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Old 09-17-2016, 12:35 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hi Orlandobif,

I don't feel a strong draw towards finding my people, I am satisfied with the two other people in my V (and the two cats). I don't think anyone is completely a match for anyone else because we're all different and unique. Even identical twins are not identical in every respect.

Polyamory.com is the closest thing to a community that I have, and it keeps me pretty busy. I don't get along with everyone on the forum, certainly not all the time, nor do I see eye to eye with everyone on the forum. But that's okay, I don't expect everyone to be my friend. One of the reasons I'm here is to acquaint myself with the (differing) viewpoints of other polyamorists. (And of the monogamists that love them.)

I'm not what you would call an outgoing person, I spend a lot of time by myself (unless you count my forum activity). I try to be as polite as possible and not at all like the bad-tempered guy I used to be.

Hopefully that answers some of your question.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 09-18-2016, 07:19 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724

As Kevin so aptly said,
I don't get along with everyone on the forum, certainly not all the time, nor do I see eye to eye with everyone on the forum. But that's okay, I don't expect everyone to be my friend.
Just because I disagree with folks here doesn't mean I don't admire 'em, often deeply. It's a cryptofamilial thng.

It's difficult to feel truly unique... but not at all bad.

(A Buddhist thing. PM me FFI.)

Last edited by Ravenscroft; 09-18-2016 at 07:22 AM.
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Old 09-26-2016, 07:57 PM
harleyquinn harleyquinn is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: North West England
Posts: 9

Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
I feel very much like I don't fit anywhere. I was bullied growing up... I've been bullied as an adult by other adults. (Because some "adults" never got over high school mean girl mindsets...) So I've become kinda conditioned to believe that even if I have a lot in common with people, they probably aren't going to like me, with the result that I feel like I don't fit, so I act like I don't fit, so I end up not fitting.

I'm working on it.

Meanwhile, I am finding more like-minded people with whom I share at least some interests and/or philosophies, but meeting people at all is really difficult for me because on top of the above issues, I don't really go to many events or places, and I don't belong to any groups or do any activities that are easily shared with others.
I've had very similar experiences to what you describe. I go into situations expecting to not fit in and also form interactions and build relationships with a fear that I will be abandoned and not accepted.

Its gotten better in the past few years, I adopted more of a take it or leave it attitude to interactions. I also am becoming better at embracing what makes me different, who I am and being comfortable in my skin. I dont like to carry the past as a burden, I like to see how it might give me something of value. Being a victim of bullying makes me more sensitive and attuned towards others who might be facing exclusion and struggling with not feeling accepted. I often find myself being the person that makes "outsiders" feel more comfortable and valued.
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Old 10-10-2016, 08:21 AM
2muchlove 2muchlove is offline
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 70

Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I think of many of my friends who often voice that they are seeking their 'tribe.' I understand what they are attempting to convey - that they want a group of people that they understand and who understand them, that shares values in some way, that has a shared passion or focus, etc.

However, when I hear someone say this, I always flash back to my days of reading anthropology. Some actual tribes will slaughter anyone not in the tribe. In fact there are systems of violence that help emphasize 'in' and 'out' of tribes. (No, I don't think Western or 'modern' cultures are immune to this. It's just clearer when you have a few hundred people playing out this dynamic vs. millions.) I don't think this part is what my friends want! But I do think that 'tribalism' is a real thing which encourages us and 'other' thinking.

But to get to my point. I believe that like default monogamy has the myth of one person being the 'Everything', lots of people buy into the myth that there is a community, a group, where we will be accepted and understood without conflict, without all the interpersonal 'games' that humans play, that we will fit in and feel at home.

This does not exist. For anyone. Now does community exist? Yes certainly, it does. Communities are made of people and people are social creatures who will inevitably have conflict, misunderstandings, power issues, lack of communication, and so on. There will always be someway one does not fit in quite well. We will always be a little bit of a square peg in a round hole somewhere because we are both individuals, while being relentlessly social. Those two things are inherently not in opposition but often pulling in opposite directions.

Now is all hope lost? Nope. Communities are imperfect reflections of imperfect people. Accept that people will always play stupid human games and that fitting in perfectly into a group is not possible. Once acceptance of the frailties of community is conscious, suddenly those fragile, annoying groups become precious and special again. Seeing them as they are, and not as we want them to be allows us to be as we are, with our imperfections and lack of fitting in. (And, yes, I have to work at this - it's hard and sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and walk away from my communities.) This does not mean that we have to accept unacceptable behavior, that we don't need to work on our miscues, our fuck-ups in communities. But giving up the myth of a community that perfectly accepts and loves us opens up so much possibility and joy.

Ok, so that's the 10,000 foot view from my perspective. Here's some more nitty-gritty.

When you seek partners, it is not necessary that they personally accept or interact with all of your communities. However, it is critical that they accept those communities, those interest and connections in you. That's different than accepting those communities for themselves. Partners should not be regular mirrors reflecting you back perfectly. (In fact, be suspicious of someone who seems to mirror you too well. Some abusers will use this tactic to get close to people.) Partners should be more like fun house mirrors, reflecting you back in novel, unexpected ways. Don't seek perfect reflection, find those people who show you something different in yourself.

I'm involved in an assortment of various communities. (Polyamory.com is one of them! And the only one that is solely online). I'm involved in my local poly group, in my local kink scene, and with Glow's friends (who are also my friends before we met). And there are other communities - pagan, my blood family and so on. They are far from perfect and undoubtedly I will move away from some or all of them in time. Or they will move away from me. I've had that happen too. But even if a community dissolves or becomes too uncomfortable a fit, I find that I treasure those memories, use the lessons I learned there, tell the funny stories to others, and generally acknowledge that they are part of my personal history, and I am part of theirs.

...woah, what a great post!

So true - even those groups that seem perfectly in sync with each other to the outside eye, how long does that last? all good things come to an end and all that.
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Old 10-27-2016, 02:08 PM
Orlandobif Orlandobif is offline
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 49

I just wanted to acknowledge this post as well written. I thought about it for many days after you wrote it as it resonates with me.

Originally Posted by Reverie View Post
My partner and I were watching some nature documentaries the other day, and there was one on primates, and the narrator said something like, "But as with all primates, of course there are politics..." and went on to describe the hierarchy based on who's who, and haves and have-nots, etc.

And I was just like, "MAN, these games go so far back in human history that it's not even HUMAN history anymore—it's some common-ancestor shit." And I was depressed about it for a while. But then I looked at all the recent justice movements and the progress being made within our species without even evolving into something else, and I began to brighten and even to wonder:

Is that what comes next? Is that what we'll evolve into? Is the thing that will finally separate homo sapiens from what comes after that our descendant species will be enlightened beyond all that? (And then I got sucked into a rabbit hole reading about what makes a species a species, and hominid species in particular, but that's a tangent.)

But for the now, it does seem like we're stuck with it: the in-groups and out-groups, the posturing, the jockeying for position, the hoarding instead of sharing, the obsession with insult and esteem, the splintering into factions any time a group gets big enough. It's just part of being human—any gatherings of humans. All we can really hope for is to find a few true friends among the communities we are members of.

Me too. It SUCKS. Mine is usually because I'm bad at playing "the game." I just wanna live and let live. And then I have a hard time standing up for myself in the moment when I am made a target. I just get flustered and, at best, remove myself, rather than fight back. Sigh.
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