I suck at balancing time. Always have.
I have very few friends. This has been true for a long time. I'm trying to change it.
Those two things mean that I'm trying to make more friends, spend time with them, and not double-book myself every Saturday night.
Before I met Karma, I went to school, and I came home and helped around the house, did my homework, and spent hours online, or in a book. I really only have a handful of friends, and most of them have moved pretty far away from me. A lives in another state, M lives miles away and her mother hates me. I chat with people from school on occasion, but much of the last five or six years of my life has been characterized by profound loneliness. Once every month or two M would come over for a weekend. Every two or three years, I'd see A. Sometimes I'd go out somewhere with kids from school. I rarely did it twice.
After I met Karma, I started spending any time I could free up with him.
When Karma and I got involved, I started spending obscenely late hours with him any time I could. I stayed out way too late on school nights, and regularly sacrificed projects and homework time just to see him for a couple of hours.
I have responsibilities at home that mean I don't actually have an overwhelming amount of free time in my life. Last year, he got more of my time than I had to give.
He's mad at me right now, because lately, almost every time he's wanted to see me, I've been hanging out with friends. He wants to spend time with me, alone.
On one hand I feel guilty for making him feel like I don't want to be around him, or spend time with just him.
On the other hand, I'm hurt that he doesn't realize how much I've sacrificed in the past to chase him. I've lost several friends over him - including my best friend M, because her mother found out about him. A lot of people respect me less because I chose to pursue him. I'm hurt that he can't find it in himself to be patient while I try to find time for everyone, when he got the benefit of almost all of my free time for a long, long time.
Much of the last year, I blew off almost everybody except him, because he only ever seemed to be free at obscenely late hours of the night, and I wanted to see him.
I would promise J that I'd spend an afternoon with him, then end up canceling to go see Brett, or inviting both of them over, so I could keep both promises. A stopped hearing from me. M and I gave up.
I'll also add, here, that since I was a secret at first, there were a lot of nights he'd promise to come get me, and I'd sneak out of the house and sit in the cold for hours, waiting. I should have been sleeping, or finishing homework. But every time the phone rang, I dropped everything I was doing. More than half the time, he'd never come, and he'd never call.
I try not to hold grudges, especially with loved ones, but I feel like a lot of the time he hasn't respected MY time, and how much of it I've given him.
I've been trying to identify things that fuel my depression, and loneliness is a huge one.
So I've been trying to make friends. I've been trying to go out and do things, trying to be social again.
It's been really helping.
But it's also been an adjustment - I'm used to only really having J and Karma to hang out with. I'm not very good at making sure everyone gets time, because my free time is sporadic at best.
Things at home are rough. My parents are both doing a lot of overtime at home, bringing work home, etc. My grandma's requiring more supervision. The house is still under construction.
Usually, I invite people over, so I can both have company and be there for my family if they need anything.
My family all find Karma disrespectful and rude, and don't want him over. They can't stand how he talks to them or to me.
In the interest of avoiding conflict, I've stopped inviting him over. That really kind of limits the time I can spend with him. I've been waiting to find time to go hang out with him at his place, while also being around for my family.
It's really, really hard to do both, and it really hurts me that he doesn't see how much I'm trying to make EVERYONE happy - for once, myself included.
I feel like I've asked for precious little from him - I just need time to work shit out. The changes that go along with that mean that I have to learn new ways of dividing time so everyone gets to chill, and everyone gets the support and help and downtime they need.
Does anyone have advice for how to free up time, or balance it better?
Do schedules help?
Like, J gets Monday through Wednesday evenings, and Karma gets Thursday through Saturday evenings, and Sunday is for other friends or something?
What do I do when I start school again?
My last year of high school was full of nights out until six in the morning, a cup of coffee on my way out the door, and zeroes on assignments. It is a fucking marvel I didn't have a complete breakdown, or fail my senior year of high school. He'd tell me he'd come see me, I'd sit and wait for hours, and he'd never show, and not call. Or I'd stay out with him all night, because the time he could spare for me was so precious and so very, very little. I CHOSE to spend my time with him. I chose to spend time I didn't have to spare with him. I felt like it was worth it at the time. Now I just feel hurt.
I feel like I've been super patient and forgiving with him and the troubles he's had managing time - don't I deserve the same patience?
I feel really hurt, and really confused. I can manage time just fine with school and work, but not my social life. I don't get why. Maybe it's because I'm not used to having one.
I'm kind of at a loss. What do I do?
I want to spend time with friends, I want to make new friends, I want to hang out with the old ones. I'm really really prone to accidentally promising two or three people time in the same weekend. The solution has generally been to hang out with all of them - not ideal, I know, but I like telling people "Umm...I promised to hang out with someone else..." even less.
Just...Ugh.