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  #11  
Old 04-17-2019, 04:56 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LostinPoly View Post
My on and off partner of 8 years and I decided we would give polyamory a try. We met swinging and have always swung together. It’s been an amazing experience together. I thought [polyamory] would take things to a new level.

Yes, it was my idea. My main reason, our only issue, has always been that he works 7 days a week, 10-15 hour days, and my work brought me to move a little over an hour away. Schedules are very difficult. Between work, [and my] kids (I took in my deceased cousin's 3 kids), my life is hectic.

At times, I feel very lonely, and this seemed like it could be a solution. We agreed it would be me and this potential new partner 90-95% of the time. I then met this woman and went on a date with her.

She claimed to be a lesbian that occasionally would have sex with men. She and I had sex after the second date. After sex with her I really didn’t think there was much chemistry. I found her aggressive, not very femme, and very pushy in general.

But she was nice, and open to the situation. In fact, she expressed no interest in a relationship at all. Just some fun both in and out of the bedroom, without strings.

My BF was coming to town for the night. It was supposed to be a romantic dinner and night in the city. I decided to take advantage of the timing, and invited her to meet us after dinner for drinks. I was not expecting her to come back to the hotel, or hours of sex. In fact, she said she couldn’t, because she had a 6am conference call. But it was fun.

We [three] had a great time, but I still longed for that intimate time alone with him. He seemed pretty caught up in the moment, and she wouldn’t take the hint to leave. I eventually got so upset I walked away from the bedroom for a moment to myself.

It was known that we all had work in the morning, and he needed to be on the road by 6:30 am. We didn’t get a moment alone. She literally blew off her 6:00 am conference call and walked out with us. I was very upset and trying hard not to make it anymore awkward.

Well... when we were driving to drop me off at home, I shared with him what was bothering me. He thought I was being ridiculous and overreacting. He said he really liked it, and he thinks he can get used to it.

Well, the sex part is awesome, but he is Asperger. I don’t see him being able to emotionally deal with 2 relationships simultaneously. This was the fun part, but ok (sarcasm).

Afterwards, when I spoke to her, she outright, without any discussion, told me I am jealous and controlling, and there is no way this is for me. This is a woman that has no type of experience in this [polyamory], or swinging. I assured her that wasn’t what it was, but she kept pushing. I did eventually explain what the issue was, and my disappointment in not having an alone intimate time [with BF] after not being able to do so in 5 months.

Usually I’m extremely turned on by watching him with other women. In fact, I was with her. However, at one point I wanted her to leave. I’m not one to want to sleep in a bed with anyone either. It’s intimate to me, and perhaps I wasn’t there with her. I mean I even felt the same way when she came to my house. She stayed the whole night until morning! It’s not my cup of tea.

She wasn’t completely letting it go, but I decided to go out again with her. What seems like a nice night out turned into me saying I needed to get to bed early and work from home early in the morning. She spent a huge part of the night calling me jealous and insecure. I felt like I was defending my relationship and our dynamics. She asked me, “What if I told you he gave me his number?” implying he had.

I have amazing trust in him never doing anything like that, but I did ask him (I hated that she was making me wonder.) He said no. I just said, "ok, she implied you did."

I told him I didn’t like that I felt like she was digging to cause issues. Now, she definitely didn’t express interest in taking him from me. But she did tell me about her history in turning bi women into her long term GF. SOOOOO maybe she was trying to cause trouble.

The more she brought it up, the more defensive and uneasy she made me. For me it was too much. Too much drama. At one point I was sharing what he and I had discussed about her, and she told me that she should be a part of those conversations. That was the point I kinda snapped back. I told her we just all met and are getting to know each other. Bf and I have been together 8 years, and she just got here. She said she didn't want any relationship; that we can take things slow and see where it goes; there is no rush.

From there she went on to try to get me to join her with groups of other women. She pointed out a few, and they didn’t seem my type anymore than she did. I’d had it. I went home. The next morning I told my BF everything about it, and that I was done with her. The drama was way too much for me.

Now, there was a lot also going on in my life. I had drama going on with the kids, at work, in my family, dealing with my brother’s death, and launching a new business. He was also coming into an extremely busy few weeks. So he seemed upset, but I told him to give me a few.

1. I felt a little jaded, and wanted us to regroup after that
2. I still wanted to try again, but first I needed to take care of things and see what we can learn from this experience
3. I had sooooo much on my plate. I didn’t have time to entertain women in any way.

He seemed disappointed, but okay with it. However, things have been very cold and icy. When I was asking him if everything was ok, he said, yes, he’s just super busy.

Now he says he realizes he’s been cold and distant, and he’s been figuring a lot out-- hinting a break up. I asked if it had to do with this incident, and he said, “she wasn’t the real issue”. This is after I kinda snapped at him when I brought up a female friend of mine, and he hinted I should hook up with her. Being he’s been so cold and distant, it really annoyed me. I told him that had suddenly been the most conversation we’ve had in a month. He’s Asperger, and this is how he does when he doesn’t get his way. Emotional blackmail.

Now things have settled. I’m still a little busy with the business, but I didn’t stop chatting a little with a few women. But I was so annoyed by his reaction that I’ve kept that part to myself. I’m ready to jump back in.

He’s the love of my life. This last attempt together was great and the longest we’ve managed without a break. I thought this could be it, and we threw around the idea of living together again, and starting a family. I’m 41!!! I’m on a clock for that.

1. How did this all go so horribly wrong?
2. Was I wrong about this woman?
3. How can I save my relationship now?
4. I’m still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?
I just had to edit paragraph breaks into your OP. I couldn't make sense of it. Now to read on...
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013

Last edited by Magdlyn; 04-17-2019 at 05:18 PM.
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  #12  
Old 04-17-2019, 05:59 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Having now read and reread your OP, Lost, and the other responses, I will chime in.

You're in a LDR with a person with Asperger's/autism spectrum. You must know that people with this neurology are usually self-centered. My father, two of my nephews, and one man I dated for 2 1/2 years also have autism. So I am well experienced in their ways, while acknowledging all people are different, even those that are neurologically non-average.

So, your bf was fine with some sexy fun with your new dating partner. He wasn't thinking long term, he wasn't thinking of her feelings or expectations, or your feelings or expectations. He was coming from a swinger POV.

Also, both of you seem to think polyamory means threesome sex, or even triads. You may not have read much about polyamory. Most polyamorist people do NOT have threesomes or group sex.

If you hadn't seen your bf in 5 months, as others have said, you shouldn't have invited your brand new dating partner to join you for part of the date. Even if you and bf want a "triad," you didn't know if this woman was stable enough to be in one. So basically, you had a night of casual, partly non-consensual (on your end) sex. This wasn't a triad. There were no feelings of love involved. It wasn't polyamory.

So. Anyway. This woman sounds annoying, non-compatible, and it's good you broke up with her.

Back to bf. You may or may not, at age 41, want to give up your job, move back in with your on-again, off-again Asperger's workaholic bf, and start a family. If you move in with him and it's great, and you're getting along, you'll have more opportunity for sex. You'll have a little more opportunity for companionship (not much, but some). If you have a baby, you'll be too busy for polyamory. Heck, you'll be too busy and tired to even want adult time, dates, sex with bf, most likely.

But if bf tends to be at work 10-15 hours a day, 7 days a week, he obviously won't be much of a hands-on father, unless he changes his ways. Do you want such a distant man to be the father of your children? Not to mention help co-parent the 3 kids you're already raising?

My dad wasn't a workaholic, but he was (and is) extremely emotionally distant and self-centered. My sister and I felt unloved by him. He took little interest in us or our lives, unless we were into what he liked. It was all about him. He had no compassion. If people served his needs, shared his interests, cooked for him, provided him with sex and a warm bed, did his laundry, liked the kind of music he liked, were willing to listen to his monologues, he wanted to hang out with them. Otherwise, they barely existed to him.

If you decide you do NOT want to give up your job and home, do NOT want another child, do NOT want to move your three kids away from their homes and school, just to move in with this distant man you've already been on-again, off-again with for years, what then? Continue in a very infrequent relationship with him, monogamously? Try again to date a woman, but this time NOT try to put her either into a "sex toy" box, or "triad" box? Or maybe you want to seek another man to be a long term partner, husband, father of your baby? Maybe you might let relationship with bf gradually let go, as you seek a local person to get to date and see on a regular and satisfying basis. It's up to you. I'm just listing options.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
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