Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-18-2018, 11:23 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,467
Default

Re: G wanting to meet H's family ... what concerns me about this is that G is something of a "problem partner." Once the family meets her, she becomes a part of the family's perception of poly. Will they find out that you don't like her? How will that affect their perception? Will they come to see poly as unhealthy, and/or as something one partner pushes onto the other partner? How will you explain to them that this is not the case?

I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but these were some of the concerns I had.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-19-2018, 03:51 AM
tealheron11's Avatar
tealheron11 tealheron11 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 23
Default

Good insight. I hadn't thought of that myself. And, you aren't being a wet blanket at all!! I would hope that it wouldn't impact their perception of poly, but if it was awkward and tense, how could it not.

I feel very validated by all the support and feedback I've gotten here. I know there isn't a "right" answer or a "right" person, as things are not black or white. But it feels good to be able to talk about my concerns to an objective audience. Friends who are not poly tend to just take my side, which feels good, but might not always be the best for helping me see different perspectives.
__________________
“even if this is a mistake. it could only be right to be this wrong with you.” ― Rupi Kaur



Khal Drogo- my hubs
Rhaegar- my lover
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-19-2018, 06:18 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,467
Default

I'm glad we could help.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-19-2018, 09:17 PM
1234567 1234567 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 280
Default

The common thread that I hear dom both of you is “we want to be treated well”, and while H is investing in you both, he is also not doing that.

You said she feels like a secret- well, she is, or was, at some point. That can suck.

He’s not representing you well to her. That sucks for you— and has now sucked for her, because she doesn’t get why he’s investing to the point of moving.

You feel deprioritized. She feels deprioritized.

Deprioritization isn’t zero sum. It’s possible he sucks at properly prioritizing people.

Honestly, you seem to have done really well under the circumstances.

He probably has some wonderful things that are the flip side of being conflict avoidant— I’m willing to bet he works pretty hard for both of you to meeet needs (or maybe I’m projecting)— but he doesn’t do well at the small conflicts that keep us in check— showing the full picture to both of you so you have something to adjust to. And now she feels betrayed— despite herself— and you feel exasperated— and he feels torn.

If you move— he is going to be torn apart and mopey and sad and grieving. In a strange city. It’s going to be MUCH harder on him to uproot now than it was before. You, on the other hand, might feel relief- he’ll at least be around more. But also— gone more, emotionally and physically.

I was in a similar situation as a V. My meta did us the favor of recognizing it would be bad for partner in common to move away, and trying for closer jobs. which I am grateful for, even though for their sake, I also let them know if it was good for it, go for it. Part time would have been good for me, because longer visits might mean I got some more living with time as well. There was a dream job a couple hours from me, and meta applied, hoping partner would go with, Partner in common didn’t want to move in the end, and not really because of me, but their life (partly including me.). But— hard for partner to tell my meta — because of conflict avoidance.

Out of living a similar situation, but from your meta’s perspective, I would offer this:

I would suggest spend some time recognizing— things are different now. It’s not a bad decision to move— but it is a LOT less casual.

You seem really grounded- you know this is good for you, and are giving your partner freedom to do what he needs.

One more challenge— can you stay married and have him living part time each place? Marriage doesn’t always mean being in the same spot. If if it is good for him to be there a while longer— and visit you— can you still offer him marriage?

Don’t ignore that if you do move, you will be alone more and be spending more resources on trips back and forth than if you were in the same city. Not a bad thing, necessarily— it could give you space to develop a serious partner there. But just food for consideration— EVERYTHING has changed, and it won’t just go back if they or you live elsewhere.

You probably know that. But worth keeping strongly in mind.

Last edited by 1234567; 07-19-2018 at 09:23 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-19-2018, 09:37 PM
1234567 1234567 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 280
Default

Also, I rarely contradict Kevin, but I would offer- I don’r know she’s a problem partner. Hinge has been feeding a negative perspective— how can she grow to like someone she mainly knows through complaints? How can she be gracious and generous when she’s being set up to see their relationship as “better than” when it’s not- it’s newer and different. Counteracting that would take better hinging, or would take meta spending a lot of time with the OP— who I suspect is a very fine human being— but who has been getting bad press. Unless meta was especially gracious— and I suspect the fact that she reaponds to being scared of the changes coming up by maligning OP does not speak well of that.

I think hinge is a problem hinge. But also a beginning hinge— and we all have to be beginners and do things badly first to do them well.

I suspect that OP is the key to acceptance— if she can show graciousness (which she is, despite all odds), the parents will relax.

It will help when hinge makes and learns from enough mistakes to learn how to properly treat two people well— some of it, like letting the good out about the other person- is very counterintuitive.

OP, you have not talked about what you need in the light of her complaining letter. You have every right to be accurately represented. If you are not— it would be within reason to feel that as a betrayal.

Here is what I would suggest: take that like a criticism at work: is there any truth in it? What could you do better? And then see what is left as a blatant untruth.

I would say you have a right to ask how hinge is going to address any blatant untruths.

Also, just so you know— while she is probably scared, and there’s grace there— you have a legitimate right to not like someone badmouthing you to your partner, even a meta.

Last edited by 1234567; 07-19-2018 at 09:39 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-19-2018, 10:00 PM
tealheron11's Avatar
tealheron11 tealheron11 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 23
Default

Hi 1234567,
Your post was amazing.. thank you so much for saying all those things.

You are right to suppose H is a beginning hinge. This is his first serious relationship since us opening up (and I'm also in my first serious one with B). I think there is a lot of learning at play here. He had a talk with G yesterday, and he told her (and shared this with me) that he thinks he subconsciously does not tell her the good things about me, in order for her to feel more secure about their relationship. I am glad he came to recognize that and admitted it to her and the reason why. What's interesting is he never badmouths her to me, but I feel pretty secure with him, and I guess he doesn't need to validate me? I brought that up too.

As far as the criticisms/complaints, there is some truth to them, though I don't know how it was worded or interpreted. It is nothing I didn't already know, and he told me that. Mostly about my habits, my clutter, things like that. Also one big thing: that he felt that our relationship moved into new territory before he was ready (something he has told me before too). I think that "big thing" maybe made her think I was pushing the move because she believes I push the relationship and he doesn't stand up for himself. That comment has to do with things that happened years ago, and is not about poly. It was about me moving in too soon and us getting married and him not being sure he wanted that. We have talked about all these things before and they seem to be fine now, but I am not sure how he conveyed that to her. I have even told these things to my other partner, B, and admitted my role in them. I admit I can be messy, that I sometimes prioritize my running and exercise over chores, and that I am not the best with money decisions. But i am working on all these things and he knows that. I am still not perfect. I am sure she isn't either.

Thank you for validating my feelings in all this! Your last point about being betrayed....what's interesting to me is my reaction to the all thing. I didn't really care about being disliked or badmouthed for who I am (I am pretty secure about my bad habits, and could care less who judges me for running too much), but I think I was more hurt she took it to believe our relationship wasn't as legit or serious as it is. That being misrepresented hurt me more than myself being misrepresented, if it makes sense!

Things are slowly smoothing over and I feel better each day. I am sure more will come up, especially once I move. Re: the staying married thing, I think we are going to stay married for awhile apart, because he can't even follow me for a year because of his job. He is a teacher and already signed a contract. I want to stay married, unless he doesn't want to at some point. The plan is he will come move up next summer. We'll see what happens!
__________________
“even if this is a mistake. it could only be right to be this wrong with you.” ― Rupi Kaur



Khal Drogo- my hubs
Rhaegar- my lover

Last edited by tealheron11; 07-19-2018 at 10:02 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-23-2018, 11:23 AM
Taramafor Taramafor is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 29
Default

Hmm... I'll simply say this based on glancing some of the posts. It can be easy to see the worst of yourself when someone talks to others about you.

I DO say some bad things, sure. But it's not in the intent to "point and laugh". We ALL have bad things about us and it's foolish and naive to pretend otherwise. But I also point out the good things too. That's what I do when I care about someone. I go "This is what they're like" when I bring them up. "This is who they are." Doesn't mean I don't care when I mention a flaw. Of which you yourself might worry about more. At the end of the day though it's a case of "How they affect me". Do I care about you? Do you want to know how I'm affected? Why I might be happy or sad? Got to make that shit known. Sometimes it's easy with one and not so easy with another, for whatever number of reasons.

Now personally I've gotten good at blunt honesty and not sparing feelings. But I also consider it a mistake to act like most people can just magically do that and not say something that might hurt your feelings because being "nice" and afraid factors in. Can be easier said then done to go "This is what I think and how I feel" for some people. Can get someone to do it with me yet they might struggle with another. Doesn't mean they don't care.

The question then is have you established if your feelings are not to be spared in the interest of honesty? No, really, that's a good talk to have IMO. To be fair I actually detect when someone is doing it and go "There's your concerns and take off the happy mask" (or even angry mask). But I earned that talent. The hard way, unfortunately.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-24-2018, 12:57 PM
tealheron11's Avatar
tealheron11 tealheron11 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 23
Default

Taramafor,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Sorry it took me awhile to respond, had to figure out what to say.

H gets uncomfortable with saying things that are honest if they could be interpreted as criticisms or disappointments because he feels very uncomfortable with hurting people's feelings. He admits that and is trying really hard to work on this and find ways to share his honest thoughts in a kind way, without holding things back. I can appreciate where he is coming from, because I feel the same way - but I feel like I am more articulate in expressing myself and have found ways to be honest in gentle ways without feeling like I am trashing someone. Obviously, this is different depending on the recipient! The big key here is : "just because i am unhappy about x, y, and z, doesn't mean I don't love you and don't think you are a good partner. these are the things i struggle with, can we talk about it?" i think to some people, receiving criticisms makes them fear their partner doesn't want to be with them anymore because of mono programming and the romantic fairy tale myth that we all live happily ever after and relationships are not supposed to be "work."
__________________
“even if this is a mistake. it could only be right to be this wrong with you.” ― Rupi Kaur



Khal Drogo- my hubs
Rhaegar- my lover
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-24-2018, 01:14 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,675
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tealheron11 View Post
Taramafor,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Sorry it took me awhile to respond, had to figure out what to say.

H gets uncomfortable with saying things that are honest if they could be interpreted as criticisms or disappointments because he feels very uncomfortable with hurting people's feelings. He admits that and is trying really hard to work on this and find ways to share his honest thoughts in a kind way, without holding things back. I can appreciate where he is coming from, because I feel the same way - but I feel like I am more articulate in expressing myself and have found ways to be honest in gentle ways without feeling like I am trashing someone. Obviously, this is different depending on the recipient! The big key here is : "just because i am unhappy about x, y, and z, doesn't mean I don't love you and don't think you are a good partner. these are the things i struggle with, can we talk about it?" i think to some people, receiving criticisms makes them fear their partner doesn't want to be with them anymore because of mono programming and the romantic fairy tale myth that we all live happily ever after and relationships are not supposed to be "work."
There are lots of books out there on how to communicate clearly and lovingly. Key is not attacking someone, no name calling, no cursing. No saying "You always...!" "You never...!" "You suck!" "Fuck you!" "We might as well just get a divorce/break up!"

In healthy productive communication, use "I statements." "When you do X, I feel Y." People can't argue with someone's feelings.

I've actually found tons of great info about how to communicate to build a team and encourage cooperation in the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk." I've also read on this board that some people get a lot out of a book called "Non-Violent Communication."

You can't be conflict avoidant and be poly. Communication is the first and most important rule. Be honest, but be kind. Burying feelings and pretending you're OK with things when you're not will blow up in your face, faster and worse, than in a typical mono marriage. Lying about feelings and needs in mono relationships leads to distance and cheating. Lying (pretending, avoiding) in poly relationships can also lead to distance and cheating!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:48 PM.