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  #11  
Old 04-06-2019, 06:03 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I am in an open cohabitating Vee (not triad) and we DO get asked about sleeping arrangements sometimes by people who are "in the know". (Especially if they have been to our house - 1 bedroom). Can't say it bothers me at all...just seems like innocent practical curiosity.

We all have different wake/sleep cycles. I LOVE sleeping in between my two boys (and any guests!) in our king-size bed with the dog at my feet. But..MrS snores like a dragon and Dude has terrible heartburn (and prefers to sleep partially upright) so..usually Dude sleeps on the couch (by choice). If Dude happens to falls asleep with me then occasionally MrS sleeps on the couch (we have a few). No worries.

Then again, we also, on rare occasions, engage in group sex (a treat for me, as I get ALL of the attention if it is just the three of us). And we do "share" partners if that's the way things work out. So I get that people are curious about that as well.

To be fair, I am a champion sleeper - multiple bedmates, restless people (or dogs), snorers, strangers, sleeping alone, on the couch, on the floor, in a tent, noise, lights - whatever! I admit that, as a person who enjoys sleeping with others, that I find it odd when someone chooses to sleep alone, when they could be cuddled up - but...their choice.

People (including guests) have options if they do/don't want to sleep with others. (Currently in the process of replacing all of the couches with futons/sofa beds to expand those options).
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JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (26+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (8+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-06-2019 at 06:17 PM.
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  #12  
Old 04-09-2019, 04:04 PM
DaCoda DaCoda is offline
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I can totally see where this is an invasion of privacy and may bother more private people. I personally enjoy any and all questions about my life. Of course, I'm not talking about locker room drama about my sex life with names changed to protect the guilty, I'm pretty open about that in the appropriate forum.

That stuff just isn't as stimulating as the people I get that ask real questions about dealing with partners. I especially get questions because I am less active than my wife; she's a social butterfly. I choose to see these inquiries as a chance to discuss and process my relationships. Sometimes discussing something and educating someone, even if they do just think we are fascinating, is a great way to help others while also helping myself.

I find this particularly useful if their question or concern mimics mine. If I am worried about something in my relationships and someone asks about it that puts me on the stand defending the rights of my people. This can be cathartic when I am tempted to feel small about something because it helps me to recenter my intentions and goals about people.
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  #13  
Old 04-10-2019, 12:01 PM
Danae Danae is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
To the OP, this is your first question on our board, and it's a little... prurient? And it's actually not a common question to be asked by complete strangers who find out one is poly. Most everyone I know, knows I am poly, and strangers don't get to find out I'm poly until I know them well enough to know they won't pry and ask weird uncomfortable questions. Are you legit so bothered by this question, so often, and it's so annoying, you come in here just to ask us this?
I have been a member of this forum before many years ago, but since I couldn't find back my username, it seemed easier to just make a new account. So I'm sorry if it just seemed I waltzed in from nowhere

And why couldn't my experience differ from yours? It might just be a cultural thing - I'm from Holland where people can be quite blunt and straightforward. And since we live together as a family (and can be seen that way in public by anyone) the "do you sleep together"-question actually IS the first thing we get asked a lot by mono's.

Since I know a few transmen and -women who have the same experience (not with questions about 'sleeping arrangements', but with blunt first questions about their sex and genitals) I'm just genuinely wondering - why? Though I think it has something to do with the things a few here suggested, like having no experience with these kind of things, so struggling to form a mental image, trying to fit it in the 'perfect relationship'-idea that society has taught us. And maybe also general prudishness, I don't know. It's just something that really fascinates me, so thanks to all for sharing their thoughts and experiences!
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  #14  
Old 04-17-2019, 03:11 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danae View Post
I have been a member of this forum before many years ago, but since I couldn't find back my username, it seemed easier to just make a new account. So I'm sorry if it just seemed I waltzed in from nowhere

And why couldn't my experience differ from yours? It might just be a cultural thing - I'm from Holland where people can be quite blunt and straightforward. And since we live together as a family (and can be seen that way in public by anyone) the "do you sleep together"-question actually IS the first thing we get asked a lot by mono's.

Since I know a few transmen and -women who have the same experience (not with questions about 'sleeping arrangements', but with blunt first questions about their sex and genitals) I'm just genuinely wondering - why? Though I think it has something to do with the things a few here suggested, like having no experience with these kind of things, so struggling to form a mental image, trying to fit it in the 'perfect relationship'-idea that society has taught us. And maybe also general prudishness, I don't know. It's just something that really fascinates me, so thanks to all for sharing their thoughts and experiences!
OK, I'm sorry I was suspicious.

I just think it's odd too, that people assume a cohabiting V or triad shares a bed. Or that they are likely to. Or that it's any of their business. I think no one would ever ask a mono couple, "Do you share a bed?" They assume they do, even though, often they don't! lol. For reasons that I posted up-thread. Ironic.

As far as asking a person who is trans or intersex or gender-non-conforming whether they've had surgeries, ugh. Don't get me started. My partner is trans. We met online on a dating site. I did ask her if she was trans prior to meeting her. She was still IDing as male back then, on her dating profile, as she'd just started transition. But her pix didn't look male. So, since I wanted to meet her and probably have sex with her, I asked her if she was trans, to get to know her better. (It didn't make a difference, since I am pansexual.) But I did not ask her if she'd had any surgeries. I didn't care. I thought it would be rude to ask, prior to a first date. I didn't know until we were actually in bed and she undressed, what her genitalia looked like.

But people are weird. People think they have a right to touch a pregnant woman's belly without asking her for consent. People also think they have a right to touch someone's baby, or babies, if they are twins. So invasive.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
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  #15  
Old 04-17-2019, 04:22 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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I've had similar questions from friends as well... it seems when I use the word "poly," it conjures up images of group sex and everyone in the same big cuddle puddle. I tend not to use that particular word and it gets the point across a little better. Sometimes.

The latest comment I got was something like, "I don't know about relationships where I'd need a scorecard," and I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that comment, since we were in a group of people. I settled for, "No scorecard. Just a good Google calendar."
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Me: 48/F, Monogamish? Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 49/M, Partner of 7 years.
Spinner: 53/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 48/F, Chops' partner of 7 years
Curls: 51/F, Chops' partner of 2 years


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  #16  
Old 04-17-2019, 07:15 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
I've had similar questions from friends as well... it seems when I use the word "poly," it conjures up images of group sex and everyone in the same big cuddle puddle. I tend not to use that particular word and it gets the point across a little better. Sometimes.

The latest comment I got was something like, "I don't know about relationships where I'd need a scorecard," and I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that comment, since we were in a group of people. I settled for, "No scorecard. Just a good Google calendar."
I was physically nodding my head while reading this. It doesn't help that a lot of my friends are swingers.
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  #17  
Old 04-17-2019, 07:27 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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People ask questions that seem rude or dumb, but we have to understand where they are coming from. This stuff is totally foreign to them. At least they are curious rather than dismissive.
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