The mono-poly blues

First of all, hi everybody! I've been a bit of a lurker, as I tend to be on occasion, and this is my first thread.

I wondered if I could get other people's opinions or thoughts on a situation I am in. Firstly, some background. I have been in my current relationship for 4-5 years. It started monogamously and semi-cohabiting, but after a couple of years, with the spectre of imminent geographical seperation looming large, we discussed an open relationship. After a few incidents of casually seeing other people for fun this turned, around a year later, into my partner starting to date another person. This has become a serious relationship, and they have been together for about a year; around half way through this relationship my partner and I moved in together; my metamour lives quite nearby and they see each other a few times a month. (Initially, they saw each other on a very casual basis, with 2-3 months between trips and pretty sporadic internet contact.)

Through all of this, I have had a bit of one-off/friends-with-benefits style fun with a couple of people, and my partner has had the same with a few more. At this point, my partner considers themselves to be polyamorous; I do not, and have (somewhat successfully) attempted to deal with my difficulties with polyamoury (all the usual stuff of jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity...) to maintain our relationship, which is still going very strong, but has a few relatively thorny issues strung in around between all of the good bits.

So, to the issue at hand: I am still not very comfortable with poly, and possibly in some ways never really will be; it will always be something that upsets me at times.

I've looked up all sorts of advice about how to deal with the pain of polyamourous relationships, and the consensus tends to be "sure, it's painful, but you get the benefit of being true to yourself, of being open about who you are without having to hide, and you get to date multiple people, so deal with the pain by appreciating the benefits." However, a lot of the time it feels like I get to deal with a lot of the pain, but don't feel any of the benefits - it's not an aspect of my life that I feel restricted about hiding, I would probably be very happy if our relationship had stayed monogamous, and even if I wanted to date multiple people (something I am open minded to trying) I haven't found anybody who would be interested.

Of course, I would like my partner to be happy, and also to stay with them, and sometimes I feel I have sacrificed having a monogamous relationship to be with them still, but sometimes it's hard to see what benefits I get alongside the additional heartache - it can feel like only I am compromising on the big things, and that can lead to me feeling devalued.

There is a side issue of feeling sexually attractive to people; my partner, my metamour and I share a large section of friendship group, and both of them are crushed on by a significant number of our mutual friends, while I am not; counting the situations I know of, there is one person besides my partner who has an interest in doing anything with me, while my partner currently has 8+ people interested in her besides me and my metamour, while her other partner is currently in 5 relationships, and has potential casual things with 2 more... I'm feeling a bit left out!

So, I know this is a bit of a splurge, and there is a decent chance I am making mountains out of molehills, but... does anybody have any helpful advice, general or otherwise, to help me handle this mound of silly feelings? I'm especially interested in thoughts from anybody who has had experience of being 'the less-attractive poly person', as while I know that I should be finding my self esteem from within, it has been really getting me down!

Thanks in advance,
FC
 
I am sorry you struggle.

How is you calling your feelings silly self respectful? It will be hard to hold yourself in high regard and proud of your choices and behaviors if one of them is calling you names. :( feeling jealous and left out are not some of the more fun feelings to have, but they are not silly. They just are whether they are. Nobody expects mad, sad, scared, left out, etc to feel like happy, excited, joyful, etc. Some feelings are fun. Some are not. They all pass.

Ditto sitting around comparing how many people hit on or crush on your partners vs you. Your worth is not determined by outside people. It is determined by you. Putting yourself down and casting yourself as "less than" is a behavior that is hard to feel proud of. :(

I would work on those behaviors. Could cut it out so you can start to feel better. It is ok to answer back... Not let the inner critic voice take over.

Feelings just are. Let them blow on through. You are not your feelings or your thoughts. You are the person doing the thinking and experiencing the feelings. To me feelings ensue after behavior. And if a part of the the yucky feelings stem from your thinking patterns of negative self talk... Could work on that then.

It sounds like you could be (monoamorous and polysexual.) Your partner is (polyamorous and polysexual.) Other than the negative self talk, that sounds like the thing your wrestle with. Did you agree to something you did not really want and you would have preferred to stay monogamous?

If so, could stop agreeing to do things you do not want to do. If you agreed from fear of losing him? Making choices based on fears is not a good way to go. It is better to make choices based on happiness. If you know you are happier in a monogamous shape and partner is not up for that, it is sad to end it. But it frees you up to seek what does make you happy.... The monogamous shape you are after with someone who wants the same.

If you are happy here, accept it is what it is. You are monoamorous, partner is polyamorous. If you need reassurance and reaffirming of love so you can feel better, simply ask for it.

I am not too sure at which place you are at. Could do some soul searching, be totally honest with yourself about what you want most, and then go for that.

Galagirl
 
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Hi GalaGirl, thanks for your reply.

You make a fair point about respecting myself and my feelings - I guess that I know that having these feelings is an understandable and natural thing, but I know that a lot of the basis for them is neither logical nor productive, and it is sometimes hard not to get frustrated at the extent to which they affect my mental state.

I do need to do more to not view myself as lesser. I know that in truth I do have a lot to offer and am a valuable person in my own right, but I think I am always too good at only noticing the arenas in which I am less successful/well-regarded than others, particularly when those arenas are more social and visible to other people. I do work hard on beating back my inner critic, but it's about finding the balance between knowing I am fighting an unfair inner critic and feeling like I am sticking my head in the sand about not being the way I want to be instead of trying to change that. (It's not that the way I am is lesser, but it's not necessarily the way I want to be - which, sadly, is a way of being exemplified by my metamour in a lot of ways.)

Thank you for the advice about working on the behaviour and letting the feelings flow from that.

What you say about monoamorous/polysexual may well fit me, yes. I did agree to something that at the time I didn't really understand, because of my love for my partner and my desire to support them in their own desires; this is something that I have in a number of ways accepted, and though I might not make the choice to open up again were I to go through that situation a second time, and although I am relatively sure that my current life experience would be better if my partner were not polyamorous in behaviour, I don't feel that that is a (fair, or realistic) option and I think being with them and still having difficulties here is by far the better option than not being with them at all.

Regarding separation, I have been unclear - initially we (effectively) cohabited in a mono relationship for ~2 years. We then lived separately, having discussed open relationships, and my partner explored that a bit. About a year into that, my partner met someone and started dating, and they are now together. A year later, my partner and I moved in together and that has been the situation since then. There is a chance that if my partner moved for work, they could end up living with my metamour, and this is scary even though it is unlikely.

I think I do make some choices based on fear, in part - because I obviously don't want to lose what is the most important element in my life. but these choices are also based on wanting my partner to be happy, too - it feels awful to be restricting them, and if I had the choice between accepting more compromises and staying together, or refusing to compromise and my partner then either feeling miserable or leaving me, I'd pick the former, as it seems the happiest option for me.
One difficulty is my partner is very passionate, and tends to feel extremes of happiness/sadness about things - so it is very easy to think "well, my acceptance of this compromise will mean more to them than it hurts me" about things that with someone else I might stand firm on. I also think it is the case that although my partner loves me a great deal, they would probably find it easier to leave me if I wanted to compromise less, especially as they have another relationship (this may not be fair, but it is what it feels like and I do not have experience of this situation) but also because they are just kore hard-headed about relationships than me; this is only my second relationship so this has been very much a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me; I have no sense of 'I'll find somebody else'
 
Hi FacingComplexity, and welcome!

If this helps, I too struggle with the "think about the benefits" argument. My girlfriend, for instance, often says to me "Instead of feeling bad about what you don't have, think about all the benefits you get from me being with my other partners." I scratch my head and think, "What benefits, exactly?" This approach does absolutely nothing for me. If what you're largely dealing with is pain, this argument is not going to work for you either. There is no use in attempting to persuade yourself to be ok with something - you either feel good about something or you don't. If you had another person you were in love with, you may feel the benefits greatly. Since you don't, I'd be hard-pressed to say that you are currently benefiting from poly in terms of the love stuff.

However, if you want to remain in this poly relationship and want to find something you can relate to, consider other possible benefits. For instance, I believe that being poly helps me to face my demons head-on. I don't always fully overcome them, but I'd rather face them. Secondly, I struggle with trust in monogamous relationship, so I'd rather have everything out in the open the way that (effective) poly allows. Thirdly, to be frank, I like the idea of having the potential to find other people that are good matches for me. The idea of committing my entire life to one person when there are no guarantees that it will last a lifetime worries me. I'd rather have a number of options. Does this mean I'm always comfortable with poly? Far from it. But these are the reasons I choose to continue. These are some of the potential benefits you might find in being poly.

Moving on to your struggles with feeling like the unattractive one compared to your partner and metamour. Yes, I've been there. For various reasons, including sexual orientation, my girlfriend generally gets more attention than I do. At the same time, she needs/seeks attention from more people than I need/seek... That's something to think about. ;) Of course I've had periods where I've struggled with how much romantic activity and attention my GF gets compared to me, so I completely understand what you are feeling.

Crucially, I've noticed that the less confident I feel within myself, and the more unsure I am of myself and what I want, the less appealing I am to others. This stuff comes across. I've recently been striking out, both online and in person. I was feeling despondent. I asked my GF for her opinion. What she said to me was a revelation: "Baby, I'm trying to think of the right way to say this... I think you may be coming across as snobby. Your body language at events is closed-off - you fold your arms, have your back to the room, you don't smile at people. You used to be very warm in public, but something has changed in you and you seem quite pulled-back now."

As soon as I heard this, I realised she was completely right. I was shocked! It was all true. About a week later, we went to an event in the city. I made a conscious decision to SMILE, stop folding my arms, and say hello to everyone I met, regardless of whether I found them attractive or not. In fact, I found nobody attractive at the event, but ended up making four new male acquaintances; one of whom is likely to become a pretty good friend. I stopped focusing on "I must find another partner" and started refocusing on "I should be warm to everyone I meet." I offer this to you to consider. A huge part of instant attractiveness is about being *inviting*.

Finally, your feelings are not silly. Of course you feel bummed out. You are sharing your girlfriend with someone else, while currently giving her your undivided love and attention. You are not sure you want to be poly, yet you are in a poly relationship. You are hoping to persuade yourself to be ok with poly through the benefits of it, yet you are not receiving any benefits. When you look at finding a more serious second partner for yourself, you feel that the odds are against you. Your current situation isn't giving you good feelings, and you are actually going against what serves you because you can't relate to it. You are choosing to be poly for your girlfriend's benefit. You are choosing to serve your girlfriend, instead of yourself. That's going to cause hits to your sense of self.

I know that it's difficult not to look to others to build your own self-esteem. In truth, I believe that a great deal of our self-image comes from the way other affirm us. If a partner tells us that we're beautiful, we feel beautiful. There's nothing wrong with being affirmed by others. However, the reason your sense of self-esteem is shaking when you are not affirmed by others is that it hasn't been developed enough by you! A solid sense of self is so important to your long-term happiness!

I would definitely recommend reading some self-esteem-building books, or taking a course or two. Check YouTube too - many coaches and therapists have YouTube channels covering this stuff. Also, *do* things that make you feel proud of yourself. Learn a language, put a shelf up, start a hobby business, volunteer, take a class on your own. All of these things will lead you to feel better from within, which will undoubtedly help you to deal with troubles that come your way.

Ultimately, please do remember that if polyamory simply doesn't serve you well or feel good to you, there is no shame in deciding to leave it alone. Polyamory is not some kind of higher existence only practiced by more-evolved people. My advice is to turn your focus inward - try thinking less about your relationship with your partner and more about your relationship with yourself. Try it for a month and see if you notice any changes!
 
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As poly, I too am offended by that "My being poly benefits you." I'm not poly to bring you benefits but because I care for multiple people. Or maybe just one. Depends on who is in my life.
 
Hi candiedlove,

Maybe I should reframe that part then - because I understand and agree with what you say and I am certainly not viewing my partner's polyamoury as something designed to benefit me!
I posted what I did because lots of the advice about dealing with the difficulties of poly seems to say 'think about the benefits that come with the difficulties of this relationship structure' - my point was not that my partner being poly was about me, but that personally not being poly but being in a poly relationship, I have a bunch of what feels like 'additional' difficulty to deal with while the situation doesn't bring me the typical warm fuzzies to go with that - i.e. it can just be hard being a mono-ish person choosing to love within a poly relationship structure. Consequently I wondered if anybody knew of any good aspects typical to poly that I may be discounting, that could help inform my life decisions - because I want to choose to be in a relationship that is good for both me and my partner, and in that situation it is silly to overlook my own good fortune.

Hi Sparklepop,

Thanks for your reply, I found it really helpful. :) Focussing on the personal growth I probably wouldn't experience to such an extent in a mono relationship is something I've thought about a bit before, but maybe not so explicitly - good advice! I don't know that I share your other difficulties with trust, per se, but poly has helped me really *appreciate* how much I am trusting my partner, so there's maybe that from the other side. I do appreciate the freedom that I can meet people and be able to get to know them free of some of the bounds of monogamous tradition, although perhaps I find that hard to admit to myself.

Thank you also for your point about striking out and being warm. :) I think that is probably something I can do. Also, I attend most social events with my partner, and I am maybe too focused on them at these occasions, while they are happier to strike out on their own - possibly this is something I need to change if I want to meet more people independently.

The last bits of your post about self-esteem building and the factors that are currently negatively impacting it - particularly that I am consciously putting my partner's needs in this situation before my own, something I hadn't considered as negatively impacting my self esteem - are also really helpful. But I will take your advice and try to concentrate on building my self esteem and sense of self independently of my relationship more - thanks.

Thank you all for your comments, all of you have said useful and helpful things!
FC
 
I'm just going to lift some things up that pop out at me in case seeing them helps you keeping sorting out your thoughts, ok?

I think being with them and still having difficulties here is by far the better option than not being with them at all.

this is only my second relationship so this has been very much a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me; I have no sense of 'I'll find somebody else'

Are you saying you fear never finding love again if you break it off yourself? So you rather make do with (kinda-fits) than seek (fits-really-well)? That seems to continue the trend of thinking/treating yourself as "less than" and "better be happy with what I can get, cuz I probably won't get better." :(

if I had the choice between accepting more compromises and staying together, or refusing to compromise and my partner then either feeling miserable or leaving me, I'd pick the former, as it seems the happiest option for me.

You have been doing that, and find yourself unhappy enough to post on a board seeking help. So is it safe to say you don't find this way of going satisfying and happiness-making for you? :(

One difficulty is my partner is very passionate, and tends to feel extremes of happiness/sadness about things - so it is very easy to think "well, my acceptance of this compromise will mean more to them than it hurts me" about things that with someone else I might stand firm on.

Just to clarify.... are you saying you are willing to be hurt in a polyamorous shape you aren't thrilled with because it is better than ending it and starting to date again elsewhere? You prefer to subsume yourself to the relationship? :confused:

Why is your partner not dealing with their emotional management themselves? I do not call extremes "passionate." It sounds more like bipolar or moody or whatever else can cause that up and down drama to me. I think it is not your job to do their emotional management. It is theirs. Could stand firm anyway, and encourage/expect partner to become more capable. Keeping them "helpless" by solving their stuff for them isn't really helping them any. It's enabling the mood swing drama to continue. :(

If you are allowing yourself to get sucked into propping them up when normally with other people you would say no? That's not healthy for you. That can get to be a drain, and an easy way to lose your sense of self. :(

It's ok if one of your love languages is "service toward others." You express your love via acts of service for the partner. It works out well when you have a partner who is the same style -- you serve them, they serve you, it is fair and equal and both are happy. But if you pair up with someone who wants to BE served, it becomes feeding the bottomless pit, and nothing for you in return? Not so hot for you then. :(

I also think it is the case that although my partner loves me a great deal, they would probably find it easier to leave me if I wanted to compromise less, especially as they have another relationship

Just to clarify...

Are you saying your partner having another partner makes you more "dumpable" if you are honest about how you feel and what you want?
Are you saying you give in to their wants/needs so they are more willing to stick around to be with you?
Are you calling that behavior "compromise" when really it is being "selfless" and then that behavior weighs you down? :confused:

I'm trying to understand where you are coming from here. But FWIW, I think it is better to be self-full. On the spectrum of

selfish <---> self full <--> selfless​

self-full is the healthier, balanced place to me.

  • selfish -- where you expect everyone to cater to your wants and needs first. Screw you attending to yours, or you helping with theirs. You value you higher than anyone else.
  • self full -- where you expect you to meet your own needs first so you do not run dry. (Like in a plane, you put your own oxygen mask on first.) Then you gift your help to others to help them meet their needs. It is truly a gift, and not a drain on your resources. (Be unwise to help others on the plane and drop dead from not doing your mask first, right?) You value yourself on equal footing to others.
  • selfless -- where you expect you to meet everyone else's needs first. Screw you attending to your needs, it is all about theirs. You value everyone else higher than you.

Is it possible you are being too selfless here, and have lost your sense of self? Do you need to get back into better balance?

Galagirl
 
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Hi GalaGirl,

Thanks for replying again. I'll try to address your questions in order.

1) I don't think I fear never finding love again when I *think* about it - I know that's not realistic. However, it only feels sensible to presume this might be a feeling that affects my decision-making in some ways, because even though I can *know* it's not true, the situation feels unique. I don't know how much I am making do with "kinda-fits", because I feel it's reasonable to conclude that nobody is a perfect match, and aside from difficulties relating to polyamoury my partner and I match very well indeed - it still feels like it's going strong nearly half a decade in, and when I'm not worrying about all of this stuff (which is not all the time) I am very happy... I guess I just go through phases of worry and phases of happiness? I maybe do think that I could theoretically find another person who 'matches better', but that not only does this seem unlikely, it also seems a terrible reason to even consider ending what I have - it seems far too selfish, as nobody is a perfect match.

2) "You have been doing that, and find yourself unhappy enough to post on a board seeking help. So is it safe to say you don't find this way of going satisfying and happiness-making for you?"
Hm, I don't know. As I said above, I think I go through phases, and have to take the good with the bad, to some extent. Sometimes I am very unhappy with parts of it, but I also feel that I can get used to things more and know that at other times I do just feel fine. It'd be simpler if I felt this way all of the time, but I know that I do not, even if it *feels* like I do in the moment.

3) "Just to clarify.... are you saying you are willing to be hurt in a polyamorous shape you aren't thrilled with because it is better than ending it and starting to date again elsewhere? You prefer to subsume yourself to the relationship?"
...maybe? I have an appreciation that with the difficulties comes a great deal of joy, love and trust, and that is something that I would like to keep in my life. It seems foolish to believe that I am not affected by my lack of equivalent relationship experience, but I really do feel that what I have is incredibly precious, and whether that's affected by my inexperience or not, it 's still correct to a large degree.

4) My partner dealing with emotional management - maybe you have a point here. I know that my partner does deal with their emotions, but not perfectly, and I don't think it's fair to say it is bipolar-esque; possibly I have overstated the extent to which this is an issue, I know I have a tendency to work myself up. Maybe I do need to stand firmer here; what you say above about being 'self full' is an interesting way to think explicitly about it. I think the problem here is much more my difficulty in dealing with strong emotion than a problem with my partners' management of the same - I need to stop jumping for ways to make the immediate distress of my partner being upset go away, even if that means I have a lower-level but still significant distress in a longer-term sense. But perhaps I also need to frame this in terms of self-discovery and expanding myself in the ways I would like to develop; I do have difficulties with poly things, but to the extent that these are down to insecurity and controlling aspects of my personality, I feel that I would be a better person if I could change these aspects of myself. This feels a bit like 'dealing with my own sh*t' and not letting it impinge on my partner's freedom. I could deal with the current difficulties by leaving the relationship, but that doesn't solve the underlying personality traits I would like to alter by working through it.

I maybe do sometimes allow myself to get sucked into helping my partner at expense of myself, more than with other people - but that feels a complex interaction with the fact that I love them to bits at the base of it. I do work on trying to make sure that I am maintaining my sense of self also, and I think I am getting better there; I am only 23, so I guess I feel that there is time for me to improve there and build myself into the person I want to be.

Love languages - this isn't a term I've heard before really, except on this forum. I think that this is maybe true in *some* ways, but it's definitely not the case that I don't get things in return. I don't really know what to think about this bit, so maybe I'll just leave it processing and mull over it for a while.

Being 'dumpable' - I think that when I said this I was getting a bit worked up. I think it's the case that my partner has a better support network in their partner and close friends, while I am a bit more isolated - I think maybe that rather than them finding it easier to dump me, I would find it harder to dump them, if that makes sense? I think that it would be incredibly hard for either of us though - I know I can tend towards the dramatic overstatement when upset, and I *do* know that my partner loves me very much. Maybe I have more of a tendency to think "if there is love there, you make it work together" and my partner has more of a tencency to think that "love isn't always enough, if it means compromising on the rest of your needs in life".

I think there is an element of compromise, and an element of selflessness i my relationship, and this feels to be a good thing. I don't necessarily think that I compromise too much, but sometimes I wish my partner felt willing to compromise more; that said, I know that it is much easier for me to see the sacrifices I make than the sacrifices that they make for me. I don't think that either of us is being either selfish or selfless according to your model, but maybe there is a discrepancy in terms of exactly where we balance in the middle?

I am a very rambling poster, in part because I have a very rambling brain about all of this - I'm sorry about that! I do appreciate all of your advice, though I feel that this reply might seem a bit argumentative, which it's not meant to be! I think that I technically *do* think along a lot of the lines you suggest might be helpful, and do try to change my behaviour in these ways, but that I am not terribly consistent in these aims and I tend to lose track of them - your advice has helped me bring it to the front of my mind and think about how to do this a bit more.

Thank you for helping me organise my brain. :)
FC
 
I don't think you sound argumentative. To me you sound uncertain, unassertive, timid.

For myself? I think more like your partner... Love is not enough if needs go unmet.

IME, while relationships do involve some compromise, it is not struggle work like "we have to make this work." It just flows more naturally. It is not normal for me to spend half the time happy and half the time worrying in my relationships.

I get that it is easier to make a decision if you feel worried all the time. That is a 0% happy. In terms of school grades, 0% happy is an F. The worst F you can get. To me 50% happy is still an F though. A better F than a 0% F, but still F. 50% happy is not enough for me. I only get one life to live.

No relationship is problem free, but for me I rather be hitting at least a 75% happy for a solid C average and prefer more like a B or A.

If you are worried about not having support and realize you have let your other relationships fizzle out, could create the support, make friends. This is healthy for you even whether or not you are romantically involved.

I see that you worry your outlook is colored by your feelings or inexperience. The only thing I can think of to suggest is to keep a journal. Then count it up. X upsets in three months, six months, a year? Then you can view it with some distance rather than only when it is happening when you evaluate. You could determine how often you are up for upset in a relationship and how often you are not up for it now. Make your personal standard. Then later you could evaluate from the journal if what you do experience is ok or too much against your personal standard.

Figuring out what personal standards are in many life areas to me is the main business of the late teens and 20s -- what you will keep from your family of origin, what you will not, etc. You become more your own person, with your own thoughts, your own values, etc.

Galagirl
 
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As you have laid out your lifestyle you will have many problems and probably will be at forums like this asking questions for years if not the rest of your life unless you change a few things. This lifestyle does not suit you from the analysis I can make if your personality based on what you have said so far. You fall into the poly 99 percenters as I call them. 99% of the people that want to be poly must have certain aspects to be successful. I believe whether it is a triad or a quad each person must consciously care enough to work hard to make things equal and show they want to share every detail with each other equally or it will eventually fail. An example would be say you have a quad where one partner has a strong sexual chemistry with a partner from the other couple, especially if it is a male and female. This happens a lot since it would be unrealistic too think in swapping that each couple would have the same sexual intensity. This will be noticed by the other two people involved and to thwart jealousy and resentment and hurt feelings those two people with the high sexual chemistry must make sure that while enjoying each other they also turn to the other two and share their intensity with them. You absolutely must make everyone in the relationship feel equal and this responsibility actually falls on the person or persons in the relationship that are getting the most attention for whatever reason. Obviously that person must be the giving type. This is why poly relationships are hard. Many people are not equipted to be that unselfish. Then of course there are the 1 percenters that can have all kinds of craziness and unequal partnering going on and they could care less. Very rare people but regardless you are absolutely not one of those people so in your current situation you are simply not going to find peace.
 
.... I believe that being poly helps me to face my demons head-on. I don't always fully overcome them, but I'd rather face them.

...There's nothing wrong with being affirmed by others. However, the reason your sense of self-esteem is shaking when you are not affirmed by others is that it hasn't been developed enough by you! A solid sense of self is so important to your long-term happiness!

...Ultimately, please do remember that if polyamory simply doesn't serve you well or feel good to you, there is no shame in deciding to leave it alone. Polyamory is not some kind of higher existence only practiced by more-evolved people. My advice is to turn your focus inward - try thinking less about your relationship with your partner and more about your relationship with yourself. Try it for a month and see if you notice any changes!


Wise words from sparklepop.

If we base our security on what other people do or say, we've got a foundation built on shifting sands. If we base our security on our own confidence and positive self-image, we've got fertile ground and a lush garden from which all good things can grow. This is true whether we're poly, mono or purple - poly just shines a bright spotlight on our own inner life. People who feel stable no matter the degree of their partners' attention are not magical creatures living some higher life nor are they part of some elite 1%. They simply have chosen to focus on the value of their own inner being and what is good and wanted in themselves and in others, as opposed to focusing on what is missing. This mind set is available to anyone who chooses to practise and develop it. My experience is that the key to a joyful poly life is a focus upon shoring up my own self worth. Jealousy and insecurity are simply signals that my sense of self is slipping a bit, not personality traits that are set in stone. When I get myself back up to my normal level of self esteem, my jealousy and insecurity fade away and I feel the loving winds of freedom once again. Loving words and loving acts flow plentiful when I'm living in confidence and self-worth and I do not look to anyone outside of myself to make this shift. My experience of poly is that I'm given the opportunity to hone this perspective in a way that helps me bring a solid sense of self to all of my relationships. Building relationships on the solid ground of self-worth is not something only "successful" poly people do, it's the foundation of all good, lasting, loving connections.
 
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