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Old 01-03-2014, 07:14 PM
TakenGirl TakenGirl is offline
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Default mixed messages and emotions

I am in a V- poly family. We're also D/s... Both are new experiences for me, and the past year or so have been interesting.

Initially, when I joined this poly family, there was my D and at that point, he had 2 other loves/subs. With the way he explained D/s to me, part of the relationship is giving him my cares to handle. He will take care of me, and i will be his, and only his, and do what he wants/needs. In regards to the /s side of things, I am naturally submissive, and there have been very few times that he's asked me to do something that I wouldn't ordinarily do.

One of his other loves ended up not happy anymore, and ended their relationship... but up until that point, and around when they split up, she would basically require him to drop whatever he was doing and attend to her (very un-D/s, but he loves her). The other is wholly dependent on him, to the point where she has her kids, and his & my kids, and him & i, but that's it. No outside family and friends. Plus she has some mental health issues, so when you put all of that together, it's a lot of stress and pressure on him to take care of her. she is not at all comfortable with the poly side of things, and it's one of many things she struggles with. if he could be mono, she would be delighted and it'd just be the two of them.

With me, I have always been dependent on me. i've never been in a relationship with a person who was willing or able to handle any emotional mess i may have going on.

So where that leaves me is
A) having a hard time opening up, because i've not really done it before (with success)
B) having a hard time opening up because i know he has to deal with his other love, and she's a lot of work. And not only her, but his kids, the other people he has in his life, work, blah blah blah.

I love him, a lot. And i love her. I'm totally cool with the poly thing, and at some point, i think i would really benefit from having a secondary, if it were in fact allowed as a part of our dynamic.

The place where I'm at right now, though, a place that I visit from time to time, is
A) anger that he hasn't helped me navigate going into a poly relationship. Issues have popped up with my family (my family has met both, and most of my family have some idea or are fully aware of the poly aspect) - and his expectations are just not the same as reality so that caused problems.
B) a little fuck you at him because there is no good balance because I can take care of myself. Sometimes i don't want to. Sometimes I want what he said Doms do - deal with the stress that comes up - decisions that come up.
C) I feel that because of the time and drama involved with the other two over the past year, I've kind of just had to roll with things. Which is generally good, just not always easy, and now always expected.
D) I feel like I need to take a step back from us, re-evaluate, and then be okay again with me not having any sort of dependence on him. Not that I want to be fully dependent... that's not something I would ever be okay with (pride, i know).
E) I'm pretty sure a part of why I work for him so well is because I am my own person, and am not dependent on him for everything. Which makes it hard for me to express when I'm feeling out about us when I want him to be all Dom-ly for me.

When I first joined his family, his current other love and i became very close friends, but then things changed (she had an emotional breakdown, quit her job) and I found that I couldn't talk to her as a friend about what's going on with me because A) she would tell him and B) her ability to handle those conversations declined greatly after a few months.

Anyone else I know who is poly is in some way attached to my Dom, and i wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them. No one in my family really understands the poly thing, and talking to them about issues is like giving a cat a dictionary.

Really I just need to be able to say this stuff sometimes. I know this is very jumbled, but I don't really have anyone to talk to.

I know these probably aren't all fair statements... this is a very small part of the pie that is our relationship. The vast majority is good, and we have been very good for each other. But every now and then, something happens, and I'm a little like fuck this shit... - not to the point of ending things, just more in like having a hissy fit as a teenage girl would.

thanks for listening. xoxo
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Old 01-03-2014, 07:20 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519

Having a difficult time navigating exactly what your issues are with him...her? poly? But I will say this...having experienced some of the D/s lifestyle....really, it's all in fun, at heart. No laws requiring you or binding you to whatever rules you've set up. So, if you believe you would like to have another relationship, well, nothing to stop you and him talking it through so it's part of the game (I also know how serious those relationships are and would not ask you to break that)
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Old 01-03-2014, 08:04 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122

You should talk with him about how you feel. All of the stuff, including how you dont want to burden him, even though he has said that is part of the dynamic he has arranged with you. He needs to understand that when he makes that kind of commitment to you, that you will come to him with it. He may be able to handle it very well with you, and put you at ease. Or, he and you may realize that you do need that bit of independence in order to be comfortable being sub about all the rest. There is no One Way to do D/s. This is how HE chooses to do it, but it may not be a 100% fit for you.

I say this because my BF and I just had a HUGE argument about this very topic. He has always asked me to be up front and honest with him about things that were going on with me. I have a tendency to hold back things that I know are challenging topics, or things where I dont want to burden him. Especially with things he cant do anything about. Well, he found out I was holding back on information that he felt was directly affecting him, and our relationship, and his relationship with my husband (his metamour) because I was really micromanaging everyones emotional state. Which is NOT MY JOB! It is my job, as the hinge of this V, to be open about things that affect both of them. We finally got to a place where I was able to agree to be more open with things that were going on and he agreed that he will temper his need to know "everything"...

Are you on the fetlife.com site? There are message boards there as well where you can get more input on how to navigate a D/s dynamic, especially if it is new for you. How new is this for him?

And why does he have multiple women with mental disorders? Sorry, just an aside observation. You dont really need to answer that one...

Hope some of that is helpful.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
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Old 01-03-2014, 08:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,261

I hope you feel better. I am guessing you just wanted to vent?

That read like you doing a thinking / processing thing. Let me sum up what I get from it, ok? I am going to guess. Some of what you write was not super clear to me. I could be wrong ok? So please correct whatever needs clarification. I'm just offering this in case it helps you out to see your words arranged differently.

I am in a polyship that has D/s arrangements also.
  • This is not a 24 hour D/s dynamic. (is it?)
  • I do not want to be fully dependent. (So don't be? Enjoy your scenes but leave it for scene times?)
  • At some point I would like to renegotiate so that I can date another person.

At THIS time?

It is hard for me to express when I'm feeling some kind of upset. Ranging from anger, resentment, being taken for granted, etc.
  • I want him to be all Dom-ly for me (and make it so I do not have to feel upset?)
  • I want me to do ____? (Learn to express better so it stops being hard when I need to express myself?)

In our relationship, He is willing to solve all my things for me. I am willing to let him.

For how we expect to communicate in this relationship:
  • He expects me to communicate my needs to him so he can know by ______? (Never laid out this expectation?)
  • I do not expect me to communicate. I expect him to know my needs by (him mindreadering me? )

For the needs he is aware of at this time...
  • he expects himself to handle all my needs (24/7 or just during a scene?)
  • I expect he will take care of me and all my needs (24/7 or just during a scene?)

For the new needs that he is not aware of at this time...
  • he expects me to tell him what the new needs are as they arise.
  • He expects me to not have new needs.
  • He expects me to have new needs but not tell him.
  • I expect to tell him what the new needs are as they arise.
  • I expect me to not have new needs.
  • I expect me to have new needs but not tell him.
  • Our expectations of ourselves and each other are articulated, understood, and in agreement at this time. (yes/no?)
  • Our expectations of ourselves and each other are being kept up by each of us at this time. Each person is holding up their end. (yes/no?)

To move this forward...
  • I am willing and expect to talk periodically to my D about how our current agreements and communication habits serves me well/do not serve me well so as my D he can know what is going on and serve me well as my D. (yes /no?)
  • I have decided that I need to take a step back from us, re-evaluate, and then be okay again with me not having any sort of dependence on him (and end the D/s side of things with him only? End D/s AND polyshipping with him )
  • Both the above? Neither? Something else?
You decide what you want to participate in -- poly? D/s? Both? Neither? That's all up to you because YOU determine your willingness to participate. You can withdraw your willingness to participate any time you want to.

But as far as you feeling something and not appropriately expressing it? You suppress it and wind up feeling clogged up as a result? Yes. I agree. You say it yourself.

Really I just need to be able to say this stuff sometimes.
You could expect yourself to express your feelings appropriately rather than suppress them.

If you have things in your relationship you want to change or alleviate -- expressing them is the first step to doing good conflict resolution.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-03-2014 at 09:38 PM.
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Old 01-03-2014, 11:28 PM
TakenGirl TakenGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3

Gala - yes, it was mostly to vent, but also because I lack polyminded (and D/s) people to talk to... my mono-friends and family I talk to generally just don't get it (although they try), and sometimes it's just good to get an objective outside observers thoughts. Both you & willow have made some good points, which have been helpful in me trying to organize my thoughts.

To clarify a little bit...

This is a 24/7 D/s dynamic. He lives with his other, but I see him almost daily.

I do not want to be fully dependent, and am not fully dependent. Actually the only 'dependence' i have is with my sex life, as he's the only person I'm sexually active with.

I don't expect him to mind-read, and if I'm not being open, he's basically already told me that (unless I'm crying) he's not going to push me. So that's on me.

So with those thoughts, and a lot of the rest of your reply, does make me think about what I want, what I need, what I can accept, and how to go about connecting those dots with him, rather than just internalizing it, and taking it out on you all. So... I'm going to mull this over a bit more, using y'alls notes as a reference.

Thank you, very much.
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Old 01-04-2014, 07:29 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Yeah, your partner explained how he wants his D/s relationships to be because he certainly isn't describing mine. I have free choice over who I sleep with, for one. My Daddy person does cater for most of my whims yet he is still my Dominant. We have a Daddy/babygirl dynamic which means I get to be a spoiled princess when I don't have to be a filthy slut.

I'm telling you this so you're aware that not all kink based poly relationships follow the harem pattern yours is and as you've seen, many people who get into harems do so from a place of weakness rather than strength.
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d/s, emotional support, vee

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