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  #11  
Old 01-04-2015, 04:15 AM
Becca Becca is offline
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This site actually has the best (as far as I've found) group of folks who are interested in thoughtful discussions about poly.

Those were some weird responses you got to that other post-- not sure where that came from.
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  #12  
Old 01-04-2015, 05:51 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly View Post
Our main rules are:
1 Talk over any potentional new partners as early as possible
2 No sponanous sex (that is, we don't have sex with a new person the same night as we met them or realized the connection we had with them. We wait at least one day and ask permission)
3 Use protection or do STD tests before fluent bonding
4 Everyone have to strive at being open and honest and communicate
5 Primaries have the right to veto
6 Don't get so drunk that you don't remember the above rules
This is how we did it both when I met my now boyfriend, and when my husband started to explore things with his might-be-future-girlfriend. It worked well for us so far.

I think it was our rules 1,2 and 5 that some guy were upset about. He felt that everyone in a poly relationship should behave in the beginning as if they were single, not asking permission from anyonem just introduce people like "hey this is my new partner". I have not objection to that, as people are free to make their own rules, but he was being very negative towards our way of doing it, claiming we were mono in disguise or something similar.
1,2 And 5 would be deal breakers for me too, I can see why people would be outraged to hear them
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  #13  
Old 01-04-2015, 09:16 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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I know of the FB group of which you speak...and yes, it's hard to explain, but unless you're of a very specific political and geographic/cultural bent, it won't be a good fit. There is another with the same name where conversations are far more reasonable and poly oriented.

There are going to be people looking for partners in any of the groups, or even here. In fact, that would be what happened with your first posts as it was posted to an area of these forums specifically geared for people who wish to put up classified type ads for partners. If you're interested in only discussion, then I'd recommend you avoid posting to the bottom parts of the forum. And in the event that you have any other issues with unwelcome advances here, (and similar policies will exist on any reasonably run group) then please notify a mod.

With regards to your rules...different people have different ways of running their poly...none are necessarily right or wrong...there's just what works for you....and what works for them. If you get a negative reaction to your rules...then it only means that you've quickly determined that your poly and theirs are not compatible, and thus saved yourself a lot of time, tears, and possibly heartache finding out through a dating trial. Better for it to be upfront and out in the open from the beginning, so prospective partners can make an informed decision about whether such an arrangement is acceptable for them.

Otherwise, yes, there's far more poly's out there and groups, than just the two you've inquired about. It's just a matter of finding your people.

Welcome to the Forum.
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  #14  
Old 01-04-2015, 07:35 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Well, personally I feel "asking permission" is not ideal. I feel each person in an open relationship can request certain things, but both are autonomous and don't need "permission" per se. Agreement, or giving one's blessing, is more like what works for me.

Also, I tried a veto with my ex husband. It didn't work, they still had feelings for each other, and continued as "close friends" and finally hooked up once he and I separated.

These are minor quibbles though, and might just be more semantics than anything.
Well, asking permission, informing or blessing... maybe we just use different words for the same thing. The point is we both had to be comfortable and no surprises. My husband had issues with poly before and so it was very important to him that I didn't trespass whatever boundries he put up. When I called him up to ask permission to be with my now boyfriend, I knew he would say yes - but he still appreciated that I asked. And more; my boyfriend also appreciated it, because he knew from the start that my husband was 100 % into what was happening. For him being new to poly, that was what convinced him we were serious and knew what we were doing.

We have never actually tried out the veto! Once I asked my husband about a woman who did not want to admit having feeling for him, because she was acting very strange towards me, I asked him if he could please speak to her about what was happening. He did, she became upset and that was the end of their close bonds (they were dance partners at the time). I have not always been happy with who my husband has fallen in love with, or the way they behaved, and him the same with mine, but we have never veto'ed them, because we have always done our best to fix things or ended things on our own accord. Veto is more like a backup plan when all plans have failed. It is a strong tool and we hope we never use it. Once new partners are primary, we can't use it.
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  #15  
Old 01-04-2015, 07:40 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
1,2 And 5 would be deal breakers for me too, I can see why people would be outraged to hear them
The onely ones the rules concern and can be deal breakers for is me, my husband and the people we consider to sleep with or date or form relationship with. Mostly, people have issues with the concept of poly alltogether, not our rules themselves (they basically rather want to cheat or break up our marriage). My mono boyfriend loves our rules with their stress on direct communication and thinks "people in normal relationshis should learn from us".
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  #16  
Old 01-04-2015, 07:47 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
I know of the FB group of which you speak...and yes, it's hard to explain, but unless you're of a very specific political and geographic/cultural bent, it won't be a good fit. There is another with the same name where conversations are far more reasonable and poly oriented.

There are going to be people looking for partners in any of the groups, or even here. In fact, that would be what happened with your first posts as it was posted to an area of these forums specifically geared for people who wish to put up classified type ads for partners. If you're interested in only discussion, then I'd recommend you avoid posting to the bottom parts of the forum. And in the event that you have any other issues with unwelcome advances here, (and similar policies will exist on any reasonably run group) then please notify a mod.

With regards to your rules...different people have different ways of running their poly...none are necessarily right or wrong...there's just what works for you....and what works for them. If you get a negative reaction to your rules...then it only means that you've quickly determined that your poly and theirs are not compatible, and thus saved yourself a lot of time, tears, and possibly heartache finding out through a dating trial. Better for it to be upfront and out in the open from the beginning, so prospective partners can make an informed decision about whether such an arrangement is acceptable for them.

Otherwise, yes, there's far more poly's out there and groups, than just the two you've inquired about. It's just a matter of finding your people.

Welcome to the Forum.
It is good it is not just me that run into strange people on FB. It is confusing that many groups are simply called Polyamory so it is sometimes hard to keep them apart.

It never occured to me that people would interprete my posts as looking for love... In the Norwegian poly forum we have discussions, not relationship ads. I am not looking for relationships or hookups but I guess others are and see me in that light. I will be watchful of it for other times, thank you for the tip.
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  #17  
Old 01-04-2015, 10:31 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Becca View Post
This site actually has the best (as far as I've found) group of folks who are interested in thoughtful discussions about poly.

Those were some weird responses you got to that other post-- not sure where that came from.
This is the best site for relationship advice, even for monos !
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  #18  
Old 01-13-2015, 01:41 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Norwegianpoly,

Sorry you have had a bad experience on several poly sites, especially on this one. I think if you avoid the Dating & Friendships boards (There's one for each continent), you should be able to avoid unwelcome advances (or people thinking you're propositioning them).

I think I'd recommend you generally stick to the following boards:
The General Poly Discussions board might be a particularly good fit.

Given my experience of Polyamory.com appearing very high on the list of google results for "polyamory" and "polyamory forum," I feel like if there is or were such a thing as an international poly community, Polyamory.com would be it. I know of no other poly site or organization that has so many members, especially active members, with a wide range of viewpoints but a tendency toward the popular common-sense poly views.

That may come to you as bad news since your experience here so far hasn't been great. But I think that if you hang in there, try to take the occasional disagreeable stuff in stride, and notify the mods when someone harasses you, you will soon find that there are many good, kind, sensible members here and that they'll be happy to converse with you on various poly subjects. (As well as non-poly subjects if you visit the Fireplace!)

Consider that the bigger and busier a site (or community) is, the more likely it is to have some riffraff, nut jobs, and troll types. If you want to be a part of a big international community, you have to expect a certain amount of weirdness and aggravation. It's worth it if you can get to the good stuff.

If all else fails, message me personally and I'll try to help. I hope you'll stay on as an active member, as I value your input.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #19  
Old 01-14-2015, 08:29 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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I certainly understand searching for a community where you'll fit in. It's harder than it sounds! I just left a FB group in a huff. It was a group for bisexual femme women in my geographical area. I hoped I'd find a bunch of out and proud bi women, maybe some poly and swinger types, but women who embraced their bisexuality and perhaps had found some balance between their relationships with men and women. Instead, they were mostly women sneaking around behind their husbands' backs, having casual sex, or FWB arrangements that dissolved if their husbands were displeased. Basically, the women treat each other like bits on the side while tending to their "real" relationships with men.

Ugh. It was depressing as fuck, so I told 'em off and left
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