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View Poll Results: What type of poly origin did you have?
I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy 10 17.24%
I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before 20 34.48%
I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle 3 5.17%
Other 25 43.10%
Voters: 58. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 07-19-2015, 04:39 AM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 2,164

I've had two major relationships of a "romantic" and sexual kind in my life -- both with my best friend. Both with males. The "both with males" part may well be a matter of chance, as I enjoy persons of both sexes (flavors?) about equally.

Both were long lived. The first was just over a half a decade. The second has been going for about two decades. I'm nearing fifty years of age, and so most of my adult life I've been in committed, long term relationships.

When my relationship with my first love, my first living-together companion, dissolved, I was burnt toast -- charcoal. He and I had pretended together -- to ourselves, each other, that we were Good Boys, and thus monogamous. It was our social training -- or culturally derived notion of what it means to be "in love".

The story of my transition from monogamy to non-monogamy is much longer than I want to write out today. The essence of the story is that I eventually discovered that I had been sold a bill of goods, that "real love" can just as well involve multiple partners as contrasted with just one (or two, depending on how one counts one's self as a part of things).

I deeply, genuinely doubt I could ever be monogamous again. I may have just one lover in my life. Sure! But never again -- I suspect -- could I imagine that love must necessarily add up to a pair, two, a dyad.
bi, partnered, available

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Old 07-19-2015, 10:09 PM
Nmi Nmi is offline
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Finland
Posts: 7

I guess I've always known I have poly tendencies, although 20 years ago I couldn't name it correctly. But by the time people started their first "serious" relationships as teenagers, I always felt like I don't fit it. I've been a bit anarchistic towards usual mono relationships ever since.

Over 10 years ago, after I met my primary significant other, I started googling things up and figured out a lot about myself and why the usual relationships weren't my schtick.

Things started to make sense. Why I suddenly felt "whole" when I had huge crushes outside my primary relationships and on the other side felt like something was missing from my life when I had just my fiance. Weird thing is, my fiance is exactly the same, a thing I didn't know when I met her. When we both have our things, our own relationship always works better. Strange.
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Old 07-20-2015, 12:35 AM
Lucadaw Lucadaw is offline
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 6

I read stuff here thats much more complicated than what me and the 2 girls seem to have (they are both 17) for a couple years weve just been a group of best friends that only ever have sex as a threesome. Not really sure how else to put it.
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Old 07-20-2015, 12:37 AM
Ironconey Ironconey is offline
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 8

Im definitely in the 'other' category. I've never had poly tendencies, but every experience I've had personally and witnessed around me has indicated to me that monogamy, for whatever reason, simply doesn't work in the specific context of the culture, generation, and time period in which I live. It might have worked in others - I don't know - I do know it very seldom works in mine - seldom enough in fact, that I no longer found it to be a feasible lifestyle, not because I personally couldn't be with only one person, but I became sufficiently convinced that I could no longer expect any allegedly monogamous partner I found to have the capacity to "play by the rules" of monogamy over a long period of time.

In other words, for me, I wanted a relationship, and to that end, polyamory fits the context of my environment best.

In other other words - I simply ran out of options.
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Old 08-23-2015, 06:32 PM
jdj jdj is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4
Default love more

I started my sexual career fairly early. I usually had a number of male friends that I was sexually active with but cheating in a relationship was repugnunt and I carried around great guilt because of it. My husband and I got married early and we both decided that extra people for sex was ok and exciting as long as we were honest and it didn't affect our marriage. So many friends with benefits later I met my girlfriend. Life was upended and we started our life with the three of us. She is a long complicated story for another post.
Bi Female.
Married to Jack for 18 years.
Been with Amanda for 6 years.
We have lived together for 5 years.
I have two kids, 15 & 9.

Love, honesty & family is all the treasure I need :-)
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Old 08-23-2015, 07:06 PM
LizziE LizziE is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: The Frosty Northeast
Posts: 194

I said other because none of those really worked for me.

I've always been poly-friendly, even before I had any idea what that was. I decided to live polyamorously when I realized that my reciprocated love for my friend Rachel was such that we wanted to share our lives together, and I considered her to be equal to anybody else I was dating.

I wrote about it more in depth here:


Sadly, that relationship transitioned over time into a more average friendship. I've been wondering lately if it might build up again into something bigger again, but...sigh...Rachel, love her much as I do, has some serious emotional shit that she really needs to work through, and just won't. Her non-romantic life partner is also a rather controlling, manipulative person. It's a shame, because her romantic partner is one of the awesomest people I know. But I'm not sure if rebuilding a relationship with her with her not working through her shit would be healthy for me. Also, dealing more with Jessica again (Rachel's manipulative other partner) is just not something I'm up to, especially with the way things just ended with Lora.

It always fascinates me, the number of people who seem to come to poly because of a partner. We get so many of those messages here. I wonder how many people either always felt poly (Jon has always felt poly and practically always been poly) or decided to take the plunge solo like I did, versus the "opening my relationship" start that seems to be written about the most here.
Liz: cis female, 32, bi. partner Jonathan, also dating Issi
Jonathan: cis male, 29, bi. partner Liz
Lora: cis female, 27, bi, ex-partner of Jon

Lora, Jon, & Liz moved in together May 2014.

Early July 2015, Jon broke up with Lora, because of her abusive and controlling behavior. Lora has a sublet for the month of July, while she figures out what she's going to do. Liz & Jon are waiting for her to figure that out, so that all Lora's things can be removed from the apartment.
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Old 08-24-2015, 01:08 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,444

I posted earlier "always poly, never mono" - thought I would expand a bit. (Full story in my "Journey" blog here.)

The "monogamy ideal" NEVER appealed to me. I had read Heinlein from a very young age and had a (fictional) model of non-monogamy that made a lot more sense to me. I never planned on EVER falling "in love" (whatever THAT was) or finding a "one and only", etc. So I had to kind of make my way in a world that felt differently than I did about love and sex, etc.

When I got together with MrS - it was to be a purely FWB relationship, which was the only type of "relationship" I was interested in. At that time he was in a sexual relationship with an ex (who wanted him back) and with another girl (who thought he was her "boyfriend" even though they never discussed it!) I had no issues, ex had minimal issues (I was sleeping with her too), new girl was pretty put out. I think that MrS is probably inherently poly (his prior mono relationships all hit a point where he said "We should see other people." and the girl declined, and then cheated on him).

So, I fell in love with MrS about the time I realized that I was bisexual. Having already experienced men (and having found the BEST ONE EVER!) my attention turned to women...which was fine with both of us.

When Dude came into the picture, he had never heard of poly but had some experience with "open" relationships (as the "added person") - focus on sex and maintaining the "primary" relationship. Didn't take long for him to take to poly like a fish to water though!

Lotus and her husband had more of an "open" arrangement (I believe) but now that she is dating us I think that poly is a good fit for her as well. (I think her husband, that I play with on occasion, is more "poly sexual".)

So, of all of the people in my "poly-tangle" - none of us has, strictly speaking, ever really been truly "monogamous" in nature even though a few of us (not me) have been in monogamous relationships for periods of time.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 08-24-2015 at 01:17 AM.
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Old 08-25-2015, 05:45 PM
vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 25

Looking back over my life, I have always had poly tendencies. However, I was raised with the belief that monogamy was the only acceptable relationship. Because of this I ended up being a serial monogamist. I didn't know that was what it was at the time. I found that, while I was in monogamous relationships, I would still find myself attracted to other women. I mean that both sexually and emotionally. While I always felt there was nothing wrong with loving two (or more) women at the same time, they never felt that way.

Fast forward through a series of relationships...the closest I came to a poly relationship was with T, my current ex (though we still talk). I first met her while she was in an open relationship with her then husband. They were more polysexual than polyamorous. Things did not work out with her husband. She and I moved in together. To my dismay she decided she wished to become monogamous with me. We did that for most of 20 years, until recently. We opened up our marriage to include others, but she wanted to place too many restrictions, which sort of made the whole thing pointless.

I started working in a different state, having previously traveled extensively for work. Here I met a wonderful gal and started an east coast-west coast sort of poly relationship. However, neither girl wanted to be "second" and neither could quite grasp the idea of being equal.

I found myself being put in the position of choosing between the two. I chose to finally be true to myself and explore poly full time.

That's the Reader's Digest version.

I believe that it is human nature to be polyamorous. I believe that monogamy was a concept hatched to control society.
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boundaries, cheating, coming out poly, commitment, defintion, description, descriptions, discovery, dissatisfaction, first time, happiness, history, introduction to poly, learning, mono poly, mono/poly, new to polyamory, opening a relationship, poly, relationship issues, scale, starting out

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