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Old 04-10-2019, 03:11 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arinsol
However, my one main catch is that if this triad threatens the existence of mine and Polo's relationship, then we have to call it off so Polo's and I can maintain our relationship. We truly believe we want to spend the rest of our lives together. But it would be great if Drums could be included in that as well. Drums is aware of, and agrees to this stipulation.
I think that is short sighted. Even if y'all agree to that now? Sometimes the break up happens in unexpected shapes.

If you truly want to spend the rest of your lives together... then why is the catch even needed?

IME, people often seem to think "Oh, if it doesn't pan out, we will just go back to original configuration. No problem. " But maybe you and Drum end up together. Or Polo and Drum together. Or broken up all the way to everyone single. If people don't talk about those possibilities ahead of time, if/when they happen they are caught blind.

A better approach might be to agree on how to do conflict resolution should problems arise. If NRE lalas get upsetting, if there's poly hell, if some other thing arises, how will this group agree to work through that?

And how does this group want to break up with grace, if that's what has to happen as the best solution to a big problem? When you try to fly the kite and it just will not fly, and the solution is to stop banging head on wall?

If it ends up
  • (Polo + you) and Drum
  • (Polo + Drum) and you
  • (you + Drum) + Polo
  • Polo and you and Drum all single

how does each person like to be broken up with so they can feel it was clean, respectful and dignified?

Also, if problems in the triad become too great? You are in charge of just YOU. You can say "This is too much for me. I have to get off this Triad Bus." And you bow out. The other two can keep on riding it or get off of it or suggest a new model to you -- like you and Polo getting back together. But you cannot be doing this "we" thing. Each person carries their own baggage. Like this...

Quote:
However, my one main catch is that if this triad threatens the existence of mine and Polo's relationship, then we have to call it off so Polo's and I can maintain our relationship
Polo might agree with you right now. But later? Polo might go "Actaully... I prefer to stay with Drum."

When you go into it expecting everyone to carry their own baggage and make their own choice? Then hearing that, while disappointing, is not a shock. It's people each making their own choice.

When you go into it expecting this "we-ness" to prevail above all? And if you come to find Polo's changed their mind on that? That's going to be a SHOCK for you. Do the work of disentanglement first.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/...p-f1f67abbbd49

Maybe what you want to ask for is time and space for each dyad to work out problems fairly? So if say... Polo is getting all NRE lala and blows off time spent in (you + Polo) time, you'd like Drum to support you in saying "Polo, man, we gotta talk about your time management."

Because the next time it might be Polo blowing off (Drum + Polo) time in favor of you. And then YOU will support Drum in saying "Polo, man, we gotta talk about your time management."

Or some other combo.

Another thing to think about -- not all triangles are equilateral triangles. They still work as triangles. But not all sides are the same. If you are the "away" partner and they are local to each other? They are gonna have more opportunities to get together. You cannot let your envy of that make artificial walls or make you try to control what they do on their leg of the thing. What you could do is take steps to move more local. And be patient if that takes time to do. Not act out at them because of geography. OR... move first so all are local. Try to triad then.

Another thing to think about... if you and Polo enter a triad with Drum? You and Polo BROKE UP. You ended the old model on purpose. In order to explore this new model. So amid the "whee! new thing!" feelings, you might stumble on some grief and mourning for the old model feelings. That catches people off guard, esp if they think "Just like before, but adding another." It might be the easiest way for newbies to picture it... but that's not what is actually happening.

It is NOT like before. The before is GONE. People who can understand and see that are more able to see upset flare up things like "ah... this is coming out like THIS... but it really might be grief coming out." They may have an easier time doing deep listening and avoiding misunderstandings.

When you are thinking about changing models... talk it out well before hand. There's gonna be the price of admission. And if you cannot or do not want to pay it? Don't go there.

I don't know if those thoughts help you any.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-10-2019 at 03:37 PM.
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