is a side issue of feeling sexually attractive to people; my partner, my metamour and I share a large section of friendship group, and both of them are crushed on by a significant number of our mutual friends, while I am not; counting the situations I know of, there is one person besides my partner who has an interest in doing anything with me, while my partner currently has 8+ people interested in her besides me and my metamour, while her other partner is currently in 5 relationships, and has potential casual things with 2 more... I'm feeling a bit left out!
So, I know this is a bit of a splurge, and there is a decent chance I am making mountains out of molehills, but... does anybody have any helpful advice, general or otherwise, to help me handle this mound of silly feelings? I'm especially interested in thoughts from anybody who has had experience of being 'the less-attractive poly person', as while I know that I should be finding my self esteem from within, it has been really getting me down!
Thanks in advance,
FC
I wondered if I could get other people's opinions or thoughts on a situation I am in. Firstly, some background. I have been in my current relationship for 4-5 years. It started monogamously and semi-cohabiting, but after a couple of years, with the spectre of imminent geographical seperation looming large, we discussed an open relationship. After a few incidents of casually seeing other people for fun this turned, around a year later, into my partner starting to date another person. This has become a serious relationship, and they have been together for about a year; around half way through this relationship my partner and I moved in together; my metamour lives quite nearby and they see each other a few times a month. (Initially, they saw each other on a very casual basis, with 2-3 months between trips and pretty sporadic internet contact.)
Through all of this, I have had a bit of one-off/friends-with-benefits style fun with a couple of people, and my partner has had the same with a few more. At this point, my partner considers themselves to be polyamorous; I do not, and have (somewhat successfully) attempted to deal with my difficulties with polyamoury (all the usual stuff of jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity...) to maintain our relationship, which is still going very strong, but has a few relatively thorny issues strung in around between all of the good bits.
So, to the issue at hand: I am still not very comfortable with poly, and possibly in some ways never really will be; it will always be something that upsets me at times.
I've looked up all sorts of advice about how to deal with the pain of polyamourous relationships, and the consensus tends to be "sure, it's painful, but you get the benefit of being true to yourself, of being open about who you are without having to hide, and you get to date multiple people, so deal with the pain by appreciating the benefits." However, a lot of the time it feels like I get to deal with a lot of the pain, but don't feel any of the benefits - it's not an aspect of my life that I feel restricted about hiding, I would probably be very happy if our relationship had stayed monogamous, and even if I wanted to date multiple people (something I am open minded to trying) I haven't found anybody who would be interested.
Of course, I would like my partner to be happy, and also to stay with them, and sometimes I feel I have sacrificed having a monogamous relationship to be with them still, but sometimes it's hard to see what benefits I get alongside the additional heartache - it can feel like only I am compromising on the big things, and that can lead to me feeling devalued.
There is a side issue of feeling sexually attractive to people; my partner, my metamour and I share a large section of friendship group, and both of them are crushed on by a significant number of our mutual friends, while I am not; counting the situations I know of, there is one person besides my partner who has an interest in doing anything with me, while my partner currently has 8+ people interested in her besides me and my metamour, while her other partner is currently in 5 relationships, and has potential casual things with 2 more... I'm feeling a bit left out!
So, I know this is a bit of a splurge, and there is a decent chance I am making mountains out of molehills, but... does anybody have any helpful advice, general or otherwise, to help me handle this mound of silly feelings? I'm especially interested in thoughts from anybody who has had experience of being 'the less-attractive poly person', as while I know that I should be finding my self esteem from within, it has been really getting me down!
Thanks in advance,
FC