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  #51  
Old 07-11-2018, 10:52 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
My issue with the idea of replacement is that to me, replacing something implies it is faulty, flawed, or broken, and therefore isn't worth keeping. For example, I'm replacing my stove because the oven doesn't work. If my boyfriend were replacing me, it would say to me that in his opinion, there's something too wrong with me to bother continuing with me, because I'm not worth it.

Looking at the situation as him taking the second option, or even him preferring that option to time with me, is still not a pleasant thought, but not as bad as the idea of being "replaced."

Quote:
Thing is, we all have both sides to us, in different degrees. The one that compares, and the one that doesn't need to. The one that's selfish and the one that's selfless. The one that's capable of viewing people as tools to make us feel good and the one that appreciates them for who they are disregarding personal gains.

I'm sure your bf is a very mature, appreciative, selfless person KC, but to dismiss that side of human interaction that you're afraid off feels like denial to me.
I'm not quite understanding what you mean here. Could you clarify, please?
I'll try.

I feel slightly triggered by the whole man gaze objectification thing. I remember how a few years ago, a dude flat out told me in an online debate "Man view women as objects. Get over it." Of course, I thought he's a heartless pig (or something like that).

But then I went on to observe how I sometimes, in my less happy moments, treat people as a means to an end, as a tool to accomplish a goal, as something to bring me gratification. (Eg. I clearly remember situations where I made demands to be pleased in bed on my terms with an absolute disregard for the other person's actual wishes... strong emotions sometimes do that.)

So I understood how that triggery sentence is both true and untrue. It's not only that [some] men [sometimes] treat women as objects. It's that we all, in subtle or gross ways, more or less often, sometimes get unconscious or blind sighted by emotion and use each other. It's a natural human tendency.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to be on the receiving end. It just means it takes a constant effort to avoid, and no one is immune to it, even the ones that clearly understand the 'wrongness'. Observing my failures at this effort led me to an increased understanding of the dynamics, and yes, being a little less triggered.

So, take your worst-case scenario. You are treated as a broken tool to be replaced. (I may not have this right, just think for yourself about what's most unacceptable.)
Your boyfriend could have a tiny little bit of his personality that, frankly, at times would prefer to just replace you. Or it's not there, but there could be a situation where it surfaces. It's nowhere close to what he really wants, but a thought like that could pop up.
Or, YOU could have a thought about replacing your boyfriend with someone better. Maybe you've replaced people in the past. Or maybe you demand propper 'functioning' in other areas of your life. These experience can help your understanding.

As with all evil, it grows in the dark. If prohibited, that one single thought can make you freak out and break the relationship unnecessarily. So it's much better to acknowledge that, this too, is a part of the human experience, and see how it plays out between people, in all it's forms. Because if observed with acceptance that one thought might do nothing more then remind you to be compassionate. But to arrive at that point, one has to accept what one deemed dangerous or evil as a natural part of the world, with compassion.
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Last edited by Tinwen; 07-11-2018 at 11:15 PM.
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  #52  
Old 07-11-2018, 11:17 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Thank you for explaining. I think I understand now. I need to think about what you've said before I respond, so I can answer clearly. I don't entirely agree with you, but I don't entirely disagree either, so like I said, I need to consider it for a while.
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  #53  
Old 07-11-2018, 11:27 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
Thank you for explaining. I think I understand now. I need to think about what you've said before I respond, so I can answer clearly. I don't entirely agree with you, but I don't entirely disagree either, so like I said, I need to consider it for a while.
Yes, take your time. It's just a perspective. It won't be always useful, I'm aware of some of the caveats.
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  #54  
Old 07-12-2018, 04:17 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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It occurs to me if you have ptsd, if your like me you need a control to cope.
Especially if you have abandonment issues.

I would suggest you do some individual therapy on your abandonment issues and self esteem. You seem like you have a great boyfriend. The request to ask him to text I need to call you back is good.

I am chronically ill. I am looking for a knitting group. My little service dog is 12. I am thinking of getting a new one that I self train. It helps me leave the house.
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