Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 02-24-2017, 10:02 PM
Spork's Avatar
Spork Spork is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,526
Default

Funny thing about the whole unicorn business is that I actually DO see HBB's on Fetlife in the local personal ads groups, looking to join a couple.

Actually, I see that more than I see couples there seeking a "third" (of the female unicorn persuasion.)

The more common thing I see though is bi guys looking to share sex with a couple, and couples looking to do the hotwife thing, although singles (men or women) looking for other singles to hook up or partner up are the most common.

I'm just saying that I've seen enough unicorns to conclude that they aren't really all that mythical.

The question that remains, for me, though, is the viability longterm of the relationship model, as I've heard an awful lot of not-success-stories. And I certainly do see lots of bright eyed, bushy tailed couples cheerfully popping up in the community "seeking our third" and shortly after finding that it's not easy for one reason or another. Honestly...I would really like to hear more success stories from people who have done the closed FMF thing and made it work longterm. I'd like to believe that where there's a will, there's a way. And for something that so many people WANT, there's got to be some of 'em out there actually managing to pull it off, right?
__________________
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 17, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 02-24-2017, 10:32 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
I haven't even been able to get a list of the available social groups, at least not on the first try.
Community >> Social Groups >> View All Groups
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/group.php?do=grouplist

(The part that does bug me is that there is only one category available... & that'sUncategorized. At least, I'd think that having "regional" & "other" would be somewhat useful.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
Maybe having more specific sections (such as we have the dating&friendships section, with the "Europe" subforum) would help the cause better?
What in part started me on this thread was in fact the common misunderstandings of how the (rather simple) forum structure works here. Noobs show up on Introductions & plead for help, or Meetings and Events to try hooking up with people, in both places not unusually chattering at four-year-old posts. Of those who do so in the latter, roughly half post once, get no response, & are gone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
I'm not sure that presenting their problems to a more specific audience would help. ... I guess there is some sweetspot to be met.
The "sweet spot" (IMO) would be to keep noobs around long enough to get some sort of empathetic-yet-solid feedback.

That might also mean that we can reduce the number of... oh, not wanting to sound mean but... training wheels discussions.

That's from my IRL experience, where every freakin' poly discussion-group meeting ALWAYS turned into "Jealousy: Threat, or Menace?" & soon enough drove actual practicing polyfolk away, leaving... well, one or two well-intentioned fools repeating the same litany, meet after meet. Those in a stable, happy relationship would show up & feel as though they were being talked down to, with noobs haranguiing them about the imminent danger of Jealousy. (And when I attended one with a very cute lover, the presentation soon fell apart with all the head-swivelling from the single males & "couples seeking," which seemed to indicate why they were actually there. )

Online, maybe they can work better amongst themselves, with reduced distractions & side-talk, given a spot that encourages focus. That place is NOT the general fora.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
I often find myself unexpectedly able to relate to stories which on the surface don't have much in common with my own experience, or not able to relate at all to someone in the same poly configuration. So if I ask a question I find that the more people read it, the better.
That's a logic leap, from "I learn so much (well, sometimes) from threads that bog down in crosstalk" to "therefore, when I have a problem I need help with, I seek out the high-distraction area."

The latter can certainly happen... for those of us with a fairly high degree of English literacy, & some ability to express ourselves properly & adequately in print, & some willingness to stand up for what we believe to be right AND to compromise when faced with a likely need for change. That does, though, clearly tend to exclude some.

That first part is certainly true -- a degree of chaos often stirs up nuggets of wisdom that otherwise get buried in boring old structure. But (again) not everyone is comfortable reading a complex thread, & I'd argue that someone who's been stuck in Romantic monogamy & is only recently familiar with the barest concept of polyamory --which seems to cover many first-time posters -- is ill suited to glean any positives from the whirlwind.

I'd hope that some Social Group or other could be a "safe space" where -- besides finding support & aid from actual peers -- they'd also give each other some breathing space, learn how the site works with less pressure, comment amongst themselves on the hot Forum threads, glance past grammatic imperfection, & overall feel less risk of judgment or criticism for honestly-made errors.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 02-24-2017, 11:12 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spork View Post
I've seen enough unicorns to conclude that they aren't really all that mythical.
That's why I added the ellipsis after typing that -- the thought occurred to me, "y'know, we've been saying that for so many years, what if it turns out we're strawheads?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spork View Post
Honestly...I would really like to hear more success stories from people who have done the closed FMF thing and made it work longterm.
Totally on board with that sentiment. Triad or vee, & even open would be fine.

It does seem that the discussion area often serves as one big amorphous Agony Aunt, so new joiners are probably MUCH more likely to arrive on the virtual stoop in some degree of turmoil, rather than tales of success & celebration.

As monogamy is not anywhere near a societal norm, I figure that anyone who's actually doing it -- on their own, no help but Veaux & TES, no social support network but no toxic melodrama -- might at least get curious about how it's going for like-minded people elsewhere, & fetch up here readily enough. But it does sorta look like having a big melodramatic story to tell is the ticket of entry, & what's a happy person to do?
________________

Before I forget: this is everything I've found here about Social Groups.
Quote:
What is a social group?

A social group is a group of people usually with a particular interest or something else in common. It provides a way of communicating between members as well as sharing photos or other images.

You can get to the list through 'Group Memberships' section on your public profile.

The Social Groups list page displays all groups that have been created. You can list the groups by the number of members, messages or pictures, the group name, when the group was created or by the date of the most recent message posted. You can use the controls provided to search for a group.

How do I join a group?

To join a group, click the group title then click 'Join Group'. When you have joined a group, its name will be shown in your public profile. You must be a logged-in, registered member to join groups.

Can I create my own social group?

As a registered member, you can create your own social group (providing the administrator allows this). Go to the groups page and click 'Create A New Group'. Complete the title and description for your group then select the type. There are three types of groups:
  • Public - open to everyone. There is no restriction on who can join or who can post messages to it
  • Invite Only - require an invitation to be sent to join them. Invitations can only be sent by the group creator or forum moderators and administrators. Invitations are sent by clicking 'Pending & Invited Members' at the bottom of the page for that individual group
  • Moderated - open to everyone to join but messages need to be moderated before they will appear. They are moderated by the group creator and the site moderators and administrators
The third option is a lot of work AND tends to make the Mod look like a control freak, which is reasonable as it takes a proper obsessive/compulsive to take on that much responsibility. An open-minded benign dictator often does well in such miniature kingdoms.

Properly, though, I'd want to give a founding Mod opportunity to approve memberships AND to approve posts, rather than one or the other. However, if the Mod flakes or gafiates, the Group dies; there's no apparent way for control to be passed to anew Mod.

I may have to find out for myself, but does anyone know if it'spossible to "disinvite" -- well, banish -- a Group member who's gone unruly, or proves to've entered under false circumstances?
________________

IMNSHO, what would make this better is an option to have the Group discussions made viewable ONLY by group members (& moderators & admins, of course), but that's my nature.

See, I love to learn stuff... but I really hate to look stupid by making the first attempts. I finally learned to accept the "looking stupid" part & get on with the learning, & I often develop moderate-to-high skill quite quickly at just about anything (except passing a football ; it's just humiliating... or hilarious, depending).

Maybe new members would be more likely to open up if they didn't feel their stumbles were forever viewable to hundreds if not thousands if not billions.
________________

Well, with THAT much sorted, I hope to see good things.

The cause of this thread continues to lurk in the back of my mind.

If nothing appears, I will (likely, eventually) launch a catch-all Group, with intent of it being interim only. As stated at the beginning, I have no personal experience with polyfidelity, & I can be a bit baffled by a viewpoint that doesn't reach for maximal freedom -- even-handed moderation I can do, but with intent to eventually step away & let it be self-operating by those directly concerned.

Of course, anyone's free to beat me to it...
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 02-25-2017, 12:00 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,080
Default

Re (from Spork):
Quote:
"I'm just saying that I've seen enough unicorns to conclude that they aren't really all that mythical."
I'm sure that women willing to join an M/F couple do exist ... What I'm not so sure exists is women willing to be treated badly by said couple. Even if the couple doesn't realize it's treating them badly. A woman who'll take that punishment and remain satisfied is what we call a unicorn. I don't know if it exists, but I'm pretty sure there's fewer "unicorns" than there are "unicorn hunters." Also it's questionable whether the existence of a unicorn would be a good thing.

Of course I realize not everyone uses the word unicorn according to such a restrictive definition. But I think that that definition is assumed by many here on Polyamory.com (and on various other sites). I'm just sayin'.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 02-25-2017, 12:18 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,363
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/group.php?do=grouplist

(The part that does bug me is that there is only one category available... & that'sUncategorized. At least, I'd think that having "regional" & "other" would be somewhat useful.)
Oh, my bad - I think I also got tripped up on the "uncategorized" thing, some structure would definitely help.

Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen:
I often find myself unexpectedly able to relate to stories which on the surface don't have much in common with my own experience, or not able to relate at all to someone in the same poly configuration. So if I ask a question I find that the more people read it, the better.
That's a logic leap, from "I learn so much (well, sometimes) from threads that bog down in crosstalk" to "therefore, when I have a problem I need help with, I seek out the high-distraction area."
I think you misunderstood me here somewhat - I wasn't talking about threads departing from the original topic. I was talking about people experiencing the same psychological processes in situations that are very different on the first glance (but essentially tell the same human story).
You seem to be saying that the general forum is too inclusive to provide advice to specific relationships configurations, and that was just never my impression. However if you and others do have this problem, it probably would be worth it to have more narrow sub-areas.

Quote:
The "sweet spot" (IMO) would be to keep noobs around long enough to get some sort of empathetic-yet-solid feedback.
...
Online, maybe they can work better amongst themselves, with reduced distractions & side-talk, given a spot that encourages focus. That place is NOT the general fora.
...
I'd hope that some Social Group or other could be a "safe space" where -- besides finding support & aid from actual peers -- they'd also give each other some breathing space, learn how the site works with less pressure, comment amongst themselves on the hot Forum threads, glance past grammatic imperfection, & overall feel less risk of judgment or criticism for honestly-made errors.
Yes, I get your point (although I never ever had this kind of trouble).
So, I think the cases you point out are twofold and should be addressed separately:
  • Newbies with an improper understanding of polyamory, "catching the vocabulary" etc.
  • People searching/living a specific relationship configuration (polyfidelity, FMF V, secondaries, ...), who wish to only discuss with others living that configuration

The "newbie subforum" would have to be visible on the first visit of the site, so Social Groups in their current form are probably not suitable. Maybe it could be on the same level as the poly relationships corner? I'm not sure how to make it separate from the bigger forum community though, or if it's even desirable ...

For the second case, maybe distinct social groups could work, so I will support the endeavour by pointing people towards your FMF group if you do found one
__________________
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44

Last edited by Tinwen; 02-25-2017 at 12:20 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 02-25-2017, 08:09 PM
SW1231 SW1231 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Annapolis, MD
Posts: 51
Default

The expanse of human sexuality is infinite. There are dynamics that poly people do not have, and maybe are not into, and while that may carry weight, it can sometimes lead to biased advice. That is not, however, mentioned, to minimize said advice- but, I think that creating a forum for people to express feelings of discomfort within a certain construct could be very advantageous. If someone is having a problem with their "closed MFM triad", for example, it may be really good to get a bunch of responses from people who are actually in triads, or have been in triads, etc. If that makes sense?

Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
couple looking, fmf, polyfidelity, triad, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:34 PM.