Total Reprogramming

I'm new to both dating and to being poly and I've been struggling with the "when to tell" thing. There's been kind of a steep learning curve, to tell the truth. I do think it's different for me as a woman, but, Beatbox, if at possible, you will find it considerably easier to start by dating a polygirl rather than approaching someone who will very likely not be cool with you being married.

Several times recently, I've dated mono men and I found them particularly difficult because they really didn't want to hear that I'm dating others, they sort of dismissively said yes, they were fine with me dating others or whatever, then, very quickly, changed their minds. It got stressful so I've taken a break from them for a while.

I think, though, that if you didn't tell a mono woman up front, she'd be pretty p*ssed if you're married. Single and dating others, you could probably get away with til the second date. But most mono women want relationships and they don't want to waste time with someone who really isn't available to them. Polygirl, Beatbox, give it a try. OKCupid can be a nice place to find polyfolk.

Thank you Sunnydee for the advise. I did sign up to OKcupid, and with some persistence perhaps something might come of it.
 
Hey everyone,

I just thought I'd share a response I got from a woman on OKCupid that you might find interesting.

ME:
Yes, I'm married. I'm upfront about it, and she knows that I come here to meet people. And 'weird' though it may be to some, my wife and I are okay with sharing each other. I love her very much and I can let her go, and she can do the same for me. A consensual agreement.

I read your profile and you are not into married men, and I totally understand that. Cheating married men are devious, lying, hypocritical, assholes who just want to get theirs and save their own ass when the shit hits the fan.

I, however, am not a cheater, and never have been. I am a dedicated, loving, and generous person who doesn't need to lie, or deceive you or my wife. I am open about who I am and the things I need in a relationship. I was told this site was open minded about this kind of thing, but perhaps, like in my own case, it takes some getting used to.

I appreciate you writing back at least. If you wanna be friends, that's cool, if not, best of luck to you and I hope you find what makes you happy.

HER:I'm an open minded person...but I will never, ever understand swingers- in my opinion it's trashy and really the only people who could be ok with sharing someone they were head-over-heels in love with are damaged people in general...or they aren't actually in love. :) Again, my opinion- so friendship wouldn't be a good idea. Best of luck! Adult Friend Finder would probably be a better place for you and your wife.


I take issue with the underlined. It implies much about me and my wife that she can't possibly know. I am head over heels in love with my wife. Does she drive me frickin crazy? yes....Does she have her issues? Of course. But that's what makes her my wife, and I chose her for god damn good reason. :cool:

Still, though you gotta laugh :D

Sorry I cussed......I'm gonaa go towel down now....:rolleyes:
 
HER:I'm an open minded person...but I will never, ever understand swingers- in my opinion it's trashy and really the only people who could be ok with sharing someone they were head-over-heels in love with are damaged people in general...or they aren't actually in love. :) Again, my opinion- so friendship wouldn't be a good idea. Best of luck! Adult Friend Finder would probably be a better place for you and your wife.


Ooh! that was rude. And obviously she doesnt understand the diff between swingers and poly ppl.
 
Just so you know, It took me a very long time, a lot of dates and many returned messages like that one to find what worked for my husband and my lives. I had just about given up when I met Mono...

Stay strong and let crap like that flow off your back. You could however point out to this woman that she is obviously not in the know about Poly and that OKC is where most of us search for others. AFF is for swingers and that is why you aren't there, because you aren't a swinger. Perhaps she will be interested enough to carry on a conversation... perhaps not. But I reckon a little educating doesn't hurt and only makes Poly more acceptable.
 
Well, Beat, I did tell you mono women will generally not appreciate being approached by a married man. If you search for poly in the keywords, you might be a lot happier with the results.

To be fair, she may have spoken a little rudely, but that's the internet for you. Oth, there's no reason, really, that she should understand there's a "difference" between swingers and poly. Most people aren't going to know anything about this and even swingers and polys still debate it.
 
Oth, there's no reason, really, that she should understand there's a "difference" between swingers and poly. Most people aren't going to know anything about this and even swingers and polys still debate it.

I think it would be nice of Beat to send a reply explaining the difference, of course she doesn't deserve any further communication after a response like that, but still.
Personally I think we should do what we can to 'educate' people if not for their good but for our own. I for one don't like to be associated with swinging because I'm poly. It's two totally different things in my book and I for the life of me can't see why swingers and poly people would debate if there actually is a difference.

Swinging is about the sex, poly is about building a meaningful relationship which involve sex yes, but that's not the main focus. IMO.
 
Well, Beat, I did tell you mono women will generally not appreciate being approached by a married man. If you search for poly in the keywords, you might be a lot happier with the results.

To be fair, she may have spoken a little rudely, but that's the internet for you. Oth, there's no reason, really, that she should understand there's a "difference" between swingers and poly. Most people aren't going to know anything about this and even swingers and polys still debate it.

I certainly was not trying to point a finger at you about this response. In fact, I did look up Poly people, but they seem to be few and far away from me. I am still looking though.

This was something that occurred because I had rated her high, and she rated me high, she instantly received an email (A way for OKCupid to bring people together but not FROM me). So she did have an interest, although one based on pictures rather than the content of the profile. She then read the profile and was disappointed, or just grossed out, or whatever and that's how it began.

As far as taking time to explain to her the difference between swinging and poly, I have neither the time or inclination to continue the conversation. She obviously would rather place me in some icky-man catagory than listen to what I say about it.

Ahh well, via con queso. :cool:
 
I certainly was not trying to point a finger at you about this response. In fact, I did look up Poly people, but they seem to be few and far away from me. I am still looking though.

As far as taking time to explain to her the difference between swinging and poly, I have neither the time or inclination to continue the conversation. She obviously would rather place me in some icky-man catagory than listen to what I say about it.

Ahh well, via con queso. :cool:

Goodness, I know that. I don't take things that personally. :)

I agree. When someone isn't open to listening, why bother? You have no reason to try to convince anyone. And, well, people do debate it, quite hotly. There was just a very long and emotional debate on one of the groups I subscribe to. I don't care to debate it, but there are those that do.
 
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Just so you know, It took me a very long time, a lot of dates and many returned messages like that one to find what worked for my husband and my lives. I had just about given up when I met Mono...

Stay strong and let crap like that flow off your back. You could however point out to this woman that she is obviously not in the know about Poly and that OKC is where most of us search for others. AFF is for swingers and that is why you aren't there, because you aren't a swinger. Perhaps she will be interested enough to carry on a conversation... perhaps not. But I reckon a little educating doesn't hurt and only makes Poly more acceptable.

My wife and I laughed about it afterward so I'm not bothered by it. I'm certainly not worried about what she thinks of me.

But going off topic:
Being poly has totally changed my outlook on marriage. I see this as an evolution in thought and I don't think I could, or would go back. Eliminating jealousy, deep trust, honesty, communication...these are the things I need in a relationship and it seemed to me before that all of it was lacking.

Now its not back all the way yet, but it has made remarkable improvement in a short period of time. And it all came from a mutual wanting to stay together. So much so that we are able to let each other go, if that makes sense.

I am not perfect, and I am not always going to see eye to eye with my wife. So she has someone who can fill in the gaps. I want her to be happy.

On the other hand she wants the same for me. She has been very supportive of me finding someone and I have found that I can talk to her about it....I love that I can do that now.....

The other night we were at an Italian Restaurant near my house and we were being served by the waitress. And she was beautiful. Red hair, nice smile, great body, and I told my wife that I liked her. Well the meal went on and I tried to talk to her at the table, except I kinda got nervous and stuttered a bit. My wife laughed and thought it was cute.

Well, I didn't say anything else, cuz I was kind of embarrassed, but I just love that we can talk like that to each other now...I felt really good for the rest of the night just because of that.
 
The other night we were at an Italian Restaurant near my house and we were being served by the waitress. And she was beautiful. Red hair, nice smile, great body, and I told my wife that I liked her. Well the meal went on and I tried to talk to her at the table, except I kinda got nervous and stuttered a bit. My wife laughed and thought it was cute.

The thing I enjoyed most in the beginning was the openness; walking down the street and my partner spotting a nice looking girl and telling me that he found her atractive.
I'm bi so we can look at women together. I know his taste so well by now that if I see a woman he would like I tell him to look.
 
How many want to share how their rules have changed from the beginning?

I don't know that the rules have changed. We don't have many rules, to begin with, so there isn't much to change.

•Safe sex if not fluid bonded
•Our marriage is primary--any relationship that places undue strain on it will end (no tolerance for extreme drama)

Um, that's it. We share such preferences as an aversion to heavy drinkers and regular drug users, so we don't need rules about that. I prefer other partners to meet Curly prior to any serious dating, though that's not required; I suspect she expects the same of anybody she'd get involved with, though I've not asked (because I don't expect to meet them prior).

We have the expectations that we will still spend adequate time together for our relationship and so forth. There are no rules about how many nights we have to be home or anything like that.

I think the driving principle could be stated as "Nurture the relationship" and our behavior serves that. If I'm nurturing the relationship, I'm making certain I spend enough time with her, that I'm paying her enough attention, that we're engaged in growing our marriage, and she's getting what she needs from me. As long as that's happening, everything else is pretty much OK.
 
Thanks for that Crow.

I realize the sensitive nature of the boundries that we have with our spouses. Apparently you have not come across a situation where you thought you might need to tweek the rules a bit, because you or your spouse were feeling uneasy about something.

I guess trust is the key there.
 
I think it would be nice of Beat to send a reply explaining the difference, of course she doesn't deserve any further communication after a response like that, but still.
Personally I think we should do what we can to 'educate' people if not for their good but for our own. I for one don't like to be associated with swinging because I'm poly. It's two totally different things in my book and I for the life of me can't see why swingers and poly people would debate if there actually is a difference.

Swinging is about the sex, poly is about building a meaningful relationship which involve sex yes, but that's not the main focus. IMO.

Some really good points here and some nicely debatable.
I often vacillate myself on the "educational" part as there's some part of me - when I see reactions like the response from her - that makes me want to cry out "WHOOOAAA here - we need some understanding and clarity here" and try to take the time to do some sharing and educating for...???.... the greater good ? But then I sometimes fall back and say "who am I to try to influence someone elses thinking/worldview ? Let it go !

I think this itself might make a fine thread for this forum as it's likely that most of us here are here primarilly for that purpose - to share & learn from each other. To reach out for "the greater good" etc.

Does anyone else agree ? Shall we ? Is there enough interest ?
 
Well, like all topics of debate you have some who wish to explain & convert, or at least get someone to see your POV. Then there are those who would rather not influence others and feel no real duty to explain it, especially if they are hostile, or rude about it. Which I am...

I prefer, however, to tell if asked and only when asked. Of course I only mean this in context of someone who is curious about it and wants to know more.

However, If I am..say trying to date a mono and she needs to know that I am married and poly, then I may try to be more persuasive with my POV. Depends on the situation.
 
Yes true in your case Mono, but that doesn't mean that some mono women aren't fine as all get out and in need of something special in their lives. Like me? :cool:

In that case, I may find it very necessary to carefully explain all of the good attributes of ploy, while downplaying perhaps it drawbacks.

Resistance at first is to be expected, but like the 12 step program, acceptance being in their somehwere, I think it may be possible to administer the "blue" pill of poly and show them a world they might never have known. ;)

btw- Did I tell you guys how full of it I can be?
 
Greetings everyone,

The adventure continues.......
I have rediscovered an old high school friend of mine, whom I loved deeply. Not in the romantic sense, but we connected mentally.Our friendship was intense and very intertwined with other high school friends who are beginning to come back into the picture (Mostly because of Facebook)

I'll call her Kate.

Now this will never be a physical relationship, but a very deep, emotional one. I was so excited I have barely been able to sleep the past few days.

Seems silly, but I feel like I have opened a floodgate and the pressure I felt has released. It has been amazing.

btw - I resisted facebook, and the fact that I have rekindled this friendship has made it worthwhile. Very worthwhile.

:D
 
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