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  #11  
Old 04-07-2019, 09:29 PM
hideawayprincess hideawayprincess is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Hi Princess,

Welcome to our little board. You're not alone.

I'm guessing you and your wife are both women? Since you chose the name Princess. So, that adds to the situation. FF relationships are more likely to become asexual because of a lack of the driving force of testosterone. On the other hand, emotional connection can be even stronger than in MF het couples.

I am glad you and your wife are in counseling. To me, it sounded like your wife just went and started seeing someone else, long distance, and going away from you and your shared children, every other weekend, and no doubt taking time away from you and the kids by texting the new person, and having sex, and "falling in love," all before you two had discussed Opening your relationship! Do I get this right?

Did she start by "cheating on you," with someone else online, getting emotionally intimate, and then maybe doing the cybersex thing, and then meeting irl, without your informed consent? Was it just sprung on you, and you felt you had no choice but to accept it? Why?

I understand you want to label all this, and that's fine if you want to put it into some kind of category. I call it "cheating in plain sight."

Why is it fair she gets to go away every other weekend, leaving you home with being responsible for the kids and all the household stuff, while she's off having NRE lalas, dates, uninterrupted conversations, exciting new person sex, etc.? Is she just now keeping your around for a warm bed and babysitting?

You don't have to answer all this right away. Just some things to think about. Has your counselor been any help? Do they understand Open relationships or polyamory?
Magdlyn,
Yes, you are correct in some of your questions/assumptions. My partner and I are both female. And in some ways, she did somewhat go and start seeing someone without my knowledge, but in other ways no. She did not meet this person online, and she did talk to me and let me know she had met someone, and developed a lot of feelings and a deep emotional connection to them, before any of the weekend visits and physical intimacy began. She did sit me down to tell me about all of this, what she wanted to develop with this new person, and what she ideally wanted to have continue with me. She also told me she would pursue this new relationship no matter what, even if I decided I could not do it. So in some ways it was all sprung on me, and at times I have felt I have had no choice but to accept it, but I also know I am choosing to continue on with the relationship I do have with my partner (whatever it may be), because I genuinely do want to make it work, in a way that all of our needs are being met.
I know it's not fair that she gets to go away every other weekend, be with someone else and not have the responsabilites of being a parent, experience NRE, etc. etc. But I also know it has not been fair that I have not been able to give her the things she wanted, needed, and expected out of a marriage partner (deep emotional intimacy and physical intimacy). She wants, needs and deserves those things. Our relationship history is extremely complex (as are all relationships, I know), and there is so much good between us, but so many issues. So maybe this situation we are in is, for the moment, the best way to meet all of our needs. Maybe I am just naive.
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  #12  
Old 04-08-2019, 12:00 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I don't think there's anything wrong with calling it poly, but I wouldn't be happy living like that. It would be one thing if you specifically WANTED an asexual relationship with your wife, but to see her enjoying the kind of connection you want with someone else, while you still want that with her? That sounds like torture to me.

You need to decide what works best for yourself.
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My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
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  #13  
Old 04-10-2019, 02:01 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle.

Quote:
And in some ways, she did somewhat go and start seeing someone without my knowledge, but in other ways no. She did not meet this person online, and she did talk to me and let me know she had met someone, and developed a lot of feelings and a deep emotional connection to them, before any of the weekend visits and physical intimay began. She did sit me down to tell me about all of this, what she wanted to develop with this new person, and what she ideally wanted to have continue with me. She also told me she would pursue this new relationship no matter what, even if I decided I could not do it. So in some ways it was all sprung on me,
It sounds like she sprung it on you, along with “I want to stay with you, but I'm gonna keep dating whether you want to stay or not.”

Kinda rough, but I guess at least it's putting it on the table plain.

Quote:
*I am just struggling with this shift in my relationship with my partner, and feel lonely because there is no one in my immediate circle of family/friends who truly understands it. Plus my partner isn’t really comfortable with words like polyamory and open marriage, so in a lot of
ways that makes me feel even more lost too. (I apologize, I know I am one of those people who needs labels and words to help define things, even
Though I know that may be wrong).
I don't get the hesitation with labels. The “old deal” changed. So what's this “new deal” she wants you to think about signing up for?

People need to have words to talk about things. It's not wrong to use them. Might have to calibrate what those words mean to each person, but trying to talk about a nebulous cloud thing... that's not helpful.

To me it sounds like she wants to change to open marriage, and she wants to be involved with both of you, so some sort of a V.

Maybe that's close enough of a label to work with so you can talk?

Do YOU want to be doing open marriage in a V?

Or is this a "soft exit" thing? Your partner really doesn't want to be doing poly or open marriage. But she's not ready/willing to talk divorce. So this unlabeled fuzzy space is the soft exit from this marriage to a new relationship?

Quote:
This shift is also not something i ideally would have wanted, but I am trying my best to work through this all to make sure both my and my partners needs are being met.
Doesn't sound like you want to be doing it. So... could speak plain. That you don't want to do it like this. What's stopping you from being honest about how you feel?

Quote:
I don’t know if it’s something I can sustain, if In the end all my own needs will be met, but it is all something that is worth me trying to work with because what i do have with partner is so vitally important to me at this point in my life, that I can’t just give it all up.
You don't have to give it all up. You could though, give up the parts that don't work. You can still be close, you can still be friends, you can still be co-parents, etc.

Quote:
Doesn’t make it any less hard at times though.
Understandable. This whole thing sounds painful.

Quote:
So in some ways it was all sprung on me, and at times I have felt I have had no choice but to accept it, but I also know I am choosing to continue on with the relationship I do have with my partner (whatever it may be), because I genuinely do want to make it work, in a way that all of our needs are being met.
What ARE you present needs? You do not actually say.

And "whatever it may be" -- what relationship shapes ARE you willing do to? If you are not crazy about "an open marriage V" thing?

You do have a voice in this. You do not have to accept whatever she says. Your consent to participate in things belongs to YOU.

Quote:
But I also know it has not been fair that I have not been able to give her the things she wanted, needed, and expected out of a marriage partner (deep emotional intimacy and physical intimacy). She wants, needs and deserves those things.
If these are things she wants from a marriage partner, and you cannot meet them, why are you the marriage partner?

I'm not trying to be mean here... I'm trying to understand. Sometimes people date. There's initial compatibility but then it turns out there isn't deep compatibility. That's nobody's fault.

The way you write you sound like you are gonna do stuff you don't really want to do because you feel guilty about "not being enough for her" or something. Is that happening here?

Quote:
Our relationship history is extremely complex (as are all relationships, I know), and there is so much good between us, but so many issues. So maybe this situation we are in is, for the moment, the best way to meet all of our needs. Maybe I am just naive.
What ARE the needs? Maybe they can be met another way.

I'm wondering if a better relationship shape for you guys that meets needs on both sides might be “good exes and friends who coparent” rather than “find ways to endure wonky marriage so we don't have to end it?"

Again, I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm trying to understand this situation. I could be wrong but it's sounding a lot like “save the marriage! Keep it going no matter what!” to me.

When keeping it going is causing both of you to bend into pretzels a bit.

You don't really want to be doing this, but sound like you are gonna from guilt that you cannot be the marriage partner she wants. Rather than plain break up because you cannot be the marriage partner she wants.

And she's not getting the marriage partner she wants, but rather than plain break up she's gonna just start dating other people and... expect you to lump it?

Galagirl
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  #14  
Old 04-17-2019, 04:04 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'm not sure if hidewayprincess will be back. But I still wonder about the evolution of her relationship with her wife.

Princess, you said "for a myriad of reasons, including your mental health" over the years, '"deep" emotional connection, and all sexual connection, has been lost.

But now you wish for deeper connections. Emotional and sexual, I assume? Hence the couples' therapy.

But your wife, despite therapy, seems to be saying, it's "too little, too late." She's going elsewhere for her deep emotional and sexual intimacy.

Of course, she may feel it's deeper, better, with the new person, because NRE lalas put rose colored glasses on us. Something that seems deep and connecting in the first few months to a year, can fade away when the hormonal rush of NRE ends. And it always ends.

GG asked you what your needs are. Do you now want "deep" emotional connection with your wife again (assuming you once had this "depth")? Do you now want regular sex again? Are you mentally/emotionally ready for emotional depth and regular sex? Have you had individual therapy and done work to be a more available partner? And it might be relevant: has your wife had individual therapy? It takes two to tango. She's half this equation. You don't have to bear all the responsibility and subsequent guilt or shame.

Even if you are now a more stable, trustworthy, healthier person all around, you said there was a myriad of reasons depth and sex stopped with your wife. We don't know what these reasons are. You don't have to tell us, but telling us could help us provide proper feedback/advice. Are they still in effect?

It seems your wife took the easy way out. She is moving on to a more enjoyable relationship with a new person. (Which may or may not en up being a long term relationship, but that's besides the point.) She is also having the fun of no responsibilities every other weekend. No kids, no chores, no housecleaning and home maintenance and all the things couples get caught up on, on weekends. Is this fair? Do you deserve a more committed partner? Especially now that you seem to feel healthy enough to be able to have and offer emotional depth and regular sex to a partner?

It takes time to get used to the idea of how we can drift apart from a beloved partner. Everything in popular culture makes us crave, and even expect, til death do we part; happily ever after. Maybe our own parents had long-lasting happy (or unhappy but endured) marriages. But the fact is, people grow and change, relationships change, people split up. Even if they still love each other, there might be rifts that never heal, damage that leaves uncomfortable scars, residual anger and resentment. I'm speaking from experience. I was with one man monogamously for over 30 years, and chose to end it.

As GG was implying, we have been taught to put "keep (monogamous, or even cheating) relationship going no matter the cost" ahead of "personal individual health and satisfaction." Divorce however, has become commonplace, as the institution of mono marriage is just one choice we now have.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
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  #15  
Old 04-17-2019, 04:24 PM
SEASONEDpolyAgain SEASONEDpolyAgain is offline
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"I don't get the hesitation with labels. The “old deal” changed. So what's this “new deal” she wants you to think about signing up for? "

My experience with this stance has been largely second hand with people who have "opened" a relationship to meet a core need not offered in the established relationship. Yes, usually sex. The hesitation is because "open" or "polyamory" indicates a 2 sided deal where both people are entitled to seek new partners. However, if the person with the unmet need is only considering non-monogamy to meet said need, it doesn't seem logical (to them) that their partner who doesn't have this need or maybe is incapable of meeting that need with anyone gets to also have other relationships.

Of course, opening a relationship without fully subscribing to a wider philosophy around ethical non-monogamy is usually problematic. Especially if you're opening it just to meet a core need that isn't avaliable in an established relationship. That's always a slow transition to a new monogamous relationship in my experience.
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