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Old 07-16-2018, 04:26 PM
Dashofhope Dashofhope is offline
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Default Having Trouble Balancing

Hello,

I apologize in advance if this topic is somewhere on these forums already. I looked through quite a few pages but couldn't find anything. If there is a thread already made, please link it and I will move over to there.

A little background - I have only been in a poly relationship for about a year, and while not easy it has been very rewarding. I am currently seeing two people, my spouse of 8 years (A) and one other partner (K), of about a year. My partner, K, is currently a long distance relationship, while I live with my spouse.

I am looking for advice on a specific problem that has come up recently.

How do others handle the issue of - flirting with one partner, getting excited, but then the other partner wanting to be intimate?

For example - If K and I were sexting during the day, but I was unable to make time to finish on my end, but then A initated intimacy that same day.

Do I simply tell A that K and I started something and it would not be right to transfer that energy from one person to another?

What if one partner wanted to build up the anticipation for a day or so before being intimate? How should that information be relayed? 'Hey K and I are doing a Thing over the next couple/few days, so we can't have any sex?'

That doesn't seem overly fair to the outside party.

I look forward to hearing from any of you as this issue has been weighing me down recently.
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Old 07-16-2018, 06:25 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dashofhope View Post
I am currently seeing two people, my spouse of 8 years (A) and one other partner (K), of about a year... is currently a long distance relationship, while I live with my spouse.

How do others handle the issue of - flirting with one partner, getting excited, but then the other partner wanting to be intimate?

Do I simply tell A that K and I started something and it would not be right to transfer that energy from one person to another? What if one partner wanted to build up the anticipation for a day or so before being intimate?

I am also in two relationships - both LDR. (My partners know each other well and used to be involved with each other, but now they're both mono with me as hinge.)

As for your question... a lot of people will tell you that this is one of the bonuses of being poly --- the ability to transfer the sexual energy from ONE relationship into another, without it being unethical or sordid.

Many partners of poly people (whether or not they're poly themselves) really ENJOY the fact that their girlfriend or boyfriend comes home "all worked up" from flirting/dating/having sex with their other partner/s... and they utilise this sexual energy to bolster their own sex life.

In short, it's a turn-on for many partners to realise their loved one is horny and ready to go, even (or especially!) if that horniness originated with somebody else.

Myself? I've experienced some uncomfortable moments on occasions when these sexual feelings have "crossed over" from one partner to another. Say, I'd been sexting with *one* LD partner and had been taking that to its logical conclusion... but had either been interrupted by the other partner mid-way through (which can have the effect of killing my lusty feelings due to something akin to guilt), or else the other partner contacted me very shortly after finishing, obviously in the mood and wanting the same thing... well, what to say to him/her??

Does one lie and say "I'm not in the mood" or some other excuse? Or tell the truth and say, "Sorry, I'd love to, but I've just had wild cyber-sex with "xyz" and can't go again so soon"?

TBH, this was more of an issue for me when I was very new to poly. Each time I had sex with ONE partner, I felt I was somehow "cheating" on the OTHER. This was especially true if the second partner knew I'd just been having sex... and sometimes even if they didn't.

*Intellectually* I knew I wasn't cheating, and that having sex with two different people in quick succession didn't make me "slutty", but those monogamous hang-ups don't die away so easily.

Basically, I'd say... give yourself time. You've only been in a poly situation for a year. If you'd previously ONLY ever been involved in monogamous relationships, it's pretty natural to have some qualms in this situation.

Also, make sure you communicate your feelings about this to BOTH your partners... in a calm and reasoned way, without assigning any blame either to yourself or either of them. You ought to be able to work around any time-management problems for the time being, if you can explain your perspective and help them understand your dilemma. Eventually you (all) may come to see these "crossover" moments in a more positive light... and may actually use them to your and/or your partners' advantage.
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Old 07-16-2018, 11:19 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Dashofhope,

Basically you should express your wants and needs as they arise. If you don't want to transfer the energy from K to A, then you should tell A. But having said that, I want to suggest to you that maybe transferring the energy isn't a bad thing. You do have two partners, K and A. You need to be there for both. Sometimes that means getting creative.

I was wondering, is the long-distance factor a permanent thing, or is there any chance that K will move to live closer to you? Long-distance relationships are almost always difficult. Do you visit K very often?

Anyway, I guess my basic advice is, try not to make things more complicated than they have to be. It's just my opinion, hopefully it's of some help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-17-2018, 02:54 AM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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I donít have an issue with getting worked up with one partner and transferring that energy to another partner. In fact, that is a common occurrence in my polycule and one that is welcomed by everyone involved. My boyfriend gets off on the knowledge that he got me so worked up that I just had to go in search of a good fuck. My husband is happy that I am so aroused and amorous. And, well, I am very happy with the whole situation, of course.

Itís not a problem unless it is a problem for you. If it is a problem for you to feel aroused by one partner when you are with another, I would stick to just the minimum info ó ďIím not feeling in the mood right now.Ē It is true ó you arenít in the mood for sex with A because you are in the middle of something with K ó without going into details.
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