Poly possible

Happymarriage

New member
Hi, new here. I have recently begun discussing a possibly poly life with my husband. It's obvious he would like to have sex with someone else and I do too. Let me start, we have an awesome marriage, trust completely, and a good sex life. I've told him many times in the past, usually when drunk or hormonal from being pregnant that I didn't care if he went and slept with someone else as long as he comes home to me and I actually mean it. So being of sober mind and lots of thought lately I have reopened the discussion. I would like to 1) invite another woman into bed with us 2) let him sleep with someone else and hear about it 3) slee0 with someone else myself. I'm waiting to talk with him fully about it, but I was wondering if there were any happily married people here who just decided they wanted more sexual variety and poly is working for them. Thanks!
 
Welcome to the forum.

I'm new here also, and your situation seems similar to mine. My wife and I are in the contemplative stages of opening up a long-term monogamous marriage. I don't have a lot of insight to offer you in terms of actual experience with it as yet, but I'll be curious to follow your progression and I'll do my best to weigh in with any insights I might stumble upon.

Once again, welcome.
 
Welcome to the forum.

I'm new here also, and your situation seems similar to mine. My wife and I are in the contemplative stages of opening up a long-term monogamous marriage. I don't have a lot of insight to offer you in terms of actual experience with it as yet, but I'll be curious to follow your progression and I'll do my best to weigh in with any insights I might stumble upon.

Once again, welcome.

Thanks! I will definitely be checking back in and reporting. My thing is I am not sure what I am interested in is really poly. I'm more interested in casual sex in and outside of marriage but not so much having exterior full on relationships. It's all so confusing to me still.
 
Thanks! I will definitely be checking back in and reporting. My thing is I am not sure what I am interested in is really poly. I'm more interested in casual sex in and outside of marriage but not so much having exterior full on relationships. It's all so confusing to me still.

Again, this sounds a lot like my situation. My [very early] take on this forum is that most of the activity is geared toward those who are looking for or engaged in longer term, formal poly arrangements and less toward open marriages, casual sex, etc. But you can definitely find helpful insights into the latter as well.

If you ever want to share your insights, experience, etc., feel free to PM me also.
 
Welcome to the forums.

I'm relatively new here myself, but the more senior members will have tons of advice. Some of the recent threads in this forum center around opening up to polyamory. Maybe you'll find some of it useful.

Good luck,
Shaya.
 
Greetings Happymarriage,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I don't think you have to be completely poly to fit in here, the important thing is that you want to do nonmonogamy ethically. We'll be glad to answer any questions you may have, and hope you'll find the connections you desire/are looking for.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Have you looked into swinging? There are whole communities for this.

Also, I would say, it is ok to have the aim of opening for casual sex, but I would advise couples not to make RULES against feelings. I would advise people to try to be easygoing about it...and realize that what we see as "a relationship" is usually a whole LOT of pieces bundled together. Doing ethical non-mono, often means unbundling them, and deciding what you can do, and what you can't.

So when it comes to things we call "escalator" (the "relationship escalator" is a term meaning all the milestones most people try to hit as they progress through a relationship, to include dates, first kiss, sex, meeting family, moving in, etc etc)....the escalator stuff, you can say you're not up for that with other partners. Right, you're not looking for any brother-husbands, sister-wives, or unicorn-thirds, to move in and be part of the family. That is fine, and it makes sense to disclose that to partners, so they know that if they are seeking that, you're not a good match.

But saying "no feelings allowed, only sex" is often a bad idea because feelings can creep up on us. They often happen whether we want them to, or not. And getting mad at a partner for "breaking" that rule, is...unproductive.

However, feelings, even stated love, does NOT mean that anybody has to ride the escalator. That is so important. Love isn't a trap!

Personally, in a situation like this, I'd go for sexual variety, but be open to warm feelings, even intense feelings if they happen, but take a view that whatever "relationships" (again, NOT escalator relationships--nobody is picking out china here!) form, will run a natural course for however long and evolve as need be. In my experience, either the outside partner will eventually want something more serious with someone more available and they'll move on, or else the thing will evolve into friendship, or it will just sort of fade out. Doing it that way is easier, and probably safer, in my opinion, than just having sex with people you barely know and meet just for sex.

Feelings, and love, are just by-products of getting to know and appreciate another person. It's nice to know and appreciate the people that we are intimate with. I'm not that into sex without intimacy, I find it lacking and boring. All this is just my long, roundabout way of saying...don't be scared of feelings, or "relationships." You get to write the script however you want.
 
Casual sex with multiple partners seems to be more common than polyamory. A book I haven't read but seems to be recommended for couples who are considering an open marriage is "opening up" by Tristan taormino. If youre in no rush, this book may help you and your partner decide what type of non monogamy you want. A perhaps shorter or less thorough approach that I found online was this.

https://freaksexual.com/2008/03/22/practical-nonmonogamy-tips-ii/amp/

There's a somewhat humorous Venn diagram showing the different forms of non monogamy here
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=87189
 
Have you looked into swinging? There are whole communities for this.

Also, I would say, it is ok to have the aim of opening for casual sex, but I would advise couples not to make RULES against feelings. I would advise people to try to be easygoing about it...and realize that what we see as "a relationship" is usually a whole LOT of pieces bundled together. Doing ethical non-mono, often means unbundling them, and deciding what you can do, and what you can't.

So when it comes to things we call "escalator" (the "relationship escalator" is a term meaning all the milestones most people try to hit as they progress through a relationship, to include dates, first kiss, sex, meeting family, moving in, etc etc)....the escalator stuff, you can say you're not up for that with other partners. Right, you're not looking for any brother-husbands, sister-wives, or unicorn-thirds, to move in and be part of the family. That is fine, and it makes sense to disclose that to partners, so they know that if they are seeking that, you're not a good match.

But saying "no feelings allowed, only sex" is often a bad idea because feelings can creep up on us. They often happen whether we want them to, or not. And getting mad at a partner for "breaking" that rule, is...unproductive.

However, feelings, even stated love, does NOT mean that anybody has to ride the escalator. That is so important. Love isn't a trap!

Personally, in a situation like this, I'd go for sexual variety, but be open to warm feelings, even intense feelings if they happen, but take a view that whatever "relationships" (again, NOT escalator relationships--nobody is picking out china here!) form, will run a natural course for however long and evolve as need be. In my experience, either the outside partner will eventually want something more serious with someone more available and they'll move on, or else the thing will evolve into friendship, or it will just sort of fade out. Doing it that way is easier, and probably safer, in my opinion, than just having sex with people you barely know and meet just for sex.

Feelings, and love, are just by-products of getting to know and appreciate another person. It's nice to know and appreciate the people that we are intimate with. I'm not that into sex without intimacy, I find it lacking and boring. All this is just my long, roundabout way of saying...don't be scared of feelings, or "relationships." You get to write the script however you want.

Thank you! This was EXACTLY what I needed to read. We have made decision to open up our marriage essentially. We are both leary of the feelings but I like how you put it as the escalator, that makes perfect sense, but we are both interested in living more fulfilling sex lives. We are also open to swinging and have some friends of ours that we may ask this weekend as we are both attracted to them. So who knows! I feel anxious and nervous at thought of sharing myself in any way with anyone else after so long and excited as well. I do hope we find a unicorn in a sense that we can share in a relationship with but not live in, more casual. Thanks again for your response!!
 
Thank you! This was EXACTLY what I needed to read. We have made decision to open up our marriage essentially. We are both leary of the feelings but I like how you put it as the escalator, that makes perfect sense, but we are both interested in living more fulfilling sex lives. We are also open to swinging and have some friends of ours that we may ask this weekend as we are both attracted to them. So who knows! I feel anxious and nervous at thought of sharing myself in any way with anyone else after so long and excited as well. I do hope we find a unicorn in a sense that we can share in a relationship with but not live in, more casual. Thanks again for your response!!

You're welcome, glad it was helpful! Try not to be scared of feelings. Just remember--feelings do not mean anybody has to DO anything. Feelings help us to relate and connect, and to feel alive! No one's feelings convey ownership, and love is the most infinite of the resources you can give. There is the old poly illustration that a mother can have a second child, and love the first all the same. Similarly, if you find yourself feeling loving towards a new partner, that is ok. It doesn't diminish how you feel for your existing partner.

Time, money and energy are your finite resources...not love.

And whether it needs mentioning or not, remember to stay safe. Whether that is condoms or safewords...take the precautions that are appropriate.

Best wishes! :)
 
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