Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-13-2018, 02:04 PM
neopoly neopoly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Europe
Posts: 23
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
This is the way to go I think if you try to heat up a relationship and the other person resists, maybe that relationship isn't meant to be something more (at least right now), and should just be enjoyed for what it is.
Thanks! This makes sense, even if it hurts a bit. Maybe I try to hard. they aren't my ex. Mr. Flower is more like my boss. I sometimes write for "his" magazine. He interviewed me a year ago about polyamory. I thought he was flirting with me during this interview. I was a little bit upset, stress and finally just surrender to his charm. We have like one date and then he just vanishes. I blamed him for it like three months later. I am really crazy in this case. But he never refuses me directly and sometimes flirts with me, too. He is poly at least say that. Lately, we work together on an article and it was nice. So it made me feel like we could meet and maybe talk, but it clearly wasn't a good idea.

Blue is my friend and we work on projects together. Lately, he said he wants me to wait for him till he open to mine. I am waiting for three years. So I was a little bit angry when he stops seeing me and answering me. Maybe I am just trying to friendzone him. But I just kind of cant. He sends me one nice picture and has me back. Maybe I just have to learn how to being nice to him and maybe don't think anything about our relationship.

And yes I have another prospect! I just realize them after our message. I really like one couple...they were maybe more swingers but I just love the personality of both of them. They were more like close friends for our triad, but they express a desire for more. Maybe I will meet them soon. I have a stronger relationship with the woman, she is like the nicest person I ever met...But I know she has complicated work and many friends and even lovers, but I can just spend some time with her. She kind of like me too
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-13-2018, 08:40 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,478
Default

Sounds like a promising prospect ... continue to develop a relationship with her and see what happens. If she's kind of a swinger type, you may not get the emotional connection you are looking for. But that's not a certainty.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-16-2018, 10:23 PM
neopoly neopoly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Europe
Posts: 23
Default

Thanks for your advices...I just keep actualising, hope that it dont bother you.

So main thing is maybe I dont feel the crazy "in love feeling". I dont think there is too much relationships any more...kind of like I have some kind of control and also maybe ability to commit. Dont know exactly, but it is good feeling. But I also dont have officialy have any new lover, but maybe I am actually polysaturated. I have lot of relationship with people and quite many of them are quite open about their sexuality and I can experience same kind of body contact with them and be friends. Also my gret two boyfriends and two ldr lovers...It is nice.

Srill think about mr. Flower sometimes feel guilty because his wife, whitch I maybe samohow hurt even if I dont know her. Sametimes I just wish he would just say somethink, but I tried to make kontakt with him so many times, that I am just tired. We ocasionaly text about same work and intelectual staff, but I dont feed it lately.

...and there is also that new sameone Jacket. Good friend and sametimes we experiece lot of intimacy. He is single and enjoyes time with me. When we speak about sex he said that it will create in him too much desire. So maybe he isnt such polytip. Good think it that I found out that it is mostly fine for my to have relationship with him as a friend or as a lover and I dont really need sex in this case. Only sametimes I begin same body contact cuddle or this staff I know he like it, but it is for me kind of unclear if I can do it or not. Dont want to croos him boudaries or be that desperate girl, who tries to just get laid...I like him and he is romantic and brave, just is aame way,conservative...

So...it is how it is. Think this nre junkies tries to change a bit. Thanx for help.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-16-2018, 10:50 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,478
Default

Jacket sounds like a good friend. Like he is not ready for sex at this time, but he is up for cuddles. It kind of sounds like Mr. Flower is fading from the picture, other than the occasional business text. And you still have your two boyfriends (in your triad). It sounds like your relationships with them are going well.

I don't mind your continued posts, it is good to hear how things are going for you. I don't have any advice at this time, you seem to be doing things about right and so I just say carry on.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-29-2018, 10:36 PM
neopoly neopoly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Europe
Posts: 23
Smile Good time

Thanks.

It is now all so fascinating. I spend a mont without my triad in different city because of one project. Jacket comes to visit me, he also have some obligation in the se city. We spend like five days together, sleep belong each other and spent time together (whitch does no good to our jobs). He still doesnt want to have sex with me, but cuddling is fine and more intensiv, sometimes iniciated by him. He also buyes some kind of rings for us both. We also visited sexshop and bought present for each other and made promise to use it in the same time for the first time. I always tries to keep it real with him and stay on both legs but I am kind of falling for him. It is maybe not that kind of love like with Mr. Flower...it is beautiful, little bit chaotic for me...

Maybe I am just not sure how to speak with him about our relationship. All the time I tried not to scare him and maybe play it like "it is just about friedship and sex if tou want bro..." But now I just dont know if are we somehow togerher...He goes with my triad well, said we have beautiful relationship...I think he is absolutely rational and realistic. We also talk about ou "love" and say each other I love you...so maybe is it ok. Maybe I could try to use a little bit more specifistic language...he know about polyamory but we never said that we have kind of pplyamoric relationship together, just ised word frienship it make us both more save...
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-29-2018, 11:48 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,478
Default

It sounds like Jacket is a more interesting prospect, like he is more likely to turn out to be romantic but right now he just wants to keep it at friends. I would suggest limiting things at just cuddling, if at some point he wants more he can let you know.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-30-2018, 02:08 AM
Leetah Leetah is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 639
Default

I think you are right that you should be more specific with Jacket, and with other friends/maybe lovers. You spend a lot of energy and emotion trying to figure out what other people are thinking or feeling, that IS wearying. If you are specific in telling them how you see your relationship and asking them how they see it you could avoid the guessing on both sides.

To me it seems like Jacket is sending very mixed signals so you could tell him you are confused and would like more clarity.

Of course if you enjoy the flirting and uncertainty then just relax and go with it, try not to get too caught up in long term imaginings.

Leetah
__________________
" I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant"
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-30-2018, 03:14 AM
neopoly neopoly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Europe
Posts: 23
Default

Yes, but he is kind of extremly complicatesd person. Sometimes I think he is one of the bravest men I know, but he has medicamnet agains anxienty at the same time. We talk about his past partner experiences and he said that hw thinks that best relatioship he has with girl was platonic. He mentioned also being almost raped by one od hia friends....I hust know that our relationship si more romantic thansexuaul...maybe littlephysicalbut he defitely sont want to sleep with me now. Once he said his unconcisness wants it and conctiousness doesnt. When I repeat it to him he denies it. I am a little confused by his actions. I know I cant push him in any way...I just decided not to text him now for same time and stop being so caring. Maybe he just needs me like same guide in his depression, I was with him from the beginning, when he starts take the antidepresives. He just dont want to any complex and fulltime relationship now and he is also afraid of combination of good friend and lover and I am not quite his type. It is full of contras here...maybe I just want him to know I like him. This relationship does me any harm. Maybe I also need good friend.more than lover. I just have to find same borders, he somehow managed to break nearly all of them.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-30-2018, 01:15 PM
FallenAngelina's Avatar
FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 2,283
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leetah View Post
You spend a lot of energy and emotion trying to figure out what other people are thinking or feeling, that IS wearying.
Not only is this tiring, but it's garden variety co-dependent thinking. Contorting ourselves into a shape that fits what someone else wants, usually someone else who is pretty bad at telling us what he wants, is usually a pattern of thought that comes out of a lifetime of having been minimized, dismissed and even punished for attempting to be who we truly are. Sounds like you've learned along the way that it's unsafe to express your wants - to the point that you perhaps don't even know what your own wants are. You're hyper-focused on trying to figure out his wants and his problems, which is a great way to keep your own introspection tamped down.

Why do you think that you're so drawn to someone who is complicated, depressed, not sure you're his type, afraid of intimacy and able to push right through your boundaries? Why him?
__________________
~ Karen

Last edited by FallenAngelina; 07-30-2018 at 01:22 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-30-2018, 03:39 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 3,335
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Not only is this tiring, but it's garden variety co-dependent thinking. Contorting ourselves into a shape that fits what someone else wants, usually someone else who is pretty bad at telling us what he wants, is usually a pattern of thought that comes out of a lifetime of having been minimized, dismissed and even punished for attempting to be who we truly are. Sounds like you've learned along the way that it's unsafe to express your wants - to the point that you perhaps don't even know what your own wants are. You're hyper-focused on trying to figure out his wants and his problems, which is a great way to keep your own introspection tamped down.

Why do you think that you're so drawn to someone who is complicated, depressed, not sure you're his type, afraid of intimacy and able to push right through your boundaries? Why him?
As one who grew up in a family home in which my wants and needs were barely ever recognized or honored, I find this to be a very insightful collection of words! Thanks, F.A. Well said.

I'm now past the half century mark in age. It has taken a whole damn lifetime to see it all (mostly) through a rear view mirror. It? Well, I mean the patterns of thinking and feeling which one develops when growing up in a family in which one's needs, wants and feelings are not regarded as "as important" as those of the others in the family. If noticed at all.
__________________
male, bisexual & biamorous
1 long term male partner of many years.
1 male cuddly, lovey, kissy friend (very new).

Last edited by River; 07-30-2018 at 03:41 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:36 AM.