Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-08-2018, 07:54 PM
ref2018 ref2018 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Butt Hurt, OW
Posts: 130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsEmotional View Post
I am confused. My understanding is that we’re talking about a relationship that is 2 1/2 months old, not two years.
Me too. However,

Quote:




I've been with my bf, George, for 2 1/2 months now, officially, though we dated on and off for a year or so before making it a "thing". George has several other partners where the relationships take on more of a friends-with-benefits nature, and one other girlfriend, Gina, with whom he has been with for a year and a half.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-08-2018, 08:03 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 487
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ref2018 View Post
Me too. However,
Right, BelleRose said that this relationship has been building for about a year, but Ravenscroft quoted a comment that he had made to BelleRose 22 months ago, which I can only assume must have been about a different relationship?
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) —> 42, M, Queer

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-08-2018, 08:25 PM
ref2018 ref2018 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Butt Hurt, OW
Posts: 130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsEmotional View Post
Right, BelleRose said that this relationship has been building for about a year, but Ravenscroft quoted a comment that he had made to BelleRose 22 months ago, which I can only assume must have been about a different relationship?

Yeah i saw that too. Who the fuck knows.... people are always saying one thing one minute and another the next around here, it seems like.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-09-2018, 04:04 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724
Default



07 Aug 2016 --
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=79270
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-09-2018, 06:11 AM
BelleRose's Avatar
BelleRose BelleRose is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 63
Default

That isn't the same person or situation.

The timeline I provided in this threat is accurate. This thread is being conflated with an old one from an unrelated relationship with different people.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-09-2018, 08:42 AM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 487
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BelleRose View Post
That isn't the same person or situation.

The timeline I provided in this threat is accurate. This thread is being conflated with an old one from an unrelated relationship with different people.
Thank you for clarifying. That’s what I figured.

You do seem to have some common themes going on in these relationships. Did you have any relationships in-between that you can draw from to avoid this in the future? Some folks have rules for themselves (such as not dating anyone without a certain level of poly experience) to avoid finding themselves in the same situation.

Frankly, I would start fresh. You have been clear with your boundaries and they are still being stepped on. I would recommend that you be vigilant about examining a person’s entire situation before becoming involved with them, and be more careful about guys who have needy girlfriends/wives. It is interesting that you avoided meeting your metamour “too soon” — in your shoes I would actually want to meet any primary-type partners early on so that (if they exist) these boundary-pushing issues get out on the table before I am too attached.

(Sorry for the double-post — I tried to edit my previous message and somehow a new reply was generated instead.)
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) —> 42, M, Queer

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-09-2018, 03:23 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,356
Default

My partner and I have been together for almost 8 years (hm... guess it's time to update the .sig), and his other nesting relationship started around the same time. I had similar issues with this meta (Xena in my blog, if you want to go back that far).

Things that I took away from that experience:

Bending over backwards to try to be friends / close with her in the beginning just made things worse when I asserted my need for space later on. Her expectations (and there has been a pattern of this with later metas as well) were for very close "kitchen table" poly at the LEAST, and for maybe a BFF/sister/romantic relationship to bloom as well.

I had to be EXTREMELY blunt with her after a while. She got her feelings hurt. Our mutual partner was in the middle for a while. BUT after this happened to her a couple times (not just with me), she's now dealing with this with a therapist as well, which has been helping. Now, we're at the point where it's nice to see each other at family get-togethers, but that's pretty much all the interaction we have, other than sporadic social media stuff. I'm good with that, and really don't want more after having dealt with all the ups and downs with this a few years ago. I've heard that she's grown to accept that as well, although that's not my primary concern.

Sucks to have to be cold about it, but that's where I'm at. I don't owe her a relationship.

And neither do you.

It'll probably realistically take multiple conversations with your partner to convey that "together time" is intrusive on your time with him. There'll probably be a need to clarify what circumstances are ok and which aren't (if there are any "ok" circumstances at all). It's all part of the communication process, so it most likely won't be "one and done."

If she talks with you directly, then you'll probably need to be frank with her. Every. Single. Time. When I gave an inch, my meta gradually went for that mile, so I had to shut her down completely. Again, it sucks feeling like you're being an ass, but I eventually HAD to, because the message wasn't getting through.

Time for your meta to learn to manage her expectations. It won't be easy. Vent if you need to. Blog threads are great for that.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: 47/F, Monogamish? Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 48/M, Partner of 7 years.
Spinner: 53/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 48/F, Chops' partner of 7 years
Curls: 51/F, Chops' partner of 2 years


Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-09-2018, 04:06 PM
breathemusic breathemusic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 581
Default

It doesn't sound to me like this has reached the point where this relationship is doomed and you should give up, but it definitely sounds like more boundary conversations are needed. Especially since he is a new hinge and is probably figuring things out (this is assuming that you're willing to be patient while he learns, which you certainly don't have to be).

One thing that might be helpful when discussing things is to frame it so that things are less about boundaries with GINA specifically, and more like boundaries with ANY meta that you would have.

i.e. can we please agree that neither of us will ever have other partners come to the bar while we're BOTH working, as that is too much overlap between the relationships and also too much overlap between work and personal life.

i.e. If any partner of yours expresses an interest in forming some sort of triad relationship with me involved, I'm letting you know now that I'm not at all interested in that, so unless I bring it up myself, I would prefer that you explicitly conveyed to them that a triad isn't an option rather than you being ambiguous and leaving that possibility open to them thinking that it might happen.

and if you need to express any boundaries directly to a meta (if you have any sort of dynamic with them) then you can do that too.

but basically, I think framing things in a way that shows "this is how I would conduct any poly relationship" makes it feel less like a personal attack. Of course, if any of those boundaries are specifically because of that meta, then that's fine too. Sometimes you like someone as a person and sometimes you don't. Boundaries ARE allowed to vary from person to person. But it can be important to understand which ones are person specific and which ones aren't when discussing your boundaries with a partner.
__________________
Me: 32, female, nesting partner and Domme of Sudo, dating Echo
Sudo: 36, male, lives w/ me, no other current partners
Echo: 34, male, dating me, married w/ 2 kids

RCT (or Ty): 32, male, mono, current roommate/friend, dad to Lizzy
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-17-2018, 09:27 AM
BelleRose's Avatar
BelleRose BelleRose is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 63
Default

Thanks, everyone. This has been really helpful for me.

I spoke to George and we're on the same page now.

First - I clarified a lot of confusion. Because I initiated both a group interaction and a one-on-one interaction with Gina, it wasn't clear to him that I wasn't interested in kitchen-table-poly, let alone opposed. To be fair, I didn't know that I was opposed either until the experience taught me. And even now I'm feeling a little shaky about it because in a different situation I could see myself being more open to interacting with a metamour. This situation, I'm afraid, did become personal, especially once the word unicorn was dropped and I felt that the significance of my relationship with George was being undermined by a would-be Queen Bee, and while my reaction was a bit severe my feelings on that matter haven't changed. George is now aware that I do not want more interaction with Gina than necessary and has respected it since we talked. I also asked him what level of involvement he prefers to have with metamours (as I'm seeing other people, just no one I consider serious just yet) and he actually doesn't need any interaction if it isn't necessary, he just wants to know about them. That works PERFECTLY for me. Parallel poly it is, at least for the two of us.

Second - We have started to make agreements that are a little more formal. In the beginning he was my only partner, and we planned very casually. Nothing more than a week out, often the day before getting together. Sometimes even the day of (with the exception of Friday nights, but even then that was just always assumed, never explicitly talked about). At this point, now that I'm dating other people he can no longer assume my availability if he doesn't have another date, and last week, between other people, my work (not bartending, that's a moonlight thing, I'm an artist) and friends, we only saw each other once. We've discussed figuring out a way to have protected time.

I've thought of designated days, but that feels a bit rigid to me. We usually spend Friday night into Sat together, and that's fine. Sat night he works and I don't so it's not like I can never have a Sat date with someone else, and Fri he starts work pretty late so it's not like he can never have a Fri date if it's early. I think that's fair. So I'm thinking maybe we can just agree to plan our weeks in advance going forward. Maybe even on Sunday since we both sort of use that day to detox, yoga, meditate, and relax separately, usually touching base later in the evening. That's what we did this week and so far so good. We know we have our quality time coming up and no one feels shut down by trying to make a last minute plan only to discover there's another lover in that time slot already. Also, (and this is just me turning over ideas at this point), I think if we were to designate a day or two to ensure quality time, it would eventually need to be broken. Exceptions would require it. Birthdays, events, vacations, etc. Those exceptions would ultimately feel like a broken date, because one of us would be literally choosing to do something with another partner instead. Planning a bit more in advance is probably better than locking in specific days of the week on an ongoing basis.

Third - As for Gina, we haven't had contact since the back to back Friday incidents. I do feel a little bit bad about that, and a little bit guilty, but after reading what so many of you have said I'm convinced this is just the people pleaser in me not feeling entirely comfortable with having asserted a boundary. I feel almost like that pushover sort of parent that punishes a child rightfully, let's say by saying no video games for a week, but then returns video game privileges after a day or two because they can't stand the idea of the child being upset. I also feel badly because when George and I discussed my assertion of boundaries being confusing after I appeared to have wanted interaction, I got the feeling that he didn't just mean it was confusing for him, and I know that Gina was pretty upset when I reacted unfavorably to her coming to the bar on a night we were both on. Truth be told I still think the behavior was territorial and sort of power-play like, and that the negative emotions surrounding my reaction have less to do with feeling personally rejected by me, and more to do with George supporting my boundaries as opposed to making some kind of choice that would have prioritized her over me. I've wanted to reach out to her a couple of times to clear the air, but the truth is that I'm very happy with the parallel poly that's been established by my boundaries, and while I don't have a negative opinion about her as a person (I don't know her that well, after all), I do feel - as the millennials say - a "certain type of way" about how things played out and what that says about her respect for me and my relationship with George. The only thing really bothering me is that idea of someone being upset with me, and I think I may just need to get over that.

Last edited by BelleRose; 07-17-2018 at 09:35 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-17-2018, 11:54 AM
powerpuffgrl1969 powerpuffgrl1969 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 453
Default

Well done! Sounds like everything went as you had hoped!

You are right; you are feeling "guilty" about Gina for no reason. You have done nothing wrong. Just continue being respectful to their relationship, but firm with your boundaries.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:33 AM.