Gamerprincess's Journey

gamerprincess

New member
I figured I might as well start one of these and stop crowding up the other topics :D As of now, I guess I'm a bisexual mono with a straight poly boyfriend. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else outside of our relationship but since our unicorn hunt didn't go so well and boredom ensued, he wants to see other women casually. Maybe more I guess if the right one came along.

For a history of my story, here's my previous threads so far regarding my journey, which is brand new after years of discussing different options in poly. Lots of jealousy, worry, hurt, insecurity and learning about myself and him. It's like we've started a whole new relationship after 6 years with one another, rediscovering and learning new things about each other, both positive and negative.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9118

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9189

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9210

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9326

So, after discussing that we've got different communication needs, I took Derby's advice and asked him if we could figure out a meeting time we could make to talk poly stuff. He said he wasn't sure what would be good because sometimes he does like talking about it more than others, but as long as I don't do it 24/7 like I have been, that's fine.

I've decided to try to limit it to once a day in the evenings if I've got questions or to discuss how we are feeling about things. I will refrain from texting him throughout the day on it and then talking at night about it too. Yes, just typing that makes me really realize how nutty I've been being. I've gotta say I am ashamed with myself for that and I will be sure to tell him tonight that I apologize for my irrational mood swings and obsessiveness recently over it and that going forward I am going to be sure to check in with myself more often.

Previously I've mentioned the girl he was talking to, and how I had a gut feeling she wasn't right due to past decisions she's made and how I felt she tried to trap her previous married boyfriend who was cheating on his wife, I'm happy to say that he's decided he isn't interested in meeting her anymore. I know my behavior and attitude has made it stressful and probably was a big factor in the decision, but I also know that I was not comfortable with how loose and careless she had been in the past and I stand my ground firm on those feelings. I also don't like how she strictly dates attached or married men because she doesn't want a commitment, yet she never wants to meet the wife or girlfriend. She's always kind of been the dirty little secret. I think she likes that for some sick reason, and I'm not OK with that. if they had met and started dating, I know she's in his life and I want her to meet me and acknowledge I'm in his.

Overall, she's not what I pictured she would be in his life and in mine, because inevitably, she'd be taking away some of my time to be with him and it will affect my life, where I want someone who wants to be a part of my life too. Doesn't have to be romantic or sexual with me, though that would be wonderful...It just has to be a level of respect, friendship and the common goal of making him happy while enriching all of our lives. I want us all to hang out, watch movies, cuddle with him, go out and have fun. I thought thats what he wanted too, but I guess thats something I need to ask him to be sure he wants that too. Gotta find a good way for him to tell me his wants and expectations without continually being pushy.

I also want us to have alone time with him too and that's where this notion and wanting of a friend and someone I trust with him is so important to me. Sometimes I worry we will never find that and the only way he's going to live out his needs sexually to be with another woman, is to do just that outside of the relationship and that me not being present in that relationship kind of makes me fade away into the background.

A lot of this I know has to deal with the fear of abandonment for me or feelings of inadequacy and I'm trying to address those.

He still wants me to look for a unicorn as he knows that's what would make me the happiest and would make him happy by fulfilling his desire and need for another relationship and not just sex with someone else. However, he still wants to be open to seeing other women without me in it until we find our match. I can definitely compromise on that one and who knows, maybe that's how we'll find our match. I hope I feel differently next time around then I did over this girl. Hopefully I felt that way given her past when I was already new to this and already had fears of someone trying to take him away from me.

I'm glad that I have an outlet here to write down all of my fears, needs and progress as we go through this!
 
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The last 2 days have been really nice. We got our communication squabble out of the way we've been doing our poly talk once a day, to check in and see how the other is feeling, if we've come across anyone worthwhile and other hypothetical things. Really just reaffirming what it is what we want.

He cut off the single mom like I said, which I've felt a lot better about and we're back to looking for our unicorn but still pursuing other partners. You never know, maybe that's how we'll meet the "one"!

I'm talking to a girl who is moving back to our area in a few weeks. So far so good, we have a good deal in common. He's also speaking to a girl he came across online who is only about 30 mins away who is married and in an open relationship with her hubby too. We're both asking questions about the women to each other and just at a different level of comfort now with pursuing this. I'm feeling a sense of calmness and no jealousies over the last 2 days which is a huge improvement for me, so I'm proud of myself on that one. He sees it too, and I think since he's seeing a level of comfort in me now, he's being more affectionate.

At the moment, things are really good :D
 
We might have met her!

So, over the last few days, I've been talking to a woman on my own, but it seems like she's looking for exactly what we are both looking for together, so tonight him and her are going to talk and then all three of us. If all goes as well as her and I think it will with him, then we are going to meet within the next month.

The only downfall is, she is 5 hours away from us, but has SO much in common with both of us together and separately that we are willing to make this work and so is she.

She's an amazing person, older than the both of us, but she has a lot of similar interests with him that I don't have and similar interests with me that he doesn't have..And sexually, our desires all seem to be similar. She's also beautiful to top it off.

We are both SO excited about this and I can't wait to see how this goes and update everyone!
 
Hi GP, I really hope the meeting goes well, and I'm looking forward to reading about it.

What you've gone through and are still experiencing to a certain extent really reminds me of what my wife is currently going through. I may point her in the direction of your threads to see how you dealt with things, so thank you for posting! In the meantime, I'm curious about why you guys are only looking for a unicorn... it always surprises me how many couples focus only on finding a single bi woman for the both of them, even though it seems to be the unreachable goal and even when it is reached, it doesn't seem as gratifying as most expect it to be, just from what I've read here... Anyhow, no judgement or anything, whatever your reasons are - just curious.
 
Thanks for your reply :)

Things took a turn in the last day or so and it looks like it's not going to work out.

To make a long story short, she has been seeing 2 men for a while and though we don't expect her to put her life on hold, after she made plans and reservations to come down for a weekend with us, she had a threesome with a female friend and one of her guys this past weekend.

J was NOT comfortable with this and thinks she is too open for his tastes. I was not upset and did not fight his opinion as it's not just my thoughts and opinions here that matter. I told him I didn't expect her to stop seeing the guys, but I admitted perhaps the threesome and the graphic details she shared were a bit much. We appreciated her honesty and that she was upfront and open about her other partners, but ideally that is not what we were looking for.

He said he wants us to find someone closer and not so casual with other partners. He felt that poly should be about loving multiple people and not just about the sex..that yes, sex comes with loving someone, but it should not be expected on the first meeting and should be saved for when there is a real connection developed. In short, he felt she was just into swinging basically because it seems like it's just about how much sex she can have, and not about forming anything beyond that.

I gotta say, I do respect that in him. For some reason I think maybe I thought this journey was just about sex to him and I see that he wants something more with someone else and us..and that makes me happy.
 
I guess I'm having a little trouble seeing the problem at this point in the process. From what it sounds like, this wasn't just some casual hook up with a stranger, these were people she knew. You guys haven't even met and are turned off because she's not treating this like a "relationship". Why should she put her life on hold for people she hasn't even met yet? You never know, after getting to know each other a little better and meet IRL a few times, things may be different.

That you are getting a vibe/feeling/whatever that isn't meshing with where you think you want to go, that part I get.
 
I'm with SNeacail on this one. You aren't even in a relationship with her yet, you were just meeting her. Sounds like she has established people in her life, and was simply physical with a friend and a lover, not strangers at a swingers' club. What makes you think she doesn't love the people she was with?
 
I'm with SNeacail on this one. You aren't even in a relationship with her yet, you were just meeting her. Sounds like she has established people in her life, and was simply physical with a friend and a lover, not strangers at a swingers' club. What makes you think she doesn't love the people she was with?

She never said that specifically, so I don't know for sure on it. Perhaps she does, but J seems like he wants to meet someone that isn't seeing multiple people. While I said I never expected her to put her life on hold, he didn't either. He just wanted someone that wasn't already involved with multiple people in her life and that we might be looking for more of a closed triad. I'm on the fence about it. I see where she is coming from and I understand why he feels the way he does.

We still will remain friends though and plan to eventually go to see one of our favorite bands when they tour later this year or early next year together, but as for anything else at this point he just doesn't feel comfortable. I'm not going to push him against what he doesn't want to do.
 
We still will remain friends though and plan to eventually go to see one of our favorite bands when they tour later this year or early next year together, but as for anything else at this point he just doesn't feel comfortable.

Now this is just ME, but I wouldn't be comfortable with anything more until we had a chance to become friends first. That you guys have decided together to not just jump in feet first is a good thing, but it shouldn't keep you from meeting up with her and having a good weekend or such. It seems like there was a lot of preasure to make everything fit together right away.
 
Now this is just ME, but I wouldn't be comfortable with anything more until we had a chance to become friends first. That you guys have decided together to not just jump in feet first is a good thing, but it shouldn't keep you from meeting up with her and having a good weekend or such. It seems like there was a lot of preasure to make everything fit together right away.

Ditto what you said in the bold, however it seemed like she definitely expected a full on threesome when she comes down here and on top of that and her seeing other people, I think to him it was just a huge turnoff. Her coming here for a sex fest and then going back to her other guys was not cool to him.

I was cool with us just hanging out..cuddling, watching movies, checking out local things, going to dinner etc..Just getting to know one another and enjoy each other's company. He was cool with that too and that's what he was more thinking would happen. If something happened if the mood was right, cool... but it seemed like an expectation to her in our eyes and I know from past experiences he doesn't like any expectations until he's for sure about someone.
 
Relationships are never simple.

Knowing what you want and actually having are never easy. The first step is that you know what kind of relationship you want. The second step was actually putting both of you out there looking for it. Dating and finding a perfect match is never simple there are a lot of hit and misses. I think go into it and sharing your likes and dislikes and then start a friendship is a good start most of my relationships with male or female lasted longer when we are friends some even after the romantic relationship ended we stayed friends. But do not stop trying to find your third if you keep trying I believe that both of you will succeed and become a family.
 
Knowing what you want and actually having are never easy. The first step is that you know what kind of relationship you want. The second step was actually putting both of you out there looking for it. Dating and finding a perfect match is never simple there are a lot of hit and misses. I think go into it and sharing your likes and dislikes and then start a friendship is a good start most of my relationships with male or female lasted longer when we are friends some even after the romantic relationship ended we stayed friends. But do not stop trying to find your third if you keep trying I believe that both of you will succeed and become a family.

We won't stop looking, we'll definitely keep trying. We're going to continue to look for our third, but we're going to probably find it easier to find separate partners of our own first. I have a date lined up for next week with a girl I've been talking to online for over a month who is moving back to our area this weekend. He seems to think she would be a good match for me. He's still looking and told me last night that he's talking to a girl he used to talk to a couple of years ago before we opened our relationship up, but now she lives up in Mt. Shasta which is SO far from us.

There was some drama with her, and we don't get along as she was extremely disrespectful and hurtful to me during a period of uncertainty with me and him. I, in turn was equally as disrespectful towards her, but today I sent her a message apologizing for my behavior years ago and hoped that we could forgive each other and perhaps talk in the future. I doubt she has the decency to write me back and both apologize to me in return and accept my apology, so I will be highly surprised if she does. At least I've made my ammends and I feel like the bigger person in doing so.

She can hold a grudge all she wants, but she had better not try to pull the shenanigans she did back then. The bottom line is respect, but I feel she may be too selfish to respect me and I'm not sure she wants to "share' him with me as she was instrumental in what almost became the end of us. She's 10 years younger than me, so I certainly hope she has matured in the last couple of years and learned how to respect other people, especially those that are very much loved by someone she would consider a relationship with.
 
Hah! So, the girl I mentioned in my last post doesn't have the balls to write me back to decline my apology...instead, she goes straight to him and says that she couldn't believe I had the nerve to write her and she will never apologize to me for what she said in the past and she still feels all of the same things about me as she did then and that she would never be OK with me.. So, he told her that wouldn't work out since I'm not going anywhere and wished her the best of luck.

Another bad potential weeded out.

But, with another one out, someone else comes in. He actually met someone locally on OK Cupid over the last couple of days and tonight they had their first phone convo and then texted for a bit afterwards and made another phone date for tomorrow night. They've got a good deal in common and he had a cute twinkle in his eye and blushed cheeks after talking to her. It was really cute :p I absolutely adored how we were just hanging out watching a movie on Netflix, and in between his texts with her, he'd reach over and give me affection and groping.

It made me feel amazing and totally comfortable with it and I'm proud because previously I had some major jealousy issues over him texting or talking with potentials during what I considered "our" time, but it was different tonight.. I felt completely comfortable and encouraging of him pursuing this one and it turned me on that he was giving me the increased attention that he was while doing this.

I'm also talking to someone I met about a month ago on OKC. She's from my area and moving back this coming week, in fact she's been driving from Ohio since yesterday and has been calling me along the way to let me know she's alright. We're both really excited to meet and have made plans for dinner this week.

We're both so ready to just meet other people and we're getting closer to going on those actual first dates with someone. I wonder what sort of mix of emotions I'm going to feel when he goes on his first date and how he's going to feel when I go on mine. I still think there's going to be some jealousy, but I think we are both better prepared and at a point where we are ready to tackle that challenge and overcome it successfully.
 
It's been a few days since I wrote, but I thought I'd give an update!

J is still talking to the one he met on OKC. I've tried to not be too intrusive, as it was bugging him in the past about my incessant questioning, so I've just let him tell me about her on his own. From what I hear, she seems like a lovely woman. A little younger than he is, and she is married..but her husband is in Afghanistan and also has a girlfriend. She has a 4 year old son and has been in an open relationship with her hubby for a couple of years now. Has dated men on and off, but no one serious. She's just looking to get out, have some fun and to get some much needed attention and love. Loves her hubby and has no intention of leaving him.

The only thing that strikes any concern is her feelings towards her hubby's girlfriend. She feels like she gets more attention than she does, which I totally feel for her on and I'm glad she met my bf, who is very affectionate and has enough of that to go around for me and for her. She's asked questions about me and knows that she's not a secret nor her to I.

I feel very good about her overall and told him I think he should definitely go for it. The one thing he really likes about her is that there has been no sexual flirting or sexual convo and no pressure to meet, though they would like to do so soon, and I totally am encouraging him to set a date up. She sounds to be the most promising match so far. I know he will treat her right and give her what she needs. I don't know that I could quite call it "compersion" just yet, but I feel so warm and fuzzy inside knowing that I'm a part of giving her something and someone that she needs in her life.

I went on my first date with a woman I met online, but in meeting, she's totally not the person I thought she was and has a lot of mental issues that she needs to sort through. I'll definitely be a friend to her, but she's too complicated for me. I've got another date set up this weekend with another woman I met online who is local, and I've been talking to for over a month, so I'm excited to see how we click in person.

Him and I discussed everything last night as we haven't really talked "poly" in several days and hearing his reasonings and feelings as to why he wants us to do this really reaffirmed my reasons and feelings too. We just want to meet new people and it's so exciting just getting to know someone else on a different level than we know one another. He said that the intial spark only lasts so long and what we have could never be replaced by anyone else and this isn't about replacing one another, yet enhancing our relationship by rediscovering ourselves and appreciating what we already have more than we have been.

I totally laughed when he said "We still have that spark, and it's been re-ignited by this passion for finding other partners, but what woman is going to be as comfortable smelling my farts like you have for 6 years? That's a comfortableness that I don't think I'll ever find with anyone"

LMAO.. I laughed SO hard at that. Then we just cuddled..made dinner, watched a movie and had a great night.

I'm totally loving what this is doing for us so far :D We're both so happy to be meeting other people and a year ago, I never thought I'd be in this mindframe.
 
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