Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-17-2018, 03:40 AM
ninjagirl ninjagirl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I opened a monogamous marriage.

No we never did a threesome.

I have been in my current configuration for 6 years.
You made it sound like you had no troubles. So matter of fact. Wish I was there already.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-17-2018, 05:40 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,450
Default

Hi ninjagirl,

My two companions started out as a monogamous married couple. Then, they brought me in as a "second husband," and we have been an MFM V ever since. So, it went straight to poly. We are closed in that we don't have sex with anyone outside our V. But you could say that they "opened" their marriage in that they included me. It depends on how you define open I guess.

We never had a threesome stage. Pretty much each guy has a separate relationship with the woman (the hinge), and the guys are platonic friends.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Regards,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-17-2018, 06:13 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,854
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ninjagirl View Post
You made it sound like you had no troubles. So matter of fact. Wish I was there already.
The only troubles I had was with my husband Butch and I not being compatible in the kink dept.

Nothing poly too related. But I am a hinge who does not allow other relationships bleed over. I did not allow NRE to go to my head. I did not give one partner power over the other.

Honestly most people do not get where I am poly wise. I am am INTJ personality type. I can compartmentalize and seperate very well.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-17-2018, 10:28 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Eastern USA
Posts: 164
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ninjagirl View Post
I was curious as to how many people on here might have opened up a monogamous marriage or if the relationships just started out as poly. If you did open up a marriage, did you go through a stage of "let's do a 3-some together"? Mess it up (since, let's face it, starting with a triad is super hard) and then did better the 2nd time around with each of you dating different people?

I wonder how often opening up a marriage is successful vs it becoming closed again due to issues...
OK, NInja, lets start at the beginning. Most people in the real world are mono and lets keep the philosophical nonsense out of it. They move to non monogamy, of which poly is one form, for more reason than you can list here, and there is no one here that can give you the formula guaranteed to succeed. When some figures that out, they will be wealthier than Zuckerberg.
You might want to buy two books,
More Than Two
Opening Up

Not too many questions go unanswered there.

The other thing is that if you try non monogamy of any kind you are not signing up for life and yes, many many people that try it go back to monogamy and are not miserable. If anyone believes that the MAJORITY of people who go to swingers clubs never stop, that the MAJORITY of people never close their relationship and maybe even open up again, I think they are giving their "poly view of their own projections on how things SHOULD be.You can decide that for yourself.

the real important thing is how you go about it. And unless you are on the same page Id think carefully about jumping right into a threesome. You have not actually described exactly what you and your partner are discussing in specifics so its hard for anyone to offer any real advice. My guess is you will l be getting more of " i did this". Thats fine but not sure how that really helps you

So here we go. Yes i went from a non monogamous relationship back. its not without difficulty sometimes but only you can make those choices.
__________________
ME- 48 , married poly female, hetereo
Hero- 49 mono hubby
Transitioning back to mono and saving my marriage

Last edited by sexyserb; 07-17-2018 at 10:31 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-18-2018, 01:04 AM
ninjagirl ninjagirl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi ninjagirl,

My two companions started out as a monogamous married couple. Then, they brought me in as a "second husband," and we have been an MFM V ever since. So, it went straight to poly. We are closed in that we don't have sex with anyone outside our V. But you could say that they "opened" their marriage in that they included me. It depends on how you define open I guess.

We never had a threesome stage. Pretty much each guy has a separate relationship with the woman (the hinge), and the guys are platonic friends.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Did the husband have difficulty adjusting?
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-18-2018, 08:16 AM
ninjagirl ninjagirl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 12
Default

I actually have read "More Than Two". It was alright. I agreed with multiple things mentioned in there but the examples, situations, etc didn't quite apply to me/didn't help.

I'm actually not suggesting that people go jump into a threesome to start poly. And I didn't. It just stereotypically, I see quite a few unicorn hunters, etc and I have heard stories where that is sort of how "a lot" of people's starting point was. I didn't go through that. I started dating on my own after discussion. My husband did not try to date since he claimed "no time".

It's interesting to hear that you went back to being mono. Was it you or your husband or both that had a hard time adjusting? Are you happy now that you are back to mono? How long did you try for and what made you decide going back was the right route?

And I was just looking more for first hand stories vs advise. I was hoping that from hearing actual stories of what people went to and how they dealt with it, I might find pieces that I relate to and then extract from that. Also, I had a intellectual curiosity on just how many marriages were successfully opened vs not. It is rare for people to be "above average" just from the definition so knowing stats like that can level set my expectations. (Though obviously asking this on a forum to completely non-scientific... but maybe someone here would be aware of some study. )

Quote:
Originally Posted by sexyserb View Post
OK, NInja, lets start at the beginning. Most people in the real world are mono and lets keep the philosophical nonsense out of it. They move to non monogamy, of which poly is one form, for more reason than you can list here, and there is no one here that can give you the formula guaranteed to succeed. When some figures that out, they will be wealthier than Zuckerberg.
You might want to buy two books,
More Than Two
Opening Up

Not too many questions go unanswered there.

The other thing is that if you try non monogamy of any kind you are not signing up for life and yes, many many people that try it go back to monogamy and are not miserable. If anyone believes that the MAJORITY of people who go to swingers clubs never stop, that the MAJORITY of people never close their relationship and maybe even open up again, I think they are giving their "poly view of their own projections on how things SHOULD be.You can decide that for yourself.

the real important thing is how you go about it. And unless you are on the same page Id think carefully about jumping right into a threesome. You have not actually described exactly what you and your partner are discussing in specifics so its hard for anyone to offer any real advice. My guess is you will l be getting more of " i did this". Thats fine but not sure how that really helps you

So here we go. Yes i went from a non monogamous relationship back. its not without difficulty sometimes but only you can make those choices.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-18-2018, 12:28 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 397
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ninjagirl View Post

And I was just looking more for first hand stories vs advise. I was hoping that from hearing actual stories of what people went to and how they dealt with it, I might find pieces that I relate to and then extract from that. Also, I had a intellectual curiosity on just how many marriages were successfully opened vs not. It is rare for people to be "above average" just from the definition so knowing stats like that can level set my expectations. (Though obviously asking this on a forum to completely non-scientific... but maybe someone here would be aware of some study. )
Since you are intellectually curious about success rates, I think it is important to define what you consider success. Success could be:

Opening up a monogamous marriage, neither party really enjoying the experience, discussing and both mutually deciding to go back to monogamy.

Opening up a monogamous marriage, over time deciding that they no longer were romantically compatible, and choosing to transition the relationship into friends/coparents.

Opening up a monogamous marriage, one partner realizing through healthy experiences that their spouse was emotionally abusing them, and leaving a bad marriage.

In all those cases, either the marriage or the openness ends, but I don’t know that I would consider any of them “unsuccessful” — in each case, the people learned something about themselves, their needs, and made the choice that was best for them.

I know you felt like you didn’t get all that much out of More Than Two, but to me, the most important part of that book was the message that, “the people in the relationship are more important than the relationship.” People choosing to prioritize their needs over a particular relationship or relationship shape/style is a good thing, in my opinion.

I am guessing that if you think about your original definition of a successful opening up it would be (1) the original couple staying intact, and (2) the relationship remaining open, (3) everyone being happy. In reality, there are a lot of important other factors that can make transitions between relationship styles successful and appropriate. We don’t consider a couple to have failed at opening up just because they return to monogamy, in the same way her we wouldn’t consider a couple who chose to open their relationship to have “failed” at monogamy.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Laptop: my (not-so-platonic?) poly friend --> 31, M, Straight

Metamours and Others
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM)
MsPolitical: Glasses' ex and potential new romantic interest --> 35ish, F
LadyLaptop: Laptop's wife --> 30ish, F
Giraffe: Laptop's FWB --> 30ish, F
Glitzy: Ponytail's interest --> 35, F
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-18-2018, 03:03 PM
tealheron11's Avatar
tealheron11 tealheron11 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 23
Default

Hi Ninjagirl,

My husband and I opened up a year and half ago or so. We started out by talking about it, listening to podcasts, reading/researching, and attending a conference. We do our own "separate" thing, and each have one other partner right now. I don't think I would ever want to be part of a triad, but I haven't been in that situation yet so who could say.
__________________
“even if this is a mistake. it could only be right to be this wrong with you.” ― Rupi Kaur



Khal Drogo- my hubs
Rhaegar- my lover
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-18-2018, 05:58 PM
icesong icesong is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 581
Default

Knight and I were so clichéd about opening up - we started out seeking women for NSA threesomes, did the swinger thing, did a non-romantic triad for a bit and date a few couples as couples (somewhere in a gray area between swinging and poly), then tried to date separately and STILL ended up in a couple quads (d'oh!) and now very happily date separately though will raaaaarely (like, 1x or 2x a year) have a threesome as a special treat for one of us.

(This is over the course of about 15 years, just to clarify.)
__________________
37/bi/F, married to TheKnight (together 21 years)
Partnered with AnotherArtist (3 years)

Other Dramatis Personae are detailed in my blog.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-20-2018, 06:13 AM
vinsanity0's Avatar
vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 1,819
Default

My wife and I were both non-monogamous when we first started dating. However, she asked that we try monogamy after our relationship escalated. I guess that's kind of opposite of the "norm".

We had some threesomes for fun. I wouldn't call any of them triads. There was no attempt to make any of them permanent.

We opened up later and it worked out well. A few hiccups since we had been mono for so long.
__________________
Vince 55/het/m
Bella 52/f mono seriously dating
Mary 55/het/f/married platonic LDR
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:25 PM.