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  #1  
Old 07-16-2018, 11:34 PM
ninjagirl ninjagirl is offline
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Default Opening up marriage

I was curious as to how many people on here might have opened up a monogamous marriage or if the relationships just started out as poly. If you did open up a marriage, did you go through a stage of "let's do a 3-some together"? Mess it up (since, let's face it, starting with a triad is super hard) and then did better the 2nd time around with each of you dating different people?

I wonder how often opening up a marriage is successful vs it becoming closed again due to issues...
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  #2  
Old 07-16-2018, 11:57 PM
JasonJones JasonJones is offline
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Wife and I opened a previous monogamous marriage. We did not go the letís have a threesome or look for a unicorn stage. Wife and I have always preferred our relationships separate. I think how we got into it was better for us than a triad. It was a better adjustment for me who was very mono. Itís built into my wifeís DNA, but I had a learning curve. I donít think I would go back to being mono now, but at the start it was a totally new concept for me. Being separate and not pushing into something like a triad was best for our situation.

-j
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Old 07-17-2018, 12:11 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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My husband and I tried polyamory in 1999-2000. He finally acknowledged my poly nature and my bisexuality, after 20+ years of marriage. Unfortunately we did go the unicorn route but it was a disaster from the start. Turned out the woman we found (who was already an acquaintance of a few years) wasn't really into women at all. She only paid it lip service long enough to hook my man. We never got to the threesome stage.

And my husband isn't poly, turns out. When he fell for her, he fell out of love with me.

So we limped along for another 8 years, and then split up. (We had some other issues as well, but I partly stayed with him "for the children.")

So, he hooked up with the same woman after our split. They are still a couple. I met a poly woman on OK Cupid almost right away, early 2009, and we are still together (I got really lucky finding her so soon!), and I also have had relationships with several men. I am living my authentic life.

Other people do succeed at opening up a formerly mono relationship. There are quite a few of them on here.
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Old 07-17-2018, 12:12 AM
ninjagirl ninjagirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JasonJones View Post
Wife and I opened a previous monogamous marriage. We did not go the letís have a threesome or look for a unicorn stage. Wife and I have always preferred our relationships separate. I think how we got into it was better for us than a triad. It was a better adjustment for me who was very mono. Itís built into my wifeís DNA, but I had a learning curve. I donít think I would go back to being mono now, but at the start it was a totally new concept for me. Being separate and not pushing into something like a triad was best for our situation.

-j
Did you guys both started dating people at the same time? Sometimes when one person gets dates and the other doesn't as fast, there are issues. You mentioned that you had a learning curve. How long did it take for you to adjust?
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Old 07-17-2018, 12:19 AM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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We opened up a monogamous marriage. We didnít start with the idea of a 3-some. To be honest, threesomes never even occurred to me until my partners both showed an interest.

We have only been poly for a year, so itís still possible that we could mess it all up. But thus far, weíve weathered quite a few storms with each other and our other partners in the last year and come through to the other side fairly well.
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Old 07-17-2018, 12:46 AM
JasonJones JasonJones is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ninjagirl View Post
Did you guys both started dating people at the same time? Sometimes when one person gets dates and the other doesn't as fast, there are issues. You mentioned that you had a learning curve. How long did it take for you to adjust?
She already had an interest. The interest at the time didn't work out but did end up working out for her a little later down the road. It's kind of what the catalyst to opening our marriage up after her repressing her feelings for so long.

I had a pretty big learning curve. I was a serial monogamous so the concept of poly was the furthest out of my head. I made it a point to immerse myself with as much good information that I could. I dealt with jealousy, especially since it was easier for her to meet men, than it was for me to meet women. Hindsight, it is what it is and you learn to live with that aspect. I dealt with a whole gamut of feelings. I stuck with it, read and learned as much as possible. I am still learning. It's been about 3 or so years now. All is well and I very much enjoy being in the lifestyle.

If you have any specifics, ask away...

-J
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  #7  
Old 07-17-2018, 01:06 AM
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Al99 Al99 is online now
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My wife and I opened up a previously monogamous marriage so that she could ethically explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. (Full story in link below). The idea of a triad was never in play, other than as casual speculation about an MFM (sexual) threesome - as it's her favorite fantasy. We may give that a shot one day - but it would most likely be someone from the swinger scene, maybe as a milestone birthday thing. But it really has nothing to do with our poly situation, other than both being consensually non-monogamous.

For the first several months, I did not have a partner. I was not opposed to the idea but it was not of pressing importance and I did not actively pursue the idea. Additionally, there were logistical issues that would have made it difficult (same friend set, same organizations, she had a ldr, so I would have to limit any relationship accordingly, etc). Eventually, an extended back channel communication with Bouncing Betty (also on the Forum, but not very active) led to us into a ldr. Although I was ok with my wife having a partner when I did not (after a great deal of processing early on), it has been much easier for me with a partner (even if we can only spend a couple of weekends a year together). Al

Edit: In regard to the "3-some stage" reference in the original post - while the public perception of poly seems to be the FMF Triad or V, and many couples open up with the expectation of finding their unicorn (because it seems so logical, until you stop and think it through as to what it means to the unicorn) - from what I have read, that doesn't actually happen very often (other than perhaps as an occasional sexual event). And ongoing V's seem to more often be MFM (at least based on the discussions on this forum). Al
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My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.

Last edited by Al99; 07-17-2018 at 01:27 AM.
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  #8  
Old 07-17-2018, 01:15 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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We opened up a monogamous marriage. It was my husband's idea, but for my benefit; we had some incompatibilities that we couldn't find a compromise on, so he suggested I see other guys to get what I needed/wanted.

We never dated the same person; since we're both straight, that would have been kind of impossible. We did have one sexual MFM threesome with a guy I was dating. That... was not Hubby's preference, so it hasn't been repeated with him.

He never actually dated anyone; he had sex with one woman a couple of times, decided she, and dating in general, was too much trouble, and went back to being monogamous. That was over five years ago.

Meanwhile, I've been dating steadily since we opened up, including four longish-term relationships (ranging from 9 months to currently almost three years and counting). Hubby has no issues at all with me being poly, and is completely content being monogamous.
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Old 07-17-2018, 01:57 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I opened a monogamous marriage.

No we never did a threesome.

I have been in my current configuration for 6 years.
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  #10  
Old 07-17-2018, 03:36 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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My former husband and I didn't open up our marriage; we grew apart, and ended the relationship amicably after I fell in love with another man online, and he with a woman at work.

I pursued a mono LDR with my new partner, Jester, after this. We were together for a year before issues between myself and Jester caused us to "open" the relationship to me dating a female friend of his, Boho. (Jester and Boho had been FWB in the past, but were no longer together when I started dating her.)

I/we were NOT looking for a "unicorn" or to have a threesome, at all. In fact, this was the fartherest thing from MY mind.

However, Boho soon expressed interest in forming more of a triad-like relationship... and we DID engage in a threesome of sorts, one time, which didn't go well (for me).

After this, we all agreed to keep the relationships more or less separate, with me as the hinge. Neither of my partners are interested in dating or sleeping with anybody else, however we DO plan to move in together at some stage.
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