did I screw up

countryguy

New member
My wife and have been trying to start a V with a guy she has known for some time and she is wanting to go spend a couple of nights with him in a few weeks for the first time ever. We have discussed some of our own rules but never put anything in writing. So the other day I went and started to make a draft of them, well at least my concerns. Gave them to her to look over and I know some of them she would object totally to. And others she would just want modified a little. I never thought that a couple of them hurt her feelings, she also said that I was thinking way to much about it. I told her that this is just a draft about my concerns and just want her to make what changes to what I have and then we can come up with a final set. And all I was trying to do was protect our marriage.
So I wonder if I really screwed up trying to do the right thing. Or is there something else I have overlooked. And I told her I ahead of time that I was doing this draft of the rules and guidelines and hope to have it were she can review it this weekend.
 
I don't see anything wrong with guidelines, especially in the early weeks, months or years of being new to polyamory.

But, emotions do run high and I am also not surprised your wife reacted the way she did. Especially since she is the one with NRE (new relationship energy) which is a very charged hormonal state. Some people don't understand when you're in one relationship, you can't just let the NRE with new shiny person carry you away, as it could if you were single.
 
I don't see anything wrong with guidelines either. I do believe writing it down can open doors to conversations and topics that may be hard to bring up. Communication is the key and like any relationship, poly relationships change and grow as things go along. You may find yourself more comfortable with certain things as the relationships go along and you are more comfortable with her boyfriend also.
Being open and up front with her boyfriend helps a lot too. My wife's boyfriend and I are really good friends and have a lot of respect for each other. You don't have to be friends, but I think it makes thing easier/better.
 
Communication is always key and writing things down a good way to get any concerns out of your head where they can be addressed.

That said, like any form of communication, presentation is very important. I may be off base, but if you hurt your wife's feelings, I am wondering if you presented something in a way that indicated you don't trust her?
 
The one thing that I think did hurt her the most was the one about if she got pregnant on accident. I put in there cause her and I don't have our kids yet being we only been married 4 months and I have a daughter who is from my previous marriage. And then also I rather her and I have a baby or 2 before she accidentally have one with him. And also the fact the that it will be really hard to explain why she is pregnant when I need to get unfixed first.
 
The one thing that I think did hurt her the most was the one about if she got pregnant on accident. I put in there cause her and I don't have our kids yet being we only been married 4 months and I have a daughter who is from my previous marriage. And then also I rather her and I have a baby or 2 before she accidentally have one with him. And also the fact the that it will be really hard to explain why she is pregnant when I need to get unfixed first.

So your rule was that she is not allowed to get pregnant with anyone but you, and if she does that she needs to have an abortion?

And she would prefer what? To be "allowed" to have a kid with this person if she chooses?
 
IMO, you did not screw up. Look, everyone has boundaries and levels of comfort. You sound relatively new to poly, and what you are proposing is not ridiculous. You have a right to voice what you are/are not comfortable with, and do not let a person tell you anything outside of that. Having boundaries, limits, and knowing which things will not suffice is perfectly acceptable. No one likes an agreeable, spineless, doormat of a Patsy. Also, if you never voice your concerns and be heard, that leaves the chance for resentment to enter the picture.

If you do not mind me asking, how did you present it to her? How you say something can really alter the way a person reacts, or sometimes they just get titty hurt for no reason. You addressed your concerns. You gave the option to tweak them as necessary and come up with something you BOTH could agree on. What is her issue again?
 
I think we would need to know what the rules are, and how you presented them to really be able to tell you where things went wrong.

It's possible she finds them too restrictive, or is insulted that you would dictate how she should handle her health and body. It's also possible that she's offended by a lack of trust implied in how you're going about it.

Creating a set of rules on your own probably made it feel like a list of demands. You might get better results sitting down with her and discussing your comfort levels and boundaries together before writing anything down.
 
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So she's hurt.

You were trying to communicate how you feel, and you tried a method -- wrote down your concerns, and wanted to talk about it one at a time and arrive at some kind of written agreement together after processing drafts.

You could apologize for hurting her accidentally. You could ask her to talk to you on two "levels."

1) Communicate -- about the concerns you wrote down. What are her concerns?

2) Then metacommunicate -- about HOW concerns were presented and how the convo went. What worked for you? What worked for her? What didn't work? What about that method did not appeal? That she had no chance to bring her OWN list to the table?

To me? Polyshipping is to engage in emotional edge play because you enter into all kinds of situations people don't "normally do."

Like talk about family planning concerns such as "I would like us to have our bio kids before you have other bio kids with your BF."

Some dings are going to be expected -- as you and she learn how to communicate about poly-related concerns.

This is not "screwing up." This is the nature of the beast. Nobody is ever ding free. Everyone could assume positive intent and work through the dings.

Again -- could apologize for accidentally hurting her feelings, let her know you aren't out to hurt her... you are simply learning new skills here and have concerns you want to iron out. That you welcome her input and want to hear her concerns too. This is a two-way street here.

See if you both feel better.

Galagirl
 
The one thing that I think did hurt her the most was the one about if she got pregnant on accident. I put in there cause her and I don't have our kids yet being we only been married 4 months and I have a daughter who is from my previous marriage. And then also I rather her and I have a baby or 2 before she accidentally have one with him. And also the fact the that it will be really hard to explain why she is pregnant when I need to get unfixed first.

Has your wife ever even talked about desiring pregnancy with the guy? If she has not, and if she is actively trying to prevent pregnancy I think you went overboard. An accidental pregnancy is something no one can predict and if such an occurrence did happen, the outcomes would need to be discussed by not just you and your wife, but also the father of the child would deserve a say. It is not something you can easily say with 100% "we will do x" if this happens.

I think also if you say you put some things on the list knowing they would upset your wife that perhaps you should have discussed those things with her first, and tried to reach a middle ground, instead of approaching her with something that seemed to be set in stone that you knew she would have issues with.
 
I really don't find this a screwup... Maybe some people feel that this would have been better with a discussion first, but if you're one of those people (like me) who needs to get your thoughts down on paper, lest you end up all over the place during the actual discussion, then you've done what you needed to do in order to START the discussion.

If it's something you feel you need to bring up, rather than have it sit and eat away at you at some low level, then bring it up. I've done it with P, and while I know he was a bit taken aback by the thing I was concerned about, it was important for me to be able to bring it up before it happened and explain how I may react and why, if it ever DOES happen.

Apologies if I'm rambling and unclear. Camping in a leaky tent after having been exposed to someone with a cold is NOT working in my best interests today... Guh.
 
I have no problem with someone needing notes to themselves to make sure they discuss all their concerns during conversation.

But if you gave me a list of rules and regulations. Or a contract . I would be pissed off.
 
Thank you for all of the replies. Now that i have sat down with a semi clear head and reread the main one that she said she hurt her. And yeah i could have reworded it a lot better. "If an accidental pregnancy happens it will be up to him to take care of the issue whether you decide to carry to term or to abort. This will be a discussion all of us will have to sit down and talk about if it happens. she knows I have a slight problem with choosing the right words. I had it all nicely typed up and presented it to her when we went to bed which is where we do about 85% of our poly relationship talks and didnt think it about asking her about if she wanted to go over it then or wanted to wait.
 
To me, it sounds like you did great.

For us, our rule for anything preceded by "I'm not sure how to say this..." is "Spit it out and get it on the table", we'll withhold judgement and figure out what it means together.

Writing it down is always good. It's ok that she was upset or hurt, the bottom line is that you actively communicated your concerns and you all worked through it.
 
Hi countryguy

My husband and I, and also my boyfriend and I, discuss quite a few things by email or texting. We find that sometimes it is easier to get our thoughts out in writing, rather than in a conversation. When I am talking with one of them, I find that my mind often doesnt recall all of the points that are relevant, and so doing it in writing allows all of us to get it all out, and lets the receiver take the time to read, digest, and think about how s/he feels about it.

For example, I recently sent my husband two emails, one was Willow's Definition of Sexual Contact and the other was Willow's Suggestions on Dividing Time Between Lovers. Both kind of loaded topics for us, so sending him a "preview" of what I wanted to discuss gives him time to formulate an opinion, especially if I bring up something he had not considered before.

I dont think you did anything wrong, per se. But there is always a learning curve, for what will work for you and your partner as you go along.

Good luck!
Willow
 
Thank you for all of the replies. Now that i have sat down with a semi clear head and reread the main one that she said she hurt her. And yeah i could have reworded it a lot better. "If an accidental pregnancy happens it will be up to him to take care of the issue whether you decide to carry to term or to abort. This will be a discussion all of us will have to sit down and talk about if it happens. she knows I have a slight problem with choosing the right words. I had it all nicely typed up and presented it to her when we went to bed which is where we do about 85% of our poly relationship talks and didnt think it about asking her about if she wanted to go over it then or wanted to wait.

Bringing up the issue is certainly valid. If I was in your wife's shoes, I would welcome the conversation. However, for future reference, maybe try wording particularly dicey subjects as a question. For example, "I am concerned about how we would handle an accidental pregnancy with the bf. What are your thoughts?" Granted, I realize *your* thoughts include financial responsibility on the bf's part, but eliciting someone else's opinion before laying out your own often works wonders. It could very well be that if asked, she may have come to the same conclusion. As it was you *sound* totally disinterested in a baby she may want to keep - especially given that unfixing you is not 100% guaranteed.
 
The impression I got from the OP was that the "rules" draft was a launchpad for a discussion. I think the terminology may have been a bit off-putting ("list of rules") maybe due to inexperience, but it seems that the intent was to have a discussion and a mutual agreement, after going back and forth and revising the list a few times.

If there were no discussion to be had - a my-way-or-the-highway thing, I'd be more inclined to agree with everyone that this is doomed before it even gets out of the gate.

Maybe, countryguy, now that you've seen your wife's reaction, and the reaction of folks here, you may want to broach future concerns as more of a discussion topic than as a list of rules, but I know that I had quite a few stumbles at the start as well, and it seems that your intent wasn't out of place.

Time and experience, and working together - that's what's going to help smooth out the rough edges. Learning HOW to work together is key. Good luck.
 
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