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Old 07-12-2018, 04:52 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 727

I've never been involved in swinging or the like, but this all sounds very odd to me; this access to each other's personal phones, conversations, even houses a partner shares with another (that you're not involved with romantically).

There are lots of areas here that I would personally consider hard limits/deal-breakers, should a line be crossed. It's no wonder there is upset and confusion over who potentially has access to highly personal correspondence and whatnot, and under what circumstances it's "acceptable" to access those things.

You three EACH need to decide what you find an acceptable level of sharing and/or a breach of privacy, draw some boundaries and enforce these before this all blows up in your faces.

Personally, I've never picked up ANY of my partners' phones - past or present - and read their private messages, even when/if I suspected they were cheating. I've never read my children's private messages, even when they were underage and I demanded their facebook passwords and the like (for safety reasons). When I stayed with Jester last year, he would leave his computer screen and social media sites open, and I didn't feel the need to snoop, though of course I felt a certain degree of curiosity.

Yes, I realise different people have differing requirements for privacy... and although I don't understand it, I can imagine that there could be SOME situations in which sharing raunchy sexts and the like could be part of the relationship - but ONLY with the third (or fourth) party's full knowledge and agreement! If this were me, I'd be changing my passwords and revoking access to anything private, if I could not be sure that my messages, texts and other personal correspondence would not be shared without my permission.
Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
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Old 07-12-2018, 08:22 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,504

Having spare keys to each others houses to feed the cats... sounds like good friends to me. Well actually I don't really trust people that way but it was normal in my mother's generation. (The phone is a different issue of course.)
The US has high standards of privacy and personal space compared to most of the world. Just saying.
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44

Last edited by Tinwen; 07-12-2018 at 09:46 AM.
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Old 07-16-2018, 02:20 PM
Lonlygirl64 Lonlygirl64 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 19

Lunabunny-- I never read my kids texts of emails either. I didn't even have their log in's to social media sites but my kids are mid-20's/30's and things were a bit different 20 years ago so I didn't feel the need.

I know the amount of access to each others live seems weird and my request for private conversation seems odd given the amount of access we all have. As Tinwen said, we are all first and foremost friends and even consider each other "family".

Slowpoly, you are right. I am moving past my resentment. I have set up a Dropbox folder that I shared with T to add photos to, just for him. And if there is something I want to say, I email him or ask him to call. (Phone calling is also usually a NO in swingers world, btw) He does the same.
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